My 14 yo stepdaughter has refused to see me and her Dad for three years until yesterday and she arrived telling me it’s my fault because “I’ve ruined her relationship with her Dad”... please read!

[Sunshineyday27]

Hello,
My husband and I have been married for five years and have a four year old son. Initially I got on really well with my stepdaughter until she started pushing the boundaries when she stayed with us... would always ignore me, refer to me as “she” and “her” in third person as if I wasn’t actually there etc. It happened over a period of about sixth months and me being eight months pregnant at this stage, I turned to her and said “who is she? And asked my husband to address this as I was really hurt by this behaviour”. Ok I was probably massively tired being pregnant too but it was really weighing me down.

My stepdaughter was only staying every other weekend as had been the case since she was two years old.

Cut to a year after this event and she started ignoring my husband, wouldn’t answer his calls or texts. My husbands mother then got involved and went over to see her granddaughter to have a “meeting” with her granddaughter and the ex and I was then told by his mum that it was my fault that I’d not accepted my stepdaughter and that I was always picking on her etc etc which was not the case.

Anyway after being in our new house for three years she has this week decided she wanted to come and stay. We had two days notice and have since turned her room into abit of a dumping ground with all the stuff we haven’t unpacked etc. When she got here she went straight to “her” room, saw that it wasn’t her room now in her eyes (she hasn’t stayed for three years or being in much contact) then FaceTimes her mother in tears.

My husband jumps in and starts talking to our daughter/stepdaughter and she screams at me “I hate you, you’ve ruined my relationship with my Dad, you are so childish I hate your personality”.

My husband was really good here and stepped in. We had a really long chat all together about marriage, the change of dynamic etc etc but it’s clear she hates my guts and is with her grandmother on this that I’m the evil stepmother who hasn’t accepted her etc etc.

Me and my mother in law have our own difficult relationship because I’m the Christian girl that married her Jewish son!

It feels like my stepdaughter is giving my husband an ultimatum. Her and my husband... or nothing at all?????

I’ve not slept for two days stressing about this! Any advice welcome thank you xxx

@headhurtstoomuch you obviously have issues with your personal situations. The op has done nothing wrong. You can not force a child into your house especially when the ex is not supportive. It's not rejection, it's a spoilt child in my eyes. Yes it's sad and you want the relationship rekindled. There is no excuse for the child's behaviour for blaming op. No excuse. A hold house can not be turned up side down on the child's demand, she has to be understanding too!

There’s a toxic history here OP that is difficult to untangle. You and your SD are in the middle of it, and three years is a long time to not be in regular contact with her father.

If, as I assume, you were not mean or excluding of her in the first instance, then something really crap happened between both her parents in the last few years. Her Dad did not insist and make happen regular contact. And her Mum allowed her daughter to make an adult decision, when she was just a child. Her mum and in laws damaged the poor girl by hyping up her insecurities and putting their own resentments to form a toxic alliance. It’s parental alienation of her father, by excluding you they put him and SD in an impossible position.

So the room is the least of it.

However it could be time for a semi fresh start. The girl has made the first move, in a clumsy emotional way. She won’t get far by putting you down. It’s tough as you’ve probably been putting all this to the back of your mind OP. However she is his daughter and it is good that they have a relationship. You must be open to this however hard it is.

Having your own room at both parents house is important. Teens especially, spend a lot of time in their bedrooms. It's their personal space.

If they don't have that at both homes, they can feel like visitors.

When my DB was getting divorced, I advised him to ensure the DC had their own rooms in any house he bought and that they were involved in choosing furnishings....because it needed to feel like home to them...or they may be reluctant to stay over.

He followed my advice and all his DC actually prefer their rooms in his house and will go over even when he's out of town and it's just their SM there.

@Fayyyyyyyyyyy - have you actually read what the OP wrote? The fact she didn't come back to clarify many of the valid points raised speaks volumes.

I will always emphasise with any child, and yes at 14 she is still a child, who for whatever reason has either been cut off or cut herself off from her dad. It should never get to that stage and it's for the adults in the family to take charge and reach an agreement.

I agree with you that the household shouldn't be held hostage but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

It’s been 3 years and she’s his daughter. Why didn’t your dh take the two days off work and clear the room? He should apologise to her for not having done that.

It is tough being a step-parent. She naturally was worried when a new sibling was o the way and tbh I don't think you and your DH handled it v well. She's still a child, and certainly was then. She was worried and feeling pushed out and could not articulate how she was feeling.

You need to be the bigger person here. Sort her room, use clever storage solutions and furniture if you need the space the rest of the time so that when she is visiting it is completely hers and she has a place in your family: after all it is where her dad and brother live!
What's done is done, but you can all move forward in a better way and come out of it all much closer. She will always have her Mum and Granny whispering in her ear if you are perceived as the interloper by them, but you can be responsible for how you behave towards her. Blended families are hard. But you must keep trying to engage because, present or not, she is a part of your blended family. Good luck OP.

@headhurtstoomuch I have read the post which is why I replied 🙄 In fact I read many post that were unsupportive and nasty to someone that wanted a bit of advice to make a situation better, which is probably why she didn't come back. Those that have attacked this woman e.g by calling her vile should be ashamed of themselves. At the end of the day there is knyy so much you can do and we don't know the ins and outs from one post. But surely it's obvious that it you have an ex and mother in law that are so negative and unsupportive situation most likely speaking inappropriately to a child about a situation like this, it makes the situation ten times worse and more complicated, there for blaming the op and her husband for the actions of a child who is influenced by a negative mother and nan is outrageous.
I think if anything you're response to the op reflected your own feelings about your own past and in no way did you post to be helpful in the op situation.