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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Financial inequality within the family

95 replies

Andrewsgirl · 29/07/2018 11:27

I just wondered what peoples were thoughts on how to handle this situation. My parents have historically taken me and my children on holiday once a year which they've paid for, it's usually a luxury holiday I'd never be able to afford myself.

Am now living with my new partner who has 3 children and we're getting married next year.

My parents would like to again take me and my children on holiday next year. What should I do? We couldn't afford for my partner and his children to come, should I ask my parents to pay for us all? Decline and say because we are now an extended family and as we can't afford for all the family to go I will have to decline as equality within the family is important.

I just don't know what the right thing is to do and it's causing a lot of tension and arguments between me and my partner.

Thanks x

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2018 11:30

What’s causing the aggro and tension? You absolutely can’t ask your parents to pay for him and his children, that’s crazy, is that what he expects?

Does he take his DC away on his own? If so then I think it’s fine for you to go with yours on a holiday with your parents. It’s healthy and your normal. He has no right to try and stop it, the arrangement precedes him being in your life and it’s good for your children to have time away with their mum and GPs.

MaybeDoctor · 29/07/2018 11:32

If your new partner’s children will be living with you all or most of the time, then I don’t think you should go.

If they are not resident there, then perhaps you could still go...am not totally sure about that.

What about paying the difference so that your new spouse and step children can also come?

takeittakeit · 29/07/2018 11:33

go on holiday with your parents and kids

MaybeDoctor · 29/07/2018 11:34

Whoops, just saw that you cannot pay the difference.

MeridianB · 29/07/2018 11:37

If your DP is arguing that your parents should pay for him and his children then he’s being completely bonkers and I’d question whether I’d want to move in with him.

If he’s saying you can’t go with your children then that’s a different matter.

Original poster
Andrewsgirl · 29/07/2018 11:41

His children live with us half the time.

He's not saying my parents should pay, he's just very concerned about how his children will feel (inferior) because they're not going.

I just don't know how to solve this and what he right / best thing to do for everyone and our family.

Thanks x

OP posts:
Damia · 29/07/2018 11:42

Why not make this the last trip with your parents with just you and make sure your parents understand that when you are married you will be holidaying as a family with ur partner if and when you can and that you understand if that will mean they can no longer afford to pay for everyone. Say the same to your partner. Once more for old times sake with a good chat about the future with them.

xmasbaba2014 · 29/07/2018 11:42

I wouldn't be asking my parents to pay for another 4 people, it sounds like an expensive holiday as it is so I assume this would be a huge extra cost. What does your dp think should happen? Personally in your situation I would go with my children. If your dp chooses not to go that's understandable, he can then holiday with his own DC's.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2018 11:49

If you were planning an expensive holiday for just you and your D.C. and using joint finances to pay for it he might maybe have a point as it could stop you all doing something nice together. But he’s trying to stop your parents doing something lovely and regular for you and that’s not fair.

What happened last year? Were you living together and still went with your DC?

fuzzywuzzy · 29/07/2018 11:50

Do your DP’s DC get a holiday?
Mid so are you and your DC expected not to holiday unless with them? That’s not fair.

I’d go on holiday with your DC & parents, it’s family tradition long established way before you got together with your new DP.

Moving forward you may as a family decide to take your own separate family holidays and not go with your parents.

It’s not reasonable to expect your parents to pay for your DP & is DC

greenlanes · 29/07/2018 11:50

Presumably your partner's children holiday with their mother, so they have extra holidays on that side of the family,

It is lovely for your parents to have treated you and your children in the past and that is their choice if they choose not to extend the expensive treat to new relations.

Perhaps you could suggest in future years going somewhere cheaper as a whole family together with your mum and dad, but maybe they don't want to spend time with your partners children? Again their choice.

MissWimpyDimple · 29/07/2018 11:53

Do your partners children go away with their mum/mums family etc?

DD has a step family with her dad. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if stepmums parents took them away without her.

Aprilshowersinjuly · 29/07/2018 11:53

Presumably their dm has the opportunity to take her dc on holiday in her time?
Why should your dc miss out on holidays with dgps and you?
Unfair to the dgps also!
Hardly the right footing to accept step siblings if they miss out?

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2018 12:03

It’s a fair point that it won’t do much for family relations if your DC realise their new step dad and siblings are the reason they don’t get their usual quality time with grandparents.

absoluteclassic · 29/07/2018 12:13

I think that your partners approach of looking at this solely from his children's point of view is unreasonable. He is worried that they may feel left out, a valid point. However, his children have not been on this holiday before and have no expectation of it. It would be nice in an ideal world to be able to afford for everyone to go but it would be extremely unfair to ask for your parents to pay for an extra 4 people to go. Tbh whilst they are probably accepting of their new step grand children they likely want to spend this time as they have always done with their grand children and that is why they are willing to pay for it.

However, how will your children feel if you do not go? Blending families will have already caused a bit of change and upheaval in their lives. Removing a family holiday that has happened every year with their grandparents because of their step siblings could make them very resentful. I would go on the holiday with your parents and children. Dh can take his own kids away or their mum can take them away.

TooSassy · 29/07/2018 12:49

Hold on. Your new partner thinks his DC will feel inferior about not going on holiday so as a result you and your DC should compromise on quality time with your parents? And it’s once a year?

I think you need to sit down and communicate about finances. And quickly pre the wedding. In this situation I would categorically be prepared to explain to my Dc (if I was in your partners shoes) that they can afford the holiday and it is their quality time. That this is in no way indicative of how much children are loved and that I will do something special for them 1 on 1. On the flip side I would expect you to explain to your children that they need to return and not be constantly gushing about how amazing a time they had.

I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s fair that your DC miss out on quality grandparent time because of your new situation. And your partner should understand that.

Wallywobbles · 29/07/2018 12:50

Presumably his kids get other holidays that yours don't go on. This is or should be a non issue.

My step kids have just spent 3 weeks in Spain with their Mum. We have them 50/50.

My kids spent 10 days in Tunisia with their paternal grandmother.

All non issues. My kids do stuff, his kids do stuff. We do some stuff together. Sometimes his kids come for less time on our trips.

funinthesun18 · 29/07/2018 14:05

I would go. They are going in holiday with their mum, the same way your dsc’s go on holiday with their mum.
My children went away with my parents last year to a caravan holiday for a week. Dsc did go. However, dsc DID go on a long haul holiday with dp’s parents (shared grandparents with my children) a few months before my children went away. There was no invite for my children so naturally there was no invite for dsc with my parents.

funinthesun18 · 29/07/2018 14:06

Dsc didn’t go

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 29/07/2018 14:14

Why can’t he take his own children on holiday? Does he seriously expect you to ask your parents to cover his costs too?!

Labradoodliedoodoo · 29/07/2018 14:17

YOU should continue to holiday with your kids and your parents as you do every year. It’s a tradition. To ease things your DH could take his own children to Lego land or similar

greendale17 · 29/07/2018 14:19

Why should your dc miss out on holidays with dgps and you? Unfair to the dgps also!

^This. I would go and leave partner and step kids at home

LucyLou49 · 29/07/2018 14:24

I would still go but try and plan it for a time when your sc aren't due to be with you.

TheBlueDot · 29/07/2018 14:26

Blending families doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. Your dc and his dc have different relations and family traditions. It’s no issue for you to carry on with your gp tradition of taking you and dc away.

If your partner has an issue with this because he deems it unfair on him and his dc, he is expecting you and your dc to compromise too much. You aren’t one big happy family that’s been together since dc were born and being ‘fair’ is not the same as it would be if these were all your birth dc.

funinthesun18 · 29/07/2018 14:28

You hear all the time why should the dsc’s lives have to alter because of a new relationship. Well it should work both ways and your children should still get their holiday with their mum and grandparents like they always do.
Your dp can always do something with his kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

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