My 14 yo stepdaughter has refused to see me and her Dad for three years until yesterday and she arrived telling me it’s my fault because “I’ve ruined her relationship with her Dad”... please read!

[Sunshineyday27]

Hello,
My husband and I have been married for five years and have a four year old son. Initially I got on really well with my stepdaughter until she started pushing the boundaries when she stayed with us... would always ignore me, refer to me as “she” and “her” in third person as if I wasn’t actually there etc. It happened over a period of about sixth months and me being eight months pregnant at this stage, I turned to her and said “who is she? And asked my husband to address this as I was really hurt by this behaviour”. Ok I was probably massively tired being pregnant too but it was really weighing me down.

My stepdaughter was only staying every other weekend as had been the case since she was two years old.

Cut to a year after this event and she started ignoring my husband, wouldn’t answer his calls or texts. My husbands mother then got involved and went over to see her granddaughter to have a “meeting” with her granddaughter and the ex and I was then told by his mum that it was my fault that I’d not accepted my stepdaughter and that I was always picking on her etc etc which was not the case.

Anyway after being in our new house for three years she has this week decided she wanted to come and stay. We had two days notice and have since turned her room into abit of a dumping ground with all the stuff we haven’t unpacked etc. When she got here she went straight to “her” room, saw that it wasn’t her room now in her eyes (she hasn’t stayed for three years or being in much contact) then FaceTimes her mother in tears.

My husband jumps in and starts talking to our daughter/stepdaughter and she screams at me “I hate you, you’ve ruined my relationship with my Dad, you are so childish I hate your personality”.

My husband was really good here and stepped in. We had a really long chat all together about marriage, the change of dynamic etc etc but it’s clear she hates my guts and is with her grandmother on this that I’m the evil stepmother who hasn’t accepted her etc etc.

Me and my mother in law have our own difficult relationship because I’m the Christian girl that married her Jewish son!

It feels like my stepdaughter is giving my husband an ultimatum. Her and my husband... or nothing at all?????

I’ve not slept for two days stressing about this! Any advice welcome thank you xxx

This is what I hate about these forums! The amount of people who have had shitty experiences themselves and because of that they project their own shitty experiences on to an OP. Who they don’t even know and tarnish her with the same brush as the people who have caused their own shitty experiences!

It’s really not helping the OP or her family including her step daughter to call her names in fact it’s probably damaging the OP and any relationship she would have with the step daughter.

Please tell me this, if the OP was as bad as your wicked step parents or as bad as you’re making out would she really be on here asking for advice on how to fix the situation???

I’ve looked back on the OPs opening post and not once has she said that she hates her SD and wants rid of her, you guys should stop reading between the lines for something that isn’t there and just read what’s actually been written and offer advice based on that!

I’m not saying you should not draw off your own experiences but don’t do it in such a negative way! For example you could say
“op I was in the same situation as your step daughter, it really upset me when stuff liked this happened, I would of really liked my step mother to do this for me instead of what she did do, how about you try it this way instead of what you’re doing?

Instead you guys are saying

“op you sound like my evil step mother! (Even though I have no proof that you are like my step mother) you are an absolute bitch and I’m not going to offer you anything constructive to help with your relationship with your step daughter!”

Which sentence do you think is going to help improve the relationship? By projecting your shitty experiences your actually potentially causing another poor child to have a similar experience by not offering decent advice in order for the OP to overcome her problems.

Build people up rather than tearing people down and then they can do the same with the people in their lives!

Who are you people that can clear a room in a night?!
I’m confused op, you said she’s never been at the new house but you ‘turned her room into a bit of a dumping ground’ then she came round and ‘went straight to her room’

So does she have a room or not?

I think she should have her own room regardless of children, I think when she stays you should go and do something else to give her time with her dad, really back off.

You sound particularly unpleasant OP. Yes, if your husband wanted to, the room could have been sorted in some capacity. Personally if my child was coming to see me after 3 bloody years I'd have had a whole fanfare ready.

In those 3 years did she see her dad and were you there as well? Has she ever been to your new house before? Something definitely doesn't add up in your story.

If, at any time in the last three years your husband wanted to rekindle his relationship with his oldest daughter, a room in your house should ALWAYS have been hers. No junk, no boxes of your tat, nothing but her bed and furniture sitting ready for when she came knocking.

She is, after all, his daughter. She earns a space at her dad's house. You have both pretty much told her that her space in your home and lives is no more important than boxes of junk (obviously not important things if they have been left boxed for 3yrs. Next you'll tell us that it's babies stuff)

And 2 days not enough notice? Again, If at any time in the last three years, your husband wanted to rekindle his relationship with his oldest daughter he would have stayed up until all hours preparing her space or at least done his best to create a welcoming space for her.

No effort was put in by anyone here. She reached out and neither of you cared enough to make her feel welcome.

Please tell me this, if the OP was as bad as your wicked step parents or as bad as you’re making out would she really be on here asking for advice on how to fix the situation??? She may well be asking for advise, but she clearly doesn't want it.

She isn't even giving any feedback, and agreeing only with those who agree that it is all about her and her feelings...

Who are you people that can clear a room in a night?! So doing nothing and having the poor kid sleep on the sofa was OK was it??

Where were you planning on having her sleep, op? Her sleeping on the sofa says that NO effort at all was put into even making her a bed up!

My advice? Take however long you now won't be in contact with her for, to get her room ready, and hope 3 yrs doesn't turn into a life time.

To throw a spanner in the works, what do you do if you are expecting another baby and you only have three bedrooms in your house?!?

Oh, I should think the under stairs cupboard would be fine.

Poor girl.

I think you’ve made a mountain out of a mole hill here and made things more difficult for yourselves.

When you say she had a room but it’s never really been her room as she hasn’t been there for 3 years well did it have a bed and some furniture for her in it? Or was it just a blank room?

From your post it doesn’t sound like you or your DP has made much effort to include her into your family and the side product of this is your step daughters behaviour, which is understandable.

When u found out she was coming to sleep you should have just moved the clutter to your room or if it wasn’t possible to at least tell her it wasn’t ready yet so she will be sleeping on the couch this time until you could deal with it.

As for having a new baby, well it seems obvious that you put the younger one in the bigger room and the eldest in the smallest and when the baby is old enough (and is not in your room with you anymore) can go in the biggest room with the middle child.

It does come across like because your step daughter may only come eow that you don’t understand why she needs her own room and can’t just kip on the couch. But this isn’t Harry Potter where kids live in cupboards under the stairs, children who come to visit from their mums need to feel even more included in the family and that they matter still.

For a start, get the room decluttered and make her feel part of it. Take her out to get things for her room. It is bad timing with the new baby but it has been 3 years it should never have got to this stage in the first place.

I agree, not enough shared hereby OP to really be able to offer reasonable advice. We don't know what really happened 3 years ago that led the child to stop coming, it's not clear if it means she hasn't seen her dad all that tome or not, and not clear what would have prompted the girl to get back in touch.

Also not clear what OP means that the girl has given her dad an ultimatum.

What seems quite clear is that there is a lot of tension and ultimately, every one seems quite stressed.

It wasnt up to you to sort her room out, it was up to her Dad, for anyone to blame you for it is ridiculous!

Posters, a reminder that OP probably didn’t impregnate herself with a turkey baster...

@differentnameforthis - I think the problem we have with these forums is when people ask for advice, it often comes with a side of judgement, especially on mumsnet!

Even if the advice is good such as that the OP or her OH should have made the room a available for her SD or at least given her a heads up that it was not ready, but because that advice often comes with “Oh my god op you did not get the room ready?! You really are an unpleasant person, what a bitch, you obviously don’t care about DSD!!!” It suddenly becomes non constructive!

No wonder the OP is not responding to that, it’s human nature for stuff like that to get someone’s back up, don’t you think? I personally would not respond to that and only respond to the people that are being nice, such as what the OP is doing.

You may agree or disagree with the OP or her husbands methods, you may feel like that they have made mistakes, but I truly believe she has come to this forum for advice and not to be judged and I also believe that if she was as bad as a lot of people on here were making out, she would not have come to ask for advice in the first place, because quite frankly if she really did not care about her DSD she would be happy that she’s buggered off again so she can have her hubby all to herself, because she has not done that and is even looking at ways she can decorate her step daughters room and get her involved I believe she does care.

It is really hard sometimes to ask for help, but when instead of getting help you get beat down, it will make the situation worse and make the OP feel even worse about the situation.

My point being there are nice and constructive ways to get you point across without being nasty to someone who only wants help and also OP would not have posted if she truly did not give a shit.

This is why if you want valuable advice you have to be prepared to give the full story. No point in drip feeding and not really setting the scene as people then start to make assumptions and go from there turning the thread into a debate.

We don't even know why the girl decided to stop coming in the first place and whether or not she's been seeing her dad at all during that time how can anyone advise properly?

differentnamedorthis no of course not! I just know I can’t clear a room that fast.
I’m feeling like op isn’t coming back or will be a big drip feed anyway, so many unanswered questions.

• daughter left, then you moved house.
• daughter showed up, went to ‘her’ room but you’d been putting junk in ‘her’ room. But she’s never seen the house before.
• Where was her dad during those years? Why didn’t he go and see her?

Too many holes in the story to be filled. I get the feeling OP wanted everyone to be enraged that her SD turned up with 2 days notice, that the mil doesn't like her because she isn't Jewish and those behind the scenes are conspiring against her.

Whilst she didn't need to clear the room, her DH did, the fact it was allowed to get into the state it did despite it being the SD's supposed 'room' is alarming.

Too much projection and judgement on this thread IMO.

1. OP, I would speak in RL to a counsellor who specialises in this asap and seek advice on how to navigate it. My initial sense is that you need to pull back and your DH needs to step up and start his relationship with his daughter 1 on 1. Possibly even attend counselling with his daughter.
2. what has happened has happened, if the DSD has been influenced against you, that is out of your hands. You now have to find a way of navigating this situation.
3. I also sense that the bedroom situation has been blown out of proportion on here. If it wasn’t the bedroom then I am sure it is possibly going to be some other thing that she would have had an outburst about. This will all be incredibly overwhelming and complicated for her to navigate.
4. Re the bedroom, take her input and let her decorate it. Let her put her stamp on it and go shopping for it. Don’t do it for her. After 3 years you have no idea what she actually likes.

The OP is getting unfairly vilified on here. Ultimately if that bedroom needed clearing it was her DH’s responsibility to life heaven and earth and make it happen. If I was in his shoes there is no way I wouldn’t move heaven and earth to do it myself, and I certainly wouldn’t accuse my partner of being at fault for not doing it!

OP. Draw back. Let your DH take the lead and navigate this

she sounds like an utter brat.

That's not a nice way to talk about the OP.

When did it become a thing that you have a room at both your parents houses...I must of missed that..I stayed at my dads 2 weekends a month ,on a camp bed where ever it was put..never occurred to me to expect a room.i had a room of my own at home.....I think the step daughter needed to give more than 2 days notice she was coming ,the visit should of been delayed while the room cleared.but I expect no one dares to say no to her.....

Build an extension with a fantastic bedroom for her with an ensuite so she feels special, or move.

@Slimmingsnake - I'm glad to hear a sdc say this. My 2 boys had to start bunking in together (having previously had their own rooms) at their dads once their 1st half sibling came along. There was mild grumbling & both my ex & I told them to get over themselves - they had separate rooms at mine.
My dp's 3 happily share a (massive) bedroom at ours while my kids have their own rooms. They don't mind in the slightest and don't feel less than as they get that they have their own rooms at their dms which is their primary residence. My kids primary residence is with me.
Obviously this poor kid has issues with her dad that her dad needs to get sorted. But everyone - including her - freaking out because a room wasn't made ready at 2 days notice is nuts.
It's very hard having divorced/separated parents but that does not give kids the right to demand special treatment.

Times change ,I read a lot of the step parents threads ,my friend has 3 kids ,she has moved in with a man who has 3 kids that visit every other weekend...they have taken out a mortgage they can't afford so every child has their own room.his kids visit 6 days a month ,and they have to have Xbox ,tv ,own room ,everything the same as the kids who live there .yet they also have their own rooms at their mums...madness....madness because she's struggling to put food on the table..but her new dh insists his kids have the same..but at what cost?

Is it a wonder schools are struggling with behaviour of many pupils when according to many the 50% (estimate based on divorce rates) who come from divorced parents should be allowed to behave as they wish and demand special treatment because of it.

Yes, it sounds difficult that this girl has been stuck between her parents but you can't just walk out for 3 years and expect everything's be as you wish when you say you're returning.

This isn't about the room it's about everyone finding a way to move forward together. You'd be better off with family counselling.

Its not about having an own room. Its having a room to sleep in.
I would never expect my child to sleep on a sofa or camp bed unless its an emergency, so why is this a regular thing in a lot of stepchildrens life.
Come on it clearly tells them where they stand.

What a horrible thread!

Why did you not clear her room OP? Why did you not actually try to make her feel welcome?

I'm actually angry about your behaviour. It's disgraceful really.