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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My 14 yo stepdaughter has refused to see me and her Dad for three years until yesterday and she arrived telling me it’s my fault because “I’ve ruined her relationship with her Dad”... please read!

132 replies

Sunshineyday27 · 09/08/2018 21:53

Hello,
My husband and I have been married for five years and have a four year old son. Initially I got on really well with my stepdaughter until she started pushing the boundaries when she stayed with us... would always ignore me, refer to me as “she” and “her” in third person as if I wasn’t actually there etc. It happened over a period of about sixth months and me being eight months pregnant at this stage, I turned to her and said “who is she? And asked my husband to address this as I was really hurt by this behaviour”. Ok I was probably massively tired being pregnant too but it was really weighing me down.

My stepdaughter was only staying every other weekend as had been the case since she was two years old.

Cut to a year after this event and she started ignoring my husband, wouldn’t answer his calls or texts. My husbands mother then got involved and went over to see her granddaughter to have a “meeting” with her granddaughter and the ex and I was then told by his mum that it was my fault that I’d not accepted my stepdaughter and that I was always picking on her etc etc which was not the case.

Anyway after being in our new house for three years she has this week decided she wanted to come and stay. We had two days notice and have since turned her room into abit of a dumping ground with all the stuff we haven’t unpacked etc. When she got here she went straight to “her” room, saw that it wasn’t her room now in her eyes (she hasn’t stayed for three years or being in much contact) then FaceTimes her mother in tears.

My husband jumps in and starts talking to our daughter/stepdaughter and she screams at me “I hate you, you’ve ruined my relationship with my Dad, you are so childish I hate your personality”.

My husband was really good here and stepped in. We had a really long chat all together about marriage, the change of dynamic etc etc but it’s clear she hates my guts and is with her grandmother on this that I’m the evil stepmother who hasn’t accepted her etc etc.

Me and my mother in law have our own difficult relationship because I’m the Christian girl that married her Jewish son!

It feels like my stepdaughter is giving my husband an ultimatum. Her and my husband... or nothing at all?????

I’ve not slept for two days stressing about this! Any advice welcome thank you xxx

OP posts:
swingofthings · 10/08/2018 10:13

I feel really uncomfortable when someone takes the courage to share how they feel with the person who they feel have let them down, and instead of being listened to and have their feelings acknowledge, they are told you are wrong and you should just not be feeling as you do. It's hard enough as an adult, let alone a child.

The minimum we owe our children is to listen to their cry for help, and even if we don't agree with the reasons for them to feel the way they do, at least acknowledging that they least we can do. Nothing wrong with something along the line 'I hear you, you are upset with X, Y and Z, and you feel you have been rejected. I promise you that there is no intention to reject you from me or SM, but if that's how you feel, then something needs to be done so you don't feel like this any longer'.

Then go from there, agree compromises, talk and listen, and listen and talk.

Quartz2208 · 10/08/2018 10:16

OP you havent accepted her though have you - and your husband is in agreement with that

Pushing boundaries is what 9/10 year olds do. As time has gone on she has clearly grown up and matured and gave it a go and you were childish and didnt bother so she is indeed right

Bibidy · 10/08/2018 10:30

I agree doing the room up nicely is a good idea.

I think others are probably right that your SD felt stressed about the new baby and took it out on you, and your DH didn't take the best steps to comfort her and protect you. She ended up feeling unimportant and you ended up at the end of your tether.

I think the best thing you can do once you've sorted the room is do some family activities including her, day trips, cinema, picnics etc. Anything the four of you can all do together that will allow her to feel part of the family, and also get to know her little brother who she obviously hasn't spent much time with. If they can form a bond, it might help the situation massively.

I do think she should get some time alone with her dad as well, but would say that the family element is so important as well as she's clearly already made you the villain. If her re-entry to your family is solely time spent with her dad, it will probably just reinforce her view that you were the issue because she and her dad are fine when you're not around.

I feel for you OP, not an easy situation to be in. Your DH could have done better by both you and your SD here x

SebastianCrab · 10/08/2018 12:12

@swingofthings I wasn't meaning that this IS the case that she's being poisoned... I'm saying from the OPs point of view that's what's happening... And my point was that if indeed that WAS the case then she's proving them right with her reaction.

Should have worded better. Stand by the rest of the post though:

Original poster
Sunshineyday27 · 10/08/2018 18:44

To throw a spanner in the works, what do you do if you are expecting another baby and you only have three bedrooms in your house?!?

OP posts:
gillybeanz2 · 10/08/2018 18:53

Your children share a room and sd has the smallest room as not there as often.
Or you could move to a house that accomodates all your children.
Or don't have more when you can't manage the ones you have.

Original poster
Sunshineyday27 · 10/08/2018 18:58

Even if SD is here every other weekend for one night?

OP posts:
SisterNotCisTerf · 10/08/2018 19:02

Well what else do you suggest OP?

Kelsoooo · 10/08/2018 19:11

I wouldn’t worry OP, the way you’re going the SD won’t be around by the time her second replacement arrives,

lunar1 · 10/08/2018 19:11

Because of course it's normal for your Husband to go on having children when he's not seen his dd in three years. She gets a fucking room!

Oswin · 10/08/2018 19:11

It will be easier for you sd to have the smallest room alone because of the age difference.
What would you prefer?

Quartz2208 · 10/08/2018 19:14

OP yes - you should have sorted this years ago because however much you dont like it she is your husbands daughter and she is part of the family

Your posts reveal that there is some truth in her belief it is your fault with your atttitude and it will lose your husband his daughter

Gazelda · 10/08/2018 19:20

It's a shame you and DH didn't resolve the difficulties with his DD before extending your family. The poor girl is quite obviously an inconvenience.

lapenguin · 10/08/2018 19:24

There's no reason your kids can't share... Or buy a bigger house

SisterNotCisTerf · 10/08/2018 19:28

It’s quite unfortunate timing isn’t it. Just as she decides to try and restart her relationship with her dad he’ll tell her he’s having another baby and all those awful feelings will flood straight back to her. This will be so difficult. I’m not sure you’ll be able to keep her involved tbh.

MrsMotherHen · 10/08/2018 19:40

this poor little girl! so she is getting shoved away already again! Yes she should get the smaller room and your two youngest should share for now She might want to come over more when they build the relationship back up and if it feels more like a home to her this will be easier for her to do. Thats how it should feel and should be her home aswell.

I have a feeling this poor girl will be thrown into the living room sofa as her bed!

Whats your DH think about it all?

lapenguin · 10/08/2018 19:42

Now could be the time to get what went wrong beforehand, right.
Don't tell her until you have your scan, this gives you all time to rebuild the relationship, then if everything is going okay then maybe book a private scan for her to come along to, then go out for a meal and then go shopping for bedroom stuff for her. Ask for her opinion on names and outfits to buy. Spend time with her. Your dh and her one on one, her sibling with her one on one, you with her one on one. Do stuff she will enjoy.
And fgs when you tell her about it tell her that this baby, nor the first one, are a replacement for her. You were all hurting when she stopped contact, but are happy she is back and that she is welcome whenever as it is her home too.

MrsMotherHen · 10/08/2018 19:44

Try make her involved with new baby as much as possible. Maybe ask her to come shopping with you and pick some new clothes or baby bits for their new brother or sister.

You honestly dont seem to care about her shes just a child it seems as if shes an inconvenience to you.

Faerie87 · 10/08/2018 20:26

Hey OP I have a similar situation that you were in 3 years ago. Fortunately we have not lost contact with my partners daughter.

I have just had a baby she is 2 months old now and I have to say that the time during the pregnancy was the most strained when it came to my DSD, I think all kids like to push your buttons wether they be your own or your step children and they like to see how far they can test your limits, that coupled with being pregnant where you’re dealing with hormones, anxiety and just generally feeling like crap can really make you have a short fuse and when it comes to a child that is not biologically yours it can be really difficult! So I understand where you are coming from there.

That being said The reason it was strained during my pregnancy with her was she kept telling me I was not allowed to talk about the baby and she hated me because she did not want to have a brother or sister, I was also feeling really bad because at one point I thought I was going to lose the baby and it did cause a bit of resentment on my part, which I know now is bad as I’m the adult and she is the child, but when you’re hormonal and worried you’re really not at your best, however in spite of this, we always made time for one another, and she always had time a lone with her dad.

It’s also hard dealing with an ex partner who you suspect is turning the child against you. All I can say when it comes to that is do the opposite of what they are saying, that way they look like the liar, for example if they have said to the child “your step mother hates you and your half siblings are your replacements” then do everything you can to show her that is not true! That’s what we have done both my partner and I but it’s an ongoing thing.

My DSD also has her own room in our place even though she is only here part of the time, if we were to have another baby they would share rather than kicking DSD out of her room.

Also you have to think if she is 14 now in a few years time she probably won’t want to spend anytime with you guys (ie going to uni or just generally being a young adult) and at that point you can give your young children their own room. That’s what I would do, that way she feels included.

I really know how difficult it is, I also know we are only human you can’t change things that are in the past but what you do in the future can potentially salvage yours and your husbands relationship with your DSD and believe me there is a lot of tongue biting involved but you do have to be the bigger person and try your best to make her feel included and potentially take some of her teenage strops on the chin!

Good luck

Xx

Ullupullu · 10/08/2018 20:38

No one seems to have spelled out the obvious, that this girl has not been 14 for 4 years? She was ten/eleven when you married her dad and got pregnant. Such an impressionable age. Teenagers need support at such a formative time, not ostracizing. Try to see it from her POV op. Can't believe you made her sleep in the lounge?!

Hayles88 · 10/08/2018 21:15

Oh that poor girl. She's such an inconvenience to you isn't she. No wonder she acts and feels how she does.

Faithless12 · 10/08/2018 21:31

@lunar1🙌

PrincessMargaret · 10/08/2018 22:29

I was there once 😢 She was there first. She's not being poisoned or a drama queen. She wants to know her dad still loves her the same as he did before. You are not helping. Apologise to her and sort her room. Make her feel welcome. Of course she is hard work - she is 14. It's a horrible mixed up time for most 14 yos without this on top.

NorthernLurker · 10/08/2018 22:48

Why are you having another child when you have such a distressed and high needs child already? Would it be because it's all about you and what you want and your stepchilds needs are irrelevant to you?

You want to know why she's so difficult? Look in the mirror. That's all there is to it.

Hayles88 · 10/08/2018 22:58

@PrincessMargaret me to. It ruined mine and my dads relationship and now after having to go NC (for my own sanity) i'm pretty sure he's dead but I have no idea.

I really hope you're ok and it hasn't caused any long lasting random issues with you as it has me. It wasn't our fault, we were the young innocent ones who should have been looked after and protected, its taken a lot of counselling to stop blaming myself for how my step mum and my father were. Ah, honestly I just hope you're ok. All the best :)

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