Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

DP left me because I 'hate' his children

88 replies

Atleastihavethecat · 12/11/2018 14:34

Name changed.

DP and I had been together for a few years now, but due to issues with his ex I only met his kids at the beginning of this year. He has been very involved with mine.

The issues with his ex have been getting so bad that his solicitor is saying we need to seriously consider applying for residency as she's damaging the children. The judge has been saying that things need to change drastically or the court will make decisions for her.

We've been talking about it and I said I'm not there yet. He's had years to build a relationship with my kids. I've had one. His kids are also much younger than mine.

So today he's left me because I apparently hate them. I can't tell if this is because I wasn't on board with the idea straight away. Or because I actually agree that they do need to be removed from the ex, I just need to be 1000% that I want the responsibility.

I'm not saying that I don't feel some sort of emotional bond to them. I play with them, I never make differences between the two sets of kids when I'm buying clothes or toys or for Christmas.

I'm not sure what else I can do or could have done. I'm so upset.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 12/11/2018 15:00

I can see his point. His children are at risk with his ex, but you don't want them living with you at this point. He's in a rather impossible situation. If he wants to take his kids out of danger he has to move out and become a single dad, so that's what he's doing.

I'm not sure what else I can do or could have done

You could have tried taking them in and seeing how it worked out. Are they special needs or creatures from hell or something?

lunar1 · 12/11/2018 15:03

He's done what he has to for his children, any decent man would do the same. It doesn't sounds like he feels he has the time to wait till you are ready.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 12/11/2018 15:06

It sounds as though he has made the right decision. It's understandable that you may not feel that you want the responsibility. But he doesn't have that choice - he already HAS that responsibility. He's their Dad. The kids are at risk now. Today. He doesn't have the luxury of sitting and waiting while you decide whether you are happy for him to be a proper dad to them.

So, all credit to him for putting his kids first. I'm sorry that's come at the expense of your relationship, but surely you understand that there is no other decision you could ever reasonably have expected him to make?

And, please - a plea to all the women out there who get involved with dads. If they have kids, you have to understand that those kids have to be his priority. They may not live full time with him when you meet him. But one day, they could. And no dad worth the title will ever turn his back on them. So, please - think about that BEFORE you live with / marry / get serious with someone. If you aren't willing to have that happen in your lives some day, do him and his kids a favour and walk away right at the start.

LonginesPrime · 12/11/2018 15:07

If the children are being damaged then he doesn't really have a choice but to take them in, does he?

If you're not 'there' yet, then he obviously has to choose between you and the children - he clearly is 'there' so it's a no-brainer from his perspective.

Thesearmsofmine · 12/11/2018 15:08

He needs to apply for residency for his children but you aren’t sure if you want that(fair enough). Of course he has to put his children first and leave.

Original poster
Atleastihavethecat · 12/11/2018 15:09

To clarify, they aren't in physical danger.

They do have sn, but it isn't relevant. One of mine has sn.

Legally, I don't feel he's at the point where an application would be granted yet. And neither does he. He's in two minds himself as it is, or should be, a very serious thing to take children away from their mother.

OP posts:
negomi90 · 12/11/2018 15:11

His kids are indanger now.
You want to wait? For what? What if you say no? You say no then he either stays with you at the cost of his kids or he leaves you and is in the position he's now, but with kids more damaged then they currently are.
For him, there's no decision. He needs to keep his kids safe. Either you're willing to try or not, but he needs to put them first now.
I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. There's nothing wrong with you not being able to take on full time young children. But you can't have him and not the kids.
For him its not about you and it shouldn't be about you right now.
He does what he needs to do, you think about what you want and your realistic options while he looks after his kids.

BastardGoDarkly · 12/11/2018 15:12

If the courts are taking this seriously, then there can't be much room for 'in two minds surely?

Poor kids.

RCohle · 12/11/2018 15:15

His priority absolutely needs to be kids.

If he believes it is in his children's bests interests for him to apply for residency, you must know that your feelings about that absolutely shouldn't be a consideration.

It sounds like everyone's just waiting around for things to deteriorate sufficiently before they step in. Why shouldn't he be proactive in ensuring his children's wellbeing? You yourself have said you think they should be removed from their mother.

Frustratedmum78 · 12/11/2018 15:16

He’s made the right decision. If it were the other way around, what would you do?

Original poster
Atleastihavethecat · 12/11/2018 15:17

The court certainly seems to be starting to take it seriously. It's not physical danger, it's parental alienation and something else. His ex can't let the children out of her sight. They attend the same school, and she sits in a car park around the corner. Contact is often cancelled.

He wants to believe she'll start being reasonable. Starting these proceedings is absolutely the last resort, but as the solicitor said it needs to be considered.

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 12/11/2018 15:27

If it's something that needs doing and you are a committed blended family then the answer could only be "yep, bring it on".

If you're not ready that is totally fine and your prerogative, you have your own children and well-being to put first after all, but he really didn't have an option. Waiting to see how you felt about them. further down the line would be putting his own. children second to you wouldn't it?

Perhaps the fact that you were not sure shows that it's wasn't quite the right fit and it was best to end it.

Notthatsimple · 12/11/2018 15:28

If the positions were reversed and an OP was saying “my DP isn’t sure they want my kids to live with us full time” I think they’d have lots of encouragement to leave their DP.

I’m Sorry you’re upset, but if you and your DP, after a few years, aren’t sharing exactly the same goals and wants for the future then it’s probably the right thing for you both to start over and find people you can share the same goals with Flowers

Sirzy · 12/11/2018 15:31

Children always come first. If your not in a position to support him through that then he is right to leave.

Original poster
Atleastihavethecat · 12/11/2018 15:33

Perhaps you're right. My thinking was that I would if the court ordered it, but that we would need to be much more sure if we were going looking for residency. It's not a sure thing, and I thought a failed attempt would only serve to make things worse for everyone.

I am upset. I had much less time to work on a relationship with his kids and in much different circumstances. But at least I have the cat.

OP posts:
FixItUpChappie · 12/11/2018 15:40

He has the legal and moral obligation to prioritize his children's emotional and physical wellness. Surely you must know this? Why should his children put up with any quality of life issues because your not ready.

TeddyIsaHe · 12/11/2018 15:40

At least you have the cat? I think that speaks volumes about your relationship in itself tbh. That getting the cat is more important to you than making sure his kids are safe and well?

The fact that he’s choosing his kids wellbeing means he’s a good person, and I totally agree that he’s done the right thing here. Would you put your own children’s safety (emotional or physical) to one side to wait and see?

AutumnCrow · 12/11/2018 15:58

I think the OP is trying to be self-deprecating with cat comment.

Her partner's just left her (and his step-children).

It sounds immensely complicated. His children's mum sound quite unwell, and needs help. Sharing 'custody' (living arrangements) of the children would actually help her, so isn't the way forward to seek a court order for 50:50 and work to enforce it?

SpottingTheZebras · 12/11/2018 16:07

I don’t see that he had any choice. These are his children and he has to prioritise them. Any decent father would do the same thing.

ghostsandghoulies · 12/11/2018 16:08

I think that you're very reasonable not to instantly jump at the chance of being a resident parent. You have children who will also be affected by your decision.

I think that your OH is also reasonable to leave you as you're not ready. He is very unreasonable to phrase it as you "hating" the kids though.

You're not unreasonable to be upset.

AutumnCrow · 12/11/2018 16:15

But the OP' partner hasn't walked out to go collect his children and start a new life.

Where has he gone?

His children are still with their mother. If he does have contact with his children, where will it be?

The OP is now without her partner, and her own children without their step-father of some years.

He used language like 'hating' - not mature, not helpful.

hamabr86 · 12/11/2018 16:29

Is this something that has recently been sprung on you OP? It's a very different beast living with someone who has limited access to their children to effectively becoming their resident parent (because lets face it OP would more than likely have ended up doing the larger proportion of the work). I don't think YABU to want to think about it for more than a minute.

AdoraDreams · 12/11/2018 16:37

He shouldn't have assumed you "hate" his kids, but honestly he made a decision for those children. Residency isn't a decision to make together as a team, he had to decide what's best for his kids - and if you are saying you aren't sure you want his kids (which is what it will have sounded like to him) when he has fully and wholly accepted yours into your shared living space, he has every right to be pissed off, and to leave.

AutumnCrow · 12/11/2018 16:54

I doubt he's gone far, tbh.

TooSassy · 12/11/2018 17:14
  1. Parental Alienation is incredibly serious and although they may not be in physical danger, they are at risk of severe emotional and psychological damage.
  2. He's left? So what, were you living together and has he moved out? As in taken his stuff and gone? Or is this an argument over a very emotive topic? Do your kids know what has happened?
  3. You need to come up to speed on the legalities - a court will not necessarily 'order' anything unless the children are a result of care proceedings. So in essence, unless child services flagged something. What your Dp's solicitor is saying is that if your DP files a change of residency order, it is something the court will look at (especially if he has grounds, but you are right, it is not something that can be taken lightly). It is a huge move to remove children from their primary carer, but if contact continues to be frustrated with no grounds, they will get involved and start making decisions.

Listen, I think you have every right to have reservations. Its a huge responsibility and would fundamentally change your life, the lives of your DC. If you're not ready, you have done the right thing to be honest. I don't think anyone can vilify you for that.

But equally, he has to put the needs of his DC first. And if they are being manipulated, contact continues to be cancelled, your DP's risks losing all contact with his kids. Have you read up on parental alienation? It is insidious and incredibly damaging with children actively telling professionals they no longer want to see mummy/ daddy. Because they have been taught to echo the narrative of their primary carer.

So in your DP's shoes, I would leave any partner in a heartbeat if they did not support me in making sure my kids were ok. And I would put my kids first.