Financial inequality within the family

[Andrewsgirl]

I just wondered what peoples were thoughts on how to handle this situation. My parents have historically taken me and my children on holiday once a year which they've paid for, it's usually a luxury holiday I'd never be able to afford myself.

Am now living with my new partner who has 3 children and we're getting married next year.

My parents would like to again take me and my children on holiday next year. What should I do? We couldn't afford for my partner and his children to come, should I ask my parents to pay for us all? Decline and say because we are now an extended family and as we can't afford for all the family to go I will have to decline as equality within the family is important.

I just don't know what the right thing is to do and it's causing a lot of tension and arguments between me and my partner.

Thanks x

Hang on. From what I can tell, you have joint savings. He isn't allowed to take out of it for a holiday for him and his kids. But you get a holiday paid for.

This isn't fair at all. If you arent going to act as one family. IE either all go together or not at all. Then you shouldn't be saving as one.

I do think he is acting childishly, but you haven't really thought about how this will all work. Before you both moved in together with your kids. It's not just the holiday.

I would be pissed off if I had joint savings with Dp, couldn't use them for me and my kids and he got a luxury holiday.

No way would I be putting into a joint savings pot.

Why is it out of order for him to use the savings to take his kids on holiday while you’re on holiday with your DC and parents? Surely half of the savings is his?

I actually don’t think he’s being selfish and immature, long-term it will cause resentment if his kids see their new step siblings every year getting a holiday and they don’t. Either he uses the savings to take them away at the same time, you ask your parents to do a cheaper holiday that he can afford to join you on and bring his kids (with him/your savings paying not your parents) or you don’t do the holiday with parents as frequently anymore and prioritise saving to all go away together

I kinda understand but this is not a new thing that's started its something that predates him.

Would he as bothered if it were a week in a caravan at the seaside?

I agree that the issue is not about the holiday itself but how finances within the household has been agreed. If this trip is an annual one and you went on it last year, then how come you are only discussing it now?

I also agree that you he works FT and you work PT with investments making up the difference, then there should be enough to afford for him to take his kids away.

You are fortunate to have well off parents and of course it is their choice to pay for you and your children to go, but don't you feel that your OH and his kids also deserves some sort of holiday? If he is very poor managing his money and that's the reason why he can't take them, fair enough, but if it is because he is paying more in than he used to, then no, it's not fair.

You haven't responded to the questions about your finances, yet this is the crux to deciding what is fair and what isn't.

Big red flag. If you marry this men I feel sorry for your children!

It's completely unfair that he wants to spend your joint savings on himself and his children only. Why should you pay for them? I would agree he takes half but no more.
Do his children holiday with their mother?

I get the feeling "joint savings" means he has access to the OP's money.

People need to read the OP's previous threads to get a real picture of what's happening.

I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s fair that your DC miss out on quality grandparent time because of your new situation. And your partner should understand that

I agree.

I think it would be cheeky to ask for the cash instead,

Very cheeky indeed.

I wouldn't want money from the joint pot going to a holiday for him and his kids only either.

I don't think your parents should have to buy his kids presents of the same value.

Will their GP be buying things for your DC. Of course not.

Why should ypur DCs get a worse deal because you get married?

Will he get upset because GP buy yours gadgets that his don't have?

At the very least let your DC go in the future, even if it means you stay home.

Please get legal advice and protect yourself and your DC as you're marrying this man.

Lots of red flags. Not least I remember the excessive contact with his EX wife.

I think as a general rule on this forum what seems to be fair is the situation when our own children don't lose out. Same situation when our kids lose out and it becomes unfair!

swing you’re deliberately twisting what many posters on this thread (including myself) have said.

It’s NOT two rules and I’ve made that very clear. If my DP wanted to take his DC on a ten grand uber luxury holiday because he wanted to spend his money that way, I would send him off with hugs and tell him to have the best quality bonding time. My DC would have it explained to them that I don’t have the money to spend in that way. That I love them and we will do fun things within my budget.

They are going to meet people their whole life with differing socio economic backgrounds. Learning to understand that some people have plenty of money (as a result of inheritance or luck or work) and some people don’t is an important lesson to learn. It is also important to understand that money does not buy happiness.

I categorically do not agree that the OP’s DC’s should miss out on a lovely family tradition. Simply because her DP’s children may be hurt. As myself and other posters have asked. What happens in the future if these DGP’s are able to help with uni fees? Or first house deposits? Or driving lessons? Should those also be turned down as it isn’t fair?

This is the normal for both sets of DC.

OP’s DC get one holiday with their grandparents.

OP hasn’t said whether he DP’s DC get holidays with their mum(s) family.

And as to using family savings on one side of the family only, that’s not on, how much of the savings has the DP contributed, OP suggested using some of the money but not all which seems fair.

The DP’s DC are not missing out, they don’t have this particular holiday.

The OP’s DC will miss out, it’s their annual holiday.

Also read OP’s past threads, the DP is not particularly nice, kind or generous.

swing you’re deliberately twisting what many posters on this thread (including myself) have said.

I agree with you.

Your parents should not have to choose a cheaper location to allow him and his kids to join you.

If your kids miss out ...they'll resent him/his kids and you for allowing it.

Them missing out could also affect your relationship with your parents and theirs with him.

I don't think he's worth risking any of those things for.

I'm of the view that marriage or a relationship should enhance my life...not make me worse off in any way. This marriage is taking away from your kids...not adding. Think carefully

How many posts have there been by SMs over the years complaining that their kids couldn't go on holidays because their partner wouldn't go without his children and they couldn't afford for all to go stating that it was unfair cause the SCs already went on holiday with their mum's family and the majority of posters agree that it's not fair that their kids couldn't enjoy a holiday too even though it meant their SD contributing toward the holiday.

I don think it is wrong that OP and her kidd should go with her family but I don't think it is wrong either for the joint account to contribute towards a holiday for her OH and kids. Maybe they could arrange to go when OPs kids are with their dad and she joins her OH and his kids on that holiday.

OP said DP can use some money to go on holiday with his kids just not all the money, which is fair.

And no SM has come on here saying her DP won’t allow them to take a long standing holiday with her family because his DC won’t be present. If she did the responses would be the same.

The problem here is actually the DP, is jealous and wants the lifestyle of OP & her DC & if he wants to use her money to finance it or make her DC miss out.

I’ve got a specific lifestyle my DC are happy with it and don’t expect my DP’s family to provide them with the lifestyle they’d like to become accustomed to and Wichita is normal for them and their half sister.

The DP has seen this OP coming, it won’t end well. Unfortunately it’s her and her DC who will bear the brunt.

The problem here is actually the DP, is jealous and wants the lifestyle of OP & her DC & if he wants to use her money to finance it or make her DC miss out.

Exactly.

He could not afford as nice a holiday for his kids without the OPs money/ contribution.

Swing I think the difference between the previous threads you’re referring to and this one is that the OP and her DP do not have any shared children.
It’s unfair for resident biological children to miss out on holidays because their parents can’t afford to take their half-siblings along who are having holidays elsewhere with other families.

However I think the situation is totally different when it’s 2 separate sets of children with no shared parents. Why should OP’s DCs not have a holiday they’ve always had because mum’s DP’s kids now feel entitled to come which is not financially doable?

It’s ridiculous. My DP and I holiday together with all our kids once a year (2 his, 2 mine - none together) but I also take my kids away and do things with them whenever my budget allows without even thinking of the SC’s, because they’re not my kids and they get the same treats from their mum and dad.

I still holiday with just my mum and my kids at least once a year, often twice without feeling that I need to include my SCs (or even DP at times)

DP and I also do trips away just the two of us with no children at all.

There’s a difference between equity and equality... equality is unachievble and unrealistic in blended families. Equity isn’t so strive for what’s best for each part of the family or each child individually rather than trying to force equality where it is impossible due to having different families/incomes etc.

OP I agree with PP who said your children should not be worse off and missing out as a result of your relationship. Your DP’s kids have never had this holiday, they are not “missing out” on anything at all. But to stop your DCs having this annual treat would be uncredibly selfish of your DP.

I think your do is being an idiot.

Presumably their maternal grandparents could take them away on holiday if wanted to. Whether they can afford it is a other issue. Your DC should not miss out because somebody else can't afford something.

My Dss has been on loads more holidays that my children', his half brothers and sisters. His mum can afford it we can't. That's just life.

Where does is stop? Your parents are only allowed to spend £10 at Christmas because that is all the other can afford? Doesn't work like that.

I doubt his kids will be that bothered.

Io have you had a sensible conversation yesterday about wills and inheritance.as that could be tricky if your dpnhas the mindset which he seems to.

@Andrewsgirl - I really hope you go on your holiday next year. I think it's very unfair that your dcs' treat with their grandparents should have to end because your dp has issues he needs to get his head around.
My kids (12, 16 & 21) have two half siblings (2 & 3) on their dad's side.
My parents are dead & their paternal dgps live in another country & they rarely see them. Their sm's mum & dad are around a lot & are very kind & very good to my kids - always buy them gifts at Xmas, give them holiday money etc. - but they absolutely does not treat them the way they treat their actual grandchildren & nor should they be expected to! My kids are totally fine with this - & initially were even uncomfortable taking money from them (got over that quick enough ) - because they understand the family's dynamic, because they've been taught to. They understand these people love them but not in the same way as they love their own daughter's kids & that's normal, just as they love their sm & sf but not in the same way as they love me & their dad & this is totally fine & the adults have no issues or insecurities around this.
Your dp needs to start explaining these dynamics to his kids from the start or I would think your are in for a very rocky ride down the road. Your parents have a yearly tradition established with you & your kids that has nothing to do with him or his kids & is no reflection on him and his kids. Your parents aren't being exclusionary, they just want to spend time with you & your kids as they have always done & speaking as someone whose parents are no longer around, this is precious time so cherish it.
It sounds like your dp has a lot of work to do around this bloody guilt so many separated/divorced dads have with regards to their kids.

My exh wasn't in a position to take our kids on foreign holidays for many years whereas I was. It was explained to our kids that dad had two small babies & that holidays with him would be staycations for a few years. I don't have other kids so they accepted that I was in a position to do something more exotic with them & they didn't think any the less of their dad because of this or feel like they were missing out or being let down by him. Honestly this dad guilt creates soooo much strife & entitlement it's unreal & if your dp is open to talking I'd really try and get him to look at this.
Best of luck & enjoy your holiday.