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Original poster

Help please......

87 replies

Adele2204 · 26/03/2019 13:30

Hi everyone, wanted some advice please as it seems that I'm going insane possibly...

My Partner has custody of his 4 children aged from 16 - 9 years old. We also have my daughter who's 16 living with us & I have a 20 year old son who is currently at university.

My son has mentioned to come home for the summer to stay at our house which is in my partners name but it's been met with negative feedback from my other half as he says that he has no room for him.

I do everything for my other half's kids, all the usual mum duties and now I feel that I need him to be a parent to my son he's not too happy about it.

I appreciate that my son is 20 and doesn't necessarily need parenting but am I wrong to think that for as long as he doesn't have a home my home should be his???

Please help... thanks Sad

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 26/03/2019 15:08

Now is the moment to put your foot down hard, OP. Make it clear this is completely non negotiable.

Original poster
Adele2204 · 26/03/2019 15:08

He lived with my parents and his girlfriend

OP posts:
WhateverName2 · 26/03/2019 15:15

I would leave. My kids is always welcome. It sounds like his house, his sofa, his rules. Could not do it.

ladybee28 · 26/03/2019 15:15

"you wouldn't put your dogs out for an evening let alone 3 months."

Well, no, but dogs can't manage their own accommodation. And the dogs presumably already live in the house and have their own space, whereas your son never did live there, and is an adult, not a pet...

Don't get me wrong, I think it would absolutely be best if your son could be at your home over the summer if that's what you both want, AND I can see your partner's point in that there are already 7 people in the house and presumably not a lot of room already.

I wonder what would your solution be, OP – do you see a way your son can come home and stay for 3 months without doing 7 people out of the primary communal space? Is there space in one of the other kids' rooms he can share, for example?

This feels a bit drip-feedy...

ColeHawlins · 26/03/2019 15:18

He lived with my parents and his girlfriend

Why?

Original poster
Adele2204 · 26/03/2019 15:26

Ok - I moved to a different part of the country when my son was 14 and due to the fact that he was well established at high school he didn't want to move with me he wanted to stay at my parents. This is his first year at uni and lived in between my parents and his girlfriends for the last year before he went to uni. We live in a 4 bedroom house with 2 16 year olds one my daughter and 2nd his son. 1 14 year old his son 1, 10 year old his son and 1 9 year old his daughter. He doesn't want my daughter and his daughter to share due to the age gap and my daughter would not be able to go in to her room after 8pm as his daughter would be sleeping fair enough. His 14 year old and 10 year old same as above and he doesn't want my son to be in his 2 sons room the 16 & 14 year old as no space for all 3 of them to share....

OP posts:
mrslupin · 26/03/2019 15:31

@Baby1onboard11

Although my university accommodation was paid for over the summer I was not allowed to live there, so be very well may be homeless

billybagpuss · 26/03/2019 15:33

Do you have a separate dining room that could be rearranged as a bedroom for a couple of months a put up bed and push the table to the side? At least then the living room would be free.

I can understand that it would be cramped but he could be more understanding and kind in his attitude.

Original poster
Adele2204 · 26/03/2019 15:35

Yes that's an option. I just feel stuck between doing the right thing for the whole family and not letting my son down that's all.....

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 26/03/2019 15:35

Did you move to be with this man?

BatFace1 · 26/03/2019 15:36

This is your son. He is a student. He should have a home with you when he is not at university. You need to be telling your other half what's what and it should not be a discussion on his terms

Put your own kids first and look for alternative accommodation. You owe it to your kids

BatFace1 · 26/03/2019 15:38

@ladybee28 do you have a 20 year old? I think you don't. Trust me, st that age they haven't 'moved out' - they have gone to university and you don't just wash your hands of them

Chocolateisfab · 26/03/2019 15:39

No judgement on your past decisions but your ds is seeking you out now, regardless of his age. If you turn him away I am not sure how your future relationship will be affected.
You will have massive regrets and likely resentment towards your dp.
Please choose your ds.
He also need the opportunity to forge relationships with your other dc.

BatFace1 · 26/03/2019 15:39

Ah. I've read your update. I sound harsh I know but I think you failed your son many years ago.

Prettyvase · 26/03/2019 15:44

Of course you will always put your DC first no matter what. You are their mum!!

What on earth are you doing doing working full time as well as doing the lionshare of the housekeeping, skivvying, childcare, cleaning and cooking for free for 6 years for DC that aren't even yours when you have no rights in the house and could be turfed out or made uncomfortable?!

If your selfish awful partner cared two hoots about you he would treat your son the same as he treats his own but he doesn't so that means he has just been using you all these years as you make his life easier.

Get your priorities right op for goodness sake.

ColeHawlins · 26/03/2019 15:46

Yes that's an option. I just feel stuck between doing the right thing for the whole family and not letting my son down that's all.....

The thing is, it isn't both you and your OH doing what's needed for the whole family. Your OH is thinking about himself, HIS children, HIS house.

So you need to do the same for your own children. Otherwise your D.C. have no one putting them first.

You're in a dicey position anyway. You have no legal right to sleep in your home tonight. You could be kicked out in the next hour with no time to prepare. You know your partner is a selfish man who puts his comfort and convenience ahead of your eldest (and your relationship with your eldest.)

I also agree with PP that moving away (to join your OH??) and leaving a fourteen year old with grandparents was not a great move. You have some making up to do.

Seniorschoolmum · 26/03/2019 15:54

I’m with you OP. You’ve looked after his kids for years and now he has a problem with your son for one summer holiday! I think not.

Do you have a relative with a caravan you could park on the drive? When my nephews came home from the US, we pitched them a 6man tent in the garden for the summer.
Lots of options. You ‘d’p is being an arse.

Original poster
Adele2204 · 26/03/2019 15:55

It's harsh to read some of the comments but yes I know it's right. I have some making up to do and it's all been said before by my other half about HIS HOUSE etc etc... we've been arguing over it for the last month and now that I've tried to put my foot down with my other half he has said I'm depressing him and all the arguing isn't good for him or his kids... seems like the decisions been made for me. Thanks for your advice all.. Sad

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 26/03/2019 16:02

Ok. So maybe some of your past decisions have been questionable, but moving forward, it sounds like you realise what you need to do for you and your family. Good luck.

ColeHawlins · 26/03/2019 16:03

If you think he's gearing up to split with you, then start looking for alternative housing TODAY.

Chocolateisfab · 26/03/2019 16:09

Just wanted to reassure you it is possible to reconnect with your ds. I was estranged from my ds for a couple of years. We have an amazing relationship now.
Sounds like now is the right time to put yourself before your dp and ltb.

CantStopMeNow · 26/03/2019 16:56

I've brought his kids up like my own for 6 years and now that mine need help it's refused

You actually picked this man and this relationship over your own son? Shock

Baby1onboard11 · 26/03/2019 17:03

@mrslupin Wow that’s shocking and thank you to those who have corrected my understanding. I had to (annoyingly) pay rent for my uni accommodation over the summer but I was always able to stay

Either way, not wanting to distract from
The op, your son should always be able to consider yours (wherever that may be) a home. Op, I would tell your adult son the situation. If my mum told me this when I was at uni I would have done all I could to support and look for alternative accommodation

Original poster
Adele2204 · 26/03/2019 17:07

Cantstopmenow..... no I didn't I met this man a few months after my move

OP posts:
WhiteCat1704 · 26/03/2019 18:34

Wow...you accepted him with 4 young children and he has a problem with a student son staying for 3 months? That's unbelievable..
I would say you find a way to make space for your son or you leave and your son has space in your new home. It shouldn't even be a discussion..

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