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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Financial inequality within the family

95 replies

Andrewsgirl · 29/07/2018 11:27

I just wondered what peoples were thoughts on how to handle this situation. My parents have historically taken me and my children on holiday once a year which they've paid for, it's usually a luxury holiday I'd never be able to afford myself.

Am now living with my new partner who has 3 children and we're getting married next year.

My parents would like to again take me and my children on holiday next year. What should I do? We couldn't afford for my partner and his children to come, should I ask my parents to pay for us all? Decline and say because we are now an extended family and as we can't afford for all the family to go I will have to decline as equality within the family is important.

I just don't know what the right thing is to do and it's causing a lot of tension and arguments between me and my partner.

Thanks x

OP posts:

LuluBellaBlue · 29/07/2018 14:32

Wow he’s seriously selfish, he’s putting his and his children’s needs above yours and your children’s.
This would be a huge red flag for me.
He’s basically saying, because he can’t afford a holiday like this, then you’re not allowed to enjoy one either.

Cherubfish · 29/07/2018 14:41

I think that you and your partner need to discuss this as part of a wider conversation about how to treat all the children. It's really important to have this conversation in a general way - not just limited to this situation.

Think of different scenarios and discuss how you're going to approach them. Eg if you take your DC for a day out to a theme park, would your partner expect it to be on a day when his DC are with you? What about when your DC are with their Dad and he wants to do something with just his DC? What about if his DC are taken on holiday by their mum and your DC don't get to go? How about Christmas presents etc?

Hopefully he'll see that trying to treat all the DC exactly the same is impossible and this holiday is just one example of that.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 29/07/2018 17:26

Is your partner going on this holiday? If so, his children should attend. If not, then there is no issue. It is the same as the step children going away with their mum or maternal family.

lunar1 · 29/07/2018 17:34

Take your children on the holiday. I think given that he's not going it's a non issue. It only wouldn't be fair if all of a sudden he was going on luxury holidays that couldn't include his children.

He's being selfish to try and deny you and yours something you have always done.

AJPTaylor · 29/07/2018 17:39

i think its wrong to stop your kids enjoying a holiday with their grandparents.
how old are all the children?

LoveProsecco · 29/07/2018 18:10

I think you should go with your DC if your DPs invite you again. It's not fair to expect your parents to pa for him & his DC

Spanglyprincess1 · 29/07/2018 18:12

My parents are doing this for dp me and my baby next year but it's in non school holidays. So step children can't go. Were taking them away within the UK in summer holidays with baby so are doing a family holiday.
I'd say you n children go, you can explain its a present from your parents if asked as I bet they go away with their DM family. Dp can stay or come as he sees fit.
You can then all go away somewhere cheap as a family later on which will be nice

nellyolsenscurl · 29/07/2018 18:14

I would personally not attempt to blend a family where there is such disparity as it will cause resentment down the line somewhere. OP are you ok with your dc missing out because your partner thinks it is unfair? I wouldn't be.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 29/07/2018 18:17

How did he react when you suggested you ask your parents to also fund the holiday for himself and his three children, op?
I can’t believe it actually entered either of your grasping heads, tbh.

ourkidmolly · 29/07/2018 18:23

They have different grandparents and different mothers so there will be different experiences and expectations. It's absolutely fine for you to holiday with your family separately to him and his children. How long have you been together? I'd be moving forward cautiously.

Clairetree1 · 29/07/2018 18:25

for goodness sake, go! Take your children and have lovely time.

and keep going every year, until your parents are unable to continue

They are so lucky to have generous well-off grandparents who want to spend quality time with them, why on earth would you deny this to them just in case somebody else feels jealous?

Any one who feels jealous of this arrangement will just have to learn to deal with the jealously, just like all of us do when anybody is luckier than us in some way or another we wish we had to!

Thats just life.

your step kids will be lucky with some of their relatives or life circumstances in ways your children are not.

What if one of the step kids wins a scholarship to a really prestigious school or something at some stage, or excels in a particular sport or instrument.

You are not going to turn round and say "no, you can't have that, because y kids might feel jealous" are you?

Your kids will have wondeful memories of being cherished and loved by their grandparents which will last a life time, because their grandparents are doing this for them - it the grandparents were totally skint and taking them camping instead, it would have the same effect, love and sharing. The fact that it is expensive and luxurious is not the main point at all

Ariclock · 29/07/2018 18:31

I would still keep going on the yearly holiday as it would be unfair for your children to miss out. If you stop the holidays for your dp it may cause resentment from your kids (and rightly so)

Summerisdone · 29/07/2018 18:35

I feel this is a very difficult one, on the one hand I completely see where your OH is coming from and my first thought would have been for you to politely decline the holiday from now on, but then on the other hand, if this is the only opportunity for you and your children to get away each year, then it's dependent if the step kids get a holiday with their mother.
It would be unfair for you and the children to not get a holiday because you're becoming a new bigger family, if the majority of the new family still get a holiday themselves.

One thing I think you should absolutely not do however, is ask your parents to pay the extra for everyone else.

Ariclock · 29/07/2018 18:36

Ps the fact that it's causing arguments between you and your dp would be a red flag for me. It seems that he's very focused on his kids missing out but doesn't seem concerned about the impact on your kids or your parents.

swingofthings · 29/07/2018 18:44

You haven't provided enough information to judge what is fair or not. For instance, if your OH is working FT and main breadwinner, whilst you work PT so your kids can have more of your time, and a good chunk of his income goes on your kids so they can have a good life, money that he then can't save to take his kids on a luxury holiday, then yes, I think your OH has a very good point that it isn't fair.

If however you both pay 50/50 in every thing, but you are lucky that your parents can pay for a nice holiday for you and your kids, then your OH has to accept it. Personally, if it was me, I would ask my parents if they would mind giving the cash instead, then I would agree with my OH to cut down and put X asides a month and then we would all go somewhere we can afford, but I still don't think it would be unfair to go with your parents.

Cherubfish · 29/07/2018 18:51

I think it would be cheeky to ask for the cash instead, swingofthings. After all, presumably the grandparents do it mainly to give themselves the chance to spend quality time with OP and her DC.

HollowTalk · 29/07/2018 18:57

Massive red flag here.

For one thing, even when you're married, it would still be good (in my opinion) to have some time when it's just you and your kids. That is completely normal. And it's normal for your parents to want some time with you and your kids, too. I'm sure they'll be great step-grandparents, but that doesn't mean they want to see all of you all the time.

But your partner wants to deprive your children of something in order that his benefit. That's just not fair. He's putting himself and his children ahead of you and your family.

I know there's a lot of LTB on here and I've said it enough times, god knows, but I'd be very wary of marrying this man.

TooSassy · 29/07/2018 18:57

Op have you and your DP had serious conversations about wills and inheritances? Power of attorneys? All sorts of incredibly important issues. Especially if your parents are wealthy?

I know inheritances and discussions about them are not the done thing, but these are difficult conversations I am currently having with my DP before we even think about moving in together. We will then be ratifying things legally.

What happens (in the sad situation) that your parents pass? I’m not suggesting you have this convo with them by the by. I’m suggesting that you discuss scenarios that can cause arguments. But what happens if they decide to bypass you for inheritance (because they don’t want their wealth going to your new blended family situation) and leave their money in trust for their DGC? WWYD if they are able to give their DGC deposits for their first properties? Would that not be ok or fair either?

WWYD? And more importantly how would your partner react to these sorts of situations? Financial imparity can have much more far reaching implications than just holidays. And unless you both understand how you will navigate this and potential wider issues, this will continue to cause problems.

nellyolsenscurl · 29/07/2018 19:00

Ask for cash instead?! The GP's presumably are paying for the holiday as they want to spend quality time together.

I'm cringing imagining the conversation asking for cash reimbursement.

Chewbecca · 29/07/2018 19:00

Can you not go at the same time the DSC are on holiday with their mother?

Am also uncomfortable about the fact your DP is causing a row over this rather than thinking through options and jointly selecting the best (or least worst) for all involved.

TooSassy · 29/07/2018 19:02

+1 on the asking for the cash as the worst advice ever. Completely inappropriate. This person is fortunate enough to have parents who are prepared to spend their money in this way to create lovely memories for everyone.

HollowTalk · 29/07/2018 19:03

I've just looked back at your other threads, OP.

This man is nothing but trouble. Re-read your old threads and remind yourself what he's really like. This holiday is the very least of your problems.

Your mum and dad (from what you've said in your threads) sound really lovely. Do they know everything that you've said on here about him? I'm sure they'd help you start again if need be.

This man has given you nothing but heartache. If you marry him, you will regret it.

swingofthings · 29/07/2018 19:05

The GP's presumably are paying for the holiday as they want to spend quality time together
Again it depends on the circumstances, whether it is indeed to spend quality time together, or because they want to treat their DD and GCs. If it was my parents, they would have no issue giving me cash instead of the holiday if that's what made me happy.

Original poster

Andrewsgirl · 29/07/2018 19:06

We share all our finances 50/50. I work PT and he works FT but I have investments which mean that I am very fortunate and only have to work PT. we put aside money each month to pay for family holidays and I've said that if my partner wants to go away and spend some time with his children that week then he should and use money from the saved pot. my partner has said my children and I shouldn't miss out but that he has issues around his children feeling like they are missing out and my partner feels excluded from my family. He said these are his issues to get over. I agree they are but I also think this issue will rear its ugly head time and again, not just over holidays but in other ways. But how and is it even possible to resolve?

OP posts:

swingofthings · 29/07/2018 19:11

I know that my ex' parents would never have paid for him to go away on holiday with our kids after he got with his partner who also had two kids. From their perspective, the moment they go together, they became one family and I personally think this is right.

Would posters said the same if it was the other way around? There's been a number of threads of SM complaining that their OH's parents treat their grand children with better presents than they do to their step-grandkids, and the consensus response is that it is not fair and the grand parents should treat them all equally now that their son is with a new family.

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