How to ask dss (10) for privacy ahead of new baby

[Yabbadabbadoooo]

Long time lurker first time asker.
My dss is 10, and I’ve been in his life since he was 6. Historically he would come flying into our bedroom every morning when he’s here for contact, and when he was younger I didn’t mind, he was only small. As he got older I got more uncomfortable with it, as he climbed into bed with us and lay between us (we have a great relationship and I love him to bits...BUT I sleep in my undies and a t shirt. I’m his stepmum so I feel it’s inappropriate as he gets older especially as I didn’t give birth to him. I also don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable because of my choice of sleepwear so I try to wiggle away and sneak pj bottoms on). So when he was 9 I asked him to start knocking in case I was sleeping with my bum hanging out of bed (appealing to his love of toilet humour). He sort of knocks but to be honest it’s more of a opening and knocking simultaneously.
Anyhoo me and DH have been ttc (we broached the subject of dss having a little brother or sister as a possibility when we married and he was excited). I’m now pregnant though it’s very early days. I would like to ask DSS to not come through to us every morning, NOW, so he doesn’t associate this with the new baby. That way when we start sharing news of the pregnancy a few months down the line he hopefully won’t feel pushed out by impending arrival. As I get bigger and heavier I will want more privacy and chances are I’ll want to fling the sheets off when hot etc and when baby arrives I will want privacy In bed to breastfeed. I feel like sorting this out now and just explaining it as I want privacy in the mornings to get dressed and stuff is better, and that when I’m sorted I’ll open the bedroom door and he’s welcome to come through. I have also noticed when he snuggles up to me when watching tv he sort of touches my breasts and I mentioned it to DH but genuinely don’t know if he’s unaware he’s doing it or if he’s being inappropriate without realising as he is getting to tween age. So as I am not the woman who gave birth to him and don’t have that biological connection I want to establish some kind of boundary now really. Is what I’ve suggested ok?? I have also told dss he’s more than welcome to go down on his own and watch his cartoons on tv if he’s up and about before us but he doesn’t do this (when I was his age having the tv to myself of a morning was glorious). Really want to strike a healthy balance between decent privacy for me and establishing bond between dss and his sibling so any experience /advice much appreciated.

He at the age when he’s about to do all that a lot less- my DCs are ten and have recently stopped regardinng our room as free reign.

I think you need a combination. When you have baby in bed BFing it will be really nice for dss to spend quality time with his dad, making breakfast etc, so why not start this now?

Also model good behaviour and knock on ‘his’ door before entering...

God sorry for the spelling mistakes! Bf my very wriggly toddler

He sounds like a great kid who loves you very much. The blended family thing seems to be really working - tread carefully, you don’t want to hurt his feelings.

At some stage he will start to withdraw a bit. The cuddling in bed will stop on its own. You will miss it. You might also find you aren’t as concerned about privacy when the baby comes along. You might be dragging him into the bedroom to get you a nappy, or w clean baby gro or to hold the baby. He might be the one insisting he needs privacy!!

See now I’ve had all this valuable advice from other stepmums, I feel now it’s ok to breastfeed in front of dss. That’s what I came on here right? For advice!
With regards to snuggles in bed all I want is for dss to not come in when he chooses and instead for me to stick some pj bottoms on and then open the door for him to come through. As for the advice to wear pjs at night unfortunately I get too hot and kick them off in my sleep.

Also I do already practice what I preach and knock his door before entering

Can I also please ask thoughts on when I’m heavily pregnant? Would I be wrong to not want dss clambering around our bed when there’s a huge belly to contend with?

I think his Dad can easily say don't squash Yabba' s tummy/ the baby. But it will help if he can feel the baby kicking.
Top tip, get him to sing to the bump, then he will be able to calm the baby when it's born.

@Yabbadabbadoooo I don't think wanting a bit of space is unreasonable at all. At 9mths I barely wanted to be in bed with my husband let alone anyone else! I also had a massive body pillow taking up space.

I wouldn't have wanted anyone coming into my bedroom unannounced when I had a newborn, mainly because sleep was so precious.

Sorry op but I think he obviously really likes you and feels comfortable with you, he's still a very young kid, I would embrace it, let him cuddle you both, you're a parent to him as well.

OP, I think you sound like a really good step mum. I also don't think expecting him to knock and wait is unreasonable at all - my parents always had that rule. He does knock, as you've asked him too, so just get DH to reinforce that he should wait until told to come in. It will become a habit for him pretty quickly, and the fact that you and DH already do it for him should help.

Ours (not step children) always came in. day after day and far too early particularly at weekends. you could just put a lock on the door. My bed room door has a lock inside it (and we ensured all our teenagers had locks on their bedrooms by the way so they had privacy from us once about 13) and I sleep with it locked every night.

Does his mother mind him seeing you in bed or naked? I would have no problem with my children seeing their step mother naked (I take my children on nudist beaches etc and we are that kind of family). However once most boys get a bit bigger than this one they tend not to want to see parents naked so he probably would keep out. You could let him come in when you are totally naked one day and standing up deliberately as you hear him coming and see if he minds. It would be lovely for him to see your growing tummy sa the pregnant progresses or would in our family .Some families like to cover up. nothing wrong with either view.

When I had our twqins I moved into their room so the breastfeeding every few hours did not wake everyone else up including my teenager and their father just for when I was feeding (we both worked full time and had a kind of rota that I did most of hte nights in year 1 and their father the next 3 years - our children never really slept much until 5 or 6. SO perhaps you could sleep in one room and your step son and his father another once the baby comes for the first few months.

I have a six month old with my OH he also has a daughter my DSD who is a similar age to your SS.

I don’t breast feed directly but I do express for my DD when my DSD is with us she often sees me expressing for DD, she is aware of what I am doing and understands part of it, she’s never seemed like she was uncomfortable. I was a bit cautious about doing it in front of her at first but she’s so ok with it, I now find it easier.

Has your DSS got any other younger siblings on his mums side? Do you know how she fed him or any siblings? Sometimes that can help if their mum has done it, as it gives them a bit more understanding of what’s going on.

As for coming into the room in the morning, if you or your Oh have a good relationship with his mum you could ask her if he does something similar and what does she do?

As for touching your boobs, if they are not already, your boobs are going to be no go zones for anyone due to being pregnant as they become quite painful and sensitive in the early stages. You could say very politely that it hurts to your SS that way he may avoid that area?

My DSD used to come into our room for cuddles in the morning but she has stopped doing that, sounds a bit like lazy parenting but she now has her own telly and Netflix in her room and she watches that if she is awake before us, could that be something that he might go for?

There has been one occasion when she did come in about 10 months ago where it was about 6am on the weekend and she stood at her dads side of the bed (paranormal activity style) and stared at her dad! He woke up nearly screamed the house down! I nearly fell out of bed and it was all a bit funny afterwards 😂 not sure if I would want a repeat of that! Lol x

Congratulations on your pregnancy

You sound like you’ve established a really lovely comfortable close family unit and it’ll stand you in good stead when your baby arrives.

I’ve had my DSD who’s 9 in bed with me this morning after DH got up to make breakfast rubbing my enormous bump with her freezing hands asking me endless questions about how it’ll possibly come out!

Both my DSC are fascinated by the whole thing. I honestly thought we’d tell them I was pregnant, hoped they’d be happy and then forget about it till it was due. Not so at all! They call it their baby, they rub my belly a lot, they’ve both become much note tactile and huggy and I’ve given up on any ideas of privacy for the foreseeable. You don’t have a clue how it’ll be when you haven’t done it before and you just go with the flow I think.

Like you, we’ve always had them both barrel in for morning cuddles and I’ve got used to the cold feet and space invasion over time, they won’t want to do it forever and I’ll miss it when they stop.

I used to be cold at night and well layered up but they have no concept of privacy and I still have to tell them nicely to bugger off and use the downstairs loo when I’m in the shower and they want a wee. I’m boiling now pregnant and if I sleep in pants and a vest they see me get up in pants and a vest. No one bats an eyelid. DSS is naked till we make him get dressed anyway.

You’re absolutely entitled to privacy and feeling comfortable but I’ve gradually given up most of my ideas about that stuff as they just barrel around and don’t care. When they’re older they will but for now I’m relaxed and we’re all comfortable so I've given up trying to change it.

I hadn’t given much thought to breastfeeding other than that I’ll probably spend the first couple of months on the sofa once it’s born doing not much else hoping DH and the DC bring me food and water. They’ve seen people do it before, breasts are for feeding babies, I want as little to change as possible and we’ll all adapt as needed.

I might be breathtakingly naive and it’ll all be a nightmare but I’m travelling optimistically and think how lucky my baby is to have two such wonderful excited happy siblings who already love it so much, how my DSC know we adore them and are adding to our family and that they won’t be replaced or pushed out or anything and that we’ll find a way to make it work as most people manage to do.

In the immediate term, kick your husband out of bed to get DSS breakfast and let you have a lie in. And generally, relax and embrace the family you have and are growing. You’re a lovely step mum and it’ll all be fine.

Thanks all I really appreciate all your input!

@Xenia I totally reword your views and way of doing things but for us I feel putting a lock on the door would really hurt dss feelings.
Kudos to you for taking your kids to nudist beaches, I really admire that! dss so far hasn’t seen me naked, I make an effort to cover up but of course he would see my tummy (obviously I’d be wearing jeans and a top just roll it up to show him). I wouldn’t be comfortable standing fully naked in front of him..whether that’s right or wrong I don’t know I just couldn’t do it!
I have actually considered just that, there’s a spare bed in the room where baby will sleep once it’s 6 months old, and I’ve already offered DH that I could sleep there with baby when he needs to sleep when he’s on shift pattern. He said no need he can sleep through it! But the option is still there.

You could let him come in when you are totally naked one day and standing up deliberately as you hear him coming and see if he minds
🤔 I think this is a bit weird...

@Faerie87 that made me laugh so much! DH’s ex is frankly a nightmare, no hope of discussing that kind of stuff, she is highly critical of everything me and DH do and always threatening contact so I suppose that’s why I’m so cautious really.and no younger siblings that side.

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you so much. Your post has really helped as you’re obviously in similar scenario to me although a lot further a long. I want to include dss in the pregnancy as much as possible as in the past he has seemed so excited about having a sibling, so I just hope he still is! Really enjoyed reading about your pregnancy so far and the SC being involved and excited (“their” baby - so cute!)

I think you'll be fine. Some of these things can't be planned for as you don't know how you'll feel so try not to overthink what will happen in the future.

I don't understand why your dh can't just get up first.

I think you don't feel as comfortable with him as you say. T shirt and pants is perfectly respectable, breastfeeding fine. He should knock and wait in case you are getting changed or having sex, plucking your eyebrows, whatever.
About touching your breasts, just say you are getting a big boy now and be careful where you put your hands, also pregnancy makes them sore, then just move his hand gently. This could be a good opener for talking about consent.
Do what feels comfy and don't stress too much, include him when baby comes, let him help, all will be fine

He's only 10 and he is the priority at the moment. He is no where near being a tweenager yet.

If you really can't get a lighter duvet, make sure the heating is off, open a window, wear lighter pjs in now autumn/winter so a young child continues to feel comfortable enough in their home to come into their parents bedroom then your dh needs to get up early. He will stop it soon enough when he grows older and feels awkward but until then the (step)parents need to make the adjustments not the child.

You might be breastfeeding, or trying to bf, for hours every day and it will get very isolated and make you feel unsupported during the usually challenging initial weeks if you do separate yourself from your dss and consequently your dh during this time. It won't be fair on your dss if you and your dh go to another room with the baby regularly and leave him excluded.

He isn't your bio child, but you have been a mother figure to him since an early age so it is entirely appropriate you treat him as you would your own child and allow him access to the bedroom and bf in his presence as any fully bio family would. You seen to want to treat him like almost a strange nearly adult male or a cuckoo in the nest which will have consequences for him and his relationship with his dad and you. Now is the time to try to bring your dss closer not push him away.

I think it's fair enough to set boundaries for privacy, especially at 10, knocking at least before coming into the bedroom. He'll appreciate the same consideration in a year or two!

Babies/pregnancy/bf do make our bodies more visible and there's not much you can do about that - it can be an unsettling process but pregnancy gives us the time to acclimatise.

In general what he's doing isn't weird or anything. My sons of a similar age are cuddly and like bed hopping. I'll miss it when it stops!

I think you should normalise breastfeeding from the start, it’s really important for children to see this as normal so they have good attitudes towards it when they’re older.

And feeding only in the bedroom will be very isolating for you and baby, and boring too.

I think it's actually very heartening that he is so close to you. It's only awkward if you make it so. Too soon he'll be a teenager replying in grunts!

I breastfed in front of my DSCs who were 9 and 7 when I gave birth. This didn’t bother me a bit. But I would have hated them coming into my bedroom.

OP you sound so lovely, and have clearly established a really good relationship with your DSS.

Contradicting PP I wouldn't wear pyjamas to bed as if it was me it would result in a sleepless night as I find them too hot and uncomfortable.

My DD is 14 and comes into my bed around once a week- so it may going on a bit longer than other posters are predicting (or may not). My DP (not her biological dad) is in bed, but I've taught DD from the beginning to get in on my side, so I'm in the middle - could that work? Would definitely teach him now to knock and wait for an answer (plus this good manners).

Regarding BF- do what you feel comfortable with, you may feel uncomfortable in the first couple of weeks and become more confident and not as bothered as time goes on. I would ignore the harsh posters on this subject, how could you know how often you would be BF'ing as you're a first time mom? I'm sure some posters can't remember what it was like not knowing everything about having a child.

Congratulations, I wish you luck and good health