Broken

[pastel01]

I’ve just come out of a relationship and have been reading people’s stories on this forum.
I know kids don’t ask for their parents to break up and meet someone new. I appreciate that’s tough. However, I do feel that people get a hard time on here when they say they dislike their stepchildren. We’re only human! It isn’t easy when you’re doing your best in return to be totally unappreciated and looked down on.
My ex partner of 4 years had 4 children, 2 older children from one relationship, 2 children from another (boy 13, girl 12). He has them eow and one evening a week. We never lived together. At first everything was great. Got on with them well, never tried to be their mum, never in their face. We introduced my two children (dd14 and ds13) and all was good. Dp’s daughter loved me, was always filming me videos telling me how much she loved me, wanted to call me mum and was constantly saying how she wanted me & her dad to get married.
About a year in the boy started to be rude to me and dp did not correct him.
We had many rows about this and it wasn’t perfect but things improved. Nearly two years ago we went on a holiday. Dp’s son was a nightmare - when dp did correct him he would scream he hated his dad and he was a rubbish dad and he never wanted to see him again. It got to the point where all three other kids had had enough of him too. After him consistently carrying on without any correction from dp I lost it and told him off. He argued back. We did manage to sort it out but it did cause problems for me and dp.
A few weeks after that dp’s daughter was very off with me and went to her bedroom & stayed there all day. She kept asking to go to her nan’s (her mum was away for the weekend). In the evening dp told me that she didn’t like me. I went to have a chat with her and ask her what I’d done. She was so cold and unfeeling and said she just didn’t like me but wouldn’t give me a reason. I was so upset I went home with my two kids. Dp’s older daughter was crying about it and hugged me goodbye.
I gave dp’s daughter space, didn’t visit when she was there then she stopped seeing her dad altogether. Said he’d told her off for the way she’d been to me. She also admitted to reading a message to me on his mobile where he said a child shouldn’t split us up. She told him he’d chosen me over her and that if he didn’t split up with me she wouldn’t see him again. She told him she wouldn’t cry at his funeral. She cut all his side of the family off.
That was 18 months ago. Since then dp has seen her a handful of times. He messages her positively and for the most part has been totally ignored. She did send him a message to say she couldn’t bare to see me again and was surprised he was still with me (towards the end of last year). Dp’s ex said it had nothing to do with her and was keeping out of it but did agree to take her to counselling at the beginning but it didn’t assist in her wanting to see dp.
Dp and I had a great relationship. We only ever rowed about this issue & Ive walked out many a time out of feeling a sense of responsibility but always went back because I missed and loved him.
Last week dp received a text from his daughter to say she wanted to see him at the weekend. Naturally he was delighted but it hit me that I could never like or trust this child again. Yes, I know I’m the grown up and there must be underlying issues but it made me realise that she may still not want me in her life and Im not prepared to hang around waiting to see dp when she’s not around.
So I ended it. Dp has never wanted to break up with me over this but he’s stuck in the middle of a situation and Ive realised that his 12 year old daughter needs her dad far more than I need a boyfriend. Life sucks sometimes!

@PlantPotParrot - I agree with you there. @swingofthings I do see your point & agree with you also but I think the rp experience of living with kids is vastly different to that of the nrp & I do think a lot of nrps do ignore bad behaviour - because they don't deal with it full time they don't want to have to deal with it eow or whenever - they want to pretend they have this perfect family unit on the weekend & don't want any aggro.
Being a teenager with divorced parents can be very tough, especially if those parents don't get on & don't have some semblance of a co parenting plan in place & don't support each other. Teens, as most if us know, often don't know why they're angry & in a divorce situation it's 'easy' for them to blame the fact that they have divorced parents for all their woes. I think it's therefore easy to be cross/rude etc. in the nrps house because in many situations they know they won't be checked & to that end dsp's are a very easy target. This is fine for the nrp who chooses to ignore this & is imbued with unconditional love for his/her teen, but it's torture for the rest of the household & tbh wouldn't be as easily tolerated in a nuclear family.
When my guys were going through the terrible teens I'd let them have their door slam or whatever. When they'd cooled off I'd speak to them & say that while I understood they were angry/upset/whatever, that didn't give them the right to yell at or be rude to me; that I don't speak to them like that & that they could speak to me about anything, inc. anything I might have been doing to annoy/upset them but that they did so in a calm, reasonable manner. Mutual respect.
Maybe I've been incredibly lucky that my guys listened to this but I honestly don't understand why more parents can't tackle teenagers in a less reactive manner - listening to them while also stating that rudeness will not be tolerated. And I don't understand why nrps are (generally speaking) so reluctant to have these conversations with their teens.
To me that's basic manners & I think basic manners are something that are sorely lacking, across the board, in today's society.

However, to say it is all the EX, DF and DSCs fault and the SMs just need support is absolute bollocks
Well no actually sometimes its not bollocks. You're saying that sm must have done something wrong. And we do need support, its a thankless job and were not superhumans.

Your sons problems could have been solved by saying "sm i cant do that because x y z hasnt dad told you?" Or just speaking to his dad rather than just saying no and then getting an attitude about it.

I think especially when sms take a step back and let the parents do the parenting and just try and be a "friendly adult" and still have a shit time of it, its difficult to place the blame on them.

What would you actually have us do?

Plant - read what I said. Yes sometimes SMs do need support as do DFs, EXW and SDCs - multifactorial.

Your view is SMs are not to blame and do not cause problems - my view is all components cause problems.Some deliberately and some inadvertently all need help.This thread had descended into SM angel everyone else to blame!!!!

And your final comment - it was my 9yr old DCs responsibility to tell his SM he could not do something - which she knew ( but had forgotten) about and he knew she was aware because he was at the table when we, EX, her and I with him had the conversation.
She was belittling him in front of his friends, sibling and other people on a subject she knew about - he is embarrassed by his physical limitations at the best of times - but seriously you are expecting a child to be the better person and act in an adult way.
She screwed up, it is now resolved but it has taken time and patience for him to trust her again and quite rightly.

I am an SM - 2 are brilliant one is meh. However, even with the Meh one I tell him what I expect as he whistles and looks at the ceiling!!! I know it goes in as gradual changes appear - am with Magda on this.

All parts of the puzzle need to look at their behaviour in an age appropriate way.

I dont think you get it.

You're saying sms must always be doing something wrong. No. Bullshit. Bullshit and judgemental.

This thread is for step mums who have experienced this. You clearly have not. Youre seeing it as we must be wrong. If we are struggling we must be partly to blame. No. Not always the case.

Nobody has said step mums are angels. Some are awful im sure. Just like some step kids are awful, some husbands are awful and some ex wives are awful.

If you want a nice little bitch about step mums this was not the thread to do it on.

If your son didnt feel comfortable speaking to her, why not his dad? If he cant even speak to his dad about his issue do you not think that needs addressing?

She presumably forgot because she is a human. It could have been sorted if his dad had stepped in couldn't it? The blame is not all on her! But you are making it so because it suits you.

So you tell your step kids what you expect and one doesnt like it? It must be you. By your own advice you must inadvertently be doing something wrong.

I dont think youve experienced half of what a lot of us have tbh.

I don't know Magda, my OH also felt I wasn't dealing with DS bad behaviour too and that upset him a lot at the time. At first I tried to explain why I wasn't forcing him to do things, punishing him, taking things away but he thought I was just taking the easy route, that despite the fact I had no reason to be worried about him not wanting to live with me anymore.

After a number of agreement, I resorted to telling my OH what he wanted to hear to stop him arguing with me but not doing what I said. Thankfully he didn't insist and just let me get on with it removing himself. It was the best approach for us all. As I've said, DS is turning a leaf slowly and the things that triggered my OH's frustrations and upset are getting much better naturally as ds is starting to come out of his dark mood. I am confident than in a couple of years, he will found himself totally, be happy with who he is and becoming the smiling, pleasant, talkative person he used to be. I'Vve seen it with some oglf my friends' kids, especially boys, the kid with thunder faces, earphones on their ears, single word conversation, avoiding eyes and questionable hygiene suddenly becoming good looking, smiley eyes eloquent pleasant 20 year olds.

Maybe I've been incredibly lucky that my guys listened to this but I honestly don't understand why more parents can't tackle teenagers in a less reactive manner
I think you might have. I of course, said all those things, talk to him calmly, told him off but it changed nothing. One time I had so enough that I took his phone and PlayStation away. Did this get him to cooperate? No, he spent the entire week besides going to school in his bed, and when I checked on him, it was sbviois he'd been crying. It just didn't work with him. What has works is to shift the focus from the bad to the good, and the bad slowly diminished as the good increased.

All kids are different, this is typical behaviour of kids wil low self esteem and confidence which can affect kids in perfectly stable families but more commonly in those who are not.

There's so much imphasis on basic manners.ut these seem to be different for different people. What are basic manners? Saying hello, good bye, thank you in a robotic tone, without making eye contact? Doing the same with a forced tone and smile? Maybe but frankly I'd rather focus on building bridges so that the teenager actually says it from the heart because it is meant, even if it means waiting a bit longer for it.

After a number of agreement, I resorted to telling my OH what he wanted to hear to stop him arguing with me but not doing what I said
I feel sorry for your oh. Must be hard being with someone who has no respect for you and lies to you.

Your view is SMs are not to blame and do not cause problems - my view is all components cause problems.Some deliberately and some inadvertently all need help.This thread had descended into SM angel everyone else to blame!!!
Exactly. Its not a case of saying that SMs are always at fault and to blame for all problems because step kids are always innocents and parents trying their best, it's defending that just as parents get it wrong without meaning too, kids being little shits without realising they are, stepmums also cause problems despite thinking they have done nothing wrong.

PPP, you come across as very angry and aggressive on this threat, all I can think is that you must be really hurt and frustrated by your situation. Ironically, the way you come a cross here, it's actually my DS you remind me of! Maybe you and your ss have a lot more in common than you realise.

I havent ever said theyre never to blame have i? Try actually reading my posts.

Im angry because as usual swing youve come on a supportive thread just to have a go and tell us alll how shit we are and preach about how your methods are fantastic. You have no idea! Unfortunately someone else has joined you in your preaching.

Im not frustrated by my individual situatuon at all, i am frustrated by your comments and your insinuation that i am a shitty teenager. No. Just sick of hearing the same old shit about step parents to be honest.

You're in an impossible situation OP so I think you've done the right thing given that your ex wouldn't step up and parent his children and that you have DC of your own who you want affected by this.

Teenagers are emotional and fickle creatures. As a SP I tried to do the right thing and was open and honest with DSS that once me and DH married we would try for a baby. I had always been clear this was important to me and I wouldn't have progressed the relationship otherwise. DSS was a little apprehensive but excited by the prospect and talked of practicing nappies wanting to help feed etc. Even his mum was pleased as she feels beyond her childbearing years (I dont blame her not wanting to go back to the newborn phase) and didnt want DSS to be an only child. All good right? Wrong! In 4 months I was pregnant and DSS was awful. Apparently he'd believed I couldn't get pregnant (I was 31 with no fertility issue but in his mind I was virtually dead because his mum had him in her early 20s). I had a horrible pregnancy and we nearly lost now DD. He rarely visits now but I dont regret DD because life goes on and DSS knows we are here for him. I wish it was all better but things happen and he is young so I'm sure he will settle in time. Hes now busy upsetting his mum and playing people off of each other.

Your view is SMs are not to blame and do not cause problems - my view is all components cause problems. you see this is just not true. All components CAN cause problems. However that is why posters should READ THE INITIAL THREADS! Sorry to shout. Many SMs like thr OPs have described situations where there is NO EVIDENCE AT ALL THAT THE SM CAUSED THE PROBLEM.

Or is that just too crazy to get your head around?!

I did not cause my DSDs problem with me. Nor did my DS who also bore the brunt of her ignoring and rudeness.

It was not just being a teenager. I’m pretty tolerant of door slamming. It’s okay, we’ve all been there.

What can happen in Step situations is that the teenage kids, spurred on by their mum and guilty dads, build up huge animosity and resentment towards the SM and in my case, step brother too. That is a totally different scenario to normal teenage angst.

The OPs whole relationship ended because of this. It has serious consequences.

PPP, I haven't had a go at anyone and nowhere have I said or implied that a stepmums were shit. You are choosing to read what you want just because I don't agree with your views as expressed here.

You are not interested in listening to anyone else's perspective, only those who are frustrated as you are and going nowhere making things better.

Magda faces issues too but appears so much more open minded and willing to discuss different perspectives and I think this is what can help everyone (yes, including me) learn and move forward to make matters better. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we don't and that's fine, that's what forums are for.

It doesnt matter what I write, you will only ever read that I hate stepmums and think all are evil even though it is nowhere close to how I feel overall.

You are not interested in listening to anyone else's perspective, only those who are frustrated as you are and going nowhere making things better

Simply not true. I have considered your perspective i just dont agree with how you deal with it. I have read everyones comments.

You do have a bit of a reputation for being horrid on these threads tbf.

Many SMs like thr OPs have described situations where there is NO EVIDENCE AT ALL THAT THE SM CAUSED THE PROBLEM

But that is the point, we write about situations from our own perspective, so of course it will read that we are not at fault. The question is whether the other parties involved would describe these situations the same way. No, they would write it from their own perspective that will also make it appear as if they had no cause at all or little in the conflict.

The reality is that in most cases, when outsiders look totally unbiasely at a situation of conflict involving a number of people, they will most likely conclude that everyone has some fault in causing the problem. Not always, sometimes it is indeed all one person, or at least much more drastically but most often, it's a case of everyone contributing but all thinking they shouldn't have to change their ways to improve the situation.

In OP's case, it would seem that her partner didn't agree with her as to why his kids and she couldn't get along and sadly, they were not able to communicate and reach compromises to move forward.

It is very sad, but focusing on whose fault it is that lead to it being this way isn't going to make the relationship work.

Simply not true. I have considered your perspective i just dont agree with how you deal with it. I have read everyones comments
Thats absolutely fine, we don't have to agree and indeed, my situation doesn't have to apply to yours at all. It was only one perspective.

However, there's no need of accusing me of saying that stepmums are shit when I have said no such thing or writing that what I say is rubbish because you don't agree with it.

Children should always come first.
This is the core of the problem. No they shouldn't it depends on the context. This is a modern idea and has led to the shocking behaviour and sense of entitlement that some children have. I teach in people's houses and the way some kids talk to and treat their parents is dreadful.
There seems be an acceptance now that teenagers behave badly. No they all don't-some are parented better and expectations are higher.

You do have a bit of a reputation for being horrid on these threads tbf
Well yes but some posters read things I haven't said or even implied!

To be fair, I've gone back on this thread and it's not what you'd posted I reacted to but what whitecat had written so I'm not even sure how it became seen as a personal attack against you.

I havent seen it as a personal attack? I just dont agree with you. Im entitled to think your advice is rubbish just as you are mine.

plant pot- my childs issues are in your face, physical and in no way could the SM have forgotten about them - not understood them absolutely correct as was the case here. I get that but my DC is a child and does not understand she forgot. You see his problem the minute he walks in a room.

As to him talking to his DF - yes he can which is why we had the family chat about his issues, because he hates raising them with either his father or I - they remind him of his difference.

I do get it - I have SDS who has not spoken to me directly for 8 months -it pisses me off - but I carry on as normal - have conversations with a brick wall and refuse to let him get the better of me -my way of dealing with it. His DF has tried but nothing has changed.

all aspects of any family, blended or not cause problems in any set up - as I said some deliberately, some inadvertently.

My objection on this thread was that is was descending into a blame everyone but the SM and that helps no one - as it forgets all the other facets.

on any forum - we see a one sided perspective. Am sure my DCs SM would say she did nothing wrong from her persepctive but it was deeply hurtful to my DC. It has taken time and energy from everyone to move on from this but my DC has not forgotten. He likes new SM but is now wary - he will now never confide in her and hence his father because he knows his father and her are a team and he will tell her.

From his perspective a major hurt, from hers a minor slip up -different perspectives.

We have moved on but seriously a 9 yr old being blamed and expected not to have attitude when his SM is insulting him - your expectations are far greater than mine are then plant.

I see but Even so if your childs father has witnessed this he should have pulled her on it so your son didnt have to say anything?

I said instead of having attitude he could have just explained but that was before you disclosed his age or how he feels about talking about it. Now i have the full picture i can understand.

I would still argue that sometimes the sm really hasnt done anything wrong and this thread was primarly for step mothers who had tried their damn best and could see where it went wrong and it wasnt anything to do with them. It is possible for us not to be the problem. Im not saying thats always the case at all step mums can be involved in issues and accountable for blame but not always. Your comments assume we are all in the wrong but too ignorant to contemplate it. Me personally i question a lot of decisions i make re step dc and dp so im certainly not living in blissfull ignorance that im perfect but i can say every decision ive made ive thought about dss and how it might effect him etc and thats more than i can say for his mother. So in my situation id confidently say im not to blame for any conflict that arises but tbh there isnt any with dss more than him being a typical arsey teenager but me and dp are on the same page with it so he deals with it.

thank you plant - part of my point is that sometimes everyone in the equation underestimates what they may or may not have done and the smallest sleight can offend either on purpose or not!

SM seriously did not understand what she was saying was upsetting and even now am not sure she gets how much it upset DC. Likewise my DC told her she was the next SM for the moment and she was deeply offended. He sees nothing wrong in what he said ( there is an element of truth in his words - knowing his father!) and said it is a fact - am still not sure he understands after explanations - give him a few more years then he will! Likewise I can see why SM was offended - am not sure either of them meant to be offend but they did.

There is my version; your version and the truth is somewhere in the middle. Short-hand for what Swing is trying to say I think.

This board is not solely for for step-parents but imo a place for all affected by step-parenting to read, learn and indeed if they want, comment - and those comments may not always reflect the general consensus. That doesn't mean an attack on step-parents but a different perspective. Something we can all benefit from on occasions.

Children should always come first.This is the core of the problem. No they shouldn't it depends on the context
Just to clarify on this statement that does come up often. When I use it, I refer to the context when the point of conflict is such that ultimately there is no compromise to be made any longer and a parent is left with choosing their child or partner knowing that one of the other is going to end up upset/hurt.

I don't think of it when it comes to deciding where to go on holiday, what should be eaten at dinner, or who should have what bedroom.

It was in reference to OP's situation where her and her partner has hit a deadlock and in that instance, as a parent, if I believed that my relationship could damage my child, or not making drastic changes that impa gdx on them would damage my relationship with my partner, I would indeed prioritise my kids.