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Original poster

Unfair exw

454 replies

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 13:31

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

OP posts:
Original poster
lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 14:53

Do you all enjoy attacking an OP? Because that's what it feel like here, only one person has tried to view it from my perspective.

Yes dh is my child's father and he's a fantastic one. He's a good father to the girls when they are here, he isn't a bad man or a lazy man.

What bitter people you all must be if you can live without being able to show basic sympathy to someone down on their luck.

OP posts:
HarshingMyMellow · 08/08/2018 14:53

The pair of you need to get a grip.

I'm a single parent, suffering terribly with physical disability and anxiety.

I wish I had the option to just give up work and study, because believe me, I'm massively burnt out too. But I don't have that option, because my DD relies solely on me.
Every single day and night.

If I gave up work, or went part-time, we wouldn't survive.
So, I work full time and am studying for a degree to better myself in my spare time.
Unfortunately, the water/gas/electric bills, Tesco, Clothes Shops don't cut me slack. I have to earn the money to buy the stuff I need.

Your husband needs to do the same.

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 14:55

Why can't you work full time if he hasn't worked in 3 years?

PerfectPenquins · 08/08/2018 14:56

Why aren’t you working full time then instead of using your parents as financial support?

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2018 14:56

I'm glad you all live such perfect lives where nothing unpleasant happens.

Well now you're just being silly. I'm a SM. I would be horrified if my husband tried to pull something like this. He has a "high powered" job but he's also had periods in his career of doing anything he could to make money.

Being a parent means being responsible, not expecting someone else to pick up the tab or facilitate your fun times with the kids at their expense. No one is too good to stack shelves or do data entry (involves sitting at a computer same as studying), stuff envelopes, or work in a shop. Your DP sounds like a snob and I'd rather have a DP/DH I respect for doing the right thing and being adaptable and mature about getting on with things, and, incidentally, also managed to study on top of a demanding ft job and spending time with his children.

I'd really struggle to respect someone who selfishly put themselves first like this and placed "self betterment" over knowing he feeds and clothes his children.

Prettysureitsnotok · 08/08/2018 14:56

I think it's even more screwed up if he can provide towels and clothes and toys for one child but not for the others, if they're all his, this is going to seriously damage his relationship with his DDs eventually. At least then they will know not to expect anything from him.

Original poster
lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 14:58

I'd like to be back st work ft. I went pt after having ds and PND. It was a struggle, my ft time role was filled so I'm waiting for another to become available.

OP posts:
FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 08/08/2018 14:58

Lycan - I have been 'down on my luck' for fucking years. However that didn't give me the option of not supporting my children.

Your 'perspective' seems to be that the ex is too lazy to prepare the swimming things when the children are at yours, and is some kind of extravagant spendthrift because she buys her children decent stuff. And. your. husband' doesnt' contribute. a PENNY .

Honestly, you couldn't make it up.

SillySallySingsSongs · 08/08/2018 15:00

He's a good father to the girls when they are here, he isn't a bad man or a lazy man.

No one has said he is.

You need to take a step back. Part of being a parent is providing for your DC. This is all falling on one parents shoulders in your DSC case. Its hard and you having a go at her for asking for money towards uniform is unfair.

What would happen if she was to shrug and say she couldn't afford it? What would happen then?

HarshingMyMellow · 08/08/2018 15:00

Big difference in waiting for a FT job to fall into your lap and actively searching for one...

timeisnotaline · 08/08/2018 15:00

I guess you’re saying if she’d just wait another 3-6 years (for him to finish studying and some extra time for deciding to contibrute again) you would happily pay some cm?
Clothes at your place can absolutely be Tesco. You’re washing them not their Mum and as long as you provide suitable clothes she doesn’t rwally get an opinion on that.

mostdays · 08/08/2018 15:00

What bitter people you all must be if you can live without being able to show basic sympathy to someone down on their luck

You haven't asked for basic sympathy, you've asked people to agree that it is reasonable for your partner not to be a decent father to his children. You don't even think you and he should provide towels for when his children come swimming with you!

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 15:01

How old is your DS? I'm sure there are other full time jobs available elsewhere. Seriously parents of 3 kids between them don't usually have the luxury of working part time whilst waiting for their preferred full time role to become available, or not work for 3 years but study instead for better prospects. Of course you are going to be struggling with one pt job between 2 adults!

middleagedalready · 08/08/2018 15:02

OP he isn't a fantastic father he is has had dc that for the last three years he has failed to provide for, this is the basic start of parenting, feeding and clothing your dc, ensuring they are warm and dry. If your DP is well enough to study he should be able to work part time. He is lucky that his ex-wife has stepped up and provided all that he is failing to provide but surely you can see why she is fed up? This isn't your mess to sort out but it is his.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2018 15:02

What bitter people you all must be if you can live without being able to show basic sympathy to someone down on their luck.

How about you show some basic sympathy to your SC mum? She's down on her luck through no fault of her own and you're still bitching about her!

You're making it extremely difficult for anyone to sympathise with you. Honestly, I've tried, but you're just completely unreasonable and making it worse with each post.

He is responsible for supporting his children. He is choosing not to do so. He is choosing to put himself first. You are choosing to make excuses for him and not taking the opportunity to better your own situation by working more.

She has no choice but to make do. Of course she's annoyed and running out of patience. It's been 3 years and there's no apparent end in sight.

PurpleTrilby · 08/08/2018 15:04

Well done those of you who think he "just" needs to step up and be a man and a better father. You've obviously zero idea of what it's like for some people with depression. I cared for a loved one for several years who had severe depression. He was in no place to claim benefits, find a new job, even leave the flat most of the time, I had to make sure he ate at all and didn't kill himself. After several years things improved, but the idea he could just pull himself together in any way during that time is laughable. I get the feeling the ex has zero idea, too. Good luck OP, it does get better.

PerfectPenquins · 08/08/2018 15:07

Is there going to be back pay for the YEARS of missed payments? You know when he is done studying and all

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 08/08/2018 15:07

" I cared for a loved one for several years who had severe depression. He was in no place to claim benefits, "

well did you not help him fill in the forms? nobody can live on nothing can they?

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 15:07

PurpleTrilby is he apparently well enough to be a 'fantastic' and engaged father, and to be studying a course. I'm wondering why you think he should be exempt from providing towels and a few bits of cheap clothing, or why the ex is so unreasonable to assume he will?

KissMeLikeYouMissMe · 08/08/2018 15:07

I think the issue might be that perhaps it's not just the uniforms that she needs financial help with.
If the kids are coming to you at weekends I'd expect a small stash of basic items. Do you send the kids back with a bag of dirty laundry ready for exw to wash?
I think it would be nice for his children to have a swimming costume at yours and a towel available so that exw isn't providing everything.
As for her buying branded trainers and coats from river island it's probably down to the age of the children. My dd has got to that age where she will only wear clothes from certain places. if I bought her a top in asda she'd refuse to wear it. We shop savvy, buy in the sales, look for discount codes etc. exw could be doing this too.

I think you've had a bit of a rough ride on here but equally I think you need to put yourself in the position of the exw. Her kids must not seem like a priority from her perspective. if your dh isn't paying maintenance, they have to bring all their own toys and clothes when they come to stay and he can't help out with uniform (I've just had to fork out for my son's and it's cost a fortune! ) then what is he actually providing for them?
I don't know what to say without sounding mean......it just sounds like you view these kids as a very separate entity to your life, a burden.Whilst we can't always predict what life is going to throw at us you have to remember that isn't the children's fault. I'm still quick shocked that they have to bring their own clothes and toys with them- it would take much to provide them with pjs and a couple of outfits to cover them for a weekend stay. a swimming costume and towel of their own. They must feel really pushed out.

ReservoirDogs · 08/08/2018 15:07

But everyone is showing sympathy - to a woman who is getting no financial support for her two children - you know the ones that existed before you were on the scene.

Before you snipe at me too. I am a step-mum. My DH pays his maintenance every month and always has done. He also contributes to high ticket items and has just paid for his son's inter-rail tickets because that is the kind of thing dad's do for their children.
It has always been the case that his son came with the clothes on his back and we had clothes etc up here for him to use at the weekend and we would send him back in his clothes he came up in (having laundered them).

We too have a child together but the cloth is cut to cater for all the children not just the one we have together and live with!

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 08/08/2018 15:07

I'm sorry you're in a tight financial state, but if they were together working or not he'd have to help provide for them.

Being a parent means you need to help supply these things.

He could make her an offer of an amount he has got. At least uk shows he is trying.

Original poster
lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 15:08

It's hard to show her any sympathy when she's not remotely interested in the same.

Why shouldn't she work ft, she's doing a degree which is the height of indulgence, decreased her hours to do a placement. That deficit would cover the costs she's asking for.

IMO and I'm aware this a drip feed their marriage broke down because she cheated on him, she's having her cake, she wants the benefit of being with him without being with him. Why can't get new husband help more? Surely he knew what he was taking on?

It's not fair for it to fall on us

OP posts:
FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 08/08/2018 15:10

but it's not "falling on you" is it?
You already told us that your ex hasn't paid a penny for his children for three years.
What is 'falling on you' here exactly? having to provide a towel for swimming?

Gosh how terrible.

HarshingMyMellow · 08/08/2018 15:13

It's not falling on 'us', it's falling on your husband. The dc's father. Who should be doing his fair share.

Even if she were to give up her degree and work FT, your husband should still be providing equally for those children.
He laid down and made them, he contributes towards them.

The reason for the break up of their marriage has absolutely nothing to do with this situation. Your husband should be contributing towards his children, it's as simple as that.

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