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Original poster

Help please......

87 replies

Adele2204 · 26/03/2019 13:30

Hi everyone, wanted some advice please as it seems that I'm going insane possibly...

My Partner has custody of his 4 children aged from 16 - 9 years old. We also have my daughter who's 16 living with us & I have a 20 year old son who is currently at university.

My son has mentioned to come home for the summer to stay at our house which is in my partners name but it's been met with negative feedback from my other half as he says that he has no room for him.

I do everything for my other half's kids, all the usual mum duties and now I feel that I need him to be a parent to my son he's not too happy about it.

I appreciate that my son is 20 and doesn't necessarily need parenting but am I wrong to think that for as long as he doesn't have a home my home should be his???

Please help... thanks Sad

OP posts:
lunar1 · 26/03/2019 19:48

I'd be out of there. While ever I'm capable my children will have a home with me if they need it. This wouldn't even be a debate for me.

SandyY2K · 27/03/2019 00:23

Its sounds like you're the unpaid help for his kids.

You're like a second class citizen there. I wonder how your DD feels about him?

You abandoned your DS once. Don't do it again, or it'll mess him up for years to come.

When this mans kids are grown, he may feel you've outlived your usefulness and you'll be turfed out.

You need to think seriously about this.

My DD is in Uni and has to vacate her accomodation over the summer . Even if not...how very depressing to stay there when all other students have gone home.

Your OH didn't want him there at Christmas from the sound of things too.

Prioritise your DC all the time. Your OH doesn't sound very nice at all.

Aubaine · 27/03/2019 09:44

So you moved to the area and then later moved into your DP’s house? How long have you been living there? Do you contribute to the mortgage/rent? Have you discussed co-owning and finding a place to fit all of you?

On what hon said, I’d be moving out to a place with room for you, your DD and your DS.

Ariela · 27/03/2019 10:10

Do you have a big enough garden to put in a garden room to give extra but separate space?

Original poster
Adele2204 · 27/03/2019 10:31

@Aubaine yes I put my wages in every month, I pay a fixed amount and then do the shopping and buy anything that's needed. I don't see my wages at all apart from my car which is the only thing that I have that is mine only. I know what to do it's having the bottle to do it. It's taking my DS & DD to love somewhere else and starting again. I've let them both down and I've failed them and myself. I'm trying my best to hold it together and I've tried to stay for as long as possible since Xmas as my DD is due to take GCSES in the next few months. My DD cannot stand the way his kids and he talks to me. I'm in a mess and I feel like the whole thing has consumed me and I don't know how to start climbing back out of this hole.......

OP posts:
Aubaine · 27/03/2019 10:46

Oh OP, it is a shit situation and you are being used, but you can climb out of this whole. One step at a time. Make a list of things to do in order to get you and your DC out of there before GCSEs start if poss. For a start, set up a solo bank account if you don’t have one, then change the standing order details so your salary goes into your solo account and not the joint.

Aubaine · 27/03/2019 10:46

*Hole not whole

ColeHawlins · 27/03/2019 10:58

I know what to do it's having the bottle to do it. It's taking my DS & DD to love somewhere else and starting again. I've let them both down and I've failed them and myself. I'm trying my best to hold it together and I've tried to stay for as long as possible since Xmas as my DD is due to take GCSES in the next few months. My DD cannot stand the way his kids and he talks to me. I'm in a mess and I feel like the whole thing has consumed me and I don't know how to start climbing back out of this hole.......

You can do this.

Do you have any savings or money of your own? Anywhere?

What's your support network like?

It sounds like the obvious time to go is after the end of your DD's exams.

AuntieCJ · 27/03/2019 11:00

Use this as your reason to leave this awful man.

ColeHawlins · 27/03/2019 11:03

Could you start skimming a bit off the top of your wages and tucking it away somewhere? Cut back on shopping? Invent a new expense?

Even take out a loan or a credit card to give you a fighting fund?

Is he likely to kick off when you try to go? Could you start moving small, important items out to a friend or relative's now?

Original poster
Adele2204 · 27/03/2019 11:11

@ColeHawlins I'm riding it out until my DD has done her exams, I've already messed my life up and I don't want to risk hers as she's a grade A student so need to keep her on track. He sort of knows that when her exams are over I'll leave he keeps saying this to me. I don't have any savings at all but I do have support from my parents where I can move in with them however being nearly 40 and living back home isn't really something I want to do. I don't know..... I just wish I hadn't have left my house and moved to his but with hindsight life would be wonderful... I'm so down with this at the moment. I need to put up and shut up for the next few months..

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 27/03/2019 11:20

but I do have support from my parents where I can move in with them however being nearly 40 and living back home isn't really something I want to do.

Just take the help. It's only temporary & it's a huge advantage to you to have their support. It must be hard for them too knowing their DD and DGC aren't happy.

I don't know..... I just wish I hadn't have left my house and moved to his but with hindsight life would be wonderful... I'm so down with this at the moment.

I know. There are things things I did twenty years ago that I could kick myself for in hindsight. But you've got to look forward instead of back to get things done.

Aubaine · 27/03/2019 11:27

The reason I said to try and move before her exams was that as she’s finding the home environment stressful, it might be a huge relief being removed from that? But obviously you know what would work for her best and waiting until her exams is obviously sensible.

However if your parents are near your DD’s school, would it be possible to make the move at Easter - a natural break?

lunar1 · 27/03/2019 11:46

If you wait a few months where does that leave your son. Can you have a plan ready for as soon as she finishes her last exam so you are ready somewhere your son can stay in the holidays?

Original poster
Adele2204 · 27/03/2019 12:45

So all morning I have messaged from him agreeing that the relationship is over and I'm depressing him due to arguments and have been asked to leave.... so my son, daughter and I are now homeless.... is it bad to feel absolute anger and hatred towards him and the kids I've been part of for 6 years lives... AngryAngry

OP posts:
Chocolateisfab · 27/03/2019 13:16

Your dd will do better in exams out of that atmosphere op. You haven't failed your dc. Start packing today.

Prettyvase · 27/03/2019 13:17

This is GREAT NEWS as it's a start to your NEW LIFE!!!

Your dd will be so much happier without having to put up with you being so badly treated by everyone.

If she is a grade A student in that horrific environment she will be a grade A* outside of it! Grin

Wine
Original poster
Adele2204 · 27/03/2019 13:19

I know you're right but it certainly doesn't feel that way at the moment.... anyway like I say new chapter. Thanks for all your advice everyone x

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 27/03/2019 14:44

you said upthread your parents live in a different part of the country does that mean you have to quit your job to move back with them?

I'm so sorry you're going through all this but wherever you go next this will be the start of your new life. Your wages will be your own, if you move in with parents you will be able to save for your own space and being out of that environment your DD will be able to really thrive. although I would still let the school know though as a life disrupting event like this they should be able to offer extra support in the run up to GCSEs.

Annasgirl · 27/03/2019 14:55

Oh. you poor woman. Please look after yourself and be strong for your DD. Do you have any friends or associates you could talk to IRL who could help you? Perhaps look at the domestic abuse part of this website to get practical help to move. Could you register with the council? Could your parents help you to rent locally until your DD has completed her exams? How far is your parents house? If it was within a 2 hour commute I would move today. Please let us know what we can do to help you.

Original poster
Adele2204 · 27/03/2019 16:45

@Annasgirl they live approx 1:30 away from me so I think I will have to commute for the time being, my parents don't have any savings nor do I and I've literally just spent my wages in his house on the money that I give him every month and I also went food shopping so have only a small amount to survive on which isn't going to stretch. Luckily I booked next week off of work and my DD is off of school so it will give me chance to get this sorted out well in some sort of fashion. I just feel like I've let my kids down again. It's a horrible feeling and the more I think about the past and now this the more it upsets me. I can't get help off of the council as they told me before when he threatened to throw me out that I would have to go into a homeless hostel and they would want 300+ a week for this, plus it's not somewhere I would want to take my daughter. It's such a mess.... it really is..

OP posts:
Prettyvase · 27/03/2019 19:19

Ok but time to lick your wounds but see the positive too op.

They were toxic and you are leaving toxic waste behind and putting yourself and your DC first now so well done you.

MaybeNew · 27/03/2019 21:51

Petty it may be, but take your food shopping. You will need it and he should be paying to feed his own children.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 28/03/2019 00:16

£300 a week for a homeless hostel? Is that right? £1200+ per month? That's more than the cost of renting a private house/flat in many areas.

As a short term measure, could you rent a holiday flat? I did that for 2 months when I was temporarily homeless before my former marital home was sold and before I could find a permanent place to rent. It's quite cheap to do this outside peak season, especially if you book it for an extended stay. Even an AirB&B might be a cheaper and more pleasant option than a homeless hostel as a temporary measure at £300 a week. I'm Shock at the price. I'm not saying either is a permanent solution but might give you a stop gap? You won't need to find a big deposit like you would on a long term rental and bills would normally be included.

billybagpuss · 28/03/2019 06:59

How are you this morning OP Flowers

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