How to ask dss (10) for privacy ahead of new baby

[Yabbadabbadoooo]

Long time lurker first time asker.
My dss is 10, and I’ve been in his life since he was 6. Historically he would come flying into our bedroom every morning when he’s here for contact, and when he was younger I didn’t mind, he was only small. As he got older I got more uncomfortable with it, as he climbed into bed with us and lay between us (we have a great relationship and I love him to bits...BUT I sleep in my undies and a t shirt. I’m his stepmum so I feel it’s inappropriate as he gets older especially as I didn’t give birth to him. I also don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable because of my choice of sleepwear so I try to wiggle away and sneak pj bottoms on). So when he was 9 I asked him to start knocking in case I was sleeping with my bum hanging out of bed (appealing to his love of toilet humour). He sort of knocks but to be honest it’s more of a opening and knocking simultaneously.
Anyhoo me and DH have been ttc (we broached the subject of dss having a little brother or sister as a possibility when we married and he was excited). I’m now pregnant though it’s very early days. I would like to ask DSS to not come through to us every morning, NOW, so he doesn’t associate this with the new baby. That way when we start sharing news of the pregnancy a few months down the line he hopefully won’t feel pushed out by impending arrival. As I get bigger and heavier I will want more privacy and chances are I’ll want to fling the sheets off when hot etc and when baby arrives I will want privacy In bed to breastfeed. I feel like sorting this out now and just explaining it as I want privacy in the mornings to get dressed and stuff is better, and that when I’m sorted I’ll open the bedroom door and he’s welcome to come through. I have also noticed when he snuggles up to me when watching tv he sort of touches my breasts and I mentioned it to DH but genuinely don’t know if he’s unaware he’s doing it or if he’s being inappropriate without realising as he is getting to tween age. So as I am not the woman who gave birth to him and don’t have that biological connection I want to establish some kind of boundary now really. Is what I’ve suggested ok?? I have also told dss he’s more than welcome to go down on his own and watch his cartoons on tv if he’s up and about before us but he doesn’t do this (when I was his age having the tv to myself of a morning was glorious). Really want to strike a healthy balance between decent privacy for me and establishing bond between dss and his sibling so any experience /advice much appreciated.

@countrybunny I had thought of taking baby upstairs to bedroom to breastfeed not necessarily in bed as we have a bedroom chair but first thing in the morning I will be in bed won’t I

Well it's up to you OP. Personally I was happy to breast feed in front of strangers (eg in a cafe) so it would certainly have been fine in front of a step child!

I think you are worrying unduly. He clearly sees you as a parent figure and cuddles up to you like my 9yo DS cuddles up to me. You should be so pleased - you’ve obviously done a great job.

I do nothing to put boundaries between me and my son. He’ll stop doing it shortly.

It sounds as though it’s making you uncomfortable which is fair enough but that’s because you are not sure how much intimacy you are allowed to have with DSS as opposed to a DS. Answer - as much as you both want imho. The son vs daughter thing is in your own head I think. Sons are gorgeous cuddly things when they are allowed to be.

Why are you making breastfeeding a sexualised thing? Especially in regards to a 10 year old for goodness sake?

He’s a child. Breastfeeding is totally normal, if you make it weird you’re just encouraging the next generation to continue to find it unnatural and that doesn’t help anyone.

Wear pjs in bed, get your husband to help you out and just go one with normal family life without making big issues out of everything or excluding your step son.

Be careful on what you say to dss and do it gradually so there isn't a big change, the news of a brother or sister will be huge. As for breastfeeding, don't hide away, someone told me I should be hiding away when my dsd was here but never did, fed everywhere and meant it wasn't a big deal when out and I had to feed. Unless you want to, you don't need to have anything in show with baby feeding. And for the first few weeks the baby will always be on to boob and you want to be comfortable and not locked away in your bedroom

Oh yes bf as normal. My ds who was 12 wasn’t remotely interested.

Please don’t have a go at me, I haven’t had a baby before so obviously I don’t have any idea how long they spend at the breast!
I’m just trying to accommodate everyone going forward.
Regarding dss cuddles in bed I’ve never suggested stopping that all I’ve considered doing is asking him to wait til we open the door then he can come in, which I thought was pretty fair and appropriate. I wouldn’t ever want to deprive him of having that

I think it’s a good chance to normalise bf if you don’t treat it like a big deal and carry on whenever. But about your actual question I think that it’s good to start doing some changes before the baby arrives. As children get older it’s a two way relationship and if there is something you really don’t like (him coming into bed) then it’s okay to say no and replace it with other things. It’s quite normal that you’ll be tired so I would start by getting his Dad to intercept and take him downstairs so you can get an extra 10 mins in bed. Our 8 year old comes in for a snuggle a couple of times a month, I think it’s better than saying ‘never’ but every day is a bit much!

If he’s used to having morning hug then telling him to go downstairs by himself is a bit harsh so I think an adult needs to go with him at first. Once he learns to make his own breakfast things might change...

Besides if you and the baby are sleeping in the morning he defitiely shouldn’t be coming in, sleep is precious! So starting some changes now seems like a good idea. My toddlers were very quickly whisked away from sleeping babies in the morning and seemed to accept the change quite quickly!

I think wear pjs to bed and suck,it up. Soon he won’t want to leap into your bed for cuddles. And you don’t want him to associate amour pregnancy / his upcoming sibling with his exclusion

My 10 year old does not bat an eyelid when he sees mums breastfeeding and thats because i never removed myself when his brothers needed feeding. As for snuggling up to you on the sofa, hes just making himself comfy, breasts are a great pillow, theres nothing more to it than that. The bedroom, your partner needs to get up with him, the occasional snuggle wont hurt, but these snuggles do rapidly start declining from around this age.

Who are you accomadating by suggesting DSS changes his behaviour instead of either of the adults ? K( you by wearing different nightwear or his Dad by getting up with him)

I don't have step children but I've asked my DC not to come in and wake us up in the morning - not for privacy, but for sleep! I think that's totally fine. You could also explain that will be even more important once the baby is born as you'll often have broken nights. Maybe promise you'll open the bedroom door as soon as you're awake so he knows he can come in.

However I think previous posters are correct that you shouldn't exclude him when you're bf - it's not practical or fair. Right at the beginning though you might feel self conscious so maybe ask for some space just for the first week or so while you're getting to grips with it. For example I used to sit in a chair turned towards the back window to bf at the start if my parents / in-laws were staying, although I'd never ask anyone to leave the room. A couple of weeks later though I'd bf anywhere in front of anyone, no qualms

Good luck with it all

I don't think any child protection agencies would be concerned about him seeing you breastfeed; it's not inappropriate, don't worry. Also, for what it's worth, I recall some research saying that if a child meets someone when they are younger than seven, they will never find that person sexually appealing. Apparently it's a biological protection against incest. Sometimes doesn't work, like all things in nature, but it's highly unlikely he'll ever fancy you. Does that help?

What does your DH think about his ds climbing into bed wth you two?

I have to say, I agree with pp.
Put some pj bottoms when he is here.

Breastfeed your baby in bed, just love you would during the day. Don’t make it something it’s not. I mean as an adult or even now as a child, I’m sure you would hope he isnt going to be feeling uncomfortable or disgusted looking at a woman breastfeeding in the street. Why should he now with you in your own home?
The more normal we are making breastfeeding in our own homes, the more it will be outside the home too (which goes into your favour as a breastfeeding mum btw)

And don’t create issues when there isn’t any (aka neither your dss or his mum or dad have complained about him getting into bed with you cuddles)

and thought maybe I should go upstairs to feed rather than make dss feel uncomfortable?

Speechless.
There is no way he would feel uncomfortable unless you made some untoward deal out of it or acted like he was watching something ‘wrong’. Sneaking off to a bedroom in order to breastfeed is really weird.

Thanks @Josieannathe2nd
I don’t have an issue with him coming to bed, I would just like to establish a better habit before the baby arrives. I look forward to me, DH, dss and baby all being in bed and chatting but I’m not imagining motherhood to be all lovely and sparkly and some days i know I’ll be tired or ill or sore or feeling shit and want time to sort myself out and especially as dss is 11 in a few months I think it’s ok to start teaching about privacy. We’ve never told him to go downstairs we’ve just told him it’s ok if he wants to and he’s welcome to do as he likes, putting tv on etc. and as you’ve said if baby and me are sleeping then rather than dss coming in, DH can go to him!

If you go upstairs to breastfeed you are going to spend a lot of time upstairs by yourself. And you'll need to feed out of the house too.

I think as others have said your best bet is to do it in front of him from the start in a totally relaxed way - so it's entirely a non issue for him. You won't make him uncomfortable if you're relaxed and it's a gift really to normalise it for him. Once baby is latched you can't see anything anyway. And it's certainly not inappropriate, as I can see you worry a bit about what's ok.

And in terms of the mornings just start now that the rule is that he needs to wait til he's called after he knocks. Like I said maybe DH assist a bit with this to start off with.

I think it's really thoughtful you're trying to start this now before he even knows you're pregnant and it sounds like you have a really nice relationship. Don't overthink the breastfeeding, act to send the correct message that's it's very normal and natural as it is and he probably will think nothing of it. Going elsewhere will make it a thing I think. You're so mindful of his needs I think it's all going to be fine. And, I forgot to say congratulations!

I think you are forgetting that op is a first time mum. She has no idea how she will feel breastfeeding yet and deserves the opportunity to establish feeding in her own way.

It's a bit like your first pregnancy, you still have some level of dignity and the thought of internals and such like can be quite intimidating. By the second pregnancy most mum's will whip their knickers off at a flash of a white coat if it means getting out of the hell hole that is a hospital maternity clinic quicker

I would think it's normal to breastfeed in front of him. I plan on breastfeeding in front of my ds. We've already talked about it and they are expecting it. I think he'll feel very excluded unless you include him in being allowed to continue getting into bed with you while you breast feed. Wear pajamas. I think the fact that you haven't given birth to him is irrelevant. He obviously sees you as a mother figure and is totally comfortable with you in that way. That is a lovely thing you should cherish. Adopted mothers haven't given birth to their children either.

I'm a stepmum to two kids and DH have gone on to have two together. You might feel like you need privacy when feeding but you might not. It's bloody hard going in the beginning. I'd been manhandled by umpteen midwives before the stepkids saw me try to feed. They were curious but it felt natural and not intrusive and helped to normalise breastfeeding for them. And I was so bloody knackered I wouldn't have cared if a parade passed through. In the early days of cluster feeding breastfeeding doesn't really finish exactly. You might get a bit of break in between but they are mostly attached to you. Your SS is also very close to secondary school and he's going to change massively seemingly overnight. He will suddenly want his own privacy etc.

By the way way my 11yo DD would be appalled at the thought of coming into our bed for cuddles in the morning! Try to enjoy it while it lasts because it probably won't be for much longer.

@HoppingPavlova there’s no need for you be speechless. you are speaking to a woman who has not had children yet. I’ve heard my 10 dss giggle about googling boobs with his friends so excuse me for being cautious! Me choosing where I breastfeed is up to me and is not weird, it’s my choice

Then that seems fine to me 👍 I think you should lovely and caring.

If you take baby upstairs to breastfeed you'll probably never see anyone else you live with. Newborns feed ALL THE TIME! Even if they do take breaks in between, each BF session can last as long as an hour. He's more likely to feel weirder about being abandoned for ages at a time.

Normalise it early on - one day he may be a father himself and it's good for him to learn that breastfeeding is normal and nothing to hide. Your boob will hardly be on show anyway.

As for the snuggles - they sound lovely but I'd probably stick some PJs on. You sound like a great stepmum to be so considerate of his feelings.

You really need to get breastfeeding and see comparison out of your mind, otherwise it’s really going to impede you actually doing it. Breastfeeding is not sexual in the slightest. So it doesn’t mater if an 11 year is looking at boobs, it’s not in the same category at all.