AIBU?

[Tango500]

So DSD (4years old) has got worse with her years every time she doesn't get her own way. Has happened several times today so by bedtime I had had enough. I marched her straight to her room and told her when she stopped being silly she could come back out and go to bed properly like normal. Unfortunately DP decided that there was a time and a place for discipline and he didn't want her in tears before bedtime because she was 'just tired' . As it happened she stopped crying (mostly) and we all made amends and she went to bed again sensible. Was I in the wrong?

Thank you laloup for you help for not making me feel dreadful!

Oh but she does op regardless if I’m still with her df. She will especially if I’m at work and she wants something and knows I’ve said no. Have you ever watched the extraordinary life of a 4 and 5 year old on channel four? You can see all there typical interactions on they and how they deal with certain situations and rules. I think you’re problem is you’re holding at higher expections for her age.

Yeah I think so too snappedandfarted. She's grown up so fast over the last few years maybe I'm expecting too much of her now. I'll have a look at the programme. I think half the problem is because I don't have my own I don't what I should be expecting 🤔

Don't have anywhere for you to read but definitely take a step back as hard it can be.
It's up to her dad to discipline - hard as if you were looking after other people's kids you would I'm sure give them a telling off if they were being naughty. But if her dad is there then you just need to let him get on with it.

Hi op.

As a step mum, I think you're very much in it together. By allowing the father to do all of the discipline etc you aren't showing a united front, and, sounds like you've been in her life for quite a while, so she will know no different than you being a parent figure, so ignore pp's imo.

As to what to do, you need to have this conversation with your OH here first and foremost. What's the game plan here? Does he recognise behaviour you think is negative? If not, perhaps you can talk it through with him, decide what your joint parenting should look like.

Then together you can tackle any behavioural issues.

I don't agree with parenting separately with step children. You create a divide and are asking to be played off against each other.
And yes, a 5 yr old can be manipulative. They may not necessarily know that's what they are doing, but it happens.

I think it's really great that you're taking posters' comments on board and that you acknowledge it's tempting to interfere etc. That is very mature.

Honestly, every age brings challenges but also much joy. All parents find young children exhausting and irritating at times, those are the times when they need you most.

Keep encouraging her, keep acknowledging that it's tough for children to go between households, and just keep loving her.

Thank you pickledpost ☺️ everyone's got their own experience and advice, i don't believe in 'wrong' advice because nobody ever wrote a rule book on parenting. It's just nice to have help and advice sometimes but without being shot down and made to feel bad

It’s really funny programme op so definitely worth a watch. Op my ds1 is from a previous relationship, DS has some issues with his SM mainly being overbearing to the point his relationship deteriorated he didn’t want to go round anymore due the main issue being that SM was trying to be another mom and his DF wasn’t doing an discipline which caused a lot of resentment. (DS is 10 now but she’s been around since the age of 2) after a frank conversation with his DF his SM took a step back and his DF took over the discipline and things have improved massively between them.

4 is still so young, I have a 4yo DS and he is very much still a baby.
Honestly you sound a bit like my ExH... he had no children in his life and expected far too much of my then 4yo DD. He expected her to be perfectly behaved at all times but she was still so small and they can’t always regulate their emotions at that age.

I asked him so many times to leave any discipline to me and to not get involved but he tended to believe he knew best despite not yet having any children of his own.

To be blunt it got to the point where I grew to hate him and in the end I made him leave because I felt my DD was being bullied by him. However our relationship produced our son who is now 4 (we split when he was 6 months old).

Despite a rocky start ExH is now a wonderful dad to DS and regularly still apologise and talk about how he now sees he treated my DD. Now our DS is the same age as my DD was at the time we were when we split he understands how I felt and how wrong he was to discipline the way he did.

We are friends now and talk about it frankly.

Also I’m a SM to two girls who I love to bits but I find it hard so you do have my sympathy. I don’t do any discipline, I leave it to their dad. Our relationship is good, the kids love me and I find not being overly involved with “trying to shape them” or “fix” any behaviour I don’t like is the best way to be. Also I don’t expect my DP to get involved to that level with my kids either.

Take a step back and let dad deal with it. 4 is soooo young still, tantrums are normal at that age. She may be clever but she will still be emotionally immature and that can only develop with time.

Also she’s not manipulative. She is a very young child testing boundaries and ideas, it’s normal and certainly not indicative of a naughty child.

Yeah I can relate to that. We do get the odd weekend where I've perhaps interfered too much or even actually I've done more with her and she's got really clingy with me and DP gets a bit offended that she doesn't want to hug him or sit with him etc (oopsy 🙈) so I think to myself,next time I'll just back down a bit and it seems to go in waves. Last night was just the first time we've had quite a heated discussion about it, so maybe I did overstep the mark on this occasion

I find MN amusing when it comes to (usually) SM. They're either interfering too much because they try to parent or they aren't getting involved because they refuse to! Whiplash anyone?!

OP slightly different as my DD lives with me full time, but when my DP moved in he took on the same role as me. He is equally responsible for DD & if she is doing something she shouldn't he intervenes. To me we are a team, we work together & that includes with the kids. Otherwise imo there will be a very clear divide in the house; me being the authoritarian one & DP just 'being there' with no real input. I will never understand why people say that step parents have no place disciplining kids in their homes...that to me breeds disrespect & mutual resentment.

Sounds like you need to speak to your DP about what he expects, and then work out a game plan of a joint front. Tbh if he has a problem with you disciplining SD i'd say you have a bigger problem. I also don't see what is wrong with taking her to her room for some time out; sometimes kids need the space - mentally & physically - to just unwind from whatever little tantrum they are currently in. DD is now 6 but from about 4 she has known her room is her 'chill' zone & she will either take herself there if she needs time or we will suggest she takes herself away. When she comes back out, quick chat, cuddle & done.

I think there’s abit difference in being in agreement for insistence if your dp told her she couldn’t have something and she asked you and said you said no in agreement to you discipline her and it not being in line with how you’re dp with the situation. It’s all a learning curve op and you seem to have taken on the advice given on the thread even mams get it wrong we aren’t perfect and it’s how we will learn as parents.

Ok so I'm potentially not going to be the worst mum in the world when I get to have my own?🙈

Deffo not OP.

I actually think being a SM is harder than being a mum to my own 2 boys 😂

Tango500 i guarantee you will have moments throughout where you think you are the world's worst. I believe it is in line with mummy guilt. I'm on baby number 2 & have days where i think 'oh god i've scarred them for life' but we're all learning. And kids react differently to different things so you learn to tailor your parenting to how they tick

Disclaimer- I am not a step mum, but I don’t understand the advocates of handsoff, not your child. When they go to school, they do what the teacher says. When we went to friends or cousins, we did what their parents / my aunt and uncle said (including chores if staying at cousins). If I had a partner who had kids, especially young ones, I’d expect to be a parent figure in my own home. Not equal I agree, but not not my problem.

I agree with pp in your home you do on some level have the right to discipline a child. If I saw my partner wasn't stepping up I would step in and try and calm the situation.

The problem you have is that you could end up being seen as the wicked step mother. If your dp is soft, this is the way he has chosen to bring up his child. It would drive me crazy if I'm honest.

You will end up with the whole you're not my mum thing thrown in your face. If you and your partner don't find a way to place similar boundaries and rules.

The other think to consider it's that you have the advantage of seeing how he parents. He would parent his possible future child with you in the same way.

It's not really about you stepping back, you share a house, but you do need to find a way that works for you all without the blame of the rules being shifted onto you.

It's definitely a divided opinion. I think though it's just a case of knowing your boundaries. I do pipe up if she's giving us attitude, or not using manners. And that's acceptable. I know DP agrees with that, and actually her mum too as we've had conversations about it. I do do a lot with her, I wash all her clothes, even but her clothes and toys. I feed her, shower/bath her, get her dressed, do her homework with her but both DP and I take it in turns depending on if someone's busy doing something else or whatever the situation is. So I feel I am allowed some degree of freedom to discipline to a certain extent. I think what I've learnt from this though is that I shouldn't expect too much at her age, and when (excuse my french) the shit does hit the fan, ultimately her dad should take responsibility and I should back down or at least back him up.

I could of written this about 5 years ago. I got out of it and never looked back. There were other factors though. After 3 years I would expect for you to be able to discipline dsd to a degree so a 4 min time out or asking to pack away I'm not sure you should of marched her anywhere though. Your dp sounds a bit soft. You need to have a united front otherwise this isn't going to work and you'll wind up resenting the both of them. For me I got out when I realised I couldn't stand his dd being around and started to dread seeing her it was fair on her so i walked away. Best thing I ever done.

I would be horrified if you did that to my dd who is nearly 4 they are
Still very small it's not like she is 8/9!
You leave that up to her dad especially if she's tired! They r still learning behaviour and testing the boundaries but it's not up to you to discipline her by marching her up to bed shouting and makin her cry ! Shame on you !!

She was already having a tantrum and crying and I didn't shout at her. Please get your facts right before shooting me down.

Also there's two years difference between yours and mine

You marched her straight to her room.

I’m sorry but that sounds awful for a very young child.

And she’s not yours.

She has a mum and a dad. Who doesn’t agree with your approach.