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Original poster

What is reasonable?

89 replies

ococo28 · 16/07/2018 15:37

My OH and I were in a long distance relationship for two years. He and I both moved to be together and he moved 140km (2.5 hour drive) away from his 3 daughters. He used to take them one night during the week and every second weekend (fri night-mon morning). Once he decided he explained to his ex that he would have to stop the midweek access but would hope that she'd cooperate and assist with making every second weekend possible. We moved six weeks ago and she has said that she is unwilling to drive any distance and that if he want to see the children he has to do the return trip every Friday and Sunday. He has only asked that she do one hour of the trip and meet him, to try and cut down his driving time and also so that the kids are not down too late on Friday nights.
It is driving me insane. They are not just her kids, is it very unreasonable to think that she should assist that they can see their father also? I understand that she is probably annoyed that he moved away but for some context; she left him for another man who she is engaged to and getting married next year. My OH sees it that she created this situation. Can anybody relate or give advice?

OP posts:
MeridianB · 16/07/2018 15:43

Hi OP - it sounds like your OH is the one who moved but then you said she created the situation by leaving him - did she move too?

If it was just your OH that moved, how close did he live before and did his ExW share travel then?

Original poster
ococo28 · 16/07/2018 15:45

I should also add that there is no formal custody arrangement and he pays her a NICE amount of maintenance!

OP posts:
PipeTheFuckDown · 16/07/2018 15:46

What is reasonable is that the parent who moved does the extra driving. His children are now down six nights a month with their Dad for goodness sake. What a catch.

TeddyIsaHe · 16/07/2018 15:47

If he moved he has to do the driving. All his ex wife needs to do is make sure his dd’s are available for contact on his weekends.

PipeTheFuckDown · 16/07/2018 15:47

The amount of maintenance is completely irrelevant.

Original poster
ococo28 · 16/07/2018 15:48

Yeah he moved away. She left him and left the home wit the kids.
Before OH moved away they lived five minutes from each other and he did all the picking up and collecting.

OP posts:
PipeTheFuckDown · 16/07/2018 15:49

Whether he left her or she left him is also irrelevant. Their Dad has buggered off miles away and they now see him far less. Poor children.

LunaTrap · 16/07/2018 15:53

He's reduced his contact significantly and opted out of their day to day lives. To go from 5 minutes away and the closeness and flexibility that gives to so far away from them is a real shame for the children. The responsibility for travelling is his. Why couldn't you move to be with him instead?

OllyBJolly · 16/07/2018 15:53

He moved; his responsibility.

Circumstances of the split and maintenance are irrelevant. He made the decision to move knowing it would impact on his children. He has a responsibility to fund his children (it's not HER maintenance, it's a contribution to the costs of bringing up children.)

Phillipa12 · 16/07/2018 15:55

He moved, its up to him to collect. Also, hes dropped 6 nights a month, that NICE amount of maintenance that you clearly disagree with will probably increase! Oh and who left who has no effect whatsoever on maintenance and contact, even if you go down the formal route!

Original poster
ococo28 · 16/07/2018 15:55

PipTheFuckDown (nice name by the way) if you don't have anything useful to say could you refrain from commenting please.
My OH does more than his fair share for his kids and she has screwed him over time and time again and yeah actually he is a catch and has no issue in doing the 5 hour round trip on a friday and sunday and has done so so far.

OP posts:
PipeTheFuckDown · 16/07/2018 15:55

Also was there no discussion with ex and children prior to this huge life change for the children Hmm You say he had hoped so that indicates not.

TeddyIsaHe · 16/07/2018 15:57

Pipe has some extremely good points, you’d do well to take notice.

Original poster
ococo28 · 16/07/2018 15:57

He got offered a very good job that required him to move, I have also moved to the town where his new job is. The nature of my job means that I couldnt leave my job and I'm commuting still to my old job.

OP posts:
youbrokemytwatometer · 16/07/2018 15:57

Has no issue in doing the 5 hour round* trip on a Friday and Sunday and has done so far *

So it’s just your issue then?

LunaTrap · 16/07/2018 15:58

Of course he doesn't do his fair share with his kids anymore, if he now likes 2.5 hours away from them and has cut his contact to 4 nights a month. His ex is doing his share for him.

TeddyIsaHe · 16/07/2018 15:59

You’re coming across as extremely selfish. No thought for those children who have now lost time with their father. All you care about is getting out of travelling.

Btw - if he was doing more than his fair share in regards to the children, he’d have them 50% of the time, paying half for abolsutely everything. It’s quite clear he’s not doing that isn’t it?

OllyBJolly · 16/07/2018 16:03

He got offered a very good job that required him to move

Did he think about the school events he would miss? The prize giving for after school clubs? Pick ups from school when one of the DCs is sick oh no of course he didn't. That's the mum's job

MrsBertBibby · 16/07/2018 16:03

OP it is an article of faith on Mumsnet that the parent who moved must do all travel (provided he is male.)

The law is different, judges can and do order both parents to do driving, (or even bussing or training) provided that it is what is in the best interests of the children.

Whether your partner would want to go to court over if is another question entirely, but it is not unreasonable to think that mum could take a share of the driving.

TeddyIsaHe · 16/07/2018 16:04

MrsBert why should the mum have to drive for 5 hours on top of being a full time parent? 2 weekends a month isn’t going to kill him, op clearly hasn’t got the children’s best interest at heart. That would come across very clearly in court.

PipeTheFuckDown · 16/07/2018 16:10

Welcome to the internet luv a place where people have different opinions to yourself and it seems the majority of others agree Grin

More than his fair share Confused Seriously doubt that. Ex now has a week less a month to herself and the children have a week less with their Dad.

The reason I ask these questions is that these are the exact things my ex and I discussed when I was deciding which University I will be attending this September. Because we have to work together for our childrends best interests as well as being able to further ourselves. Ultimately I picked the closest one which happened to be my second choice as it was the least disruptive to my children and my ex.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 16/07/2018 16:10

Why would any decent parent move hours away from their kids is beyond me.

You can’t parent from that distance . What a blow to the kids

ococo282 · 16/07/2018 16:12

The mum doesn't have to drive five hours and would never expect her to...I just don't think it's crazy to ask that she drive one hour to meet him on a Friday evening when she doesn't work instead of him leaving and getting there 2.5 hours later after work on a friday night and 2.5 hours back down again and getting the girls to bed at all hours.

(dont know what happened but had to re-register there and thats why there is a 2 on the end of original user name!)

PipeTheFuckDown · 16/07/2018 16:17

It’s crazy to move that far away in the first place. This is entirely his own doing and he should shoulder the burden of it.

Her working or not is also irrelevant.

Friendsupport · 16/07/2018 16:17

He moved away from his kids for someone he knows only 2 years and was a long distance relationship....... yes, a real catch.