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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How would you answer this question from SC?

32 replies

PIVOTT · 04/03/2019 13:56

They asked me the other day why mummy isn't invited to mine and DPs wedding.

I'm just wondering what some of you would say in response to that?

They are 5&7.

We were in the middle of something at the time so they got distracted before I answered but I was thinking afterwards that I couldn't really think of a child appropriate answer if they were to ask again!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 04/03/2019 13:57

Could you just say lightly that Mummy wouldn't enjoy it?

BikeRunSki · 04/03/2019 13:58

Because Mummy used to be married to Daddy/in a relationship with Daddy, and she would be sad watching him get married to someone else.

Original poster

PIVOTT · 04/03/2019 14:02

BikeRunSki well the last thing I want to do is make them think we are making their mum sad! They have taken it all extremely well and are excited to be involved, I don't want to create concerns for them over mummy being sad.

Also, I don't believe that's actually true. She's in a relationship herself and seems very happy for us (we all get on perfectly fine).

OP posts:

Motherofcreek · 04/03/2019 14:04

Pivot could you just say you think she maybe really busy that day?

SweetButaPsycho · 04/03/2019 14:32

I would just say that mummy was busy having a nice day with her own partner that day.

C0untDucku1a · 04/03/2019 14:35

Mummy was at daddy’s first wedding and so doesnt need to see it again?

Or just she is busy that day?
Theres no room?

Or invite her and she can look after the sc?

Katterinaballerina · 04/03/2019 14:36

‘Mummy was at daddy’s first wedding and so doesnt need to see it again?‘

I love this

L0kiWh0 · 04/03/2019 14:37

Are they flower girls /pageboys?

Fwiw we invite dsd mum and nan to our wedding as they were flower girls and we’re excited, and thought their mum should see them, but it depends on what type of relationship you have with her.

QueenofallIsee · 04/03/2019 14:38

We have had similar, we just said that it’s not a party for Mummy, it’s a party for Daddy and Step-Mum...they were fine

Original poster

PIVOTT · 04/03/2019 14:43

we can't use that as they were never married so it's DPs first wedding!

I think I'll probably just go with the busy idea if they ask again.

It just got me thinking because I hadn't anticipated the question and was kind of stuck!!

We do get along fine but it's not the kind of relationship where I'd particularly want her at my wedding and I know DP wouldn't agree either. They do co parent well but he doesn't particularly 'like' her due to issues they had.

OP posts:

CanILeavenowplease · 04/03/2019 17:21

Because Mummy used to be married to Daddy/in a relationship with Daddy, and she would be sad watching him get married to someone else

Why? Why would you even begin to think that reasonable?

NorthernSpirit · 04/03/2019 17:43

Because it wouldn’t be right for mummy to be there.....

Original poster

PIVOTT · 04/03/2019 17:47

NorthernSpirit I feel like that would just lead to 'why?' though.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 04/03/2019 17:49

I think, if you all get on well and she’s happy for you, why isn’t she invited is a reasonable question. Why don’t you invite her?

PotteringAlong · 04/03/2019 17:50

Right, just seen that you don’t want her there. I missed that bit. Then I’d go with “mummy’s busy”.

moofolk · 04/03/2019 17:54

But why isn't she invited, really? It's a reasonable question and she's probably wondering that herself.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 04/03/2019 17:56

Mummy was at Daddy’s first wedding
My children have never known their dad and I to be together as we separated when they were babies. They stumbled upon a photo of me in a wedding dress with my Grandad at his house and said “Wow Grandad! I didn’t know you used to be married to my mum!”

moofolk · 04/03/2019 17:58

I think it's disingenuous to say mummy is busy if you haven't invited her because you don't want her there.

You need to have a word with the ex.

Original poster

PIVOTT · 04/03/2019 17:58

You really think my DPs ex is wondering why she isn't invited to our wedding?? I honestly don't believe she would be expecting an invite.

We get on fine in terms of them parenting the children, speak at pick ups and drop offs, no drama or anything. We aren't friends though, her and DP do not speak really other than about the children.

In the circumstances, I would certainly not expect an invite to her wedding if roles were reversed.

OP posts:

Original poster

PIVOTT · 04/03/2019 18:22

I guess I just think, knowing our relationship, she'd be a bit to get an invite and I probably wouldn't feel incredibly comfortable about it either if in being totally honest.

Yes we get on fine for the sake of the kids and there's been no dramas like you see on here sometimes but we aren't super friendly or anything and only ever speak when it's about the children.

She did say she was happy for us but it was just a text to say 'just heard the news about you and Pivott, congrats I'm happy for you both!'

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 04/03/2019 18:33

Can't you say it's because at your wedding you invite people who are your friends and who are related to you and that their mummy is wonderful, but she's not related to you or DP and you're not friends together, you're parents together? If they can understand it, you could also point out all the other people in your lives who aren't friends or related (don't use the word family I suspect) eg work colleagues, teachers, parents at the school gates, postman etc.

I mean, basically, that's a sort of age appropriate way of telling the truth which is that she isn't your friend and just because she's in your life you don't have to invite her.

HollowTalk · 04/03/2019 18:36

Who the hell are all these people who think the OP should invite her fiance's ex to their wedding?

FanSpamTastic · 04/03/2019 19:24

I think I'd maybe talk to their mum or ask your DP to, and ask what she suggests? They may we'll have asked her the same question and it would be good if you all gave the same answer.

So if she has said or would say "I'm busy that day" - then go with that.

funinthesun19 · 04/03/2019 19:24

Because Mummy used to be married to Daddy/in a relationship with Daddy, and she would be sad watching him get married to someone else

Projecting by any chance?

I can’t think of any reason why a stepparent would willingly tell their stepchildren that. And what if it opens a can of worms and makes the children start worrying about their parent being upset and they start becoming withdrawn from the wedding preparations and the wedding itself because they don’t want to upset their parent?
Stupid idea for so many reasons!

I’d just say she’s busy

Firefliess · 04/03/2019 19:52

I'd take the opportunity to explain a bit that mummy is an important person in their lives but not really part of the family they share with you and DP. You could help them draw it out in a picture and show them in the middle with mummy and mummy's family (parents etc if she's not remarried) on one side and your family on the other.

That said, DH and I did invite our exes to the evening do of our wedding (I wouldn't have been comfortable with his ex being there for the ceremony itself). DH's ex chose not to come, but my ex did and during a quiet moment told me how happy he was for me, which was just lovely. So I don't think there's a hard and fast rule saying you can't possibly contemplate inviting exes.

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