How to ask dss (10) for privacy ahead of new baby

[Yabbadabbadoooo]

Long time lurker first time asker.
My dss is 10, and I’ve been in his life since he was 6. Historically he would come flying into our bedroom every morning when he’s here for contact, and when he was younger I didn’t mind, he was only small. As he got older I got more uncomfortable with it, as he climbed into bed with us and lay between us (we have a great relationship and I love him to bits...BUT I sleep in my undies and a t shirt. I’m his stepmum so I feel it’s inappropriate as he gets older especially as I didn’t give birth to him. I also don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable because of my choice of sleepwear so I try to wiggle away and sneak pj bottoms on). So when he was 9 I asked him to start knocking in case I was sleeping with my bum hanging out of bed (appealing to his love of toilet humour). He sort of knocks but to be honest it’s more of a opening and knocking simultaneously.
Anyhoo me and DH have been ttc (we broached the subject of dss having a little brother or sister as a possibility when we married and he was excited). I’m now pregnant though it’s very early days. I would like to ask DSS to not come through to us every morning, NOW, so he doesn’t associate this with the new baby. That way when we start sharing news of the pregnancy a few months down the line he hopefully won’t feel pushed out by impending arrival. As I get bigger and heavier I will want more privacy and chances are I’ll want to fling the sheets off when hot etc and when baby arrives I will want privacy In bed to breastfeed. I feel like sorting this out now and just explaining it as I want privacy in the mornings to get dressed and stuff is better, and that when I’m sorted I’ll open the bedroom door and he’s welcome to come through. I have also noticed when he snuggles up to me when watching tv he sort of touches my breasts and I mentioned it to DH but genuinely don’t know if he’s unaware he’s doing it or if he’s being inappropriate without realising as he is getting to tween age. So as I am not the woman who gave birth to him and don’t have that biological connection I want to establish some kind of boundary now really. Is what I’ve suggested ok?? I have also told dss he’s more than welcome to go down on his own and watch his cartoons on tv if he’s up and about before us but he doesn’t do this (when I was his age having the tv to myself of a morning was glorious). Really want to strike a healthy balance between decent privacy for me and establishing bond between dss and his sibling so any experience /advice much appreciated.

If you're feeling a bit funny about being exposed when feeding maybe try getting some big T-shirt's and stretchy vests. Then you can lift the T-shirt and pull down the vest under one boob. It's a lot faster than fiddling with hooks/straps etc when you have a screaming baby in front of you. It will keep you mostly covered up too.

It's entirely fine to want a 10 year old to knock on your door. But I think your DH should be the one to enforce it. Knock - wait to be asked in. If no answer go downstairs and wait. Honestly I didn't want my stepkids to knock because it would have woken the baby. I much rather them ninja themselves into the room/bed. They knew they needed to climb in on DHs side. No one got between me and the baby. That was the rule to keep it safe for the baby. I also had a cosleeper cot thing which attached to the bed. But those really drowsy mornings of waking up and finding my stepkids stroking the baby's face stand out as some of my favourite memories.

My dad liked coming in the morning to bed to feel the baby kick but soon got bored with it and would go and play. If you want him to knock the door just keep on reminding him.
As for what you wear in bed, I've always just worn pants and a vest and never bothered to put on bottoms when dsd came into bed, once I get up I will put on trousers or a dressing gown

Dsd not dad!! That would be weird!!

My last thought is that greatest gift you can give your baby is a chance at a close relationship with his/her brother. Long after your gone they will still have each other. Facilitating that relationship and bond is one of the most important things you will do.

Hi @Yabbadabbadoooo - as others have said I too would aim to normalize the bfing - that can only be a good thing. However regarding everything else inc. the boob touching I understand exactly where you're coming from.
I know I'm going to get flayed for saying this but I personally think it's entirely inappropriate for a 10 yr old boy to touch the boobs of anyone (bar his mum & depending on the context). We're living in an era where the lack of bodily autonomy for girls & women has become a massive issue & I think all children, but male children in particular need to be taught physical boundaries. I DON'T mean this in some mean & shameful way - but in an appropriate way such as yes, door knocking, respecting personal space etc. If he's at a point where he's googling boobs then he's at a point to be taught (in a gentle, non shaming way) some boundaries. Male children need to be taught that women's bodies are not a free for all!
When I first started staying over with my dp his youngest was 10 & I told dp in no way would I be comfortable with him coming into our bed. He got plenty of mornings with dp when I wasn't there so on the mornings I was there dp made an effort to get up with dss, cook breakfast with him & spend some time with him before everyone else got up. Maybe your dp could start changing the morning routine to something like this? Cuddles can also happen on the sofa.

My dd was the same age & I just told her it was inappropriate for her to be in bed with dp & I as he wasn't her daddy (we've a very open relationship & she's always been very mature) but that we'd read stories & cuddle in my bed at nighttime before she goes to sleep instead. She loved this & at the age of 13 we still do this.
I should also add that my ex would have hit the roof if he's thought that dd was in bed with me & dp & tbh while his reaction (knowing him) would have been very over the top I would have understood it. Physical boundaries do not mean lack of physical affection - they just mean appropriate (& age appropriate) physical affection.

My kids never knew what breastfeeding was until their baby sister was born 7 weeks ago. I formula fed my older children. I know they are my kids and that might make it a little bit different, but no matter who the children are it’s better normalise breastfeeding.
Admittedly I felt quite awkward around sdd at first (she’s 13), but I have no problem breastfeeding in front of her now. She’s never been around anyone who’s breastfed a baby until now, so again, normalising it just makes it all the better.

Speak to your husband and ask him if he will talk to DS with you present.

I think you underestimate exactly how knackered you will feel in those first few weeks, that you will be bleeding heavily for anything up to three weeks and will be leaking milk and bloody hot in the last stages of pregnancy.

I absolutely understand the need and want for privacy especially in the first few weeks. You need time to sort a routine, establish feeding and try to adjust to a post pregnancy body where hormones are sky high and you will most likely feel sore and yucky.

So yes, put some boundaries in now. Most of us have boundaries with our children, some further away than others but no one really wants to wake up with leaked milk, possibly blood leak and feeling sore to find a child staring at you. I would find that very uncomfortable and I certainly wouldn't want a kid just jumping into bed while I was like that.

Not sure his mum would be entirely happy if he went home and mentioned seeing you half naked or asked about bodily fluids.

I don't see an issue with feeding in front of him. Would be a nice time to sit and talk to him while you are feeding.

What does your husband think about this anyway?

Been thinking about this thread today and 2 more points occurred to me. One is that DH has a half sister, who has stayed with us regularly since she was a few months old, she always cuddled up in bed and saw me bf both dcs, so not necessarily about blood ties. Second is that when I single I would sit on the end of my coupled up flatmates' double bed on a Saturday morning, I think it's just a nice cosy thing to do.

All I’m going to do is explain to dss that he can come through when we are ready (when I’ve stuck some pj bottoms on /got dressed or whatever) and we call good morning to him/leave door open rather than dss coming in when he decides to! Never mentioned stopping him coming in completely just thinking ahead I hadn’t even considered what @MycatsaPirate brings up, being exhausted, bloody, sore and milk leaking. I get heavy periods and it’s bad enough if dss comes through before I’ve had a chance to sort myself out and I then have to tell him to leave the room so I can “get dressed”.

Why not get creative with and him and design two enter/don't disturb enter signs for the door handle of yours and his bedroom ( like they have in hotels ) and tell him that you are all going to respect each other's right to have a lie in , but that when the sign is turned around it's cuddle time.

@tenredthings that’s a fantastic idea thank you!

It would be so much better if his dad just got up, rather than having to wait however long to get permission to join his dads new family.

Putting a do not disturb sign would be fucking awful.

Maybe get him a walkie talkie? You can get him to call you on it and ask if you are ready for him to join you. It will be new and fun and a 'grown up' thing for him. He can also use it when playing outside.

Agree that a do not disturb sign is a shit idea.

My children are allowed free rein at mine; not at their dads. They notice and comment on this. Just wear sleepwear if it bothers you. And let his dad snuggle him in next to him, not in the middle.

The breastfeeding is a non-event, feed when suits regardless of who is around. If you have an issue with that you deal with it, don't exclude your step-child or shoo him away.

I’m not excluding him or making him wait to join the “new family”, I’d be making him wait for me to sort myself out, I’m only after a bit of privacy. Is this not ok?
Having read everyone’s input I don’t think there’s anything wrong with explaining to him NOW (before we’ve even told anyone we’re pregnant) that rather than him coming in when he wants to, We will open the door and leave it open once I’ve got up and sorted myself out? Fast forward to when I’ll be quite far along I’ll be boiling hot at night and knowing me any pjs I wear will be pulled off while asleep, so I’ll want to locate the rejected garments to pull on. Fast forward to when I’ve given birth and I’ll want time to change my pad / cleaned myself up or whatever before dss comes in. Never had any intention of actually stopping him coming in

I wasn’t allowed to just wander in to my parents room as a child, I had to wait if I wanted to go in. Didn’t upset me and it taught me about respecting privacy. My dad worked crazy shift patterns so i respected his need for sleep and would go in when the door was open to sit on their bed and have a natter. Dad would then bring up cups of tea and biscuits to their bedroom.

And not everybody had the same experience. If your DSS has spent 9 years just bobbing into his mum or dads room for a cuddle then it's not fair for you to say eh no. It's your issue to deal with. Not his. The I'm too hot or too pregnant excuse is just that. An excuse. Wear shorts & a vest. Keeps him on his dads side of the bed. But don't exclude him until you 'have sorted yourself out'. He'll have zero interest in 2/3 years in jumping in beside his dad. If you put barriers in the way he won't come in. A shame for both of them.

Worst case is his dad intercepts and they both leave the room but even that is far from ideal. Why can't you just dress appropriately? How many days a week is this likely to be an issue?What was your norm is not this wee boys norm and it's unfair of you to decide your way is how it is. What does your partner say?

It doesn't matter one iota what you were and weren't allowed to do as a child. It matters what routine your husband and son have set up.

I'll ask again, why the fuck can't your husband just get up first from now on? Completely change the routine so it's a non issue.

No matter how you dress it up, it is dss having to wait to be admitted to the new family.

We will open the door and leave it open once I’ve got up and sorted myself out? Fast forward to when I’ll be quite far along I’ll be boiling hot at night and knowing me any pjs I wear will be pulled off while asleep, so I’ll want to locate the rejected garments to pull on. Fast forward to when I’ve given birth and I’ll want time to change my pad / cleaned myself up or whatever before dss comes in.

Are you planning on having a 2nd at some stage? In just trying to wrap my head around kids and all the privacy stuff and your need to do things in a strict controlled way. Try explaining to your 3yo who’s just had a nightmare or wants to come into bed that they must now go stand on the other side of the door while mummy locates thrown off clothes (as that’s what all pregnant women do????), puts them on, goes and changes her pad, maybe feeds new sibling then yells out ‘you can come in now’. Hilarious.

I don’t think non-parents actually realise that privacy doesn’t exist as a word anymore once kids arrive. Although on another thread there were a few posters who said they actually managed to go to the loo with the door shut. They were met with stunned silence and extreme jealousy so while possible stuff like that is rare.

Mine are older teens and young adults now. Honestly I still haven’t got privacy back as it was pre-children so guess it’s never going to happen until they move out one day. I certainly wouldn’t make any distinction between bio and step children in any of this though, that seems mean.

You might also want to get used to the idea of mandatory pj’s for certain occasions in the future like any sleep overs your DSS or bio kids may have at your house. If there was an emergency in the night (attempted break in, sick kid, accident etc) it’s best you can jump up and react straight away without having to make everyone wait while working through locating your stuff, putting it on, checking your toileting needs etc. Its just a very different mindset than pre-kids when you are your only consideration (I mean that about all of us in general, not directing it at you specifically).

It does sound like you're trying to push him out ready for your own baby to be born.
You could solve most of the problems by putting on some proper pjs when he's over. Don't make him feel embarrassed by being near your boobs. You can be a little more discreet when he's around whilst breastfeeding without making a huge deal of it.
The tone of your OP sounded a little mean toward your DSS- it will be tricky enough for him to see his dad with a new baby, this should be the time that you are trying to make him feel even more part of the fold. If he's not with you full time then you'll have plenty of time alone with your new baby.

Put some shorts on if you don’t want to wear pj’s. I have some £1.99 shorts from primary that I chuck on over if I’m wearing a short nightie to save my teenage son’s from throwing up at the sight of their mother. It’s not that hard to find some sort of suitable nightwear - you’ll have to have something other than underwear to take into Hospital.

And yes get dh to get up and go and have boys time with him downstairs so you can have some peace. They could get a really sweet, special routine goof which would help him not feel shut out.

Do not disturb sign is a terrible idea. What if he wakes feeling unwell? Mine would not know whether to obey the rules and throw up alone or ignore the sign.

Primary? Primark!!!!

Have a look at nspcc pants campaign, for younger children but good intro to boundaries and keeping safe.

My SD stopped entering our bedroom at 11 something, just like that, by herself. She's also a child who doesn't have boundaries with her parents.
As for my bio 10 y.o. I asked him several years ago to knock on the door if he wants to enter in case I'm not dressed and he respects it. Myself I knock on his door if I suspect that he might be changing.

As for breastfeeding, with a nursing top and the baby's head, people usually don't see much. I would just ask not to come close. That's what my DP does with his teenage son, he tells him that I need to nurse and/or he tells me when he's coming into the space where I'm starting to breastfeed so I put a blanket or turn away. Don't feel bad with all the comments criticizing you for not feeling comfortable showing your body. I also think that breastfeeding is the most normal thing, but I don't show my nipples or any big part of my breast to anybody, not even to SD or my own son who breastfeed until almost 3. There's a way to be discreet without having to hide in your bedroom (it's harder during first weeks when you and baby are still not used to it and I think it's totally fine to ask him to give you privacy and he doesn't need to feel excluded as it's known as a mom/baby activity).

'I know it’s perhaps ridiculous but if I had given birth to him I wouldn’t care really because I’d have made him in my own body'

I think this is more to do with boundaries, as he already has a mother, rather than which uterus he came out of. I have dsc and a ds that I didn't 'make' with my own body. We had (dsc are older now) different boundaries simply because dsc already had a mamma. The giving birth part doesn't make a difference.

I would wear nightclothes and reinforce the knocking and invite rule. It won't be long until he wants to stop coming for cuddles. Make the most of it!