So you don’t want to see your DD for the entirety of the summer holidays but still expect full maintenance as well as help with uniform?

[nonnatushouse]

DSD’s DM told us last Friday that DSD was ours for the entirety of the six weeks holiday. She’s resident parent and we have DSD every weekend and most of the school holidays but never for the absolute entirety.

We’d initially agreed that we’d have DSD for the first two weeks then back to her mums for two weeks then back to us for the last two weeks.

DSD’s DM gets £350 per month in maintenance (she’d get much less if this was arranged through the CSA) OH has rung her tonight to suggest that for the six week period, he pays DSD’s DM £200 plus £50 to help cover uniform etc. She’s not happy with this. She’s still expecting £575 for the 6 week period inc money for DSD’s uniform. I think this is ludicrous, he’s been fair offering her a lesser amount considering we’ll be having DSD for over 6 weeks, we want to be able to do nice things with her over the holidays too but won’t be able to afford to! Not to mention the added childcare costs and clubs etc as we both work.

Op your not being unreasonable in my view. We have the three step kids 12-18 overnights per month and provide most of the childcare after school ( three school days a week) despite living 17miles from the school and the mum living opposite plus she was the one who moved away! Despite this my partner isn't the resident parent so dosnt get any money towards the kids and pays a third of his salery in maintenance because she stops acess else (mental).
I accept that some nrp take the piss as stated here by some posters but so do some rp too!. Plus before anyone says anything about loss of earning my partner was the sahd for his kids so he is one who lost the earning not her.
It would break the bank for us if we were left with the three kids for the entire summer holidays with no notice. Your being entirely reasonable with your suggested plan!
Id also try and look at a more formal agreement if you don't have one so this dosnt occur again and maintenance can be agreed as part of that - I'm pushing my dp to do the same.

Drop it right down to what you can afford, buy the uniform yourselves, and if she doesn't like it she can go through the CMS, find out the exact amount and inform her what she can expect to be paid, taking into consideration the exact amount of nights you have the DSD. State very clearly that the full amount will be reinstated in September.

I'll bet she walk away with the reduced amount and not say another word about it. You need to think of your own children, too. Call her bluff - she'll not want to lose her 6 weeks of selfishness.

I am the resident parent in my case and I was feeling guilty for not dropping the maintenance because Exdh is having them for 2 weeks of the holiday! She is being unreasonable

Yes of course the house and tax etc still need to be paid but she is not having to pay food or living expenses for them

Childcare ...personally we have the rule...whoevers time it is has to pay for the childcare or stay at home so I'm not sure I agree that's her responsibility but she should most definately agree to the drop I cm

I live in Ireland so maintenance & maintenance payments are calculated very differently to in the UK I think. Here maintenance is strictly for use on kids (spousal maintenance is very rarely granted except unless there are exceptional circumstances). I'm the rp & I never take maintenance from my exh if he has the kids beyond his normal access hrs eg. if I go for a weeks holiday without the kids or If he's taking the kids on holidays. All major bills such as back to school stuff we split evenly.
I feel this is fair though I will say that my biggest issue has been - like others have said - a loss of career progression. But I think this is the case for many women whether they're still married or divorced.

It's the childcare that's the killer, we would've managed if she hadn't dropped the extra two weeks on us last minute.

DP would never go through the CSA as quite frankly, the amount that he has to give is pitiful and he can afford more so he pays more. And I agree with this. What I don't agree with is the fact that we’re having DSD for well over a month and she expects full maintenance. Her costs will have gone down and ours have gone up, quite drastically.

It'll be two weeks tomorrow since DSD last saw her mum and she hasn't bothered to ring or text to see if she's ok. We've tried to facilitate this by ringing her our selves and leaving messaged but she's just ignored them.

We were at a party yesterday (niece’s party) and apparently, DSD had piled her plate full of party food and scoffed it down. Followed by cake and then ice cream. I was oblivious to this as poor DN had managed to set her hair on fire blowing her candles out on her cake (she was absolutely fine, just a bit shocked) so I was trying to console DN and took her into the toilets to rinse her hair with water. Anyway, off on a tangent, due to DSD gorging herself, when we came home she vomited everywhere its been the first time she's said she wants her mum. So, again, we tried ringing her and texting her so that we could explain what had happened, I even sent her a message on Facebook (which she has read) and no reply!

She always seems reluctant to spend time with DSD in the holidays.

I agree with Magdas comments on career progression being affected whether being married or not.

I feel so sad this little girl is being ignored by her DM!

She came to see her yesterday, took her for a dentist appointment, then fetched her straight back to us yesterday afternoon with no mention of when she’d be able to see her again. She did tell me she really appreciated us having her but we're not babysitters, OH is her father and I'm her step mum. We have a duty of care to our children. We’are NOT babysitting or doing her a favour. Plus, it's not really the point. She should want to spend time with her DD.

I think lowering the maintenance is a fair deal
Tell her it's the cost of paying for childcare for two extra weeks that she didn't give you time to plan and budget for.
Next time she will hopefully give your more notice.

If she was single I might say see if you can strike a deal
But she's not and she doesn't have big ticket expenses such as rent

Well OH gave in and paid her full maintenance yesterday. I’ve had to take two weeks holiday from work as we just can't afford the childcare. We wouldn't have managed otherwise. I'm not bothered that she doesn't have rent to pay or a mortgage as she will still have council tax, bills and everything else to pay for but she is being grossly unfair by saying that she can't have DD at all these holidays last minute and expecting us to foot the bill for childcare that she should be covering. I'm pissed off with OH right now for letting her walk all over him YET AGAIN.

I’ve got an understanding boss but I could tell he wasn't best pleased.

Poor DSD. At least we’ll get some quality time together and she isn't being passed from pillar to post when she's here.

Pretty much unrelated but I don't suppose anyone knows how to get rid of a cold sore do they? DSD has had one since she came here for the holidays, I've been putting Cymex on it a couple of times a day and it's improved it slightly but it's just not going.

Poor DSD she is probably ran down and possibly stressed?

I think you and DH need to sort out the CM issue, pay her the going rate only then cover childcare costs for x weeks a year direct

RandomMess I think you're right. We really need something that's set in stone. This can't happen again.

She's done similar before but never to this extreme.

We've been trying to get her to rest and she's bee having lie ins, going to bed no later than 8:30. I told her mum yesterday that she may be tired as we had a day out, got back late, tea, bath and story was later than usual so she wouldn’t have gone to bed until 9:30. She said that was early for DSD, she then wakes up between 5am-6am most mornings (we tell her to go back to bed and rest) so no wonder she's tired and run down!

I certainly think you now need to take steps to protect yourselves against this happening in future. You have potentially ten years (although I appreciate childcare costs won't be an issue for all those years).
I would be going through CSM channels and if it is concluded that monthly maintenance is less than what your OH is currently paying then pay only that directly to DSD's mother. Then I would put aside the balance between CSM and what OH feels is fair, to be used exclusively for DSD's benefit - holiday care, clubs, activity courses, uniforms, school journeys, perhaps a weekly pocket money allowance).

Chilli that's a great idea about allocating the difference to a separate pot. Remember if her Mum is cash poor she will be entitled to benefits especially if she is working.

I know one parent who is so dependent on a generous maintenance agreement she is kicking off that her youngest is planning on leaving college early, has refused to work full time and the kick in the stomach is that the cupboards/fridge are bare... to the point the DC have taken photos! Eldest one is working and paying board, no mortgage etc had just never accepted things are going to change!

It's understandable that you are annoyed. It's a lot of money and you are the one having to take time off.
Does the mum/partner work? Do they get tax credits?
Surely two working adults with no rent and no childcare expenses for six weeks, or child related expenses at all for six weeks, should be able to afford their bills, especially if they are still getting £200 maintenance.
Get something set in stone and work it out via cms. If your DP wants to give more monthly, if provisions allow, then he could give it in cash or in a seperate account, maybe in dsd's name. This means that if next summer you had her all summer long again, then he doesn't need to give any extra, just the minimum. You can also factor in how much you see her on weekends and what you do while she is with you, before giving extra and not having enough for when she is with you.
Hope that made sense!
Maintenance shouldn't be seen as another form of income.

Just realised chilli said the same thing but more to the point than me 😂🙈 sorry!

I like that idea, will mention it to OH.

If we went through CMS she would only be getting £20 per week which we think is a bit of a joke to be honest. It would also be an almighty drop from the £87.50 she's getting per week at the moment. And with her being quite a selfish person, I can only think that its DSD who would take the hit from lowering maintenance, not her.

Hopefully giving the rest seperately will save your dsd from taking the hit
As she gets older she can start taking some responsibility for it and learning about money that way too.

Even if you did half so £45 to Mum and then upped to paying school lunches, uniform etc at least you would know where you stood financially etc.

As you all say, some sort of formal, fairer agreement needs to be put in place.

DSD has actually been very upset yesterday afternoon. Her and DD had a fall out (as sisters do) and I found her sat in the bedroom sobbing which is an unusual way for her to react. I asked her what was wrong, whether DD had said/done anything particularly nasty and she just said that when her mum came to pick her up on tuesdah, she thought that she would be going back with her for a few days. She thought that she’d be taking her to see her cousins and her auntie and that they'd have a sleepover there and go swimming but all she did was take her to the dentist and drop her straight back with us.

I thought this was very sad, we can take her swimming and she has DD here to play with but that's not the point, she wants her mum, she misses her and she longs to spend quality time with her. She sounded quite rejected and despondent yesterday although in much better spirits today.
I spoke to OH and told him what DSD had said and he just said ’well she's better off here with us anyway.’

Well her DM came to see her on Tuesday for a day, bought her back on the night then fucked off back home again.

DSD was in such a state ‘I just want my mum, why couldn’t I go back home with her for a bit.’

I’ve told DP that this one day here and one day there is no good for DSD. It’s not right that in 5 weeks her mum has decided not seen her for two days, one day at a time. All it’s doing is leaving DSD distraught. I don’t know what everyone else’s thoughts are on this.

To top it offf, DP broke his arm at work and has it in a sling and a cast so he’s off now, I’ve taken two weeks holiday and we’re a lot worse off than we should be.

I’ve tried putting my foot down with DP, maintenance aside, and telling him that he needs to get his ex to realise that she must step up to the plate, spend time with her DD and realise the impact this is having on her!

Remember if her Mum is cash poor she will be entitled to benefits especially if she is working

Mum will be entitled to those benefits regardless of what maintenance she receives.

I think you need to accept that the ex either doesn't or isn't able to care...

@RandomMess, I think it’s the former. I’m also getting undercurrents if I’ll feeling between DSD and her mum’s partner.

It’s all very odd, she rarely speaks about him although they’ve been together since DSD was 3, so 5 years. She’s also live with him for 4 years. She’s never said anything negative about him nor positive really. When they first got together when DSD was 3 he was mentioned quite a lot but not at all now.

She’s still not herself. I don’t know how to make it better for her

I really think your DSD needs counselling she may open up to someone neutral. I honestly would be concerned that there is the possibility that sinister things have happened that are abusive - even if its just emotional knowing that she isn't welcome.