My 14 yo stepdaughter has refused to see me and her Dad for three years until yesterday and she arrived telling me it’s my fault because “I’ve ruined her relationship with her Dad”... please read!

[Sunshineyday27]

Hello,
My husband and I have been married for five years and have a four year old son. Initially I got on really well with my stepdaughter until she started pushing the boundaries when she stayed with us... would always ignore me, refer to me as “she” and “her” in third person as if I wasn’t actually there etc. It happened over a period of about sixth months and me being eight months pregnant at this stage, I turned to her and said “who is she? And asked my husband to address this as I was really hurt by this behaviour”. Ok I was probably massively tired being pregnant too but it was really weighing me down.

My stepdaughter was only staying every other weekend as had been the case since she was two years old.

Cut to a year after this event and she started ignoring my husband, wouldn’t answer his calls or texts. My husbands mother then got involved and went over to see her granddaughter to have a “meeting” with her granddaughter and the ex and I was then told by his mum that it was my fault that I’d not accepted my stepdaughter and that I was always picking on her etc etc which was not the case.

Anyway after being in our new house for three years she has this week decided she wanted to come and stay. We had two days notice and have since turned her room into abit of a dumping ground with all the stuff we haven’t unpacked etc. When she got here she went straight to “her” room, saw that it wasn’t her room now in her eyes (she hasn’t stayed for three years or being in much contact) then FaceTimes her mother in tears.

My husband jumps in and starts talking to our daughter/stepdaughter and she screams at me “I hate you, you’ve ruined my relationship with my Dad, you are so childish I hate your personality”.

My husband was really good here and stepped in. We had a really long chat all together about marriage, the change of dynamic etc etc but it’s clear she hates my guts and is with her grandmother on this that I’m the evil stepmother who hasn’t accepted her etc etc.

Me and my mother in law have our own difficult relationship because I’m the Christian girl that married her Jewish son!

It feels like my stepdaughter is giving my husband an ultimatum. Her and my husband... or nothing at all?????

I’ve not slept for two days stressing about this! Any advice welcome thank you xxx

It wouldn't occur to a 14 year old that her father couldn't clear out her room in 2 days. It's hard as an adult to imagine a room so stuffed that an adult man couldn't clear it out in 2 days. (How much stuff was there? Could it not been shoved into your room/garage/loft? )

While you shouldn't have been the target of her (and MIL's) anger, your h really dropped the ball when she started showing her feelings of insecurity. She couldn't articulate them clearly but as an outsider, it's clear that she needed her father to make things right for her. You are an easy target to blame because she thinks that the truth will cause her Dad to reject her.

Did your h communicate with her over those 3 years? Of course a child would have imagined the room to have paused in time while she was absent. The first time you return home after you move out, you notice what has stayed the same and what has changed. A dumping ground so bad that a man can't clear it out in 2 nights must have been a slap in the face for her. Didn't her Dad or you soften the blow? You could have used gentler words like "work in progress" or even locked the door claiming to want to surprise her next time.

Number one you have not done anything wrong. All these people commenting and criminalising you for having emotions and difficulties with this obviously have no personal experience in this area. I would say you and the step daughter have to try and find some common ground, she needs to be respectful to you and if she is not willing to then she has made a decision. You have a child you need to make sure is not going to suffer due to this situation and to you that child should come first.
Encourage the relationship between her and your husband but children need to be disciplined and her being disrespectful to you needs to be stamped out before anything else. Make her feel welcome but establish some ground rules. You and your husband need to agree on what that includes. Let them cultivate there relationship and try to cultivate your relationship with her. Being a step parent is hard and only other step parents will know what it feels like. Good luck and I hope everything works out!

After reading a lot of people’s responses to the OP I feel a lot of people are very judgemental and extremely rude with their responses!

My step daughter has her own room at our house but my partner has worked hard in order for her to have that, and I also work damn hard too in order to contribute as well as my parents very kindly giving money for a deposit. If they did not do that we would not have been able to afford a house where that could be done and my step daughter would have had to go without and bunk up with her half sister or sleep on a sofa bed, and to be fair as she has her own room at her mums she honestly would not mind if that was the case!

I think it’s extremely unfair to expect a room for a step child who only stays at a house one or twice a month, where it can be afforded and is not detriment to other children staying there or to the financial stability to that household then yes give them a room! But to expect a room even at the expense of other people in that household is extremely entitled and It won’t do those children any favours in the future when they get out into the real world!

As a previous poster has said she had to sleep on a sofa bed when she stayed at her dads and did not feel any less part of the family because of that!

Where has this expectation come from that non resident parents have the ability to crap money?

You might also say “well they shouldn’t have any more kids if they can’t afford the ones they have got!” Well in my opinion that’s a very selfish and entitled thing to say. You can’t ask a man or his new partner wife who contribute to a household jointly to put their lives on hold for the sake of a child who stays once or twice a month! That’s bang out of order and by having that attitude and giving your children that attitude you will be raising a generation of entitled brats who will have no way to handle life in the real world!

Sorry if I sound harsh but reading some of these posts vilifying the op and her oh make me really mad!

Cant you see its about having a bedroom to sleep in. A permanant bed. Doesnt mean it had to be a room for her only.

Not having a permanant bed for your child is awful parenting.

Jesus christ. Its not putting your life on hold for some kid who visits. Fucks sake.
God anyone who views their child like that needs to be kept away from them.

Would you tell your kids from now on they have to sleep on a camp bed in the living room?

To throw a spanner in the works, what do you do if you are expecting another baby and you only have three bedrooms in your house?!?

If you have a boy, the two boys share and SD gets the smallest room. If you have a girl, the baby and SD share the bigger room and boy gets the smaller room on his own.

2 days should have been enough to make her room look presentable. More of an effort should have been made to say to her that the room wasn't done as you were waiting for her input.

Her father should have made more of an effort because it's our job as parents to keep going back.

Since kids (and adults) who are anxious or nervous often do their damnest to be akward buggers. They do it to see if you're still going to be there for them whether you still care. When you reject the "teenage drama queens". youve kinda proved them right you dont really care.

Well I was never a step-mother, but gosh this rings a bell with me. That was how my teenage dd would behave at times. But when they realise that you have their backs even when they are at their most obnoxious, the attitude changes.

That poor kid. Your husband only ever had his daughter one night every other week, and the minute she got difficult (when she very understandably was upset that he was having a new kid that he was going to live with every day) he bailed on her totally. Then when he finally had the chance to see her again, he rejected her and treated her like crap!

Has she ever actually stayed in your current house? If not, it was never her room to begin with so I can completely understand how the spare room became a dumping ground. Two days is definitely not long enough to clear it for her especially if it was during the week.

Re the new baby, congratulations! If she's only there every other weekend there's no way I'd want a room empty for 26 days a month whilst 2 other DC had to share. That said you could keep baby in with you for the first couple of years. Any chance of moving to a bigger place in a few years? If that's not possible, I think you're in a really difficult situation. A teenager isn't going to want to share a room with a toddler / young child but equally it's not reasonable to have a room empty most of the month. Not sure what to suggest tbh.

@Faerie87 has it spot on!

If one of your bedrooms is big enough what you could do is get one of those bunk beds with one of those pull out sofa / double bed things on the bottom. Then when she's not there the DC she's sharing with can put it back into the sofa and have more room.

Run and fast. Sd will only get worse

Some kid who visits??? Don’t think anyone on this board has used that phrase @Oswin

Of course DSC are important and if a room is available and free for them then of course it should be made available, however, if by giving the DSC their own room it’s putting the non resident parents in a bad financial situation or it means that other DC have to share when it’s not appropriate (ie brother and sister) then of course the DSC who is only there 2-4 days out of 28 would have to either bunk up with a sibling or use a pull out bed.

My DSD has her own room at our house, we also have a two month old, over the summer she has often CHOSEN to stay with my partners mum (due to two month old being up a lot at night hence me posting at this hour!) my partners mothers house is more familiar to DSD as my partner lived with his mum after getting back on his feet financially after the split with DSD mother, but at his mums house there is no room dedicated to DSD and she sleeps in my partners old room that currently is used as a guest bedroom as well.

When I was younger I never had my own room either I shared with my sister, and since I moved out that bedroom has been turned into a gym by my parents! Am I mad about that? Hell no! I moved out, moved on. If I ever have to move back in with my mum and dad they would make space available but they could not do it on two days notice and they’re both retired!

What I am saying and it’s probably a generation thing if I had acted the way OP’s DSD had acted I would have probably been labelled an entitled brat. Her father and OP got a sofa bed ready for her for her initial visit and have a view to get a room ready for her in the future (I know what utter selfish bastards!) I don’t see a problem with how they went about it personally, in my opinion they should have set DSD expectation, but, other than that they have done bugger all wrong!

It's not your responsibility to clean sds room, it's her dad's. I think you need to cut contact with mil, and take a step back from SD. Let her dad take her out for the day, let them have time on their own and work on their relationship. In time take it slowly and start over with SD. With the room I would give each child a room, and move one of the little ones when SD visits. I wouldn't have her to stay until the situation has calmed down.
You can't change the past, just focus on the future. SD is probably upset with her dad, but finds it easier to take it out on you.

@Faerie87 - are you the OP? Do you have any actual idea what it's like being a rejected step child? I'm still trying to get over being rejected by my dad more than 30 years ago - you don't get over it.

It might work in your house with your perfect children and step children and good for you. The reality is for some it doesn't.

Nobody at the age of 9 makes the decision to stop seeing their dad just like that. Often made for them sadly.

@headhurtstoomuch - no I’m not the OP but I think you’re projecting your situation onto the OP’s it sounds like OP and her OH are trying with DSD although you might have the opinion they are not doing enough, I have a differing opinion!

I am sorry that you have been through a tough time, but as I have mentioned on previous posts, it’s not fair on other people to use your experience to make other people feel shit about their situations.

You also sound very cut up about the situation with your dad, which in my opinion does not put you in the best position to dish out advice on being a good step mum, as it will always be quite one sided and angry. I don’t have perfect children or step children we go through ups and downs like any family, and my step daughter can be an absolute madam at times, my other daughter is only two months so can’t really say about her at the moment!

The issue was unlikely to be the bedroom itself, it was what it represented to DD, ie. that her dad had moved on emotionally the same as physically.

Things went wrong when she stopped contact totally. Her getting in touch again was the chance to erase the past and start again. To do that, he needed to show that even without contact, she was still in his heart and mind. Coming back and seeing that there was no space for her in his house became no space in his heart.

A little effort could have made the difference between re-establishing their relationship and proving that she was right to move on. It was in no way OP responsibility, unless they had agreed that she would help clearing the room and didn't bother without telling him. Ultimately, it was for him to take control of this, and if couldn't understand the importance of the message, then he is clearly not very clued in emotionally and I don't blame his daughter for feeling rejected.

It's a pity that OP hasn't come back as I think posters could have offered better advice rather than judgement on assumptions with more information.

@Faerie87 - seriously that's what you took from what I'm saying? I'm asking you or anyone who is adamant that the child is in the wrong to consider it from her perspective as I was once also in that position. It hurts like mad and you don't just get over it.

I made no mention of my own step mum - why? Because I have never met her so how could I blame her. Carry on blaming a child who was only 9 at the time.

@headhurtstoomuch - but the Dad has not rejected her? At most he’s been a bit thoughtless, and that’s on him not the OP so why is the DSD taking it out on the OP? That’s wrong on the step daughters part. I have also admitted that both the op and her oh should have given the step daughter a heads up about the room!

If he had said to his daughter that after three years he can’t be arsed with her and that he did not want to see her, then that would be a rejection and that would be wrong, but he hasn’t, to me it seems like they are trying to build bridges and the step mother is being slated for it?

Plus I thought the child was 14? Which would make her 11 at the time? Not really relevant but thought I would mention it.

My question is after 3 years what changed, why did she come and visit you?

I think I agree with you.seens like she wanted test the situation to see if anything had changed and had in fact found it hasn’t.
And I wonder too about the fact she says had not been in contact 3 years ?
Can’t be much of a father if hasn’t bothered with any contact in 3 years.
So I think the same she’s tested things out found it the same and won’t see her now for the dust

"What a horrible thread!

Why did you not clear her room OP? Why did you not actually try to make her feel welcome?

I'm actually angry about your behaviour. It's disgraceful really."

Why do you think a man isn't capable of clearing a room?
It wasnt Ops job to clear that room it was her partners! He is the childs parent NOT OP.

but the Dad has not rejected her? At most he’s been a bit thoughtless

he hasn't seen her for three years. More than a bit thoughtless

If he had said to his daughter that after three years he can’t be arsed with her and that he did not want to see her, then that would be a rejection and that would be wrong

to the kid, that is exactly what he did. And OP too.

@Faerie87 - upthread it was mentioned somewhere that she was 9 when it all started.

A dad not seeing his child or her coming to his home for 3 years is not thoughtless it's rejection.

OP was probably quite content with not having SD around to impact on their lives so it must've been a bit of a horrible shock when she suddenly came back into their lives.
The Grandmother wants to keep contact with the girl which means cosying up to her ex DIL. Nothing will change that dynamic.
I eventually asked my ex-H to leave after having a similar experience with his DD, aged 13 when we married. Paid for her to go to the same private school as my DC, included her in everything and everywhere we went including good holidays; but with her paternal grandmother continually telling her that her DF shouldn't be spending any of his money on my DC things became intolerable for everyone, including SD. After four years I asked ex to leave and we divorced fairly amicably realising that nothing was going to change and it was making everyone's life miserable.
I feel sorry for OP's SD but from personal experience I'd say as she's only staying o/n occasionally I wouldn't let her have a bedroom for her exclusive use if they are needed for resident children.