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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I think ExH GF needs to back off! WWYD?

83 replies

Beaubeagle · 01/10/2018 13:52

Back story: ExH and I divorced after 16 years together when I found out he was sleeping with OW.

Him and OW are still together now 4 years on. They haven’t gotten married or engaged but live together and have my DC EOW from Fri evening to Sun evening. No other contact outside these times except some days in school hols.

DS attends a SEN high school. His school have an online app where they will send messages, information and communications etc. I have the app and so does a ExH.

I got a notification a couple of weeks ago, via the app, stating that OW has set up her own login for the app and now has access to my DS’s profile and communications (presumably she was given the login code from ExH). I’m not happy about this at all! She is not a parent and has nothing to do with school. DS’s dad has the app so why does she need her own account?

I got in touch with school last week and they apologised and deleted her account. End of story, or so I thought.

Over the weekend I have had another message from the app showing that OW has once again created an account on my DS’s profile.

Aside from the fact that this OW ended my marriage, so obviously I’m not enamoured with her, she is not my DS’s parent or even a step parent so I don’t understand why she needs or even wants this app! WWY do in this situation? It makes me so angry that she thinks this is ok! I would never step in where I’m not wanted with someone else’s child! It might sound very trivial to some people but it’s really upsetting me and I don’t know where to go from here.,

OP posts:

Keeptrudging · 01/10/2018 13:56

I would go back to the school about this. Maybe look at the new GDPR regulations re keeping data safe. Their system is not fit for purpose if it allows unauthorised users to set up an account and access your child's data.

HeckyPeck · 01/10/2018 13:59

I think I’d feel the same as you OP.

I can’t see any reason for her to need it. Unless she does pick up from school on a Friday and there might be info about clubs/starting late?

I’m not sure what I’d do about it though. Probably try to ignore so as not to give them the satisfaction of knowing they’d gotten to me. Unless there’s any safeguarding issues from her having the info?

hamabr86 · 01/10/2018 14:09

If they live together then she will be acting as your DC's Stepmother regardless of whether they are married or not.

I'd hazard a guess that she is probably doing a large proportion of the childcare when he is there so will probably want to make sure that she has helping keep on top of homework ect. esp. if your ex isn't particularly good at it.

Do you have a DP and if so would you want your DP having access?

Original poster

Beaubeagle · 01/10/2018 14:14

ExH does all of the childcare himself, including cooking, washing clothes, ironing etc accordingly to my DC (amazing really, given he was completely useless when we were married.....) DS doesn’t get homework and there is nothing she would need to look at. Especially as my ExH is on top of things.

I do have a DH who is an amazing step parent. He wouldn’t see any reason why he’d would need his own app account though as I have one......

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 01/10/2018 14:15

This is totally unacceptable. Even if she is doing childcare, that is a private matter between her and the child's father and it is his responsibility to ensure she knows whatever info is relevant to help with homework.
Private records are for the parents only. I would definitely complain to the school again.

fastfooder · 01/10/2018 14:21

I think you should text your Ex and say what the actual F*?

fastfooder · 01/10/2018 14:23

I don’t see a point complaining to the school bc it’s not their fault your ex has given her access to the account. You need text him.

cranberryx · 01/10/2018 14:25

Definitely speak to the school. Maybe there might be a way to limit who has access to your DS's info.

I can't see why she would need the app, especially if your exH has it.
Your exH also needs a word with her. Its not on.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 01/10/2018 14:26

I'd kick off at the school for being irresponsible, twice. Their data system clearly isn't fit for purpose and it's your child that is having their privacy violated because of this. I would be rather angry and very clear to the school.

Magda72 · 01/10/2018 14:27

Totally not on.
School & your exh need to be spoken to in a very firm manner imo.

hoppipopla · 01/10/2018 14:30

I don't know that the school can do anything as your ex has given the details to his partner for her to create an account.
Might be worth asking if the school can block individual IP addresses and block hers but I doubt they could and she could just access from his device or a new one anyway.
This would definitely get my back up.

You need to speak to your ex and ask why they think this is acceptable and let them know you're not happy with her accessing private educational records.

Redbus1030 · 01/10/2018 15:35

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Original poster

Beaubeagle · 01/10/2018 16:54

My ExH and I don’t have a great relationship (given that he’s a lying, cheating arsehole who left me with nothing to raise three kids etc.). He’s not reasonable to anything I say, so I’m not sure there’s any point raising this with him unfortunately :(

OP posts:

Keeptrudging · 01/10/2018 17:23

Surely when you set up the account initially you had to sign something stating you wouldn't share this info with someone else? Is your ex not in breach of his agreement if he's sharing his log in? Your ex's partner doesn't have parental responsibility (legally) so the school shouldn't be giving her any information.

spaghettiforhair · 01/10/2018 17:33

I do have a DH who is an amazing step parent. He wouldn’t see any reason why he’d would need his own app account though as I have one......

So your partner is a step-parent but she isn't? Little bit hypocritical as she ended your marriage I'm guessing she has been around longer that your partner... and being married/not married is irrelevant as she is still acting as the step parent role.

But on the app front no reason why she should have access to it should be just you and your EXH he can share it with her on his phone no need for her own account

Original poster

Beaubeagle · 01/10/2018 17:35

@spaghettiforhair my DH and I are married, so yes, he’s a step-parent. My ExH and his GF are not, so she’s not a step-parent, regardless of how long they have been together.

OP posts:

ItWentInMyEye · 01/10/2018 17:44

I'd speak to school and ask them to only allow you to have an account if your exh can't be trusted not to share details which might lead to personal information being viewed by anyone other than parents. If you need to you could copy and forward anything relevant to exh.

spaghettiforhair · 01/10/2018 17:51

my DH and I are married, so yes, he’s a step-parent. My ExH and his GF are not, so she’s not a step-parent, regardless of how long they have been together

Sure, think your bitterness is blinding you on that aspect which is understandable as she and your ex partner wrecked your marriage with their affair so your feelings towards her are not the best.

But I disagree you don't have to be married to be a good step-parent or assume the role. Some people never get married doesn't mean they shouldn't be classed as so.

LegallyBrunet · 01/10/2018 22:30

My little brother is at a SEN school and they use a similar system but all the accounts are created and by the school and there is no way to make another one unless you’re staff. Could you suggest this to them?

Aprilislonggone · 01/10/2018 22:34

Remind school she does not have pr - you can insist she isn't given any info on your dc. They are breaking data protection.

HeckyPeck · 01/10/2018 22:45

There’s no way the school could agree to that. They can’t ban a parent from accessing information about their own child. Besides what a ball ache that would be for OP when OP has already said she doesn’t mind him sharing the info with his partner, just that she doesn’t want her to have her own log in.

Stepparentchallenges · 01/10/2018 23:21

I am going to go against everyone here but I don't see the whole issue with it. Everyone slates step parents for not making a effort or trying etc however this is a step mum who is wanting to make the effort and try. She may not get to see much of her partner if he is working etc. I have allowed my ex husbands girlfriend the passwords and access to my sons daily online diary from nursery and it's so much less hassle. ( she had an affair with my ex husband after stating she loved our life and our lifestyle and wanted it.) and yes I could have been bitter and for a little while I was, I wouldn't let my ex husband have our son with her there etc however after the get had gone I realised the important one was our son. We have since met up and we now have a group message to send photos and updates on our son to me and my ex and respective partners, I do my own diary each week with what he has done in for the ex to read and allow them access to his school stuff online. It cuts out thr need for me to communicate and you may find she notices more online and the trips etc than what he may.

I get your hurt but it could be worse, she could be horribl and not care at least she is trying cx

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 02/10/2018 09:41

No I would not like this either. And I’m a SM. Ex does not have parental rights and this is an important boundary. She can be parental in the home, help out, develop a good relationship with the child and I would imagine (hope) that you would support that? She will in essence be a step mum, married or not, and it’s healthy for both your son and her to have a relationship.

But no, no access or login. That is for you and his dad.

swingofthings · 02/10/2018 09:53

It's not reasonable but ultimately what's the difference between her creating her own account and logging in as your ex? Not clear why she doesn't do just that if shes that keen.

Do you have concerns with what she might do with it?

Redbus1030 · 02/10/2018 11:00

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

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