AIBU?

[Tango500]

So DSD (4years old) has got worse with her years every time she doesn't get her own way. Has happened several times today so by bedtime I had had enough. I marched her straight to her room and told her when she stopped being silly she could come back out and go to bed properly like normal. Unfortunately DP decided that there was a time and a place for discipline and he didn't want her in tears before bedtime because she was 'just tired' . As it happened she stopped crying (mostly) and we all made amends and she went to bed again sensible. Was I in the wrong?

So tell me how you'd have dealt with it rather than telling me how horrible I am? She's nearly 5 btw.

If you had got to the point where you had 'had enough' then you should back away before you lose your temper like you did. Your DP can step in and deal with it. You lashed out because you were annoyed, not because you were trying to discipline her. I've removed myself from situations with my own kids where I can feel my blood pressure rising and so has my partner.

I would be livid if someone done that to my child. Far too heavy handed for the age. Let her father discipline and follow his lead.

P.s she's not yours. She has a mother and father

OP you need to remember that 4yo are the mist of their learning. Learning takes time and comes with ups and downs. To be fair, look at yourself as an adult: you've learnt how to behave but you will still react when you're tired, angry, frustrated or annoyed. You've just learned to be less dramatic about it through many more years than 4.

In this instance the issue seem to be that you interfered when you got angry about the situation so reacted accordingly rather than intervening when you were calm in a controlled way. That is what probably annoyed your OH. If you want to get involved in discining this girl, you'd be better doing so in a more proactive planned way than a reactive one.

When she gets annoyed is the time you get to remove yourself because it becomes her fathers role to deal with the annoyance.

What a load of tosh on here sometimes.
You're a step mum, you are involved and have the right to use discipline in your home.
'Leave it to her dad' doesn't work in a proper family unit.
I sometimes deal with my SS behaviour even if his dad's there. As long as it's not weird or cruel etc then you are a form of parent whose boundaries should be respected.

I take the view that I am not a SM at all, as my DPs 6 year old has a very devoted mother. I am her fathers partner (of 4 years) and i do get a say what goes on in my home, but my job is to back up DP. I also challenge him (never in tiny earshot) when i can see his approach to something is not working, get him to change tack. Sometimes i am wrong, more often i am right (i used to be a 6 year old girl myself you see) but Dad is in charge.
I prefer to stay in my lane (fun stuff, jokes, cuddles, games) and when the screaming tantrums start I disappear after the first 10 minutes.
She is being brought up in a very different way than i was, and certainly not how i would choose to bring up my own child, and i used to find it very difficult to watch. But she has 2 parents who love her very much and are doing what they consider to be best, and the last thing anyone needs is me sticking my oar in and confusing the situation further.
Just my experience - learning all the time how to navigate being so involved in bringing up a child who is not mine. Guilt at getting things wrong is par for the course

She’s 4.

See when you have a 4 year old I hope no one ever does that to yours and I hope you have the insight to realise how wrong you have been and apologise.

OP I’m glad you have had some more balanced posts since I posted.

There is a book called step monster that is good for step parenting generally.

Thank you Alice. I'll have a look. I'm going to finish this post now because clearly I don't have perfect parent skills like the person who posted above you. I'm assuming her children must be perfect little angels. It's nice that people like to remind me that she isn't mine. And that I clearly don't have any of my own. I've wanted my own kids for many years but unfortunately I got trapped in an abusive relationship for many years before that's I didn't quite get round to it sorry to say.

OP mumsnet can be a little unforgiving towards step parents so try not to take it personally. Whether you wer harsh or not (I’m not really sure) I am sure you’d have got different responses if you were the child’s mother. Good luck! x

Yeah I got the impression 🙈 I was probably a little harsh, I didn't shout at her though or 'lash out' as such I just took her to her room swiftly and told her to stop being silly and to come out when she was ready to do sorry. I was at the end of my tether, and as people have said it's better not to do it when I'm wound up which I can see.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. How many parents do you think haven’t been at the end of their tether when displining a child? It’s all experience x

My kids are not perfect little angels. They’re adults now.

And I certainly never always got it right. However. They have a step parent and if they had reported at 4 that their step mother had said that they were hers and that their step mother had marched them to their room and put them there when they were in tears and told them they had to stay there? I’d have been having words with my ex and telling him that they most certainly were NOT hers and that he needed to be parenting and not leaving it to his partner.

4 year olds are great aren't they 🙄
I have a 4 year old, I have learned that this is a really emotional age. They want to be grown up but don't want to be treated like an older child. So, being careful with discipline is a must! Marching to bedroom was wrong. If I did this my DD would instantly feel like I wanted her out of the way.
The only thing that works for her is a gentle but firm talking to. E.g Mummy loves you so much but wants you to not do that again because that is not good/nice behaviour. Why do you think Mummy is saying it is not good?'
Let her answer, then agree or correct.
Then say lets not do that again. Then in a really positive voice with a big smile say 'right, lets be a good girl now, yes?'

Disclaimer...this works on my 4 year old, however, would never have worked with my 11 year old when she was 4! So I am not saying this is what you should do, but may be worth a try.

Its about finding out what works best. I do feel that patience is needed, but also her daddy should be taking control, and you back him. As parents and step parents you are a team, but the actual parent should be team leader.

I assume she has also just started reception. My son is 5 and just started school and he is knackered by the weekend and often over-tired, silly and sensitive. I think you need to be aware she will be struggling with feeling tired and know when to come down harder on her and what behaviour to ignore. Marching her to the bedroom was never going to work and would only fuel a tantrum. I appreciate it’s hard when you are at the end of your tether.

Dad was probably right in this instance that her behaviour was down to being overtired so I would let him lead on discipline.

Btw further to my earlier post... I don’t think Stepparents shouldn’t get involved with disciplining their SCs, however it only works if it their bio parent is agreement with you doing it and how you’re doing it.

I personally find it easier to not get involved with discipline but my DP is very good at doing it anyway so I don’t feel the need to.

I will obviously step in and stop them doing anything dangerous or hurting each other (my SDs occasionally come to blows 😬) but most of the time if I see something I’m not happy with I’ll go and talk to DP then tell deal with it.

I find doing it this way means neither he or his kids resent me too. It makes our relationships all easier. It’s easy for stepparents to become the hated one because the kids don’t have the unconditional love for you that they do for their own parents. If I shouted or for example took away my SD’s phone as punishment she’d quite likely hate me for it. But if her dad does it, yes she’d be annoyed and angry with him but at the end of the day he’s her dad and she adores him.
Also DP isn’t afraid for his kids to be angry with him for parenting them because he too loves them unconditionally and knows it’ll blow over.

One thing to be wary or at least aware of OP is that if her dad is too soft, it makes it necessary for someone else (you) to do the firmer parenting. Well actually that’s his job and he doesn’t get to opt out of it because he doesn’t like being firm. It’s part of parenting. He doesn’t get to make you the bad guy because he wants to be fun dad. That’s not fair. Don’t fall into that trap. Make sure he steps up and does the real stuff himself.

Wow catching up with the responses i'm aghast the anybody thinks after 3 years being part of the girl's life you should basically just sit in a corner looking pretty. No wonder SPs have such a hard time - the whole 'them & us' attitude is shite!

I don’t think step parents should always step back and leave parents to it but in this instance dad was right in his approach. I think step parents are fine to discipline but it really needs to be the parents paving the way in how and when to discipline because presumably they know best what works for the child and when. It’s just too stressful if you are a step parent trying to discipline if the parent is not on board so so in this instance op should have just let dad deal with bedtime. That’s what I would have done anyway.

You shouldn't look pretty and SM should absolutely be able to discipline their SKs when under their care but when the parent is right there and taking a different aortic to dealing with poor behaviour why e would a SM think it right to over rule their approach h and take matters in her hands especially when she dies so when not in full control of her emotions?

BTW don't get those SMs who refers to the family as Their home. It's no more theirs then their partners surely?

I don't think the 'step' thing is the main problem here, teaching a young child to associate bedtime (which should be a calm, relaxing time) with punishment is a daft idea for all parents.

But letting a child have a tantrum & go unchecked (regardless of how 'tired' they are) is somehow going to make bed time peaceful

In a household with bio mum & bio dad together if one isn't dealing with an issue the other steps in. This is no different. This whole 'i would be furious if a step mother did this' is ridiculous.

If a child is tired and mid tantrum then nothing you do will count as discipline. They’re not in the right mental space to take on board actions and consequences. You have to let the tantrum run it’s course, let things calm down and then you speak to them about their bad behaviour and any consequences. Honestly you’re pissing in the wind if you try to get an over tired screeching 4 year old to understand your point of view whilst their so wound up. You’re not dealing with a rational mind at that point.

Children find tantrums frightening and exhausting. Once they have begun to calm down, they need reassuring and a hug. Only once the fear has subsided can you start to talk to them rationally about behaviour and handling thing differently in future.