So you don’t want to see your DD for the entirety of the summer holidays but still expect full maintenance as well as help with uniform?

[nonnatushouse]

DSD’s DM told us last Friday that DSD was ours for the entirety of the six weeks holiday. She’s resident parent and we have DSD every weekend and most of the school holidays but never for the absolute entirety.

We’d initially agreed that we’d have DSD for the first two weeks then back to her mums for two weeks then back to us for the last two weeks.

DSD’s DM gets £350 per month in maintenance (she’d get much less if this was arranged through the CSA) OH has rung her tonight to suggest that for the six week period, he pays DSD’s DM £200 plus £50 to help cover uniform etc. She’s not happy with this. She’s still expecting £575 for the 6 week period inc money for DSD’s uniform. I think this is ludicrous, he’s been fair offering her a lesser amount considering we’ll be having DSD for over 6 weeks, we want to be able to do nice things with her over the holidays too but won’t be able to afford to! Not to mention the added childcare costs and clubs etc as we both work.

Your DH has been completely fair
After she shouldn’t stop it as she still has rent and council tax etc but will be spending considerably less on washing food going out and electric etc which will all go up in your house

Check your DSD isn’t upset Mum is happy to not see her for six weeks either as that sounds very upsetting and dysfunctional

If your OH was paying the recommended amount of maintenance, then he would be in the wrong. Maintenance payment are pro-rata based on number of nights, divided by 12 months regardless of how much time is spent with one or the other.

It is complicated here if indeed he is paying more than he should. Still a pity that he waited until they'd agreed on her being with him for 6 weeks and already visited to make his announcement. Why couldn't he inform her of his intentions when they agreed on the 6 weeks? It almost sounds like he planned to tell her only now so she wouldn't say no to her coming for 6 weeks.

DSD’s DM told us last Friday that DSD was ours for the entirety of the six weeks holiday.

How is this acceptable? To just spring on you at the end of term.

We’d initially agreed that we’d have DSD for the first two weeks then back to her mums for two weeks then back to us for the last two weeks.

So why did this change?

It's very disrespectful to just change the arrangement without consultation.

Tbh your OH should just give her what he proposed. If she doesn't like it tough.

Does this cause childcare issues for you?

Why couldn't he inform her of his intentions when they agreed on the 6 weeks?

Did you see this?

DSD’s DM told us last Friday that DSD was ours for the entirety of the six weeks holiday.

They never agreed on the six weeks.

I think your dh has been very fair.
6 weeks at short notice is hard but it looks like you've all taken it in your stride.
She can like it or lump it the.

Poor child. What's the reason? I'd hate to not see my baby for that long or the step kids.
Not unreasonable at all in my view esp as dumped at last min so childcare will be a nightmare to arrange

Do you have a record of actual nights spent at each house for the past year? Perhaps this would be a good time to get maintenance properly assessed. Hope your DSD is okay, sounds rough on her to be just dumped by her mum for 6 weeks. How old is she?

I think what OH has offered is fair under the circumstances.

Did she give any reason for not wanting to see her own daughter for 6 weeks? Have they fallen out? How does SD feel about it, must be horrible knowing your mum doesn’t want to see you :(

Whatever the situation with money and childcare, I really hope you are all doing your utmost to prevent the child from feeling like an unwanted pass the parcel.

I assumed OP's DP was pleased to have her for the 6 weeks. If not for whatever reasons of course he should have stood with initial arrangement.

I would separate child maintenance and the holidays...in the scheme of things you are talking about a few hundred pounds.Unless DSD is loaded I don't think you should adjust for a few weeks...be grateful for the extra time.

Always take the higher ground and just make sure dsd is ok

Your DH should tell her, that's what she's getting, end of story. If she's not happy with it, go to the CSA.

I would start giving the CMS recommended amount adjusted for nights with you then 50% of uniform, school expenses, activities...

Holidays are far more expensive in day to day expenditure so that would enable you to afford to do outings and activities accordingly.

I really hope DSD is ok in the middle of this

I think what you’re saying is fair but why don’t you look at the cms website and work out how many nights having her the entire holidays mean you’d have her over the year then work out the difference; if it adds up to about the amount you’re reducing it by over the summer then tell her and if it would mean your DH would pay much less you can explain that to her and give her the choice.

Shes a cheeky fucker - i would buy the uniform yourselves and absolutely reduce the maintenance accordingly.

I hate ‘reducing maintenance’ by Dads - under any circumstances. Kids need their own bedroom, plus everything else and most maintenance, even your OH doesn’t stretch to half of this. Can you imagine paying another adult that for full time care?

Cms was set up to give a minimum amount. It’s not what it costs to bring up a child.

Having said that, it is unreasonable to give you short notice, unreasonable to just palm the boy off for the whole summer.

Girl sorry!

6 weeks is 42 days so Dad would probably be entitled to pay discounted CM if he was paying via CMS.

The Dad will almost certainly be using the "money saved" on costs like food. It's unclear how old his daughter is, he might have to pay childcare costs too after the mum suddenly announcing this change

Hi all, DSD is 8 and seems unaffected by al of this, we’ll see how she is in a couple of weeks time.

This sudden announcement has increased our childcare costs and of course, now we can’t really go for days out as we’re stretched to our limit regarding the maintenance, uniforms, increased food bill and childcare. It’s going to be a real struggle.

DSD’s DM has no rent or mortgage to pay as they live in a house that her partner inherieted. Obviously she still has bills, council tax and uniforms to pay for and DP isn’t going to drop maintenece all together. I agree that maybe he should’ve announced this when he picked DSD up on Friday but I think he was a bit taken aback (albeit, grateful for the extra time)

Thing is if DSD resides with Mum she is the one that can claim tax credits for child care if she had a low income etc whereas you can't so sneaky and unreasonable to drop this on her Dad.

I think your DP will have to drop maintenance to minimum in order to cover increased childcare costs

JuSt reduce it for the holidays as you suggested. What can she do? Not going to withhold contact is she?!!!

This is the thing, we’re going to have to lower the maintenance to cover everything. We have another DD to buy uniforms etc for too, not that any of that is factored into how much maintenece that DP’s ex gets for DSD but it’s still an expense. Two extra weeks of childcare, which equates to 4 days per week at £40 per day is £320 extra over the 6 week period without factoring in extra food costs etc. We simply can’t do it!!

No she definitely wouldn’t withdraw contact and she certainly wouldn’t have grounds to either!

£40 a day for holiday club per child?! You need to find a new one!
My kids is a brilliant club with wrap around cover and is £30 per day and then £25 for subsequent siblings.

I think it would be fair for the mother to pay childcare costs for the 2 weeks she was meant to have her daughter.

Your plan seems perfectly reasonable under the circumstances. You are happy to have DSD for the whole time but it does mean extra costs for you so that will affect maintenance for this period. That's what I'd say. Plus point out if she argues that you want to be able to look after DSD properly and give her a good time and that's the priority, isn't it?