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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What is reasonable?

89 replies

ococo28 · 16/07/2018 15:37

My OH and I were in a long distance relationship for two years. He and I both moved to be together and he moved 140km (2.5 hour drive) away from his 3 daughters. He used to take them one night during the week and every second weekend (fri night-mon morning). Once he decided he explained to his ex that he would have to stop the midweek access but would hope that she'd cooperate and assist with making every second weekend possible. We moved six weeks ago and she has said that she is unwilling to drive any distance and that if he want to see the children he has to do the return trip every Friday and Sunday. He has only asked that she do one hour of the trip and meet him, to try and cut down his driving time and also so that the kids are not down too late on Friday nights.
It is driving me insane. They are not just her kids, is it very unreasonable to think that she should assist that they can see their father also? I understand that she is probably annoyed that he moved away but for some context; she left him for another man who she is engaged to and getting married next year. My OH sees it that she created this situation. Can anybody relate or give advice?

OP posts:
youbrokemytwatometer · 16/07/2018 16:18

Might have been an idea to ask her before making life changing decisions for the kids. What’s crazy is that he didn’t.

I’d be livid if my ex decided it was acceptable to cut contact by over 50% “once he’d decided”, so would I hell be doing anything to make life easier for him, on top of the extra 6 nights parenting I’ve had no choice in.

MrsBertBibby · 16/07/2018 16:20

No Ocado, it isn't crazy in the least, but this is mumsnet where women love to be vile to the unpersons daring to be in relationships with dads.

OllyBJolly · 16/07/2018 16:20

OP it is an article of faith on Mumsnet that the parent who moved must do all travel

That's unfair. Good parents make decisions mindful on the impact of their children - especially when these children have been through the trauma of a break up. What's the upside for the DCs of the new job? More cash? How much of that will the DCs see?

He's opting out of parenting. Having had sole responsibility of the DCs for 12 days, why on earth should DM then have to inconvenience herself because he decided to relocate? Because she gets NICE maintenance? The OP is already complaining about that so I can see that being eroded pretty quickly, despite the very good job

ococo282 · 16/07/2018 16:22

I come from a single parent family where my father lived in another country most of my life.... believe me you CAN parent from a distance. Your father could be living in the same house as you and be useless. I'm sorry if it comes across as selfish or whatever but you don't know what she has put him through and it really was best for him to move away from her albeit its crap that its away from the girls to. All I was wondering was it very unreasonable to ask that she assist that they see their father. Didn't realise I'd get bombarded my mothers who clearly have some prior bitterness. Anyway, this is my first experience on the forum, and it will be my last... instead of any useful advice all that was received was nasty criticism. With the exception of MrsBert so thank you x

pallisers · 16/07/2018 16:22

Why would any decent parent move hours away from their kids is beyond me.

Agreed. It is very hard to be a present, involved parent at that distance and his children will cop eventually, if they haven't already, that his priority was to move in with his new partner - not stay close to them.

From the ex's point of view her ex decided to move 2.5 hours away, ditched his mid-week access and thinks she should drive an hour every weekend to facilitate him. Why would she do that?

MrsBertBibby · 16/07/2018 16:23

That's unfair.

It's true. Thread after thread of people lining up to in tone "if he moved he must do the travel"

It is a matter of fact that that isn't the law. I've acted in plenty of cases in which both sides were required to undertake part of the travel, regardless of who moved.

PipeTheFuckDown · 16/07/2018 16:24

Don’t think so MrsBert. Ex is happily married and they were BOTH included in my decision making process particularly as new wife does the pick ups due to exs shift pattern. But thanks for that input.

PipeTheFuckDown · 16/07/2018 16:27

Whilst that may have been fine for you it may not be fine for his children. Unbelievable. It is not one size fits all.

Not remotely bitter towards my ex here. He has remained an active constant presence in DCs life and somehow managed to bag a woman who is as wonderful a Step Mum as my own is to me.

MrsBertBibby · 16/07/2018 16:29

Pipethefuckdown, what are you even talking about?

You really are a dire example of what this place has to offer.

Ococo, should you return, find Legal, it is generally less infested by small minds lost in large egos.

PipeTheFuckDown · 16/07/2018 16:31

I’m on about the thread starter who has accused me of being a bitter ex. Which I’m not.

PipeTheFuckDown · 16/07/2018 16:33

I’m dire yet you’re harping on about just a few cases in which people have been ordered to travel Hmm I’d wager that’s very rare and has more to the circumstances than some plank of a father who’s more than halved his contact by moving hours away.

Racecardriver · 16/07/2018 16:33

Your DP moved very very far away from his own children. His fault. His problem.

MrsBertBibby · 16/07/2018 16:34

That's nice.

TeddyIsaHe · 16/07/2018 16:35

MesBert talking about small minds and big egos 😂😂😂 good one pal!

FrancisCrawford · 16/07/2018 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

feathermucker · 16/07/2018 16:38

He moved. He does the driving. It is not up to his ex partner to facilitate this.

The fact that he pays her a NICE amount of maintenance is completely irrelevant. It's what he should do.

Of course she didn't create the situation. He did.

Celestie · 16/07/2018 16:46

4 years ago I left ex h for someone else. He was an alcoholic. We have 3 DC.

Last year my ex moved 4 hours away to be with his new GF.

Prior to that he used to have his DC 3 days a week, every week.

Our DC were absolutely devastated when he left and have all received counselling as it affected them so badly and continues to do so.

A year later he sees them twice a month. He never calls them, has no interest in school or emotional well-being and often cancels visits.

He does the driving. He removed himself from their lives, it's his responsibility to make his move work. If he, or his new GF (!!!) expected me to help him by sharing the drive I'd be fucking shocked and angry tbh....

NorthernSpirit · 16/07/2018 17:03

OP, I feel your OH’s pain.

But.... he was the one who moved. He could go to court and ask a judge to decide who does the pick ups and drop off’s, but he would likely have to do the majority.

I have 2 DSC. The mother hasn’t done 1 pick or drop off in 6 years. She was asked once if she could meet my OH at the station - a 10 min walk from her house, in a day she doesn’t work and she kicked off. My OH hasn’t asked again.

The EW is still in the FMH (it will be sold in 2 years time). My OH was forced to move out of the area as he couldn’t afford to rent or buy a 3 bed place (he has a boy and girl) in the local area. It’s only 13 miles away, public transport doesn’t work and it’s a 75 min drive each way.

But you know what? He just gets on with it. Their relationship is quite hostile, and he’s said he doesn’t want her near where he lives.

Maintenance and contact are completely separate - kids aren’t pay per view.

ReservoirDogs · 16/07/2018 17:07

I am afraid despite who left who if you chose to move far away from your children I believe it is for you to arrange for the children to be collected and taken home.

We both had kids when we met from previous marriages. we had to move with DH's job and we spent 14 years driving a similar distance on the Friday (down and back) and then taking kids back again on the Sunday (down and back). I am afraid that is part of your life now having made the decision to do this.

But please ensure you do as we have a great relationship with our grown up kids now because we did do this and it never entered our minds not to do it, nor to make the other parent do it when it was not of their chosing!

PurpleMac · 16/07/2018 17:27

He moved, it's his responsibility.

DH and I moved six miles away from his ex and we don't expect her to do any of the running around. She's lovely and does about half of it, but she's aware that we appreciate it and it's not necessary. And that's only six miles!

DH and I would love to move to the other side of the country or to Wales. Not ever going to happen because I can't understand how any decent parent could do that to their young child unless absolutely necessary.

Harpingon · 16/07/2018 17:33

You couldn't leave your job, but he could leave his children? I think you will be laughed out of court.

ococo282 · 16/07/2018 17:33

Northern spirit and Resevoir: thank you.
I suppose my maintenance comment might have been perceived in the wrong way. Believe me neither he nor I would ever begrudge what money he gives his children. I guess where it came from is he moved mostly because of a great job opportunity that allowed him to earn more money, he has joint debts with ex that she defaulted on as she went bankrupt and he is committed to paying these. This job requires him to work long hours so I suppose I kind of feel that it is due to this that makes Friday nights difficult and when she doesn’t work it might be ok to meet him at least then and he can do the full journey on a Sunday.
He has thought about doing the Saturday morning instead but it means he misses on another night with them. He has committed to doing access in his home town every second time he has them so it was just once a month that he was asking her to drive for an hour on Friday. My work will allow me to do a couple of extra hours during the week and leave early on Friday to collect them but she says he has to collect them. 😬
Anyway, we will make it work, despite some of the comments he is a good dad, and many circumstances led to the move and believe me we know the ideal scenario for e everyone would be that there wasn’t a distance but sometimes life can’t be so clean cut!

ohreallyohreallyoh · 16/07/2018 17:44

So he moves but she should have to bear both the cost and time involved in facilitating contact? If you are saying you want her to do one hour’s drive then that’s 4 hours over the weekend (there and back to drop off and there and back to pick up?). That’s a significant cost in terms of petrol and in wear and tear on her car. All because someone else made a decision she didn’t get a say in? So she’s doing 12 days solid parenting alone and has to spend a precious few hours of her child free time sat in traffic?

I think if you look at it objectively, you too would be pissed off.

And it is pretty much step mum form to accuse someone who doesn’t agree with them of bitterness. You really just need to stop and look at it from the other side. Your partner hasn’t played fair on this occasion. He caused the situation. He needs to clean up the mess without making a fuss.

Harpingon · 16/07/2018 18:07

Unless the debts were joint and he was also made bankrupt he won't be paying anything, I think he is having you on.

ococo282 · 16/07/2018 18:10

I’m not going through the ins and outs of the debts but they were joint and he is paying them.

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