Am I an awful person

[SushiRolll]

I'm really struggling at the moment.

Me and DH are TTC and are currently being seen by the recurrent miscarriage clinic. I've had 5 in a year and a half with the latest currently ongoing.

I'm heartbroken and just a mess.

My DH has two lovely kids from his previous relationship. Please do believe me when I say that I really do care for these children, we have a great relationship.

But at the moment I feel like a terrible person because I'm struggling to be around them. Of course I am and I try absolutely to carry on as normal but sometimes I need to take myself away to be alone.

I can't explain it, it's like my heart is being ripped from my chest whenever I see DH playing with them or snuggling on the sofa.

Usually I look forward to them staying but recently I look forward to us having our nights alone so I can just be with DH and grieve openly without having to act like I'm fine.

They are with us 3 nights a week so obviously they are here often.

I feel horrible. I have so many emotions and thoughts going on right now and I feel guilty for feeling this way.

I've asked DH if we can get away for a weekend (literally two nights in the new year) and when he asked whether the kids could come I just wanted to say no. I feel terrible but I just want a break.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I just feel so guilty having these feelings.

It's nothing to do with the kids, I don't let it affect them or their time here. I try so so hard to be my usual happy self when they are here, I still join in and chat with them like I always have. I just feel overwhelmed at the moment like I need to shut myself away for 10 minutes so I can let it out and then get back to it.

Oh OP I’m so sorry for your loss. You have to talk to your DP, openly and honestly.
You are going through so much; physically, mentally and emotionally and yet you are also having to hold it together in front of your DP. I’m sorry but I don’t think you should have to do that and unless you talk to him then he won’t have any clue of what you are going through.

I would hope that he has enough empathy to understand that because of what you are going through, it’s completely understandable that you feel how you feel around his DC. Showing you a video of his toddler when you are TTC is (I’m sorry to say), very thoughtless and quite cruel actually. I’m sure it was unintentional but it’s horrible nonetheless. Unless you tell him this, how will he know?

You’re carrying a lot alone, how is he there for you? And how are you telling him what you need?
You say you love him, well give him a chance to step up and support you. He may surprise you x

Thank you.

It's not that he doesn't support me, he does and he is a lovely man. I think he just doesn't quite understand the complete affect this is having on me.

The thing is, it sounds horrible of him showing me that video etc... But I know he doesn't have a malicious bone in his body so it was just him not thinking. And I know this is his child, he's proud of him and wants to share that with me. I understand and feel like I have to just accept that.

I just don't know what to say or how to have a conversation about this as I don't want to make him feel guilty for something he can't change?

What even is the solution? He isn't going to stop the kids staying here (which is not what I want anyway) and I don't want to leave either so I feel my only choice is to just carry on sucking it up and trying to push down how I feel.

It's so hard. I was sat alone last night whilst he went to youngests school play with his ex and I just can't even explain the feelings I have thinking he's away playing happy families with another woman whilst I am alone and dealing with losing our baby yet again.

It's gut wrenching to watch him parenting with someone else when that is all I want with him too.

Its so ugly to be jealous. But that is it essentially. I am jealous that another woman has with him what I want but keep losing.

I hate myself for thinking this way. I'm just in constant turmoil with myself it's exhausting. I'm so tired.

I’m not saying he’s malicious but thoughtlessness is not ok either in this situation. It is exceptionally thoughtless to show someone who has repeatedly suffered the loss you have a video of his own child as a toddler. I’m sorry but the reason I am reiterating this is so that you understand that this level of thoughtlessness is really not helping you. If he isn’t taking a moment, every day, to say, what does sushi need today, then he isn’t supporting you. He can enjoy his DC and value them, but that doesn’t mean that you somehow have to deal with these overwhelming emotions.

He may not be malicious but when you are this emotionally drained and vulnerable, thoughtlessness can do just as much emotional damage. Kindness, gentleness and real considered thoughtfulness is what he needs to be displaying with you and unless you tell him this clearly, this situation will not miraculously resolve itself.

Also sitting on this maelstrom of very real and valid emotions and not sharing them, that is not the best for you. You can share these feeelings without attacking him or his DC. Your emotions are valid and he needs to understand them. But you need to voice them.