So you don’t want to see your DD for the entirety of the summer holidays but still expect full maintenance as well as help with uniform?

[nonnatushouse]

DSD’s DM told us last Friday that DSD was ours for the entirety of the six weeks holiday. She’s resident parent and we have DSD every weekend and most of the school holidays but never for the absolute entirety.

We’d initially agreed that we’d have DSD for the first two weeks then back to her mums for two weeks then back to us for the last two weeks.

DSD’s DM gets £350 per month in maintenance (she’d get much less if this was arranged through the CSA) OH has rung her tonight to suggest that for the six week period, he pays DSD’s DM £200 plus £50 to help cover uniform etc. She’s not happy with this. She’s still expecting £575 for the 6 week period inc money for DSD’s uniform. I think this is ludicrous, he’s been fair offering her a lesser amount considering we’ll be having DSD for over 6 weeks, we want to be able to do nice things with her over the holidays too but won’t be able to afford to! Not to mention the added childcare costs and clubs etc as we both work.

notthatwomanagain we live rurally, there isn’t much choice. They do provide three meals and snacks though.

Yes, exactly, the summer holidays are all about quality time and making memories and it’s always a struggle but at this rate we won’t even be able to afford to put fuel in the car to drive to the nearest play park!

She's living with you for six weeks, you owe nothing. Is my view.

She should not have dropped this on you

Seriously, 14 days in 365 is going to break the bank. You sound jealous that she ahs no mortgage rent etc.

The extra 14 days does not even drop you into another CSA bracket.

What a ridiculous statement! Unless you know OPs family has a secret slush fund to cover unplanned and budgeted childcare. Nothing to do with jealousy, everything to do with the mother taking the piss.

All could have been planned with some notice !

Nonnatushouse Your plan sounds spot on. _
_

10 extra days childcare to pay for with no notice might break the bank for some people. I would struggle.

Has she said why she suddenly can't have her?

I would reduce the maintenance to cover the cost of the childcare. Day to day expenses I would take on the chin.

It’s not 14 days though is it - it’s 42.

My stepdaughter has lived with us for 18 months, during the time she lived with her mother maintenance was always paid and come August we would get a text with a list of school uniform, including shoes which “had” to be Clark’s. She has not paid a penny maintenance towards her daughter since she came to live with us, only sees her four days a month (eow) and has informed us she can not afford to contribute anything towards this years uniform as she needs the money for outings for when she sees her daughter. Nobody in our families think this is bad, but if a nrp father doesn’t pay they are the worst in the world!!

In the OPs case, as said before the mother should pay the holiday club on the weeks she was supposed to have the child. Just take it directly out the maintenance before paying it over - if she’s got objections let her take her chances with the CMS. It doesn’t sound as if a shortfall in maintenance will put her into hardship.

Alternatively, you don’t say if she works, but if she is not working perhaps drop the child to her on work days?

2 extra weeks is 14 days - by any part of the calendar.

They were having her 4 weeks anyway.

I would agree that she should pay the holiday club for those 2 weeks.

Not at all jealous of the fact that she has no rent or mortgage to pay. I didn't even include that in my op. I only mentioned it when it was queried by another poster.

2 weeks extra childcare is a lot of money for us to find. I didn't say it’d break the bank, I said that we’d struggle and wouldn't necessarily be able to afford any ’special’ days out.

I'm not an arsehole, I understand that she still has bills to pay, uniforms, shoes and costs etc to buy. We’re still giving her a decent amount in my eyes.

takeittakeit you make no sense. If she paid for the holiday care, she’d still be out of pocket even if we paid her full maintenance!

Why should she get the full maintenance for the 6 weeks when she has no child o maintain in that time?!
When we have dss over the holidays the CM paid drops according to cover the cost of child care/food/trips etc that we are covering when he is with us. No reason for dh's ex to need that money if dss is at ours.

I reckon you sound more than fair in what you are giving her (people saying ex still has bills to pay, why should OP and dp be paying for ex's living costs if the child isn't benefiting from that?!)

I would argue what is the point of DSD going seeing as though she'll be spending most of the weekdays in holiday club??? Does her Mum work?

I'm far from en "earth mother" but I cannot fathom her Mum not wanting to spend any time with her in the 6 weeks holidays...

You know if we all paid decent maintenance it would at least equate to the cost of childcare. 5 days a week childcare is easily 800 pounds a month. And that’s not even live in expenses. Yet we expect the resident parent to survive on so much less.

OMG - how tight are people - unicornchase you drop maintenance if you have the SDC for a holiday. Maintenance is calculated over a year - whent he child is with you - you pay out of your pocket for them. You effectively expect the mother to pay for you to feed and entertain all year round.

OP- she dropped this on you unexpectedly a contribution to the child care would not be unreasonable is my point.

In some of these families - the RP is expected to live on -not a lot and then on the few weeks, they might get to save a few pounds - the usually father cuts the monies so they pay 52 weeks of the year. Making the monies they get even less.

This post just goes to show second families resent any monies spent on the first family children, regardless of the NRPs responsibility for that child.

Bananas for once I agree with you!!

I spend a fortune on child care because EX does not have his DCS on any useful basis. For him to then drop the pitiiful maintenance he pays because he bothered to take them away for a week, is laughable. 4 weeks holiday in 4 years!!!!!

takeittakeit please don't tar my OH with the same brush as your pitiful excuse of an ex.

DSD is in school full time and we have her most of all holidays and every weekend so, actually, most of the child care expenses lie with us! Will also add to the bargain that myself and OH do all of the fetching and carrying of DSD so that's 160 miles worth of fuel, wear and tear on cars etc. And before anyone starts rabbiting on about the ex doing the driving through the week (which granted, she does) DSD gets the bus to and from school provided by the local council. I doubt she racks up 160 miles with DSD in the space of 5 days.

Seems odd. Shouldn’t the DM pay you maintenance during the 6 weeks you have your DSD full time? Your DH’s offer seems very generous.

Is the amount that you're dropping the maintenance to, the CMS amount?

The mum is being a cf announcing this last minute. Childcare isn't cheap and as it's do last minute, OP may not be able to shop around at the more reasonable providers. I bet that 2 weeks childcare plus costs like food and entertainment is more than the £150 deduction. The OP's h isn't giving his ex zero but someone has to pay for childcare.

Might be simpler just to reduce the basic maintenance down to whatever the CMS say it should be (having factored in you having her most of the holidays) Then offer extra as and when your can afford it/she needs extra things like uniforms or school trips. That way you'll never get into arguments for reducing it, but will be able to be generous and helpful by paying more at other times.

Or alternatively, ask the ex to split the cost of holiday clubs with you

It’s nice to agree sometimes!

It’s just very fustrating OP if you are the resident parent, to equate maintenance with food or petrol costs, or clothes.

The biggest costs BY FAR are the:
Loss of lifetime earnings. Having to reduce hours / miss promotions, pensions.
Housing costs.

It’s really stingy to reduce maintenance, your DP has been free to work uninterrupted for years. And posters suggesting the Mum pay you need their heads examined!

This isn't as clear cut as you are assuming it to be.

OH was RP until she decided to move away to live with her BF and take DSD with her. We were having DSD 5 nights per week, allowing his ex to claim CB and child tax credits because he's not a greedy, stingy, unreasonable bastard. Oh, and she was getting £20 per week maintenance from OH also when really, she should've been paying him maintenence.

Double standards!

Loss of lifetime earnings - I accepted that when I decided to fall pregnant with our DD. That was MY choice. I was happy to foresee and make that choice.

Loss of lifetime earnings - I accepted that when I decided to fall pregnant with our DD. That was MY choice. I was happy to foresee and make that choice

Sure as hell asn’t mine. When I had children, there were two of us, making it fit around both our jobs. Now there’s just me and an ex who’s self employment means he dodges maintenance and who can’t be bothered with anything better than one night a week and every other weekend. I fact,he is so unpredictable, I have to pay full time childcare (at one point for 3 children) so that I can be sure I can work.

I sincere hope your relationship doesn’t break down and leave you managing children full time and a f rust ration that you can’t go for a promotion because it involves regular travel/breakfast meetings before childcare opens/late night meetings after childcare closes. The impact over a working lifetime is truly enormous. As part of a couple, you can make joint decisions about pensions and savings and investment. Try doing it all on your own.

@nonnatushouse we never pay maintenance if we have the girls for a week or two. If we have them for the weekend we pay maintenance, however if they are with us for a week we have to factor in so much food, the electric goes sky high, extra water and activities plus the fuel we are using as we do twice the amount of trips to their home town (108 miles away.) my partners ex has always agreed this as her bills drastically go down those week we have them. I think seeing as you have to pay childcare etc and it is for such a long period of time you should reduce or not pay her maintenance.

This time for us (as we now go through csa so legally have to pay) we have told the ex wife that they week they are with us instead of us taking that out her csa that can go towards school uniform instead so we won't give her extra for uniform. She thinks it fair.

If your not going through csa then I would not pay it. What's the worst she will do go to csa, all you have to do it state how many nights a year you have them and they will work it out fairly. With the amount you have them it sounds like her payments would be very minimal xx

crossroads everytime you post, your comments astound me.

You barely have these kids and when you do, you cut maintenance.

You do not go through the CSA to legally have to pay. Your DP, the father to his children has a moral responsibility to pay for his offspring. Normal people do not need to be mandated by a court to pay for their children.

Only CFs do not pay for their children, be that women or men.

@takeittakeit it was actually the ex wife that always said to us not to pay her maintenance if we have them for a week, as before csa we would pay her every Friday. This was always her choice. We use to have them to stay EOW and then a week or two each holiday. She cut it down to us seeing them the one day EOW because she felt all the travelling was disrupting their behaviour at school and believes that now they cope better at school. Also because me and my partner split at Christmas she rhought rhis was another reason to stop it. But we are now July and still no signs of getting the weekends back. She wanted us to have more money to take them somewhere, days out etc she didn't like us only doing free or low cost things as where we live there is so many good days out that she wouldn't take them on because of where she lives but they are so costly. Plus she had lost all their swimming stuff so she wanted us to replace that as she told them we would be taking them swimming so we felt we had to. We only went through CSA because she started complaining by the amount we pay each week, and it hasn't worked in her favour as the csa calculations are less than what we were originally paying. Plus some months if there was 5 Fridays she got 5 weeks instead of 4 weeks worth of money: now she gets paid once a month. She has regretted us taking it to the csa. We choose to because we were sick of hearing that she thought she was entitled to more thinking his wages werw higher. And he can't fiddle his income as he is a paid employee. Looking like when he has his next review it will be less because his wages aren't as high this year. So to be honest as much as in some cases it helps woman to have the stability etc for some they can lose out massively.

Actually we have DSD quite regularly! And when we were RP we didn't receive any maintenance for DSD.

OH would never stop the maintenance completely, we’d really struggle if we had to pay the full amount, we struggle anyway!