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Honeymoon etiquette...

97 replies

YYYYYiiiii · 07/03/2019 10:22

Am I right in thinking it’s bad taste to ask your ex husband to have your kids whilst you go on your honeymoon? Would you be unimpressed if your OH ex asked this especially when she owes your OH a substantial amount of money but has the money to get married and go on honeymoon?

OP posts:
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Foxmuffin · 13/03/2019 14:38

That’s assuming you have some money to cover it if you wanted to. Going from two to one income cannot be seamless. It’s inevitable that you aren’t going to be able to maintain your previous standard of living. If your husbands income was purely disposable it begs the question as to why you were both working anyway!

10IAR · 13/03/2019 14:39

Pay our own money towards maintenance but then when it comes to anything else obviously we're nothing to do with the DC as we're only the stepmum?

Point me to where I said that sorry?

I paid for XHs DD because I wanted to and I felt it was right.

If DP couldn't work and pay for his DDs I'd do the same.

No idea where you got "have nothing to do with them from" DS1s SM is about the only saving grace in the whole situation. She's more of a parent to him than his dad has ever been.

PoesyCherish · 13/03/2019 14:45

You didn't @10IAR but most here do think that as do most of the ex wife's in real life. It's great you paid but that was your choice and you had the option. Don't look down on others and accuse them of doing the absolute bare minimum and thinking they're saints just because who for various reasons can't or won't do what you did and pay the ex maintenance.

Foxmuffin · 13/03/2019 14:45

@10IAR that’s great that you were able to and admirable too. But it’s pretty naive to assume everyone is able to do that.

My husbands CMS is equal to our mortgage. I just could not sustain that should he fall ill and run the household on my full time wage. It just would not be possible.

cocodash · 13/03/2019 14:46

@10IAR i honestly dont get why your coming on here bashing us. if your XH is a shit dad thats his problem. were only over here trying to do what we think is best for our family.

when DH wasnt working i didnt have the luxury of being able to afford to pay the maintance and meet the mortgage payments

In our position what would you have done? No savings. all wedding and honeymoon non-refundable. would you have Gracefully paid the maintance and defaulted on the mortgage for 3 months and potentially be made homeless?

10IAR · 13/03/2019 14:51

My husbands CMS is equal to our mortgage. I just could not sustain that should he fall ill and run the household on my full time wage. It just would not be possible.

It's included in our insurance (wasn't when I was with XH it was overtime that paid for it) because I worry about that too.

In our position what would you have done? No savings. all wedding and honeymoon non-refundable. would you have Gracefully paid the maintance and defaulted on the mortgage for 3 months and potentially be made homeless?

No, but then if it had been said like that in the first place I wouldn't have had an issue.

Chillyegg · 13/03/2019 14:53

@cocodash untwist your knickers don’t anecdotally drip feed a situation that involves your dp not paying maintanence and not expect a bun fight. I absolutely understand a life threatening illness completely changes things. But as a single mum who’s ex doesn’t pay, i see if that if I had a major illness I’d still need to provide and pay for my dd. Absolutely get if he was on benefits and nearly dies then he’d deffo need to pay for a house and food etc . But I can see why his ex might of been upset because that money from your husband would of been income she relies on. I’m I. The situation where I’ve not been paid by a man who was physically emotionally and financially absuive . I hate taking his money but I have to chase him because his measly £120 a month impacts how much food I can buy. Hopefully I’ll be in a position one day to not need the shots money though. Hence why this subject is so emotive , and probably why some PP’s have derailed with their own projections and issues.

cocodash · 13/03/2019 14:54

@10IAR fair enough. obv has been some miscommunication on me not giving the basic facts.

and... i hadnt thought about including that in insurance. off to get insurance quotes

PoesyCherish · 13/03/2019 14:55

i see if that if I had a major illness I’d still need to provide and pay for my dd

Difference is you'd probably be entitled to a lot more benefits having custody of the DC.

PoesyCherish · 13/03/2019 14:56

@10IAR not all of us can get insurance. DH and I can't get insurance due to health conditions so paying for the mortgage through that isn't an option for us.

Foxmuffin · 13/03/2019 14:57

Well that’s fortunate for you. Again, you’re assuming your circumstances are applicable to everyone. I don’t get paid overtime, it’s not all that common for professionals - you’re expected to work to additional hours as and when the needs of the business demand. I also think if I thought my my husband was critically ill I’d want to spend every moment I could with him, not working extra even if OT was a possibility!
I’m glad you were able to polish your halo during a difficult time.

cocodash · 13/03/2019 15:07

@chillyegg sorry, but im commando today nothing to untwist here! lol sorry if i came across harsh on you, this isnt my post so i didnt post all the nitty gritty details as i didnt think i would get pounced on so i didnt intentionally drip feed.

Im sorry your in the position you are with your ex and agree that some single mums rely heavily on their maintance esp when ex doesnt pay. i fully support maintance should be paid and DH has never had issues with it in the past. DH ex is fortunate enough not to rely on the maintance money - not meaning anything by this other than just making a point that her and DSS werent left high and dry.

Chillyegg · 13/03/2019 15:22

@cocodash you didn’t seem harsh at all I’m just explaining my view point. Now we’ve all made friends and can sip ginagain while sneering slightly at netmums (something I havnt seen for a long old time).
In short everyone agrees everyone should pay for their child.
Op no a birthday doesn’t trump a honey moon and your dp should look after the children. Why wouldn’t he?
Her owing him money is an annoying but side issue.
NEXT

cocodash · 13/03/2019 15:25

@chillyegg il drink to that lol

Fuck sorry OP we just all kind of went off on one! Hope you get it all sorted lol

Anyway I'm off to AIBU to join the rest of mumsnet and silently judge others

10IAR · 13/03/2019 15:32

cocodash apologies for projecting (insurance is a fecker but if you can get it, well worth it)

Polishing my halo? Nope, not an angel. Never said I was, I believe I called it "the bare minimum".

It would seem not everybody agrees that paying for step children is the bare minimum.

And on that note I'll apologise for the derail and retreat.

stealthmode · 14/03/2019 10:23

IS this thread for real? I mean seriously? There are at least two threads a week on his board, quite seriously flaming SP’s (or non official SP’s because only use that term if you’re married, otherwise don’t) for being too involved in children’s lives. Because we’re constantly reminded the children aren’t yours. Back off. Let the mother and the father deal with it.

Fine. Agreed. It’s the exact reason I won’t be caught dead at any of my DO’s DC’s school events as an example.

However we now have this thread which seems to state, that it is the SM’s responsibility to pick up the slack of something happens to her DH/ DP? Well, isn’t that a convenient about face?

Please don’t overstep your boundaries and over parent a child that isn’t yours. Oh, except when it comes to money. Hand that over please, I don’t care where that comes from.

Let me make one thing clear. My DC are my priority. My DP’s DC are his and his EW’s priority.
If anything happened to my DP and that impacted the maintenance he paid the ex, hell would freeze over before i picked up any of it.
I would absolutely pay for food, clothing and anything else they needed when in DP’s care. But maintenance? Not a chance.

I’m stretched covering what I cover already, with no maintenance received from my exH as we are both relatively self sufficient. But that means my finances are stretched tight and out of that maybe I can/ can’t afford holidays.

So in the scenario that my DP couldn’t pay maintenance and I could afford a holiday with my Dc. Would I forgo the holiday? Not. A. Chance.

Now I will say, my Dp’s Ew does not need the maintenance. So that probably helps me with that assurity.

But the posters on these boards need to figure out what they want from step parents in their DC’s lives. Because I for sure am never becoming a cashpoint for the my DP’s DC when they aren’t with him.

Foxmuffin · 14/03/2019 11:01

@stealthmode
Oh I agree. SP cannot win. It’s madness.

Obviously more clear cut where like me and you the ex lives a comfortable life. I’d never see any child go without. But I wouldn’t sacrifice myself and my children to contribute to the running of another household where that household can run smoothly without my input!

PoesyCherish · 14/03/2019 11:04

But I wouldn’t sacrifice myself and my children to contribute to the running of another household where that household can run smoothly without my input!

Exactly! DH's ex currently takes home 3 x more than me based on their clean break order last year (which they didn't do until years after their divorce) so I'm not going to make us homeless just to bump her lifestyle.

HotChocolateLover · 20/03/2019 12:52

I don’t even like my ex-husband (feeelings are mutual) However, it was his weekend to has DS whilst I was on my honeymoon so my mum just put him on the train as usual, no discussion.

Livelovebehappy · 24/03/2019 10:33

Absolutely fine to not contribute towards dhs maintenance if he’s unable to pay it himself. But it works both ways. Lots of SMs complain when their DPs pay anything extra to their DCs or EXs saying it interferes with their lifestyle - then it’s described as ‘our’ money, but strangely if DP can’t afford to pay maintenance it’s suddenly ‘my’ money.

KittyInTheCradle · 09/04/2019 18:46

Sounds like they paid back more than was actually required in child support (poster says ex scoffed at the £5 that was actually required to pay based on ssp)...

KittyInTheCradle · 09/04/2019 18:49

Isn't £5 a week a bit silly to quibble about especially as poster said step son was round theres more than usual I'm assuming being fed and looked after (£5s worth probably!)

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