How to ask dss (10) for privacy ahead of new baby

[Yabbadabbadoooo]

Long time lurker first time asker.
My dss is 10, and I’ve been in his life since he was 6. Historically he would come flying into our bedroom every morning when he’s here for contact, and when he was younger I didn’t mind, he was only small. As he got older I got more uncomfortable with it, as he climbed into bed with us and lay between us (we have a great relationship and I love him to bits...BUT I sleep in my undies and a t shirt. I’m his stepmum so I feel it’s inappropriate as he gets older especially as I didn’t give birth to him. I also don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable because of my choice of sleepwear so I try to wiggle away and sneak pj bottoms on). So when he was 9 I asked him to start knocking in case I was sleeping with my bum hanging out of bed (appealing to his love of toilet humour). He sort of knocks but to be honest it’s more of a opening and knocking simultaneously.
Anyhoo me and DH have been ttc (we broached the subject of dss having a little brother or sister as a possibility when we married and he was excited). I’m now pregnant though it’s very early days. I would like to ask DSS to not come through to us every morning, NOW, so he doesn’t associate this with the new baby. That way when we start sharing news of the pregnancy a few months down the line he hopefully won’t feel pushed out by impending arrival. As I get bigger and heavier I will want more privacy and chances are I’ll want to fling the sheets off when hot etc and when baby arrives I will want privacy In bed to breastfeed. I feel like sorting this out now and just explaining it as I want privacy in the mornings to get dressed and stuff is better, and that when I’m sorted I’ll open the bedroom door and he’s welcome to come through. I have also noticed when he snuggles up to me when watching tv he sort of touches my breasts and I mentioned it to DH but genuinely don’t know if he’s unaware he’s doing it or if he’s being inappropriate without realising as he is getting to tween age. So as I am not the woman who gave birth to him and don’t have that biological connection I want to establish some kind of boundary now really. Is what I’ve suggested ok?? I have also told dss he’s more than welcome to go down on his own and watch his cartoons on tv if he’s up and about before us but he doesn’t do this (when I was his age having the tv to myself of a morning was glorious). Really want to strike a healthy balance between decent privacy for me and establishing bond between dss and his sibling so any experience /advice much appreciated.

Putting a do not disturb sign would be fucking awful.

^ this. And whether that sign is physical or virtual is irrelevant.

Asking a child to stand outside a door from the rest of his family waiting is unkind, even a minute or two is enough to get that point home he is 2nd class. Wear shorts and turn the heating down, get a lighter duvet or tell your dh to get up with his child that you want to exclude. You or your dh need to adjust to kept him feeling included.

Regarding cuddles, how about he gets in bed on your dh's side? Then baby goes in the middle so it doesn't fall out.

I don't understand when he is coming into the room. Before 8 is too early he is ten and can entertain himself like most kids. It's good for kids to do this as they develop independence. Then whoever is up, you or your dp, depending on who is on lay in privilege gets up. If you three are all in the room as awake then of course he should come in. I can't sleep in clothes but sdcs and dcs know that and know that they should knock (on anyone's room basic manners) but if they don't because of a nightmare, neediness etc expect to see bits of me they'd rather not! Tbh it takes a couple seconds to whack on my t shirt and pants and easy enough under the covers.
Also I think it depends on parenting. I don't agree with keep out signs but the pp who were slamming your expectation for privacy, that's how they like to do it. I certainly don't. Yeah when my kids were 3 I didn't ask them to wait when in need but by about 5 they are certainly capable of doing that sometimes, some kids more capable than others. Some people have naked houses, baths with their kids, some thjnk it's outrageous. Horses for courses. I would find it very rude if anyone didn't knock before coming in when old enough to know manners. 3 year old not so much ten year old definitely!
Just take it as you find it. If you have a problem with the early morning snuggles now then tell him now. If you're not bothered cross the bridge when you come to it. Personally I found it much easier with dc 2 onwards as they baby wasn't relying solely on me. I got more sleep as they would entertain the baby or keep me sane with some conversation other than crying.
You'll be fine do what you thjnk is best but just explain and be truthful. I have found its only when you're being someone you're not or giving an untruthful reason that makes kids feel uneasy

It does sound like you're trying to push him out ready for your own baby to be born.

Very much this

Yabba I have the same issue with my bio kids (9&12) so lets look at it this way, take pregnancy out of the equation and forget the steps for a minute. A child needs to know boundaries and he needs to respect privacy, very soon he will want the same, you need to get his dad to tell him, the new rule is to knock and wait. That as he's a grown up boy now, he needs to understand that others, especially of different genders require privacy. Im sure at this age he is no longer changing for p.e with the girls so he should have some thoughts on this. I'd say its also worth his father giving him 'the talk' soon, rather than the basic info he will learn at school.
From puberty to childbirth to bottle or breastfeeding choices...he needs to cover all bases so their are no mysteries.
By the time you announce your good news he will put two and two together and realise what may be going on behing your closed door.
When baby is born he can be gently reminded of the knock and wait so yabba can make herself decent 'rule'.

The aim is to give him the info and hope he gets squeamish about it basically haha
It was enough to make my 12yo think twice about bursting in...still working on the 9yo who knocks as she opens the door (even though we've already had an embarrasing 3am situation)

He should also be given some small tasks (make basic lunch, cup of tea, help with basic chores to assist you Yabba, most children love knowing how grown up and helpful they are!
By giving him plenty of praise and rewards. It should encourage a sense of maturity which will in turn encourage independence and as a bonus, help strengthen your bond before baby arrives, I'm sure he will not feel as pushed out as PP seem to think.

x

It’s the right age for him to be getting more independent, however because he’s been allowed to be so close for so long, and you are going to have a baby, I’d get DH to get up and snuggle with him with the TV. Otherwise he might well feel left out, baby = less special time.

I don’t think he would be uncomfortable with you breast feeding. He may be curious.
Anyway the discomfort will go quickly because newborns feed all the time, which is anotheraspn why you can’t go upstairs , you’d be there all the time.
Also the bed thing in the mornings , the problem would be solved if you wore a nightie.
I’d be very wary of pushing him out at this stage, even doing it strategically before the baby is born.
My kids are 12 and 14 and still want to cuddle up in bed, why not? The world is a tricky place for young people atm , they need all the security and warmth we can give them.

Mumsnet really is a parallel universe sometimes...

OP, I did tell my stepson, he's 7, that he has to wait before coming into our bedroom, until he's called in. My five and four year olds do the same. I would like my stepson to have done this earlier on, but he was used to being able to run into his mums room whenever he wanted, and our relationship was fragile so went a bit slower. Our relationship survived just fine and he now waits until he is called in, and gets the snuggles he is looking for from his dad.

It is absolutely fine that you want some privacy in the morning. It might not be how other people parent, but I don't see there's anything wrong with teaching children to respect private spaces, and yes, I respect their space too.

Just not sure why it's so horrific to some posters here that OP wants to maintain some sort of dignity and privacy in the morning, the OP would not be getting the same level of negative responses if she was referring to her own son.

My step daughter is 7, and I met her just as she turned 3 and my husband and his mother (he still lived with her -young parent) both allowed step daughter in bed with them because she wakes so early and they wanted an extra hour or so in bed.

As we got our own place - she was 5 I believe - I stopped this , there are boundaries as a step parent, as well as I think it’s important to teach independence, as well as prepare them for school. If she got to 10 stating she was getting in bed with parents - I know back when I was at school I would have had the mick taken out of me.

Anyway, it’s fine , she still comes in our room - she is still an early riser but we have sorted this with a grow clock. I too am trying to teach her she can play on her own for a bit till we wake - we live in a flat so go in living room and turn tv on , it is frustrating that this takes so long to teach but she is playing in her room now , but won’t venture ! Very nervous child.

I have to say I’ve never minded her walking in- I am 9 months pregnant and due to have her brother any day now - and she’s just started coming in and waking her dad rather than me (still wake up to someone being in the room 😆) . I don’t know if subconsciously she’s aware I’ve needed rest. Bless her heart.

But I too have been thinking about what about when the babies here - and I completely understand when you say you want to knock it on the head now before babies here so he doesn’t feel like it’s about the baby..... but I honestly don’t think I could judge what it will be like until babies here. If her coming in disturbs the baby and it’s waking hourly in night to feed for example then we will have to figure something out ....but I just think don’t let it stress you now , tackle one part at a time .... either the getting in bed or the knocking door , but your partner really needs to enforce these as his dad ! Good luck !

And all the people saying simply wear pjs .... I honestly can not think of anything worse than pjs at 9 months pregnant and it’s autumn ... uncomfortable enough as it is . Im wearing sports bras and knickers.
But my answer is I have my dressing gown on the floor by my bed - and when I get up to my step daughter I just put it on ! She gets a 2 second glance of me in my pregnant whale glory.

Oh and I forgot to mention - when I was stopping the “getting in bed with us” part .... my way of doing this was to get up when step daughter came in and suggest we go to the living room to watch some tv.
Take a blanket and you can still chill or even snooze while they watch rubbish . I never outright said no !! Don’t get in this bed .....
and now it’s become normal , we tackled the bed sharing .... and then tackled the fact she was coming in at 5 and I was jumping out of bed to go watch cartoons 😆 with the grow clock- which we set to half 6 or 7 as feel that’s reasonable !!
I’d kiss the persons feet who invented that clock!

Hey OP. Just wanted to say, I think you sound like a nice person and not an evil stepmom at all. It sounds like the difference is in what you were used to at your dss’s age and what he is used to. I was brought up like your dss (morning cuddles/ chats etc) and my mum had another baby when I was the same age as your dss. To me, it would have felt like I was being pushed out if I’d not been allowed in but having said that we did have to respect the baby’s sleep!!
Congrats on your pregnancy and good luck!

The child is nearly 11. I started secondary school aged 11. It is not unreasonable to expect a child who is not a kick in the arse off secondary age to understand others need for privacy, especially others who are unrelated and female. He cannot be cosseted at others expense forever and you have a right to sleep in whatever way you feel comfortable. Easy does it though, and I think you are wise to make the shift now while the new baby is “forever” (in child time lol) away.