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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DP left me because I 'hate' his children

88 replies

Atleastihavethecat · 12/11/2018 14:34

Name changed.

DP and I had been together for a few years now, but due to issues with his ex I only met his kids at the beginning of this year. He has been very involved with mine.

The issues with his ex have been getting so bad that his solicitor is saying we need to seriously consider applying for residency as she's damaging the children. The judge has been saying that things need to change drastically or the court will make decisions for her.

We've been talking about it and I said I'm not there yet. He's had years to build a relationship with my kids. I've had one. His kids are also much younger than mine.

So today he's left me because I apparently hate them. I can't tell if this is because I wasn't on board with the idea straight away. Or because I actually agree that they do need to be removed from the ex, I just need to be 1000% that I want the responsibility.

I'm not saying that I don't feel some sort of emotional bond to them. I play with them, I never make differences between the two sets of kids when I'm buying clothes or toys or for Christmas.

I'm not sure what else I can do or could have done. I'm so upset.

OP posts:

newroundhere · 13/11/2018 07:32

As PP have said - it's reasonable for you both to put your own children first.

It's completely unresonable for him to walk out telling you that you hate his kids unless there's some massive backstory that we don't know about. That doesn't make any sense and also doesn't suggest the sort of stability and balance I guess you would need to demonstrate when it comes to child residency?

Hope you and your DC are doing OK OP. Must be really hard for them too

SandyY2K · 13/11/2018 07:47

@Coyoacan

You were honest and I think did the right thing for you and your DC

Bringing two more children permanently into your family is not an overnight decision

I'm not sure if you misunderstood me... my comment above in bold was in support of the OPs decision.

GeorgeTheHippo · 13/11/2018 07:52

The solicitor and/or court talking about moving the residence of the children does not mean that it is imminent. They are trying to get mum to take the court orders seriously so that the contact that has been ordered can take place. Usually only if it doesn't will the court order a move for the children.

Tigger001 · 13/11/2018 08:00

He has completely done the right thing if he is thinking if going for residency fir the sake of his children's wellbeing, and you are not on board with that, then yes he needs to go and find a place where he can have his kids and do what's best for them.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2018 08:02

I think you've both done the right thing. Sometimes relationships can't work out due to thIngs like this.

For all your justification the reality is right now you don't want these kids.you know this, he knows this, and you don't need to justify it, it's fine you don't.

But they are his children and he needs to do his best to protect them, and if that means setting himself up in a way where he can show he could care for them, then that's what he shoild do.

Iwantplaits · 13/11/2018 08:10

I think he had to put his children first and because you were unsure, this is the outcome. Sad but best for the children.
Could you not date each other again and get to know the children and see how things go?

VenusInSpurs · 13/11/2018 08:11

“Are they special needs or creatures from hell or something?” Wince, MisConduct.

OP: the thing is your DP has taken on living with you with you having residency of YOUR kids, and lives with them through thick and thin. Not just the toy-buying and fun baking days but the strops, nori-virus and homework battle days.

Fair enough to support him by talking through calmly the approach to best protecting his kids.

But the minute your own reservations about having them live with you became part of your discussion, you gave him little choice.

Did you say something unintentionally tactless or that was misconstrued? It seems a mad panicked action to move somewhere where his contact is made even harder....

VenusInSpurs · 13/11/2018 08:15

“ Step kids are a massive strain on a relationship”

The resident parents on MN never se to view their own kids as those pesky step kids to anyone else.

The OP’s DP seems to have coped with having step kids.

SandyY2K · 13/11/2018 09:00

He accepted your DC, he probably just assumes you’d accept his.

He moved into their house, so it's really not the same.

He started the relationship knowing the OP lived with her DC.

The two aren't comparable.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2018 10:21

The two aren't comparable

Sure, he agreed to take on her kids by way of moving in. She's not willing to do thr same for him, so he has had to move out. Likely he's hurt becaus what he did for her, she will not do for him.

But either way step kids being a strain is the same on both sides.

Neither is wrong, but the op should be able to understand why he may be upset about it and have to put his kids first.

Magda72 · 13/11/2018 10:58

@Bluntness100 - there's no way of knowing if his moving in was a 'favour' to op! Maybe he did very well for himself out of moving into HER house!
I agree with @SandyY2K - the situations aren't comparable. My dp lives with me & my 2 kids when they're not at their dads. He travels to see his most of the time. This is not ideal but geographics, logistics & an extremely contentious ex have made it so. As a result my relationship with his kids is vastly different to the one he has with mine. If we were to split my kids would really miss him, his kids wouldn't even notice.
Dp is wise enough to know that if his kids had to come live with us for whatever reason the impact on my kids would be huge. Dp himself brought this up not me, & has said that if it ever came to that he'd buy a place close to me so we could still see each other regularly but that there's no way he'd expect me to live full time with his kids after years of difficulty, unless my kids and I were 100% on board.
This doesn't mean one set of kids is 'less' than the other - it just means that the circumstances have dictated differences between my situation & his.

SandyY2K · 13/11/2018 11:04

@Magda72

the situations aren't comparable

I feel like I'm being misunderstood today. The situations aren't comparable. That's the point I made...but you've written it as though you disagree with me...but you're saying exactly what I'm saying.

I'm by no means saying any set of children are more important than the others.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2018 12:27

@Bluntness100 - there's no way of knowing if his moving in was a 'favour' to op

Honestly I've re read my posts and I cannot see where I said he was doing her a "favour". I would agree he was not. Can you copy paste where I stated this? Or do you have me confused with another poster?

Magda72 · 13/11/2018 13:02

Hi @SandyY2K - no I fully agree with you & didn't think for one minute you were suggesting that either set of kids was more important than the other. Mentioned that in respect to my own situation.
Apologies for unclear post or cross wires!

Magda72 · 13/11/2018 13:09

@Bluntness100 I never said you used the word favour. I didn't use double quotation marks but rather a single one to reference my own interpretation of the situation.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2018 13:48

Eh ok, well your interpretation was erroneous

3pearsWarrior · 13/11/2018 13:49

"Are they special needs or creatures from hell or something" That is really offensive MissConductUS

Magda72 · 13/11/2018 13:52

If it's MY interpretation of the OP's situation then it's only wrong if op corrects me - not you @Bluntness100. We're all entitled to form our own opinions!

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2018 14:02

Ok Magda, you've totally lost me, why the hell are you tagging me in posts then and acting like you're quoting me. I'm not the op.

Stop tagging me, I get emails when you do. If your comment on not doing thr op a favour is intended for the op then don't tag me.

Coyoacan · 13/11/2018 15:07

SandyY2K

I was totally agreeing with you.

SandyY2K · 13/11/2018 15:36

@Magda72

I have to agree with Bluntness here. By inserting her name (and mine) the way you did...it seems like you're attributing those comments to us.

You did clarify in reference to me...but I do see what Blunt means.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 13/11/2018 18:53

I think people say extreme things in anger, I think he knows you don’t hate them?

If it’s better that he has the children more or full time then he has to do that. Why don’t you say to him that you will support him but that if you are not ready - that you totally understand if you both need to live separately?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 13/11/2018 18:56

Dp is wise enough to know that if his kids had to come live with us for whatever reason the impact on my kids would be huge. Dp himself brought this up not me, & has said that if it ever came to that he'd buy a place close to me so we could still see each other regularly but that there's no way he'd expect me to live full time with his kids after years of difficulty, unless my kids and I were 100% on board.

Sounds like a sensible way through a difficult situation and still keeping a relationship going. Could this be a possibility OP?

cushioncuddle · 13/11/2018 19:01

When you enter a relationship with someone who has kids and you live with them , you do so thinking that they could live with you too. They come as a package not something to consider if you want it later on !!!!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 13/11/2018 19:01

Magda bought up some really good points. Relationships can be much trickier on one side of the step equation than the other, and luckily her DP seems to understand that.

It’s a serious business, combing families. It can go badly wrong. Better to see pitfalls first and frankly discuss them.

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