Blended family nightmare

[Aussiebelle]

Hello

I am from Sydney Australia and have been searching for help or advice or just even other step parents to talk to.

I have been with my partner for 8.5 years. I have 4 children ranging from (F23) (F18) (F17) and (M13) and my partner has two children (F13) and (F10)

I come from a very inclusive family, everyone is welcome and we all want what’s best for everyone. My partner not so much. Immediately on becoming aware that my partner was dating me his mother refused to meet me, called me terrible names and so on. Usually I am can handle myself but to be honest this was very confusing as I hadn’t met her yet and I was pretty hurt /shocked.

My partners ex wife had a boyfriend (still does) but hated my very existence. Again, I figured this really isn’t my issue as I hadn’t met her at the time etc.

My partners mother and ex wife never got along during his marriage. All of a sudden (when I came on the picture) they became close.

Anyway, we did not introduce our children to each other or the relationship until 2014. I just felt it was important to be mindful and needed to be sure I was in a committed serious relationship. Things at first were going well. We would go to places on the weekend as a group and the kids seemed to get along ok. Mine are a little older but they knew it was important to establish relationships and work at becoming a unit so there was a lot of fun and activities.

In July of 2016 we decided to move in together and I put my place up for rent and moved into his bigger house with him. We each have our kids 50% of the time in shared custody arrangements. At first things seemed…..ok. Its an adjustment etc and I honestly think I am the one that struggled here the most. I could see some small issues but everyone else seemed oblivious. Things like my kids eat what I provide them, are respectful, use manners etc where his girls only eat chicken nuggets, drink cordial and never say please or thank you.

Around 3 months after I moved in we had a big argument that had been building for a while. It was a simple issue. Partners (F12) would not drink water and I didn’t not provide softdrinks etc. Anyway after weeks of little snipey comments where my partner would say to his daughter in the background “sorry we cant have softdrink” I exploded and said if you want to provide your kid with soft drink you can take yourself up to the shops and buy it yourself. He exploded back at me and from then on this same issue and all these other issues continued with me being harassed constantly and us always fighting when his girls were with us.

They would pretend vomit over every dinner I served. This was horrible, angered my children, embarrassed my partner and was just miserable.
They accused my son of saying “suck my d*” one night when we went out for dinner although they didn’t realise my son wasn’t even home he was at his dads. So they were caught in that lie. My partner just punished them by taking their softdrink off them? I was horrified and thought these type of lies can be quite dangerous.
Anyway this type of behaviour continued on and off and pretty much every time they would come we would argue. We don’t argue when they are not here or when my kids are here.

At some point girls tell him that his mother (who babysits them before and after school every day) is saying terrible things to them (example – your dad left your mother because of you and OR your dad doesn’t love you and he did not confront the issue. I spoke to him about this and said a) if your mum is saying these things you need to tackle this head on and b) if you don’t think your girls are being truthful then again you need to find out why. He chose to do nothing. Then they complain about his brother in law. Who I have met and is lovely. Basically they said that he told them not to kiss their cousins his children like he was disgusted. Again no one said anything. Next in line was their mothers boyfriend who they told us that he doesn’t like them and he refuses to visit and their mum told them it was because they are there. This time I sat him down and said your kids are not being truthful and showed him the social media photos of them hanging with their mother and her boyfriend. He asked his 12yr old and she admitted she lied.

I then said you have to address these lies as next they will be saying things about me and I certainly wont ignore it. He didn’t address it. I told him telling lies can be dangerous either to the person your lying about or yourself as no one will believe them etc.

Sure enough about a year ago they told his mother and their mother that I had shoved them down a flight of stairs. I didn’t, and I was somewhat lucky that my partner was there the whole time. So this started even more hatred and abuse from his mother and ex (directed at him) as they don’t acknowledge me.

We have since found out by seeing messages from the 12 year old to her mother that they lie about what we feed them, if we fight etc, what we do and even a hideous amount of stalking. For instance, they will tell her how I eat, how I cook, what messages I write on my chalkboard (usually lovely positive messages for all to see) they call me Satan, my kids satans children, my granddaughter Satan and say things like we are repulsive and how Karma is coming for me? They say they are left alone when he never does leave them alone. That we starve them that I run the house like a military training camp. The mother is actively encouraging this spying and conversation and being manipulative saying things like “ I want you full time but you just have to go to your dads for now” when we have offered the mother this if it will make her daughter happier but she has refused and said she doesn’t want to give up the boyfriend. The mother also encourages the daughter to ignore me, and has told both girls to go straight to their room and stay there and that its not my house so they don’t have to listen to me. They also discuss how they weren’t invited to my kids bday lunch (they were) and went on about how bad that was when they have told me and my kdis we aren’t welcome to attend anything on their side.

So now, for the last year and a half these girls have come to the house, don’t speak, don’t say hello or anything and head straight to their room and stay there. They wont touch food I prepare, ignore me if I talk to them and report lies back to the mother and MIL.

My family and kids were inviting them everywhere but Ive had to stop this as it was killing me they were saying things about us and even ignoring gifts given to them by my family.

My partner and I have had long periods of no fighting but its only because I completely shut down whenever his kids are there. And I mean shut down. Im not coping and feel very uncomfortable around them and hate when they come as its so horrible.

If we do fight – its about his kids.

The other night he mentions he is playing soccer again this season which means Friday night games. I asked him what will he do with the girls on the Friday he has them and he said they will be staying at the house….with me. I am terrified. I feel he has put me in a really dangerous position of being accused of god knows what and it caused big arguments.

I think its fine for them to come as they are his kids but think he needs to be there considering the history with lying. I am considering installing cameras and having multiple people there as witnesses to protect myself.

I know that the goal of their mother is to turn them against me and their father and I think she has succeeded but I am at the point of wishing the process would speed up so they leave and I don’t have to be scared anymore.

[Perch]

You sound lovely. This is no way to live! My love and respect for a man would dissapear v quickly if I had live my life like this. Is it really worth it? If you were my friend I would probably advise and support you to leave x

[Magda72]

It's great your dp is now being proactive but I would still move. I know financially that might be hard but honestly no one should have to install cctv for their kids & you shouldn't have to live under scrutiny.
I think that counselor is bang on the money & tbh I think the only thing your dp can do now is maintain contact with his girls in the hope that some day they will see the light so to speak, but it sounds like they are too far gone & damaged in their day to day parenting to make your blended family work. I think your dp may need to acknowledge that he has two separate family units - you, him & your kids & then him & his kids.

[fargo123]

Your son is the most vulnerable one here. I'd make sure he was never left alone with the girls so that they can't make up any more lies about him.

I'd also be moving out ASAP.