Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Help please......

87 replies

Adele2204 · 26/03/2019 13:30

Hi everyone, wanted some advice please as it seems that I'm going insane possibly...

My Partner has custody of his 4 children aged from 16 - 9 years old. We also have my daughter who's 16 living with us & I have a 20 year old son who is currently at university.

My son has mentioned to come home for the summer to stay at our house which is in my partners name but it's been met with negative feedback from my other half as he says that he has no room for him.

I do everything for my other half's kids, all the usual mum duties and now I feel that I need him to be a parent to my son he's not too happy about it.

I appreciate that my son is 20 and doesn't necessarily need parenting but am I wrong to think that for as long as he doesn't have a home my home should be his???

Please help... thanks Sad

OP posts:
ladybee28 · 26/03/2019 13:32

When your DP says there's no room... what does that mean? Would your DS have to sleep on the couch?

Chocolateisfab · 26/03/2019 13:34

If there is another ds around he can share if it's short term imo.

ColeHawlins · 26/03/2019 13:37

That would be a dealbreaker for me, no question.

Where does he expect your DS to tuck himself for three months?

Baby1onboard11 · 26/03/2019 13:39

Usually university accommodation, whether on or off site is paid for over summer (much to students dislike as most go home) . So I’m guessing he won’t be homeless?

However, he should be able to come home but I’m guessing it means doubling up with one of his siblings and if he knows that’s the score then so be it. Are you sure your DH isn’t coming from the angle of, he needs a room and we have none? Have you said he can share and all are happy with that option?

Justmuddlingalong · 26/03/2019 13:39

How long have you been together that this hasn't been an issue before now?

pumpkinpie01 · 26/03/2019 13:44

Of course he should be able to come home for the Summer, he's your son. Your DP should be working with you to work out how an extra person can fit in for a few months not being negative especially when you do so much for his DC. Didnt you have this situation last year thou if DS is 20 or did he go to uni a bit later or have you moved house ?

Original poster
Adele2204 · 26/03/2019 13:52

Thanks all, yes he would have to stay on the sofa and has done previously but then arguments have started as my other half wanted to be able to get in to his living room but couldn't as my son was using it as a bedroom..... he went to uni late so this is his first year. He came home at Christmas but of course the above was said and now he hasn't been back since... I just don't know what to do. I know that your kids get to a certain point where you shouldn't always take their side but like I say where on earth is he expected to stay??!!!

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 26/03/2019 14:04

So before he went there wasn't already all of you in the house anyway or have you recently moved in with him ?

Justmuddlingalong · 26/03/2019 14:05

my other half wanted to be able to get in to his living room, his living room? It sounds like as it's his house, he makes the rules. Fuck that.

ladybee28 · 26/03/2019 14:06

Hmm.

I can kind of see both sides of this (although I wouldn't have dreamed of going back to my parents for the summer when I was at uni).

Three months IS a long time to not have a living room, and I can't imagine it would be very comfortable for your DS either.

When you say 'where on earth is he expected to stay'... do you mean his house / halls close over the holiday period?

Chocolateisfab · 26/03/2019 14:20

If it was me I would be flat hunting...

Proudirishnotpaddy · 26/03/2019 14:23

That would be a deal breaker for me.

Doyoumind · 26/03/2019 14:31

You should always take your child's side. What's the set up here? Are you just a childminder and housekeeper enabling him to get on with his life? I wouldn't stand for it.

ColeHawlins · 26/03/2019 14:32

Usually university accommodation, whether on or off site is paid for over summer (much to students dislike as most go home) . So I’m guessing he won’t be homeless?

I wouldn't say "usually". Increasingly, HoR and college rooms are let to foreign students or conference delegates over the summer.

ColeHawlins · 26/03/2019 14:33

OP , does your DS have accommodation elsewhere for the summer?

When did you move in with this horrible man?

TeddyIsaHe · 26/03/2019 14:37

Always, always pick your children over some idiot man. Relationships aren’t the be all and end all, your children are.

That would be it for me. No one would ever make my child feel uncomfortable or outright ban them from coming home.

Chocolateisfab · 26/03/2019 14:39

Your ds wants to be with you. Your 'd' p has no right to prevent that happening..

Original poster
Adele2204 · 26/03/2019 14:57

Thank you, I actually thought that I might be over reacting but for my the feedback it seems maybe I'm right...

I've been with this man for 6 years now. I've brought his kids up like my own for 6 years and now that mine need help it's refused..

OP posts:
ladybee28 · 26/03/2019 15:00

He's not a child, though, is he? He's 20 and lives away from home... and if there actually IS no space, that's not exactly negotiable, is it? It's not like you can magic up an extra bedroom.

OP, you said it's been met with 'negative feedback' from your DP – what does that mean? Has he actually said a flat 'no I don't want him here' or expressed a concern about space?

I'm ready to be flamed but frankly, if the whole of my family and the kids who still live at home were expected to give up the main communal space in the home for 3 months, I'd have concerns too... Of course it wouldn't be an out-and-out no, but it's not as simple as some PPs are making it sound.

Doyoumind · 26/03/2019 15:01

Are you married? Do you work? I hope you haven't left yourself in a vulnerable financial position whilst looking after his 4.

PrayingandHoping · 26/03/2019 15:03

Before he went to university where did your son live?

Original poster
Adele2204 · 26/03/2019 15:04

No we're not married and I'm working full time. There is the fact of space but he's my son also and you wouldn't put your dogs out for an evening let alone 3 months. He's also mentioned about the gas and electric used when he is there which would seem that he doesn't want him there although he hasn't said a flat our right no.....

OP posts:
Still18atheart · 26/03/2019 15:05

I wouldn't say "usually". Increasingly, HoR and college rooms are let to foreign students or conference delegates over the summer.

This is very true. I was put off going to uni in one city because it would have meant being kicked out of my room over Christmas so that conference delegates could move instead.

Still18atheart · 26/03/2019 15:07

Out of interest where did your son live before he went to uni?

What is his accommodation come next September?

Chocolateisfab · 26/03/2019 15:07

Does he complain about the utilities his own dc use?
Resentment isn't an attractive quality ime.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.