I think ExH GF needs to back off! WWYD?

[Beaubeagle]

Back story: ExH and I divorced after 16 years together when I found out he was sleeping with OW.

Him and OW are still together now 4 years on. They haven’t gotten married or engaged but live together and have my DC EOW from Fri evening to Sun evening. No other contact outside these times except some days in school hols.

DS attends a SEN high school. His school have an online app where they will send messages, information and communications etc. I have the app and so does a ExH.

I got a notification a couple of weeks ago, via the app, stating that OW has set up her own login for the app and now has access to my DS’s profile and communications (presumably she was given the login code from ExH). I’m not happy about this at all! She is not a parent and has nothing to do with school. DS’s dad has the app so why does she need her own account?

I got in touch with school last week and they apologised and deleted her account. End of story, or so I thought.

Over the weekend I have had another message from the app showing that OW has once again created an account on my DS’s profile.

Aside from the fact that this OW ended my marriage, so obviously I’m not enamoured with her, she is not my DS’s parent or even a step parent so I don’t understand why she needs or even wants this app! WWY do in this situation? It makes me so angry that she thinks this is ok! I would never step in where I’m not wanted with someone else’s child! It might sound very trivial to some people but it’s really upsetting me and I don’t know where to go from here.,

I’m going to disagree with the majority - I think it’s good his SM is taking an interest and wanting to support your son at school. Better that than that she shows no interest at all. I know it must be hard for you as she was the OW but in your son’s interest I think you should support her having access. Your DH too.

You sound ever so bitter - which I totally get, but it's time to move on. Pick your battles, this isn't one of them.

As she is able to access her dps app, I can only assume she is doing this to get at you in some way. Especially as she must be aware her log in was removed due to you but she still created a new app. It would be tempting to not play into her hands as your reaction is exactly what she is looking for. Probably has discovered what an arsehole your ex is and is unhappy so playing games with you. Just ignore her - and she will get bored with her game.

Absolutely the school can do something about it. Your exh is facilitating a data breach. He's shown his determination by doing this twice. So they have adequate reason to change the login so he no longer has access. The thing is OW is doing this to get a rise and you're giving her it. It would give me the rage, but are you sure it's worth it?

Sunny it doesn't have to be one or the other, not involved at all or too involved.

What OP deserves is as a minimum to know why she wants access and what she is doing with what she reads. Like OP if she's planning to become a teacher I'd be quite concerned she was using the child's as a case study.

Yes, that’s a fair point Swing. The underlying issue is communication. If, say, the ex-DH made the effort to call and let OP know that SM is supervising homework while he is work and needs access for that reason then at least the OP would know what is going on. It’s the lack of discussion or even thinking the OP should know that is the problem. Some parents forget that parenting is a joint activity, even once parents are separated!

@HugeAckmansWife because I am the default person who would do homework with all of the DC in this house, because I am academic and DP is not. What on earth is the issue with wanting to encourage DSC to do their homework? I would be pissed off if that wasn't encouraged in my DC's DF's house.

But it's attitudes like that, @HugeAckmansWife, that prevent SP's from feeling able to really fulfill their role. It's the same attitude that DSC's Mum has... 'who the fuck are you to..' tell the DC's to do homework, eat vegetables, tell them off, ask them to say please and thank you etc etc

It's ok to look after them though when it suits, take them out to their activities, clean their room, pay for stuff for them. All the graft, but still must be invisible and insignificant.

@Lookatyourwatchnow I absolutely love that! Its so true thought that they are expected to include them on days out, holidays, run around after them, feed them etc when it suits their mum but not to have access for school stuff. I have just put my ex husbands fiancée on all of ours for our boy as it just means he had more of us fighting his corner and helping x

OP, it might not have felt it at the time but it sounds like OW did you favour to relieve you of a lying, cheating useless husband.

You’ve remarried and now have a supportive partner, if it wasn’t for her, you might still be with your ex.

Ask her why she wants access to the app. If it’s in your son’s interests that should override everything.

I know this is easier said than done but whether they’re married or not, she’s a significant person in your children’s life, might as well accept that and make the best of it.

Lookatyourwatchnow, I would say that it very much depends on the rp but it's a minority who expect the SM the SM to look after their kids. What most expect is the father who should parent rather than passing on the role to their partner.

Personally I would have had a serious issue if my ex's partner believed she had a role in parenting and passing on her values on my kids. Thankfully, she had no interest in doing so. She cared for them, showed interest but left all the parenting to him.

Of course this is usually an issue when parenting style differs, not just between the rp and sp but between father and his new partner with new partner making a mission to show him that he isn't parenting properly and she knows better.

@swingofthings but why would you have a 'serious issue' with your DC's SM having a role in parenting?

Just by virtue of the fact that they are an adult living in their home, they have a role and responsibilities to the DC. The DC will be impacted upon by the behaviour that they see from all of the adults who they live with, their lifestyle, their values etc. A SP lives in the same home as their SC, how can they NOT have some sort of parenting role?

If you don't expect your DC's SM to have a parenting role, do you not expect her to keep the house tidy, pay bills, make meals for the children, take them out anywhere, keep them safe, meet their day to day needs at ALL? Or is that sort of parenting ok with you, and you think that they should just have zero input into anything else?

I have to say, I cannot understand what there is to be gained for the DC by effectively banning me from helping them to do their homework. How does getting them to do their homework translate to me impressing my 'values' upon them?

This is why SP's can't win and often feel defeated.

do you not expect her to keep the house tidy, pay bills, make meals for the children, take them out anywhere, keep them safe, meet their day to day needs at ALL? Or is that sort of parenting ok with you, and you think that they should just have zero input into anything else?

That is all my ex’s responsibility. If my ex puts that onto his partner, that is not because I have agreed it or had any say in it. That’s his responsibility and if she doesn’t like it, she takes it up with him. And yes, I expect zero input into anything else. They are not her children, not her responsibility. They have two parents and don’t need any more.

@ohreallyohreallyoh well, how unrealistic. Everybody knows that DC have 2 parents and that SPs will never be the DC's parents. They have a role regardless, they are significant adults in the DC's life regardless. Of course they will pick up some of the day to day care, because that's what partners and families do. I can't imagine being in a position where my DP doesn't feed my DC or wash their clothes or tell them off because he 'isn't their parent, they have 2 parents and don't need any more'.

I was also coming on to post that the Education law (1996) has the most ridiculous definition of a parent - as a person who has care. It would cover half the country in that definition. She can argue very easily that she does have care (even if she doesnt actually do anything). I agree with pp that the school is wrong in this case.

I have a very similar situation (again child with SEN) whereby exH girlfriend turns up to parents evenings and is included in annual reviews etc. It is inappropriate - I wasnt asked at all if I minded or perhaps even more importantly the DC wasnt asked. In my situation I believe it to be down to controlling behaviour and entitlement.

I personally wouldn't have an issue with her having her own access. Regardless of what name you give it, she plays a part in your DC lives when they see their dad. My DP & I aren't married but damn right he is DDs stepdad. Marriage doesn't change what he is to her & what he does for us.

My issue would be the way she has done it. Behind your back, and again with a different email which sort of suggests ulterior to me. If they can't be grown up enough to say 'look X wants an account because...'and want to be sneaky, shut it down every time

they are significant adults

Not in my experience. My ex’s current partner stays out of the way when my children are there. She does stuff like cook for her own child in front of all the children but not give my children any. She once went off and bought ice cream for her child on a trip out and not my children. I should also point out that a) she doesn’t work and b) my ex pays no maintenance so in effect I subsidise her household. There is nothing ‘significant’ about her impact on my children’s lives, unless you include the bitching and nastiness about me.

I have never said she can’t tell off my children or anything else. It’s not up to me. My children are in the care of one of their parents, if he wants help, that’s on him. It is not my expectation that his partner helps or has any responsibility. I do not expect her to turn up at parent’s evenings or have one of the two tickets issued by the school for events. I don’t expect her to look after my children. I don’t ask my ex for swaps or changes to contact except in case of dire emergency. Because the children have 2, not 3 parents.

I think it massively depends on the situation!!! In my family although I am just a step parent I am a massive part of this family.
I am in a relationship with the resident parent and the nrp does not take an active role.
I care for and support the kids 100% and my dp and I work as a team!
I do not have any children of my own but I cook for, play with, help with homework, clean the house, all of my income goes to the family. My dss has severe SEN and learning disabilities and I attend all the meetings and am considered by the professionals as an important person. When I come home from work I do personal care and support a child that has very complex needs to give my dp a break. If I left everything to him that would be grossly unfair. He is human and needs help and support to raise his family. Like any other normal family unit?!
I get really upset how blinkered some posters can be about step parents!! Every situation is different and sometimes we really are as important as real parents. If my step children were sick I would be emergency contact 2 so if my dp couldn't go I would have to go and pick them up.
If they need new clothes it's just as much my responsibility to chip in for the cost.
I live with them and I chose to commit to their family because I love my dp and I want to do my best for his children. So yeah in our circumstance I would have an app and it would be completely pointless for mum to get cross because it's relevant for me to know.
I often sit with my dad to help her with homework, I'm also more academic than my dp who has dyslexia so it makes more sense for me to help if she wants me to.
I don't agree that the OP ex partner should have access to the app for the reasons OP has stated but for God's sake not all sm are evil conniving arsehole seriously!!

Just to clarify, ExH’s GF does NO childcare. DS does NOT get homework set via the app. It is purely for communication between his teacher and parents. My ExH (as much as I hate him) is an amazing dad to our DC. He does EVERYTHING for them himself and is very much on the ball with schoolwork, parents evenings, activities etc. His GF does not get involved in this herself and has absolutely no need for her own app. I believe she is using my SN child to facilitate her teaching degree and I am not happy about this.

Just to update regarding a resolution, school contacted my ExH. They made no mention of me or my complaint and just advised that each child is allowed a max. of two app accounts (1 per parent). This is how is has been left and thankfully ExH’s GF seems to have accepted that. I personally didn’t want to get involved as I believe she would have pushed the matter further just to annoy me. She is not a parent to my DC and personally I hope it stays that way.

Just as an aside, my youngest DC has an app based communications system for his school and neither ExH or GF have this. GF seems to have some weird fascination with my middle DC due to his SN. That in itself makes me extremely uncomfortable.

@ohreallyohreallyoh I don't think that your XP's partner's behaviour is representative of most SPs though. Her cooking for her own children but not her step children, and buying treats for her own children but not her step children, is horrible. If my DC had a SP like that, I wouldn't involve them in milestones for my DC either. Same with the SM described by the OP, their involvement doesn't come from a good place.

But there are lots of SP who DO have an active involvement, do the dogs work, make an effort. And it's a really difficult role to have as there seems to be an angry backlash no matter what you do.

look I wasn't actually meaning to imply that you couldn't / shouldn't have a role I. Just genuinely wondered why the child's parent wasn't finding out this info. As it happens I have to deal with the ow playing stepmum to my kids and its not something I like on one level.. She was complicit in the most damaging thing that could have happened to them so I find it hard to give any credence to her 'care' for them. However the reality is that my ex is utterly crap at some aspects of parenting and she probably does make their time away from me better than it would be with just him. I think step parents can play a fully involved role but equally I don't think it's fair to expect the RP to not feel something about it.. And I fucking hate that word 'bitter'. It's gaslighting as far as I am concerned. In my situation, if I express any negative views about ex, ow or the new set-up it is dismissed as 'bitterness', rather than a genuine concern. It may be the OP is overreacting to this particular issue but its an incredibly difficult dynamic for all concerned.

@HugeAckmansWife I didn't say bitter. It would grate on me if there was an OW involved in the day to day life of my child too.

I wanted the homework app as DP is not academic, and is a bit of a Disney dad who doesn't really make his DC do homework. I don't expect, and don't get, invites to parents evenings, shows etc. I don't get a say in any decisions about DSC. Fine. But I do think DP's XP is being unreasonable about the homework. The app literally just says what homework has been set. I would help DSC do it, but can't. This results in him not doing any homework as neither of his parents use the app or make him do homework. Their problem and their responsibility I suppose, but it's DSC who will suffer.

I can understand you not liking the situation as shes overstepping boundaries, and in a very rude way considering she knows you asked for the last account to be deleted.
However is it really worth the stress? Your ex has an account so any information on it can be seen by her anyway through his account whether or not she has her own log in.

As said by PPs SMS are often in impossible situations. My DH involved me in his DCs lives when I moved in with him. When they were with us we looked after them together. I was not the OW.

His ExW and he had different parenting styles to me and were much more relaxed, which I accepted. But when the DCs were teenagers they started to stay out at night with no info about where they were. I was concerned and was told not to interfere. DSC became surly and aggressive towards me and secretive to everyone, especially his DD. When I saw scars from cutting herself I became even more concerned. As did DH, finally, and he tried to discuss it with his ExW but was waved away with a ‘they all do this’.

Now it has emerged that his DD was being groomed by a guy we didn’t even know she was involved with. She is pursuing charges against him, it’s affected her uni course and she’s having counselling. According to ExW it’s all my fault as they met at a party we had when her groomer came along with some friends of ours.

ExW has also said I’m the reason she has three out of four ‘broken kids’. (Youngest DSS is totally different to his siblings and we have a good relationship).

She left my DH for another man, I didn’t meet DH until a year after their spilt and didn’t move in for 4 years. She was happy enough to use me for extra childcare during school holidays and other times when she knew DH wasn’t there but despite the children spending half as much time with them than she did, I’m the reason her kids are broken!

If she could have at least treated me with some respect as a significant person in her DCs lives I’m sure it would have helped them. Instead she refuses to address the root of the problem which is that she and my DH failed their DD.

My DP has realised he should have done a lot more and is trying to do better now, but it’s all rather too little too late. His DD refuses to see him, ignores all his texts and calls, and his middle DS is barely speaking to him. The eldest DS is a bit on and off. In contact when he wants something and totally absent the rest of the time. It’s all so sad.

I'm really lucky - my partners ex wife is more than happy for me to have an input into her little girls life.
We had a rocky start, I've been with my OH 4 and a half years, but have recently (in the last 10 months) have become quite close to BM.
She willingly gave me the school login (I didn't ask) and 99% of the communication goes between her and I.
She invited me to parents evening, and a couple of weeks ago I dropped off my Sd school uniform to her (as we have sd eow and on a weds night and I do school pick up/drop off if my OH is working) so I washed and ironed her school stuff and took it round, she invited me in for coffee and we had a good chat.
It's not always been this way so I really do appreciate it, and we chat via text most days now.
She appreciates that on some of our weekends my OH works so I take care of SD on my own.
She has a partner and she always says that sd has 4 parents.
My oh made a bit of a balls up in our relationship a while ago - and she was a big support to me which I never would have imagined a few years ago (all is fine now btw )
Hopefully things will get easier for you.
I think it depends on the relationship you have with ex etc.
I'm a bm too and my exh new OH absolutely hates me, don't know why as I'm more than happy that she has a relationship with my 2 sons.
I think it's just a case that it's different strokes for different folks.
She shouldn't be creating logins for you ds without your permission too - that's territory that she shouldn't cross especially if she's only doing it to be petty.
I see this as a SM and BM.
I just hope it gets easier for you.