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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What is reasonable?

89 replies

ococo28 · 16/07/2018 15:37

My OH and I were in a long distance relationship for two years. He and I both moved to be together and he moved 140km (2.5 hour drive) away from his 3 daughters. He used to take them one night during the week and every second weekend (fri night-mon morning). Once he decided he explained to his ex that he would have to stop the midweek access but would hope that she'd cooperate and assist with making every second weekend possible. We moved six weeks ago and she has said that she is unwilling to drive any distance and that if he want to see the children he has to do the return trip every Friday and Sunday. He has only asked that she do one hour of the trip and meet him, to try and cut down his driving time and also so that the kids are not down too late on Friday nights.
It is driving me insane. They are not just her kids, is it very unreasonable to think that she should assist that they can see their father also? I understand that she is probably annoyed that he moved away but for some context; she left him for another man who she is engaged to and getting married next year. My OH sees it that she created this situation. Can anybody relate or give advice?

OP posts:
Celestie · 16/07/2018 18:20

Does his ex wife work?

ococo282 · 16/07/2018 18:21

No, gets benefits.

Ginger1982 · 16/07/2018 18:26

Don't know what's happened to your name OP, but your DP needs to do the lion's share of the driving IMO.

Celestie · 16/07/2018 18:26

I get working tax credits as really don't earn much. I've had to cut hours at work as struggle with the logistics of being a single mother to 3 DC.

Since ex moved my outgoings have skyrocketed and maintenance is only 10% of his salary.

I'm guessing she's probably in a fairly similar situation.

Harpingon · 16/07/2018 18:29

If they were joint debts then he would have been made bankrupt too, what rubbish.

ReservoirDogs · 16/07/2018 18:33

I think she is beinh unreasonable in not letting you collect them if you can arrange your work to so this. I did the Friday 5 hour round trip and DH did the Sunday return 5 hour round trip. She is not being put out by you splitting the trips between you just awkward!

PipeTheFuckDown · 16/07/2018 18:38

She’s on benefits but is getting married. How. Or do you mean her partners works and she doesn't and you’re making massive leaps about her finances ?

He’s definitely talking shit about the debts.

slightlycross · 16/07/2018 18:42

Op I think unfortunately if your dp made a decision on co fact without talking to his ex, and presented as a ‘fait accompli’ then her back is going to be up and shes probably not going to want to consider helping your dp out. Forgive me if he spoke to her before though!
I was in a similar situation as this, but I used to be happy for his gf (the OW) to pick kids up otherwise I doubt they would have seen their dad at all!!
You never know, in time, relations may get better and it might be easier to compromise on travel.

ococo282 · 16/07/2018 18:43

She is getting married but is on benefits. She “lives alone” I never said anything about it being legit!!! She doesn’t work and her future husband does. The debts are due to the house they co-owned.
I know I feel she is being awkward... and he is always willing to do the lions share of the driving. Like I said in the op We understand she wouldn’t be happy about the move and I don’t blame her for that but just think she could be a little flexible and drive two hours 12 times a year!!!

MrsBertBibby · 16/07/2018 18:44

If they were joint debts then he would have been made bankrupt too, what rubbish.

No, that's exactly what would happen. She goes bankrupt and he therefore remains the only person liable, subject to anything paid out on her bankruptcy to creditors.

swingofthings · 16/07/2018 18:44

I guess where it came from is he moved mostly because of a great job opportunity that allowed him to earn more money,
So was he promoted within his company, was job hunted or did he look for this job. It sounds like the latter since it is conveniently close enough for you to move with him and still commute to your work.

The reality is that regardless of the situation with the other parent of your children, the moment they are born, you accept that these lovely little beings will mean that you won't be able to grab wonderful opportunities that knock on your doors. I certainly would be somewhere very different career-wise if it wasn't for the sacrifices I had to make, and yes, that mean not moving where I wanted to because I wanted my kids to stay close to their dad.

Your OH has opted to prioritise his needs over those of his kids. His kids will have to travel long distance every week-end to please him. What will happen when they have parties to go to, activities etc... It is only him -and you- that benefit from this arrangement. So why should the ex help him? This would mean her giving her approval of his selfish choices. I don't blame her, if only to make a stand to his choosing for better money over more and better time with his kids.

ococo282 · 16/07/2018 18:45

And yeah he did speak to her beforehand she told him she was glad he was happy and then tables turned when he actually moved! 🙈

Dillydallyingthrough · 16/07/2018 18:47

@MrsBertyBibby not sure if you're still reading this thread, but just wanted to say Ive seen your name on a few theads, and I think you give excellent advice. I understand posters may not agree with your advice/opinion but I'm sure no-one agrees with every single bit of legislation!!

OP- no one knows the full details of your OH's move/circumstances. However, I dont think having a child means you must stay in a particular area forever, I think if he has moved for a new job and the possibility of better job prospects in the future that will benefit his children in the long term. I also think you can be a good parent from a distance. Sorry if I missed it, but I couldn't see their ages, if they are old enough is there any possibility of them catching a train for some of way (or maybe at some point in the near future)?

ococo282 · 16/07/2018 18:48

Again thank you MissBert... I really didn’t have the energy to go into bankruptcy law 🙈. And further to another post, yes he actually was headhunted and offered a job that coincidentally did suit for me to stay in my old job and commute (an hour each way a day) before this I was going to move and commute 2 hours a day.

ococo282 · 16/07/2018 18:53

@Dillydallyingthrough... thanks! no not old enough just yet but give it another few years plus his mum has offered to take them on the train every so often so that will help. Thanks I have to say I agree and not for any selfish reasons, my dad always lived away due to work and he was an amazing parent.

swingofthings · 16/07/2018 19:01

So there was an option of saying 'no thank you', and for you to be the one doing a lot of driving.

He made his choice, he needs to live with it.

swingofthings · 16/07/2018 19:03

By the way, I would feel differently if he had lost his job through no fault of his, had tried hard for months to find another job locally, and this was the only one that came up, and the plan was for him and you to both look for jobs that would get you closer to his children.

From what you are saying though, it was all about choices that suited him and you, no-one else.

ococo282 · 16/07/2018 19:03

@slightlycross yeah I’m hoping that when things settle she won’t have the issue with me collecting them, I think she’s just trying to punish him for moving at the minute and making it very tough but it’ll get easier hopefully if she lets me do the trip every now and then!

slightlycross · 16/07/2018 19:06

#contact not co fact!!

RoboJesus · 16/07/2018 19:09

Run away from a man who will ditch his kids for his girlfriend

ococo282 · 16/07/2018 19:10

@swingofthings like I said sometimes life’s not so clear cut and I cannot leave my job for the foreseeable. Choices were made to suit debts as well. Anyway thank you everyone for your input. I suppose I’ve seen her side of things a lot in your posts, not sure whether that’s a good thing or bad thing! Haha!

Alienspaceship · 16/07/2018 19:15

He’s leaving her in the shit - suddenly she had full responsibility for much more of the time and he cant do any practical parenting between visits. And you want her to spend 2 hours on the road for each visit as well??? I think the mumsnet expression is Cheeky Fucker. This is his choice and he needs to be responsible for the consequences. Hope he enjoys driving Smile

MrsDc7 · 16/07/2018 19:17

Good grief. I am a Stepmum and if my DH was prepared to move 2.5 hours away from his child I would be looking at him with very different eyes. You say he pays her a NICE amount of maintenance. So he should. They’re HIS KIDS. The fact that you expect this woman to drive for an hour every week to make your partner’s life easier is ridiculous. He made the decision to move, not her. Why should she be inconvenienced. YABVU in my opinion

ococo282 · 16/07/2018 19:19

Sorry but full responsibility? Isn’t that a given when you have custody? She chose to leave, he offered to have the kids full time when she did but they were too “valuable” to her. And no not each visit if you read my posts properly it was to be every second visit i.e once a month... or less if she didn’t have a problem in someone but him picking them up!

ococo282 · 16/07/2018 19:22

@MrsDc7 well I’m glad that it worked out for you that you both could stay close to his kids and if we could have done the same we would have but unfortunately that’s not always the case.

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