My 14 yo stepdaughter has refused to see me and her Dad for three years until yesterday and she arrived telling me it’s my fault because “I’ve ruined her relationship with her Dad”... please read!

[Sunshineyday27]

Hello,
My husband and I have been married for five years and have a four year old son. Initially I got on really well with my stepdaughter until she started pushing the boundaries when she stayed with us... would always ignore me, refer to me as “she” and “her” in third person as if I wasn’t actually there etc. It happened over a period of about sixth months and me being eight months pregnant at this stage, I turned to her and said “who is she? And asked my husband to address this as I was really hurt by this behaviour”. Ok I was probably massively tired being pregnant too but it was really weighing me down.

My stepdaughter was only staying every other weekend as had been the case since she was two years old.

Cut to a year after this event and she started ignoring my husband, wouldn’t answer his calls or texts. My husbands mother then got involved and went over to see her granddaughter to have a “meeting” with her granddaughter and the ex and I was then told by his mum that it was my fault that I’d not accepted my stepdaughter and that I was always picking on her etc etc which was not the case.

Anyway after being in our new house for three years she has this week decided she wanted to come and stay. We had two days notice and have since turned her room into abit of a dumping ground with all the stuff we haven’t unpacked etc. When she got here she went straight to “her” room, saw that it wasn’t her room now in her eyes (she hasn’t stayed for three years or being in much contact) then FaceTimes her mother in tears.

My husband jumps in and starts talking to our daughter/stepdaughter and she screams at me “I hate you, you’ve ruined my relationship with my Dad, you are so childish I hate your personality”.

My husband was really good here and stepped in. We had a really long chat all together about marriage, the change of dynamic etc etc but it’s clear she hates my guts and is with her grandmother on this that I’m the evil stepmother who hasn’t accepted her etc etc.

Me and my mother in law have our own difficult relationship because I’m the Christian girl that married her Jewish son!

It feels like my stepdaughter is giving my husband an ultimatum. Her and my husband... or nothing at all?????

I’ve not slept for two days stressing about this! Any advice welcome thank you xxx

White cat.... yes.. this

hm she does sound a bit spoilt and demanding tbh. OK the room thing,. but she doesn't get to scream and shout and cry really does she?It does sound as though she might be being 'fed' by the other adults in her life doesn't it?

By fed do you mean poisoned by the mother she was FaceTiming?

After your helpful advice yokatsu I’m emailing an interior designer as we speak

yes.

My mum seems to think my husbands mother and the ex are allies and poisoning my sd mind. It would seem that way from the FaceTiming

Since when teenage drama queens get to "test" their fathers?

Since kids (and adults) who are anxious or nervous often do their damnest to be akward buggers. They do it to see if you're still going to be there for them whether you still care. When you reject the "teenage drama queens". youve kinda proved them right you dont really care. When you're the resident parent with care you cant "detach," because theres noone else picking up the pieces.

But then if you don't get it, it is probably best for the child your involvement is limited

Im not sure they need to do much poisoning...

I mean sure a room could get cleared in a night, but if you have a toddler and work you can't spend all night clearing a room. It's also not unreasonable to have used the room for storage over the three years if it's been needed.
Maybe when she asked to stay it would have been good to say that the room needs some work, so it will be movies and a 'sleepover' in the living room where you can plan how to decorate the room.
Tbf it doesn't sound like it was actually her room yet as she hasn't been there? More of a would be her room.
She does sound like a handful and it seems to have stemmed from when you were pregnant. It's hard to know whether to try harder or pull away in those circumstances.
Start trying to declutter the room so she has somewhere nice to stay if she decides to come again.
Do you know why her parents split? Is her mother with someone else? There could be a lot of bitterness from her mother? Could someone have told her she would be pushed aside with a new baby coming?

You got pregnant, she felt threatened and you and your DP did nothing to reassure her and make her feel comfortable with the changing situation.

I think every blended family knows the arrival of new children is a difficult time - sounds like you two did not sort this out. To blame it on a childs reaction to a major change in her life which her parent did not deal with correctly - is a bit harsh.

take it is spot on.

& why can't you understand that in her eyes dad's got a new wife and new child now - brand new family - & she panicked that she'd be left out, that she no longer matters.

It doesn't mean she has to be rude, but her feelings matter too.

I'd be surprised if her dad spends any one-to-one time with her.The screaming shouting behaviour is her seeking his attention, and being angry with you that you're getting all his attention (in her eyes).

If they never have alone time - as in, you're always there - then her unpleasant behaviour is understandable.

Your H could have cleared the room.

I was then told by his mum that it was my fault that I’d not accepted my stepdaughter and that I was always picking on her etc etc which was not the case.
Actually your SD showed some insight in what she told you, she said she didn't like your personality, so even though you might consider that you did nothing wrong, never picked on her, she clearly clashed with your as a person as your SM seems to be doing to. That's two people, yet you seem absolutely confident that you did nothing wrong and that it was all her fault.

It wasn't for you to sort out her bedroom, your OH should have done so and he should have known how important it was to do that before she came.

In the end, SP and children don't have to fall in love with each other as their parents do, but it is very sad that your OH seemed to have accepted the situation and made no efforts to keep a relationship with his child. He had one chance to make it ok and yet couldn't be bothered to sort out her room. Frankly, it sounds like he doesn't care much for her and that is likely to be how she feels anyway.

I was your stepdaughter once. I now have a great relationship with my stepmother who I love and respect.
She was clearly hurt by the way I treated her but she let it go as much as she could. And she kept trying. Kept helping me when I needed it.
I felt like I hated her but I just blamed her for changing my family. A lot of it is insecurity. The room thing has always really upset me - feeling like I don't have a place. I'd say start there. Make her room really really nice (you do it not your DH) and then get her round, apologise for not doing it before and show her it). She might not act grateful but it'll mean a lot and give her security. That's my tuppence worth for what it's worth.

@whitecat it’s obvious that the daughter felt she was being replaced. We also only have the SM account for what happened. Maybe the daughter wanted time with her DF and to feel like she belonged there. We don’t know exactly what the trigger was for the daughter to stop contact as even according to the OP it was a year after the incident mentioned.
Then she is persuaded to try again (I don’t believe she would decide after three years without someone pushing for it) and turns up to find yes she had been replaced, by rubbish.

OP you’ve had three years to get rid of unopened boxes. Try seeing it from your SD’s eyes, this should also be her home. What was her dad doing during the time she refused to see him? Did he send birthday cards? Write to her to say how much he missed her?

I think DMIL and DEx are probably contributing to DSDs turmoil -which the OP cannot do anything about. DSd will always be about so the sooner you can build bridges (as you are the adult) the better for you and your DS. And of course DSd too.
14 is a nightmare age. If you can hang in there in a year or twos time she will be s different person with her main interests outside the home. DH needs to support you as much as possible in winning her round.

I think it might have been wise to warn your DSD about the state of the bedroom. Did she sleep on the sofa? - you mention the lounge.

You need to communicate with openness.

The child is projecting her mum and grans views after being poisoned by them... but your response is to act as if they're correct.

The kid is angry / insecure for whatever reason and you're pulling away and rejecting her - that's proving them right!

Slap a smile on it, have patience, take the moral high ground and be nice as pie to her. Disengage a bit, and don't push too much. Let her come to you, make it clear that you'll be there if / when she needs you, but you won't force the issue. That's going to have more chance of having the result of her thinking "Actually the way Sunshineyday acts around me in reality isn't at all like what mum says... why do they say nasty things about her? She's never been anything but nice to me"

The child is projecting her mum and grans views after being poisoned by them
How could you genuinely know that? Honestly? People always go on about ex's projecting their views, but how is this any different?

We can't possibly know why the SD feels the way she does, except that she told OP that she didn't like her personality.

Maybe, just maybe, OP did act like in a way that was rejecting her SD and her OH went with it because he so wanted a happy family where everyone loves each other, this being done consciously or not.

We really don't know, all we do know is that there is a 14yo, who used to have a close relationship with her dad, but one year after the birth of her sibling decided to cut ties with her dad and believes that it was because of her SM. She then tried to make contact again and again felt unwelcome.

It's amazing what a bed can mean to a teenager. My teenagers always commented on how happy they were to be back from their dad, not because they missed me, but because they missed their bed and bedroom!

After 3 years of no contact, was it really such a task to clear the room so that she felt welcome, in not in the heart of her dad/SM, at least in what she considered her room for a start? Not blaming OP, it wasn't for her to think of that but her OH, the father who gave up on seeing his DD for 3 years?

I tho knit may be sensible to talk to the DSD and ask that as a family you all move on. As parents ask her how she wants her room decorated and perhaps get her involved with this. It must have been hard for her to make the leap to come and stay, and if it were me
I'd be a bit upset my bedroom had been used as a storage room, albeit as an adult I'd know that it's probably the only option. Maybe invest in a storage shed for old stuff that is for storage only and make her room lovey and just try to work as a family unit

She'll be hurting too, I can guarantee it

I tho knit may be sensible to talk to the DSD and ask that as a family you all move on
Not so sensible if she doesn't feel one bit part of the family, which after 3 years of no contact is probably is how she feels. The priority needs to be her and her dad rebuilding their relationship. When/if this happens successfully, then her dad can reintroduce the notion of family, having had the chance to understand her feelings and why she felt excluded to the point of wanting no contact.

Personally, I suspect that episode was her trying to make an effort because she desperately misses her dad, and the failure to do the simplest thing is only going to ratify her feelings of exclusion and indeed decide that she is better off without him. I do hope not though, it's very sad.

I say that as an ex whose one DC has decided to stop all contact with their dad and SM. It breaks my hear and NOT at all what I want. It was his decision though and I totally understand it from their position. I did see it coming, I did warn their dad, he ignored me, and now is heartbroken by the outcome. If only he could have thought for one second about the needs of his child rather than his own.

The bedroom will have been a kick to the guts for her tbh. 3 years of not seeing her dad and then she built up the courage to ask to come back, knowing she would have to explain herself and that it would be an awkward situation. If the room wasn’t going to be ready for her it should have been explained at the time she asked to come, not left for her to discover on arrival. That was thoughtless/careless of her father.

I can't see why all the clutter couldn't have just been dumped in your own room, to be sorted properly later on. If I'd not had a relationship with my child for 3 years , I'd move the earth for them if they wanted to come back. I can't understand why your husband couldn't do this in two days.

I think the issue here is that you dealt with it very badly when you were pregnant and she was feeling unloved at 9 and then you let it settle.

So from her perspective she is stuck in the 9 year old mindset of feeling abandoned

You and your husband should have tried to do something - why on earth have you let it get this bad. And then when she wanted to come and stay you did not try to clear out her room - why

It is you and your husband fault it has gotten this far and it does seem like you dont want her - you left it years and would have left it longer until she had a change of heart. You then had time to make her feel welcome and you didnt

I agree you should sort her room make it a really nice space for her pintrest will give you plenty ideas. Really go over the top to show your making the effort feeling left out of a new family feels very shit am speaking from expereince.

I was replaced by a new sibling with my dad thats how It felt and still does 20 years later.

I’m not sure why you’re posting OP.

It might be useful to empathise with your partners child. And many people have stated that it seems obvious why she’s upset.

I think given some sensitivity from the adults in this situation then the relationship is salvageable. But I’m not really sensing much sensitivity from your posts.