AIBU?

[Tango500]

So DSD (4years old) has got worse with her years every time she doesn't get her own way. Has happened several times today so by bedtime I had had enough. I marched her straight to her room and told her when she stopped being silly she could come back out and go to bed properly like normal. Unfortunately DP decided that there was a time and a place for discipline and he didn't want her in tears before bedtime because she was 'just tired' . As it happened she stopped crying (mostly) and we all made amends and she went to bed again sensible. Was I in the wrong?

Yes step back and let her df discipline her. At that age they can act out but it really needs to be her telling getting involved.

Sorry should say that should say tears not years! 🤦🏼‍♀️

It is up to the father to discipline her, not you. You can back him up if necessary, but he should decide on a punishment. I agree with him that it is not right to have a child upset at bedtime. I don't believe in sending a child to the bedroom at any time anyway. A child's room should be a place to relax, feel comfortable and safe.

Firstly I think whether it is for your her father to discipline her depends on all the circumstances and not just the fact that your are her stepmother and not her biological mother.

Not sure why people are quick to say it’s not your place.

In terms of discipline before bed you must have an idea as to whether that was the real issue for your partner or whether he just doesn’t like you telling his child off.

I also don’t know what she was doing so it’s difficult to say whether you were reasonable or notZ

You have to take her father’s lead on discipline. He is her parent, if you want to be involved in discipline then you have to be working from the same page as him, not taking over and doing it your way. Speak to him once she is asleep and agree on what discipline you will do and what is appropriate etc.

I’d agree I’d take her fathers lead and not intervene at this stage. It can ramp up the tension having two in conflict over bedtime. She’s very young, she will act up. She won’t necessarily respond that well to you yet either, you have to build up a step parenting role gradually.

Your DP may not be doing it that well, but it’s important that he still does the parenting mostly. I think it’s fine to tell her not to do something directly if she is rude, being unsafe, not nice to others, that kind of thing. However bedtimes are for her parent to lead.

She was playing up because she didn't want to go to bed 🙈 I should mention that he is really soft with her (my whole family see it too) and he has told me her behaviour has improved since I've been around the last nearly 3 years. But perhaps the majority are right, I should step back sometimes. Also because I do find I get taken for granted at other times!

She's 4 years old.... marching her to her room comes across as quite heavy and you did it in anger...as you said you'd had enough.

You were bound to upset her the way you handled it...so I agree with your OH on this I'm afraid.

If I was her mum I wouldn't be happy with you.

Oh wow..how to really set someone up for the day. Thank you for that delightful and helpful comment.

She’s still only little op you’re reaction was way over the top as a mum to a child similar age I wouldn’t have been best pleased. I’m surprised though you got with someone who had a one year old baby.

And she was already upset because she was having tantrum about going to bed FYI. It people like you who make me really really resent coming on here and asking for help, when it's sometimes the only place I have to ask others! You've e really upset me. Thank you.

She's a little girl with a very big attitude, and very argumentative. What would you have done in this situation? Maybe I need advise on better ways to discipline or handle it not to be just shot down instead?

She’s 4! Op it’s sometimes what they do often or not it’s because they are over tired. I know I have three dc one who is 5. I’m guessing you don’t have dc of you’re own?

She's nearly 5 going on 14!

Her behaviour has "improved" during the past three years? So since she was one?

Cone on, that's ridiculous. No one year old behaves badly, they're just babies.

It's very normal for four year olds to test boundaries, it's an essential part of healthy development. And I'm afraid I agree that you come across as heavy handed.

Dad needs to take the lead on discipline that you agree on, but bedtime should be calm and peaceful.

You do sound quite cold. It's very easy to patent another person's child, way harder when they're your own.

Let her dad deal with her.

Don’t discipline her she’s not you’re child it’s down to her father to do that. It’s not you’re place to do so. She will also resent you for especially if you’re dp disagrees with you’re actions. He needs to step in and defuse the situation. He needs up a routine before bed time, nice bubble bath and story time before bed. If she’s overtired like that and irritable best thing is to take her back to bed and not talk to her and repeat the process instead of shouting her.

Your probably right pickledpost! By improved I mean when she was 1or2 my DP couldn't even take her out in public because she wouldn't sit still for more than two mins then Scream the place down 🤦🏼‍♀️ but I found they never used to eat meals at the table at dinner times so we introduced that and that got better.

I'm honestly trying my hardest not to interfere but it's soooo hard! I don't have my own child and I dearly would like my own and I can understand it's easier for me to pick holes in his parenting from my perspective. I get frustrated because I can see things getting worse or other behaviours just getting ignored. I know she sounds young but she's nearly 5 and really very clever and she can be quite manipulative. Can anyone suggest anything I can read that might help me?

OP it sounds very typical child behaviour, my youngests kicks off he’s 2 in public he’s hardwork where as my dd didn’t at that age in public. It has nothing to do on how they are brought up with mum. I’m guessing you don’t have kids and I don’t mean to be condescending but as a parent you learn along the way how to deal with things. I’m guessing by the timeline you’re dp wasn’t with his ex for a long time whilst their dd was young so he wasn’t constantly with her everyday. Have you ever thought for a second she might be missing her mum?

No child that age is manipulative I have a child same age who just turned five and she’s certainly not 4 going on 14.

Hi Tango
I am DSD to a four year old. I know the potential for drama!
At least now at this age they have some logical but they still don’t pick their battles. So much energy over ridiculous things - but maybe they don’t seem ridiculous to them.
I have had to learn to be a little less direct and a little more devious to avoid DSD feeling backed into a corner and things kicking off.
Eg eating can be a flashpoint. Even if it’s her favourite food she can work herself up very quickly at table. I try to head this off when I see initial signs by saying ‘don’t touch your food - it’s way too hot’ and distract her with something to eat in her hand eg a small piece of bread, carrot, green bean ... Often she quietly picks up her fork a few minutes later. She’s still young enough that she hasn’t rumbled my tactic!
Consistency is the other thing that works. Her dad follows precisely the same morning and nighttime routine every single night. (it evolves of course over time but isn’t obviously different from one day to the next.) The lack of choice leaves no room for drama, apart from clothes selection.It can be quite funny listening to the negotiation on pink, sparkles, tights, skirts etc that happens between dad and daughter!
Overall I’ve found that recently she questions my authority a bit. Eg if she asked me if she can play with fire and i say no she runs to ask her dad. So I’m tryjng to take a step back and tell her to ask her dad.
It’s a lovely age - so good to see the rapid changes in ways of thinking and increasing ability to communicate but yup, it turns out that the tantrums don’t stop as the toddler age ends.

If you don’t have your own child you won’t get how it feels in quite the same way.

She’s not manipulative. She’s 4.

Snappedandfarted.. your child hasn't yet played you off against your partner? The other day she told me she wanted to pretend to be ill so she didn't have to go to school! 😂 that's the sort of behaviour I mean. I did chuckle at that one I have to admit!

To clarify - I am SM to a DSD of four years old!