Unfair exw

[lycanwolf]

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

[lycanwolf]

Whatever I'm leaving this here, I don't think anyone understands.

[LuluBellaBlue]

FFS because the children are EQUALLY his children!!!
Why shouldn’t she do a degree?
You have a seriously squewered way of looking at things OP

[pallisers]

What bitter people you all must be if you can live without being able to show basic sympathy to someone down on their luck

How about you showing some basic sympathy to a woman who is the sole financial supporter of her children instead of bitching about her bothering you with her futile requests for money. Is it really that much of an effort for you to say no to her every year?? A No doesn't even cost you anything but you are still complaining.

[LunaTrap]

Why can't her new husband help more?

I would imagine he is. Between them they are the ones who are solely providing for your partner's kids. Meanwhile you and your partner have one part time job between you and you moan about providing towels. You should be embarrassed as hell, not complaining about the ex.

[LooksBetterWithAFilter]

I am both a step mum and an ex wife as well. My ex used to think he was helping me out by giving me under the cams maintenance minimum. He’s a dick. He never contributed towards school uniform. If he had the dc for the weekend and they needed shoes I’d ask him to get them because I didn’t have them with me to go to the shops...he never did. Sorry but that doesn’t make a good dad. Neither does choosing to study rather than work and contribute to his other dc financially. Fair enough he was unwell and unable to work but he is able now and his first priority should have been to start paying maintenance again.
Your dh’s ex wife doesn’t just have the option to opt out and say she can’t afford it. She has to find the money somewhere somehow for all their needs no matter if times get hard or not. Your dd is your priority but your dh has 3 children and they should all be of equal priority to him.

[KissMeLikeYouMissMe]

It's not all falling on you, you aren't paying anything!
I can't believe you are questioning thar she work ft to basically subsidise your lifestyle???? Her husband is working which is why they can probably afford for her to work pt.
I completely get the MH issue, I don't for a moment think that your husband should get a grip because I know from experience it's not that simple but I honestly think you need to listen to what people are saying on here and just look.at it from the exw perspective!

[pallisers]

It's not fair for it to fall on us

It doesn't fall on you. You are the freeloaders here. What you want is for her to say to you "don't worry at all, I'll take care of everything, you owe nothing, that is the fairest way" After that maybe you'd like her to contribute to your son too - it is equally outrageous.

[SillySallySingsSongs]

IMO and I'm aware this a drip feed their marriage broke down because she cheated on him

Irrelevant when it comes to providing for DC.

Why shouldn't she work ft, she's doing a degree which is the height of indulgence, decreased her hours to do a placement. That deficit would cover the costs she's asking for.

So you want her to make up the money that your DH should be paying? Wow.

Who do you think the entire responsibility for your DSC is currently falling on? Clue it's not you or your DH.

It's not fair for it to fall on us

It isn't falling on you at all. Your DH is paying nothing towards the upkeep of his DC. You won't even provide a swimming towel!

[middleagedalready]

You can't think that she has to work full time because her ex won't work at all and failing that her new DP should cover her ex's child costs? It isn't your job to cover your DP's costs with his dc, neither is it her new DP's job. You both knew that your DP had dc but that doesn't mean that you have a primary financial responsibility towards them.
I have no step dc experiences but my DH has had two serious incidents of depression, he didn't take three years off providing for his family, he took medication, attended therapy and worked hard on recovering. He understood he had responsibilities.

[AmIAWeed]

Purple If the OP had said any of that the response would be different
Instead she has said:
Husband is off work, which developed into...
Husband has not worked for 3 years
Husband is studying to better himself for previous year
Ex wont provide basics when kids go to hers (OP and husband also wont provide basics like A TOWEL)
OP priority is her child
OP is waiting for a full time job - cos that's what we do, we wait and it just happens magically!
Lets not forget that the Ex needs to be patient whilst the husband is bettering himself studying and she is waiting for the job

Had she said something along the lines of 'My husband is suffering from mental illness for 3 years and has been unable to work, I work part time because I need to care for him, he cant support me or my child and the ex is pressuring him as she has also had to go without for 3 years, i'm not sure how to improve my situation' then the entire thread would be very different.
Instead the OP is slating a woman who has been single handily bringing up two children whilst the ex provides no support financially or through childcare as he only has them every other weekend and expects the ex to be patient and instead the priority is the OP child.
She clearly isnt a step mum, as I don't believe a step mum would think its ok for the other kids to go without. She is simply a woman married to the kids Dad and my empathy is saved for the kids and the ex

[LooksBetterWithAFilter]

Why doesn’t her new husband help out more?? Surely nobody actually thinks like this?
I’m fairly sure he does he helps pay the mortgage or rent on the house the dc live in the majority of the time. He almost certainly pays towards the bills and food and clothes on the whole families back. Why on Earth should she work full-time to subsidise your household. Your dh maintenance should be a bill of equal importance to all your other bills not an optional contribution.

[Karigan198]

I only read the first two pages and was astounded. If your husband has kids he is also responsible for looking after them. If you know this bill is coming every year try to allow for it.

[KissMeLikeYouMissMe]

How old are you op?

[DotForShort]

I agree with many PPs. Your husband should provide for all his children equally. He absolutely should pay maintenance. It is criminal the low amounts that non-resident parents are allowed to get away with paying in the UK. The entire system needs an overhaul IMO.

If your DH is truly incapacitated by mental health problems, then of course he may not be able to pay maintenance temporarily. However, as soon as he is back on his feet he ought to prioritise his children and pay back all the maintenance he missed (and then some). I also don't understand why you aren't working full time. Very few families can afford to live on one part-time salary, especially when three children are involved.

And as for "He's a good father to the girls when they are here," that isn't exactly a ringing endorsement for stellar fatherhood. He sees them 2-4 days a month, so he's only a good father then? What about the rest of the time? Even if he doesn't see them more often (and why doesn't he BTW?), surely he should be a good father to them 100% of the time.

[multiplemum3]

You think she should work more to subsidise your husband who hasn't worked in 3 years? He only has them 4 days a month and doesn't pay for them. Got yourself a good catch there, tbh you don't sound much better

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Waiting for some sort of announcement that this has all been too upsetting or identifying

[WatchingFromTheWings]

Why shouldn't she work ft, she's doing a degree which is the height of indulgence, decreased her hours to do a placement.

Well she's doing better than their father then, is is studying but NOT working!!

[HopeMumsnet]

Hello all,
We have made some deletions on this thread, generally speaking for minimising the impact that mental health issues can have on a person. We just wanted to post this Mind link to advice for families and friends of those with depression.

[LunaTrap]

What about OP's posts endorsing child neglect? Are they okay?

[SillySallySingsSongs]

We have made some deletions on this thread, generally speaking for minimising the impact that mental health issues can have on a person.

Whilst I agree that shouldn't happen, minimising the effect of not contributing towards your DC shouldn't be minimised either.

[HarshingMyMellow]

Single parents can also suffer severely with mental health issues.
They have to get on with it, they have to find a way to make ends meet, otherwise they won't survive.

We can't all sit back and say 'I need a break, I can't afford to pay for my children, I can't work' because if we did; we would lose our kids, our homes, our livelihoods. Everything.

Honestly, I'm insulted by the OP. Your husband isn't the only one to suffer, but millions manage to get on with it. If he is so severely poorly, he should be receiving intense medical help/support. Since he is able to study, I doubt that's the case.

[AliceRR]

OP I don’t think you are being unreasonable. It’s a mother’s world on here and dad’s ans step mothers get a hard time in my opinion. I don’t know if you said whether your OH has any income at the moment but sounds like not as you said savings were exhausted. I think if it is possible for him to get a job to contribute to all his kids, including yours, then he should. I realise this might not be possible. The fact is if he doesn’t have an income then he cannot pay maintenance or contribute to school uniform. I also don’t think you are unreasonable for saying your child is your priority. That’s normal. Your step children have there own parents and that’s not to say you don’t care for them.

[MinorRSole]

This has got to be a wind up! I can't believe anyone is this deluded. The exw is working, studying, raising the dc, being patient with regards maintenance and paying for everything - what exactly is she doing wrong?!

Op whilst I sympathise greatly with mental health issues I also am aware of the needs of children which need to be met by someone. I'm afraid you may need to tighten your belts or look for a second job but either way you need to find the money. Half the cost of uniforms is extremely fair in the absence of any other form of financial contribution.