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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Unfair exw

454 replies

lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 13:31

I've been with dh 6 years and have 1 ds. He has 2 dd from first marriage.
Exw has been in touch with dh wanting him to lay half of school uniform costs, she does this every year even though she knows we can't afford this.

For contest dh is off work with depression and anxiety, taking medication and attending counselling. I'm working but part time and get little help benefits wise, often relying on my parents for help. She is also remarried, working pt and her dh works ft so more income then we have.

I wish she'd realise we can't afford this and stop asking, it's bad enough she won't provide the basics for them when they come to stay here. It's literally the clothes they arrive in and the toys they want to bring from home.

OP posts:
StepBackNow · 08/08/2018 14:20

The minimising of metal health problems on here is disgusting Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Mentally ill people just need to pull themselves together, eh?

Nice.

timeisnotaline · 08/08/2018 14:20

You have your own ds and you don’t get why she’s asking? If you were off work ill would yoi just stop feeding and clothing your ds then? Or would you continue to prioritise him somehow because he’s your child. These are your dps children. D for dickhead.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 08/08/2018 14:21

I mean if you want to start on about what they 'need' how about a father who contributes to their expenses and a stepmother who doesn't mind supplying a towel for swimming, without slagging their mother off? Could be a start?

PrettyLovely · 08/08/2018 14:21

Oh so hes studying now? I thought he had mental health problems so bad he couldnt work? But he CAN study Hmm

mineisarossini · 08/08/2018 14:23

It is not for you to judge what she buys for her children. She can buy them whatever she feels is right.

It does not change the fact your dp should be paying for half and contributing to their upkeep and he is not, not in any capacity!

Their swimming stuff should be good to go, yes and prepared by your darling dp or is unable to pack a swim bag now?

You are coming across very very poorly.

The narrative of burn out parent does not stop you caring for your children, packing swim bags for them, looking after them and caring about them. Your dp has left this all to you, he is using every excuse in the book and you have been lumbered doing all the donkey work with his kids and yours (also his)

You don't have an ex wife problem, you have a dp problem.

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 14:23

StepBack what part of mental health troubles means you can't provide your kids with a fucking towel? Because I have ongoing MH problems but have never had that issue.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 08/08/2018 14:23

if he had mental health problems that were so bad they stopped him working, then he could get some benefits.
But now you say he just has 'burnout' and is doing some studying, rather than get a job and provide in part for his children?
So which is it?

mineisarossini · 08/08/2018 14:26

*The minimising of metal health problems on here is disgusting Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Mentally ill people just need to pull themselves together, eh?

Nice*

He can study perfectly well to increase his job prospects so clearly he is not seriously ill (and definitely up to packing a swim bag or two)

PrettyLovely · 08/08/2018 14:27

I actually feel really sorry for these children, They are such an inconvenience to you, you dont even think they are worthy of a towel. Sad

Original poster
lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 14:27

He's been off work 3 years, continued paying cms out of savings until they were gone, it's not a question of 'just' burnout' he really struggled for a while. It's only been the last year he's been able to study to improve future prospects.

It's still a struggle and I'm proud of him for trying, I'd rather have a dh who is well then a massive bank balance.

OP posts:
TeddyIsaHe · 08/08/2018 14:28

StepBack I have severe PND, I still manage to provide everything my daughter needs. Why can’t the op’s husband do that for his kids?

mineisarossini · 08/08/2018 14:30

Op if he has been off work for three years but much better in the last year why isn't he doing everything for your shared children and his?

Why can't he get a job and study? That is what most adult students do. He is not in a position to spend ages studying when he has so many mouths to feed.

A massive bank balance? Who said that? He just needs to provide a few tesco tshirts for school! It shouldn't be hard.

But you begrudge every single penny spent on those two girls seeing it as your son's money and entitlement, that is what is behind this.

IVEgotthePOWER · 08/08/2018 14:35

Op it seems you and he need to sit down and look at the finances. Your parents shouldnt need to help you out. All the dcs needs should be met.

Do you own your home or rent? Maybe you need to live somewhere cheaper. Maybe cut back on leisure activities if you cannot dress 3 dc

DerelictWreck · 08/08/2018 14:35

If she were off work with MH would you be happy to pay for everything single cost for the children?

Knowing the answer to that will tell you if you're being unreasonable or not!

AmIAWeed · 08/08/2018 14:40

You are right, you have come across poorly and honestly I am shocked you are proud of your husband.
He has spent a year studying after being off work for 2 years due to exhaustion and being burnt out from a high powered job....yet he only paid £250 maintenance which does not in any way equate to a high powered job.

His ex can pay whatever she likes on school clothes, and whilst you may begrudge branded trainers or river island coats that's not her problem.
Why should she dress her kids in the cheapest items simply because you facilitate a lazy husband and parent?
Why should she send her kids with lots of clothes to your house when he does not provide financially for them?

If your husband is well enough to study he is well enough to get a job - it doesn't have to be 'to better himself' it simply has to be to provide for his kids. He can work in a shop stacking shelves or in a warehouse it really doesn't matter, if he wants to better himself he best get himself to work and pay his way, spend quality time with his kids THEN study in the evenings for this magical bettering of himself not at the expense of his children.
You may accept his shitty behaviour but I sure as hell wouldn't and I'd say 90% of the posters here wouldn't either

pallisers · 08/08/2018 14:41

I could be perfectly sympathetic to someone who is too depressed to work (although not too depressed to study). I could even understand the logical consequence that this person provides nothing for his children and dumps it all on the children's mother.

But to then complain about the mother ASKING for a contribution. That takes some balls to whine about the parent who is wholly supporting your children for you actually daring to ask for a contribution.

Seniorschoolmum · 08/08/2018 14:42

I can understand that you hate it.

How about you get to the root of the problem and expect your dh to do some parenting !

Original poster
lycanwolf · 08/08/2018 14:44

I didn't post in AIBU because I don't care that (apparently) the majority feel I'm the unreasonable one.

I'm glad you all live such perfect lives where nothing unpleasant happens. Unfortunately it's my life and the shit did happen and we are coping the best we can. Don't think it's too much to ask that she sympathises and is patient, not pile on pressure to provide things, and trust me Tesco quality does not cut it for her, it has to beM and S because apparently it washes better????

OP posts:
middleagedalready · 08/08/2018 14:44

OP it isn't your role to provide for your step dc or make sure they have uniforms and swimming trunks as you rightly say your focus is your dc. It is however absolutely the shared responsibility of your DP, I actually wondered if this was just put up to rile people as I couldn't imagine any parent who didn't understand that you don't get to duck out of pr just because you are struggling with other issues. Reading your replies I wonder if you are so entrenched in a them/us conflict you have totally lost sight of your DP's non negotiable responsibilities. If I was ex wife I would be really fed up by now. As this seems to be important I am not an ex wife but I would really hope my dh never felt he owed his dc so little.

AmIAWeed · 08/08/2018 14:46

she sympathises and is patient
It's been 3 years - 3 years of her paying for everything for children that are also his, how much patience do you expect?

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2018 14:46

I'm not surprised you're struggling with two capable adults in the house and one part time job. I don't know anyone who has the luxury of studying and choosing not to earn while they have young dependent children. What's stopping him getting a low stress job to earn money and study in the evenings if he wants to as well? Why aren't you working ft as he's around all day? if he's well enough to study he's capable of looking after your DC.

What his ex buys is none of your business! She's spending her own money on her own children while their father contributes nothing.

You owe it to his DC to have what they need in your home when they visit. Don't plan to go swimming unless you're willing to provide what they need. Towels? Don't you have towels?

She's not being "unfair" at all. I imagine she's pretty bloody fed up with having to do everything while her ex swans around "studying" because he can't be bothered to work and earn money.

I can well imagine your frustration with your partner but recognise it for what it is is, he's the one in the wrong, not his ex.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 08/08/2018 14:47

" I'm glad you all live such perfect lives where nothing unpleasant happens. "

far from it, in fact I have my own experience of children's dad not paying for them, and his wife encouraging such behaviour.
What did you think people would say? 'aww you stick to your guns, hun'?

Prettysureitsnotok · 08/08/2018 14:47

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SillySallySingsSongs · 08/08/2018 14:51

I'm glad you all live such perfect lives where nothing unpleasant happens.

Far from it.

My DSC live with us full time and very rarely see their 'D'M. She contributes absolutely nothing. Not a single penny.

It can be bloody hard at times.

How long do you expect her to be patient for exactly? You say it's short term, but you don't know that it is.

He has responsibility for his DC that he isn't fulfilling.

I know that it is probably hard for you to hear but you need to see this from her point of view.

LunaTrap · 08/08/2018 14:52

Agree pallisers. Complaining that the ex isn't magnanimous enough about zero contribution is the height of chutzpah.

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