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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Financial inequality within the family

95 replies

Andrewsgirl · 29/07/2018 11:27

I just wondered what peoples were thoughts on how to handle this situation. My parents have historically taken me and my children on holiday once a year which they've paid for, it's usually a luxury holiday I'd never be able to afford myself.

Am now living with my new partner who has 3 children and we're getting married next year.

My parents would like to again take me and my children on holiday next year. What should I do? We couldn't afford for my partner and his children to come, should I ask my parents to pay for us all? Decline and say because we are now an extended family and as we can't afford for all the family to go I will have to decline as equality within the family is important.

I just don't know what the right thing is to do and it's causing a lot of tension and arguments between me and my partner.

Thanks x

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 29/07/2018 19:26

Is this the same guy you were telling us about in 2016, OP?

OrangeMarshmellows · 29/07/2018 19:29

I don't really know what's right I suppose that depends on your family.

We are a 'blended' family, my partner has a son from previous relationship. My parents love him and treat him the same as our daughter who came along a few years later. And would absolutely pay for all of us to go. Saying that- it's different if there's 4 of them and they actually can't afford to do so.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 29/07/2018 19:36

You have investment income that enables you to work part time, yet you can never hope to afford a holiday; and he works full time but can’t afford one either?!
And one or both of you though it would be a good idea to tap your parents for a holiday for all of you?
You haven’t an ounce of pride between the pair of you

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 29/07/2018 19:38

But you’re not married and he only moved in this year. He’s got a bit of a neck feeling excluded because they won’t fund his holiday Hmm

Plumsofwrath · 29/07/2018 19:41

Hang on: a portion of your salary + investments are going towards a holiday that only he and his children are going on? So money you’re earning is going from your kids to his? That doesn’t sound right in a 50/50 scenario.

As for your parents, you’d be mad to deny your parents and your children the continued right to enjoy each other (on holiday if that’s what your parents want). You’d be placing DP’s kids’ feelings of inferiority (if they actually transpire) above this important relationship between grandparents/grandchildren. Every shade of wrong

Your DP needs to make it clear to his kids that some people have more than they do and that’s that. I mean, that’s life isn’t it?

Original poster
Andrewsgirl · 29/07/2018 19:51

We can afford to go on holiday and we do, we just couldn't afford to go on a holiday at the level my parents take me and the children on.
He asked if he could take money from the mutual pot as that's the only holiday money that's saved, I felt awful saying no he couldn't but that I'd then go on a luxury holiday with my parents and he could go on any holiday with his children. Neither of us thought it was a good idea to 'tap my parents up' as you put it. I asked people what they thought. I've not been in this situation before and I've no idea how other step families and step grandparents work- do you treat everyone equally? Is it ok for grandparents to spend more on their grandchildren than their step grandchildren. I have no idea what the norm is or what's right. This is a complete minefield to me and why I came on to ask for advise and support, not to be critised and attacked!

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 29/07/2018 19:55

But his kids aren’t your parent’s step grandkids, are they?
You clearly haven’t even been together a year yet, if this hasn’t arisen before. Bit early to be insisting that your parents should treat them equally?

Original poster
Andrewsgirl · 29/07/2018 20:01

its arisen now beacaue we now all live together and are getting married next year. My children and I went last year, and there were no problems but we'd only been living together a few months and the holiday had been booked 9 months before.

OP posts:
disconnecteddrifter · 29/07/2018 20:03

I think it would cause resentment if you and your kids went on a luxury holiday and the other children weren't able to do that. It's just not fair. You are a family, not flatmates

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 29/07/2018 20:11

Apart from the cost involved in financing a luxury holiday for an extra four people - why would your parents want those extra children that they barely know there?
That sounds harsh, but they clearly don’t know them as well as you do.
It’s an odd thing to expect; having them included on holidays the grandparents arrange to spend time with their grandchildren.
Buying them Christmas presents - yes.
Taking them on holiday - no.

Iflyaway · 29/07/2018 20:20

Why on earth have you set a wedding date before hammering out these fundamental details of blending a family?

PP upthread sensibly mentioned wills - have you even come to an agreement on that?

Blending families will always mean different situations for the children. (Wthe other parent is still in the picture).

I would be more convinced personally if he sat down his kids to explain that than expecting me to give up an annual family tradition that is beneficial to me, my parents and DC. You also sow the seeds of resentment in them (parents, your kids) for it, which you personally will have to deal with and certainly won't smooth any path to blending a family!

Iflyaway · 29/07/2018 20:23

When the other parent is still in the picture

GrayDays · 29/07/2018 20:35

Yes of course your parents should paid for them or you shouldn’t go! My ds dad wants to take him away for a week to spain but I said he could but only if he takes my other ds from my new relationship. It’s not fair if one goes and not the other!
They are brothers.
I’m being sarcastic. Life isn’t fair and you as adults blend families, and you have to make the best choice not what makes everyone equal all the time.

Ariclock · 29/07/2018 20:38

The way I see it is that your children shouldn't be worse off by your dp moving in. If they lose their big holiday because your dp objects to it how is that fair to them? They should come first.

HannahnotAgnes · 29/07/2018 20:45

Not going sounds very unfair on your DC & also on your DParents being able to spend quality time with you & your DCs. Your DC shouldn't be worse off because you're getting married Confused

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2018 20:56

Sorry, he hasn’t made any plans or provisions to take his own kids on holiday so has asked to raid your joint savings wryly are half yours to pay for himself and only his to have a holiday, while he wants you and your DC to miss out on an entirely free holiday that’s a happy family tradition that was in place long before he or his DC were even in the picture?!!!

It gets worse and worse.

He’s completely childish and selfish, he doesn’t care about your children and it’s far too soon to get married when you’ve got fundamental issues like this. You’re not on the same page. He’s on his own page and he needs to grow up.

Original poster
Andrewsgirl · 29/07/2018 21:08

That's what I'm worried about Anne- this is what I'm fearing, is he being really childish and selfish and this shouldn't even be a issue. Just a positive opportunity for the children and me, which is how I'd see it if it was visa Versa.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2018 21:31

Based on this, and I don’t know anything else about him, he’s being incredibly selfish and immature. Not easy to hear but true all the same.

Your children should be your first priority. You’re not taking anything away from his by having a lovely holiday with yours and your parents. He’s their parent and it’s up to him to explain to them that things aren’t always equal, if they even care! It’s not your job to make your children go without because he’s not willing to be a grown up about things.

You’ve had loads of good advice and there are a lot of things you need to think about now, not after you’re married. It’s very very important to have open honest conversations about money, plans, how you’ll make decisions, handle disagreements, to anticipate issues in advance as much as you can.

You might have set a date but you can postpone and really should if it’ll give you time to get all of this out in the open, not as a one off issue but an indication of your respective attitudes about all sorts of things.

You haven’t been living together long and your children need stability which for now means carrying on with normal things like spending time away with you and their GPs.

TooSassy · 29/07/2018 21:44

OP I’m sorry that you feel attacked on this thread. Plenty of us are not at all attacking you, I for one am asking some fundamental questions. You’re getting married, have you discussed prenuptial agreements, wills, estates, trusts, power of attorneys? I mean there clearly is a monetary discrepancy and this shouldn’t at all cause problems if these fundamentals are discussed upfront and both parties are happy about it.

(And yes even UK courts are taking into account prenuptials regarding finances so long as both parties have been shown to have strong and independent legal advice).

My DP and I are starting discussions about this very thing and consulting lawyers. If we cannot see eye to eye on fundamentals then there is absolutely zero chance that we will move in together, forget marriage.

I absolutely intend on my side of my estate (although not vast) to me left to my DC. I expect the same for him and his DC. The only sticking points become joint assets ( the sticking point being that I don’t know how that is worked out) that we gain once together which I then think would be split between all the DC.

Regarding holidays, if My DP decided that he wanted a luxury holiday with his DC and the budget didn’t extend to myself and mine, I would wholeheartedly support him going and enjoy some quality time with my own DC. And if my DC were to get jealous I would have no qualms in explaining that this is special daddy/ DC time and that I cannot afford to do the same. I would expect the same consideration in return.

Too many families in this situation force way too much to happen together all the time. Some separate family time is important IMO.

OP, I worry that this will become harder and not easier to navigate as time passes. The resentment will grow not lessen. You have to bottom this out. I cannot believe your DP is making an issue out of this

ourkidmolly · 29/07/2018 22:29

I just have a sense that this relationship is not a good one and that you should ask an impartial friend their advice irl.

Charley50 · 29/07/2018 22:42

Unless he is really skint I don't think the money for his holiday with his kids should be from the shared pot. And they don't need to have an equally luxurious holiday; a budget doesn't mean they can't have a good time.

LookAtIt · 29/07/2018 23:32

I don't think there is a set right and wrong for things like this, all that matters is that you and your partner agree on what's going to happen.

You are making a massive mistake if you think it's a good idea to get married to someone who you can't talk things through with. It's unfair on your and his children. I actually think it's selfish of you and your partner to put the kids in this situation. What happens if your parents want to help out your kids when they are older? For example with driving lessons or university costs?

LookAtIt · 29/07/2018 23:51

OP
Is this the same guy you’ve had lots of problems with before? If so then I guess you can’t be suprised by this.

HeddaGarbled · 30/07/2018 00:03

I don’t think you’d really see it as “a positive opportunity” for him and his children if he went on a luxury holiday funded by his parents every year while you and your children were left at home.

Time to grow up and be independent now. Throw in your lot with your new husband and holiday together and pay for it yourselves like proper families do.

If your parents want to treat you and their grandchildren, there are ways of doing it that aren’t so divisive.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/07/2018 05:20

My DP goes on an annual holiday with his dads family, it’s a very expensive holiday and it’s family tradition (all his siblings go). I don’t mind it at all and would not dream of expecting either using family money to tag along or expecting his dad to finance me. We’ve been together for a good while.
We have family holidays together.

OP, it sounds like your DP is keeping a mental log of everything you and your children have and expecting him and his children to get exactly the same.

Unless his lifestyle and income allows it, there’s going to be discrepancies financially between your two children. Is your partner going to expect your parents to pay towards his DC each time they pay for yours?

I honestly don’t think you should marry this man just yet, or ever if he’s the man you’ve written previous threads about. He is selfish and self serving & doesn’t really prioritise or care much about you or your needs/feelings.

Have you discussed wills together? You’ve got investments and presumably your house is he expecting you to will those to his children equally?

I don’t think in this instance blending two families will work. He’s expecting to gain from your lifestyle at the expense of your DC’s lifestyle.
What do you and your DC get from this relationship, he gets to move in to your home, expects to benefit from your family finances . And your DC lose time they spend with their GP annually and their holiday. Bet there’s a lot more he’s expecting you and your DC not to have if his DC don’t have it.