AIBU?

[Tango500]

So DSD (4years old) has got worse with her years every time she doesn't get her own way. Has happened several times today so by bedtime I had had enough. I marched her straight to her room and told her when she stopped being silly she could come back out and go to bed properly like normal. Unfortunately DP decided that there was a time and a place for discipline and he didn't want her in tears before bedtime because she was 'just tired' . As it happened she stopped crying (mostly) and we all made amends and she went to bed again sensible. Was I in the wrong?

If your question was directed at me, i bought the house before i even met DP. I get a say on whether the walls are allowed to be drawn on or whether it ok for a trail of crisp packets and other debris to be strewn throughout the house or whether my late grandmothers crystal basket can be used as a play prop, for example. (Absolutely not to all of these, if anyone was wondering)

Youseethethingis you're such a spoilsport 😉

I know, I'm no fun. Spent this evening having a disco in the living room, complete with flashing lights and DJ Daddy on the decks

Omg can i move in?? I promise i don't draw on walls...

Agree as a SM you absolutely have the right to discipline in your own home. But, as with any children (step or otherwise) you and your DP need to be on the same page and always willing to back each other up, otherwise the children will sense the divide and play you off.

We have a rule that we always back each other up in front of the kids, even if we don’t agree with the other’s approach - we might talk about it after and agree to do things differently in future but in front of the children we are united. You might want to suggest something similar to your DP, otherwise you’ll be stepping on eggshells in your own home.

I do think if your DP thinks it wasn't acceptable then you are out of line. Raising a child with another person is just that, working with them. It's harder for you because you aren't her parent, 'just' her step-mum. You need to tow the line a bit and follow what approaches to discipline he sets. If he would have sat with her for 5 mins to calm down and then removed a toy then you should have done that.
But it sounds like he wants you to discipline at sometimes and not others, which isn't fair on you or your DSD.

I also really don't get all these comments about she's not yours, she has parents etc etc... OP never said she was her daughter or her child, she just said mine is 2 years younger. I don't think for a second OP is trying to steal her DSD or make her a DD....

I often see how to talk so kids with listen and how to listen so kids will talk books recommended on here. Might be worth suggesting to your DP for you to both read if he agrees with those techniques.

Pissedoff in a household with both bio parents, there are arguments or disagreements about how discipline is applied to. It's part of being a family.

I agree that it's about backing each other up, but doing so goes both ways and if one parent doesn't agree on harsh discining before bedtime, the other should support it. OP didn't on this occasion. What she should have done, yes, in a perfect world!, is speak to her OH before losing her cool and telling her tired 4 yo step daughter to stop being stupid in a frustrated way.

By the way, I know that I must have done the same at least once, but even as a parent, I acknowledged after wards that it wasn't the best to deal with the situation and when I did things because I lost my cool (single stressed mum) I would talk about it with my kids the following day and explain why it escalated to me losing my cool.

Not read the entire thread but seems like in mumsnet world you can t do right for doing wrong as a step mum. If you step back you aren't involved enough and you get told that you shouldn't be with the kids father if you aren't involved, but if you do try and be involved in parenting and discipline that's also wrong because they're "nots yours" and your just the evil step mum. I don't really get why both sets of parents can't just work together. When my 3 step children are at our house it's both of our jobs to parent them, and when theyre at their mum's, it's her and her partners job

Charlotte I've never read one post from a parent complaining that the SP wasn't disciplining their SCs enough especially when such discipline goes against what the parent would do in the situation.

There's a huge difference between being involved and disciplining in a different what the parent in care agrees with.