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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I think ExH GF needs to back off! WWYD?

83 replies

Beaubeagle · 01/10/2018 13:52

Back story: ExH and I divorced after 16 years together when I found out he was sleeping with OW.

Him and OW are still together now 4 years on. They haven’t gotten married or engaged but live together and have my DC EOW from Fri evening to Sun evening. No other contact outside these times except some days in school hols.

DS attends a SEN high school. His school have an online app where they will send messages, information and communications etc. I have the app and so does a ExH.

I got a notification a couple of weeks ago, via the app, stating that OW has set up her own login for the app and now has access to my DS’s profile and communications (presumably she was given the login code from ExH). I’m not happy about this at all! She is not a parent and has nothing to do with school. DS’s dad has the app so why does she need her own account?

I got in touch with school last week and they apologised and deleted her account. End of story, or so I thought.

Over the weekend I have had another message from the app showing that OW has once again created an account on my DS’s profile.

Aside from the fact that this OW ended my marriage, so obviously I’m not enamoured with her, she is not my DS’s parent or even a step parent so I don’t understand why she needs or even wants this app! WWY do in this situation? It makes me so angry that she thinks this is ok! I would never step in where I’m not wanted with someone else’s child! It might sound very trivial to some people but it’s really upsetting me and I don’t know where to go from here.,

OP posts:

Stepparentchallenges · 02/10/2018 11:14

@Redbus1030 I don't think it's unrelated as actually it does reflect. I myself came from butter oarents, my mum had affairs and they got back together and then split again etc and we as the kids were the ones constantly stuck in the middle, constantly hearing the bitching and mining and slagging the other parent off. And it's not a nice place to be. My youngest sister was 3 when jr all started and she is now 20 and has tried killing her self, selfing harming, drugs etc and it's all been linked. It took a lot of help to get her out the other side. And I always vow I never ever wanted this for my children. So as much as I can hate him and her for what they did I count myself lucky that my boy lives with me and for the times he isn't and he's with his dad he is with someone who is taking the interest and wanting too. Tonight I am meeting with my ex husband and his fianceee for a drink to Celebrex their engagement and to discuss our son, I am even putting her on the list for this school if she agrees as a contact etc. Kids learn from us as adults. And this is why I have always been so annoyed with my kind of partner (we are hoping to sort things out) ex wife because she doesn't see how being difficult, slagging their dad etc off actually I'd affecting them more.

I really do urge woman to just get over it, it's horrid it happens and it hurts but we need to be the bigger people x

Redbus1030 · 02/10/2018 13:55

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

SarahH12 · 03/10/2018 09:45

I can see where you're coming from. But if you're happy for him to share the info with her, what's the difference really between your ex sharing the info and her having direct access to it? Surely if her having the app is a violation of your son's privacy, surely your son's Dad sharing info with his gf is a violation too?

She's also very much acting in a stepmum role even though they are not married.

YeTalkShiteHen · 03/10/2018 09:47

Surely if her having the app is a violation of your son's privacy, surely your son's Dad sharing info with his gf is a violation too?

It is. Therefore if the Dad can’t be a decent fucking human being and NOT involve her, he shouldn’t have it either.

SarahH12 · 03/10/2018 09:50

It is. Therefore if the Dad can’t be a decent fucking human being and NOT involve her, he shouldn’t have it either

But she obviously cares about him. What sort of things are shared on the app? Surely if just progress in school, that would be talked about at home (both his home with his Mum and his Dad) anyway. And the OP already said she doesn't mind him sharing the info with her just doesn't want her to have the actual app. I can't see the difference. What's the actual issue here?

KeysHairbandNotepad · 03/10/2018 09:50

I'd be annoyed , not because she has access to that information , but because your exdh probably wants her to have access so that he can have her do things on his behalf.

Lazy sod.

FinallyFree123456789 · 03/10/2018 10:02

I completely get what your saying OP.

I have split with my dd's dad after he did the same - he took the new girlfriend to parents evening

However, from experience in court - they say the new partner is acting as a parent and as long as she has dads permission for these things - collecting from school, emergency contact, app downloads, parents evening etc then it's fine and there's not a lot I can do about it.
The school say the same - they have dads permission for her to do these things.

This however doesn't make it right. And I would be annoyed - however I don't think there's much you can do other than speak to your ex - which if he's anything like mine, you won't get anywhere and will just receive abuse.

Not much help OP lol

YeTalkShiteHen · 03/10/2018 10:04

What's the actual issue here?

The school saw it as enough of an issue to delete her access.

The issue is that she’s not a parent, and is refusing to listen to either the school or OP. She’s making a point and being petty.

lackingimagination · 03/10/2018 10:09

Choose your battles.

SarahH12 · 03/10/2018 10:13

The issue is that she’s not a parent, and is refusing to listen to either the school or OP. She’s making a point and being petty.

But OP has already said she's no problem the stepmum receiving the info from the Dad. Sounds like the mum is being petty and making a point rather than the stepmum.

Redbus1030 · 03/10/2018 10:35

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Original poster

Beaubeagle · 03/10/2018 10:44

Just to clarify a few points, my ExH does all of the childcare himself. She is not a step parent nor does she behave like one around my DC. Most of the time my DC are with their dad she goes off and does her own thing.

I never said I was ok with her receiving info via ExH, I just said that he has the app himself so why would she need one? Obviously if he gives her information there is very little I can do about this.

The information shared on the app is personal info about my son. He is at a SEN school so much of the things sent are very private. ExH and his GF have no dealings with school whatsoever. There is nothing on the app that GF would need to know or see. I think this is more about the fact she is training to be a teacher and is using this for her own personal info.

School have been back in touch to say she’s has been removed a second time. It appears she used a different email address this time to beat the system. Imo that’s just weird. Why is she so desperate for her own communication app for MY child?!

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 03/10/2018 10:45

Sounds like the mum is being petty and making a point rather than the stepmum

Aye if you say so.

Second wife?

Original poster

Beaubeagle · 03/10/2018 10:46

Just to add, ExH is very difficult she loves to create issues for me. If I address this with him directly I know he will just completely ignore anything I say. I also know he enjoys getting a rise out of me so saying nothing to him is better for me.

OP posts:

flamingofridays · 03/10/2018 10:48

my DH and I are married, so yes, he’s a step-parent. My ExH and his GF are not, so she’s not a step-parent, regardless of how long they have been together

oh don't be silly, whether they have signed a bit of paper or not means nothing in this situation and you well know it.

I agree she probably doesn't need access but in the grand scheme of things does it matter? she would have access to the info anyway via your ex, so I couldn't be arsed starting an argument over it.

What could she actually do with it that concerns you so much?

AnneElliott · 03/10/2018 10:51

I'm with you op - she doesn't have PR so she shouldn't have access. My DS grandparents pick him up from school etc but I wouldn't give them the parent app or anything - that would be weird.

flamingofridays · 03/10/2018 10:59

anne I assume that ops husband doesn't have PR either. Marrying someone doesn't give you PR.

Original poster

Beaubeagle · 03/10/2018 11:15

@flamingofridays no my DH doesn’t have PR. I never said he did, despite the fact that he lives with my DC 26 days a month and helps with the school run, homework, childcare etc. He also doesn’t have the app....

OP posts:

flamingofridays · 03/10/2018 11:18

I never said you said he did, I was pointing out that you don't get PR just by marriage.

SarahH12 · 03/10/2018 11:46

Aye if you say so. Second wife?

No. I don't think she should have access to the information. But my point was if OP is okay with her receiving the info from ex then it does seem petty to block her from using the app. But as it turns out the OP isn't particularly okay with it so apologies for misunderstanding that. In which case you should talk to ex about it. But if you're not going to do that, is it really worth the hassle?

It does seem weird that she's changing her email address each time, who does that!

HoppingPavlova · 03/10/2018 12:04

In principle I wouldn’t agree with OW having access. However, the reality is that if she wants access and exDH is okay with it there are ways to work around it so I think you are fighting a losing battle unfortunately.

DH and I were both given our own login for our school app. You needed to activate initially within a certain number of days for the link to be valid/active (whatever). Of course he didn’t get around to it. Instead of contacting the school to reactivate/reset/resend (whatever) he just uses my login and password whenever he wants to go in. I dare say this is what will happen with exDH and OW unfortunately.

Will add we may/may not be odd though as we have each other’s passwords and logins where necessary for everything. It’s in case one of us is hit by a bus or whatnot. We have a friend that could have really used this system when their DH died, would have made their life a LOT easier with certain things at the time so we decided it was the way we would go from then on.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 03/10/2018 18:18

I wanted to download show my homework for my DSS's school as:

He is here all weekend so peak time to get homework done.
He always says he has 'forgot' his homework so can't possibly do it. Problem solved if I had the show my homework app.
He won't do his homework at his DM's house.

But too scared to ask his DM for the parent pin that has been posted to her by the school because she will only kick off and tell me it's fuck all to do with me, who do I think I am, blah blah. Fine.

Firefliess · 03/10/2018 18:45

The school should have a system that prevents anyone getting access to a child's details without the school having explicitly granted them permission! The processes are shite of they're relying on a complaint and blocking of a specific email address. There could be much more dangerous situations than yours if a new email address is all it takes to get access. And presumably a parent is not allowed to give permission for someone else to see their child's details, or otherwise why would the school have deleted the account when you asked (over ruling your ex's wishes)?

I'd take that up with them as a more general concern.

But if she's wanting access she's presumably taking an interest in your DS and supporting your DH in his parenting. And there's nothing you can do to prevent your ex sharing his login details with her. My DH has his email set up to autoforward anything from the school to me - helps with logistics mainly. I put school things in our family diary and remind him to go

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 03/10/2018 20:31

It's not what you want to hear, OP, but this is the Government guidance for schools on handling issues around parental responsibility (I know this from my role as a school governor):

www.gov.uk/government/publications/dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility/understanding-and-dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility

The short version is that education law is different to family law when setting out who they recognise as a 'parent', and would therefore provide information to about a child.

Any adult who has care of a child - which includes the child living with them for part of the time, as in the case of your ex's girlfriend, is entitled to be viewed as a parent, and to receive information about the child's education.

That comes as a surprise to many people, but it is the law. So, in this case, the school was actually wrong to prevent the GF from having access to the system, as she is legally entitled to have it.

HugeAckmansWife · 06/10/2018 03:29

But lookatyourwatch why is it you needing the parent pin? Why not your DSS's father?

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