DP left me because I 'hate' his children

[Atleastihavethecat]

Name changed.

DP and I had been together for a few years now, but due to issues with his ex I only met his kids at the beginning of this year. He has been very involved with mine.

The issues with his ex have been getting so bad that his solicitor is saying we need to seriously consider applying for residency as she's damaging the children. The judge has been saying that things need to change drastically or the court will make decisions for her.

We've been talking about it and I said I'm not there yet. He's had years to build a relationship with my kids. I've had one. His kids are also much younger than mine.

So today he's left me because I apparently hate them. I can't tell if this is because I wasn't on board with the idea straight away. Or because I actually agree that they do need to be removed from the ex, I just need to be 1000% that I want the responsibility.

I'm not saying that I don't feel some sort of emotional bond to them. I play with them, I never make differences between the two sets of kids when I'm buying clothes or toys or for Christmas.

I'm not sure what else I can do or could have done. I'm so upset.

I will just add, if you're not ready, you're not ready.
But as a PP has already said, if you date a parent, be prepared that one day, those kids could be in your lives FT. I have 60%/ 40% custody with my ExH and (heaven forbid) but if anything happened to him, they would be my sole responsibility.
How would I feel if my DP then said 'he wasn't sure about how he felt about taking that on?'. I'd say, I'm sorry you feel that way but I have no choice, I have to step up. Please leave me to it. Because that is the reality. The fact that you're surprised that this is his response surprises me more. What did you expect him to do? Pick you over his kids?

Do you and DP live together? Who's house is it?

And how many children on each side?

Do you both live together? Do you have to?
Is it an option for him to have his own place with his children and then "date" all over again but with his children more present and involved?

That's a good idea, in my (personal) experience, StormTreader . Separate homes, but close by.

We live together. It's my house. Two kids each. He's gone to his mother's. I imagine his contact will have to take place in play areas, cinemas, etc. It can't happen in his mother's for a number of reasons.

We spoke to the solicitor towards the end of last week. This was when we talked about changing the application for residency. The solicitor made it clear it's an option, but at this point there's no way to guess how it would go. Essentially, she hasn't done 'enough' for the solicitor to be more confident than not that an application would be successful. Even if an application had been filed there and then my understanding was that it would be a long process involving various agencies.

Regardless, while I am happy to hold some responsibility for them when they're in my home, I haven't had very long to form relationships with them. I'm not sure that I'm ready to have that forced on me and my kids seven days a week. I also wouldn't want to submit an application and have it fail. She has previously moved over an hour away without telling DP. She also stopped contact, and was very difficult to find.

Also, DP currently doesn't have overnight contact, despite the court order. So, in my mind, it would be a much greater change, and would need to be done very carefully, with 100% commitment from everyone. And it would need to be successful on the first attempt.

However, as you say, he needs to put his kids first.

Hi @Atleastihavethecat - it's hard to advise without knowing if your dp was or wasn't living with you.
If he wasn't living with you then I can't see why you would have to split up as surely he could take his dc to live with him.
If you are living together then that's a different story.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think it's very difficult to go from having limited access to sdc to having them full time & you were right to be cautious. However they are your dp's dc so he will have to decide how much risk is enough to take them from their mother which is a very serious thing.
My dp is in a somewhat similar situation & has too been advised to 'take' his kids from his exw (they are teens). I have very mixed feelings about this approach as a lot of the problems between him and his exw are caused by different attitudes to school, life, money, hobbies etc. & who's to say who's right & who's wrong? I personally think taking kids away from their mother can potentially cause more problems than solve any.
Parental alienation & psychological abuse are very hard to prove & I can't see any court awarding your (ex)dp full custody based on the opinion of HIS solicitor. As a pp suggested shared custody would be best & it would have given you a chance to build a better relationship with his dc.

He doesn't sound like he's putting his children first.

Where are they supposed to live, if he's left you? In a box?

I bet he comes back and expects you to do the lion's share of parenting, housing, admin, financing. I'm not surprised you expressed reservations.

Thanks for the clarification OP.

I'm curious. What is it your DC know about what has happened? And I ask this because whilst the focus of this post is his DC, he has also been involved (based on your OP) with yours. Has he just upped and left without any thought as to the impact that will have on your children?
Or is that being handled with more delicacy?

Re the contact breaches. Has your DP gone to court to report the breaches and enforce the existing contact order? That is where he should start IMO.

A change of residency is a long, involved process which will include the DC being interviewed (depending on how old they are). It is an incredibly stressful process. And parental alienation is very difficult to prove, agencies like CAFCASS are only just coming up to speed on it. The challenge is if the children (in all other respects) are well cared for and have secure attachments to their primary carer, removing them is a very difficult decision for any court/ care agency to make. They need to believe that the harm (chance of harm) that could happen/ is happening will be greater than the emotional upheaval of removing children from their primary carer. Not easy.

Cross posted with you op. Just to add - any hope he has of gaining full residency will be severely compromised by him not having a home. Is he in a position to buy or rent for himself. Having read your last post the cynic in me is wondering if he's stormed off in a huff & will be back hoping you'll relent

My DC don't 'know' anything but they're nearly teenaged so probably suspect a lot, tbh.

The solicitor is working on an enforcement order, but there's a long enough waiting list in our local court, and his ex usually changes solicitor to draw things out further.

They are clean, fed and have fair attendance at school. The school do have some reservations in terms of their behaviour - conflicted feelings about mummy and daddy- and they are perplexed by the ex staying in a car park nearby all-day every day.

My feeling is that trying for residency is almost a one shot deal, as in it would need to be done right the first time, or she would move, and he may never find/see them again. Also, this wouldn't be a temporary measure, it would be with the intention retaining residency permanently. I didn't think it was a decision to make on the basis of emotion, iykwim?

I didn't see this as a me or them question, although I can accept that he clearly felt that that was how I was phrasing it. I just wanted to try and do what was best for all four kids.

Me too, Magda. This is hugely impractical behaviour from the 'D'P. And possibly manipulative.

TooSassy speaks a lot of sense.

You have both made the right decision. You put your children first and he has put his. This is as it should be.

they are perplexed by the ex staying in a car park nearby all-day every day

As I said earlier, she sounds very unwell.

So he's sofa surfing, she spends all day sitting in a car park.

If he is simply having a huff, then I still don't know where we go from there. I can't change how I feel about the situation. I don't know what I could have done differently. I couldn't speed up how fast relationships form.

I bought for them when I was buying for my own. I bought food I knew they'd like. I bought toys so they'd have ones at our house. I bought them clothes, shoes, books. I spent time with them baking, cooking and reading. I'll admit that these things did not come naturally to me at the beginning, but I just thought it was something that would come with time.

It's only been a few years. Detatch. He and his Ex will invade your life even more, and fuck up your relationship with your own children.

Embrace the freedom to put YOUR children first. If they're nearly teenagers, then they really need you; not all this bloody drama.

Your bloke has his mum's sofa / spare room, and his own battles to fight.

There's nothing wrong with stepping back. This isn't a fairy tale. It's your children's lives.

**It's only been a few years. Detatch. He and his Ex will invade your life even more, and fuck up your relationship with your own children.

Embrace the freedom to put YOUR children first. If they're nearly teenagers, then they really need you; not all this bloody drama.

Your bloke has his mum's sofa / spare room, and his own battles to fight.

There's nothing wrong with stepping back. This isn't a fairy tale. It's your children's lives.**

I think this pretty much sums it up!

1. if he has been living there and he has suddenly gone then yes the DC will know something is amiss. That behaviour more than anything worries me a great deal. Your children will also be attached to him and a mature adult doesn’t just ‘leave’ over an emotive convo that hasn’t gone their way.
2. change of residency is not a one shot deal. But you would need strong grounds and if you haven’t even enforced the existing court order, that needs to happen pronto.
3. I presume your DP has shared parental responsibility? If she chose to uproot the DC without his permission that could cause real problems. A relocation should be agreed with both parents who have PR and the parent seeking to move needs to have grounds to clearly display how a move would be in the best interests of the children. If that is a concern then it is all the more reason to enforce overnights and establish contact ASAP. Because right now, it sounds as though the DP’s involvement is severely limited.

Listen. It sounds like a difficult situation. But in your shoes I’d be mighty annoyed by someone who my Dc were attached to just walking out.

He will be back. I’d put money on it.

You were honest and I think did the right thing for you and your DC. I doubt they'd want little kids forced on them like this.

Your Ex has done what he needs to do. You'd have probably ended up doing a lot of work with them...you're DC are more self sufficient.

Tbh i get your reservations and concerns. It is a big responsibility, so i can see where youre coming from. I have dated men with children, i have a son myself, and while i understand and expect to come 2nd to their children it is hard to imagine them becoming your responsibility 24/7. Especially when you havent had the chance to build a stable relationship with them.
But you need to remember that the effect of mental abuse is just as serious as physical danger, maybe not immediately but definately in the future, so your dp is doing the only thing he can do.
I personally think that even if you were 'there' now him leaving is probably still the best scenario for the kids, yours aswell.
His kids are going to need alot of care and attention. He needs to carve out a stable and robust routine for them. He needs to provide a loving safe home for them and develop a new routine and i think right now they will need alot of love and attention from their daddy to adapt successfully to the changes they will experience. I think whatever the situation or your thoughts about it, his priority and full focus needs to be those children for the forseeable.

It sounds like your situations are incompatible. He needs to prioritise his kids now, and you need more time before you want those responsibilities.

You were honest and I think did the right thing for you and your DC

Bringing two more children permanently into your family is not an overnight decision.

Yes it is a big decision and one I would have to give a lot of thought to, although in all honesty I would have thought about it before getting into a relationship with a man with children as I would always have assumed that could be on the cards one day.

But whilst it is a big decision for you, he has totally been reasonable and put his children before you, just as I am sure you would if he had decided they needed to go and reside elsewhere if the two of you were to get together. I really don't know how you could expect anything else.

I would assume he has gone to his mums for the short term, until he finds his own place and obtains residency.

He accepted your DC, he probably just assumes you’d accept his. That is what tends to happen with a blended family. I would be deeply hurt if my “d”p reacted the way you did and I think I would have to leave as he did. His children are in a vulnerable position and he would like them to live with him, I’m sure he didn’t expect you to have to think about it.
How would you feel if he said he wanted to live with you but couldn’t accept your DC? Hopefully you’d send him packing!

I agree op there is not much more you could have done. Having someone else’s kids live with you is a huge upheaval for you and your dc. You need to take it slow and be cautious. Step kids are a massive strain on a relationship.