What is reasonable?

[ococo28]

My OH and I were in a long distance relationship for two years. He and I both moved to be together and he moved 140km (2.5 hour drive) away from his 3 daughters. He used to take them one night during the week and every second weekend (fri night-mon morning). Once he decided he explained to his ex that he would have to stop the midweek access but would hope that she'd cooperate and assist with making every second weekend possible. We moved six weeks ago and she has said that she is unwilling to drive any distance and that if he want to see the children he has to do the return trip every Friday and Sunday. He has only asked that she do one hour of the trip and meet him, to try and cut down his driving time and also so that the kids are not down too late on Friday nights.
It is driving me insane. They are not just her kids, is it very unreasonable to think that she should assist that they can see their father also? I understand that she is probably annoyed that he moved away but for some context; she left him for another man who she is engaged to and getting married next year. My OH sees it that she created this situation. Can anybody relate or give advice?

I can't fathom how the ex would be responsible for a minute of this driving!

4 days a month isn't a great parent by any stretch of the imagination! If it was I'd be a
Fantastic parent to 6 or 7 of my children's friends.

As you say life is not always clear cut. In the case of your OH he had three children with a woman who doesn't think anymore that her life should revolve around his career or that of his misses.

As for me I'm the one who moved 1/2 hour away so I travelled not every other weekend but every one if them all at my own cost and that despite him not giving me one penny in maintenance. I wanted to go back and study for a profession but that would have meant placements possibly more than 2 hours away so I accepted that it would work for my children so I forgot about it

So yes I don't have much sympathy for parents who make choices that suit them and expect others who owe them nothing to facilitate these choices.

ococo Situations like this are so difficult because you are looking at things in practical terms and the exw and dc will have an emotional reaction as well as practical.

My DD's DF moved from 5 minutes away to 45 minutes away. Not a great distance in the grand scheme of things but it has had a major impact on the relationship. DD could not get herself to the new house independently. If she's missed the bus in town she can't phone her dad to pick her up. There is something very reassuring knowing you can reach your other parent if you need to.

It is also a place in which she will always be a visitor. A very different parent / child relationship to that when both live locally to each other. Inevitably as dcs get older they will want to spend more time in their home location. So there is an unavoidable conflict.

DD took his decision to move personally. She knows the location is more practical for her DF and his DW but it makes her feel that her relationship with her DF is less important than their commuting distance.

The issues are likely to be about more than who does the driving.

My dp's ex moved away and refused to do any of the travelling. She said it was down to him and if he wanted to see his DD he would 'make the effort'. It wasn't about that so much as by the time he finished work and got home and then got to pick up DD it would be late and then the travel back. And it also cut down on his time with DD as he had to drop two nights due to her being at school. She then phoned the CSA to say dp had stopped having DD overnights so much. We had zero income at that stage as dp was off work sick and we just didn't have the money to pay for fuel.

It's really down to whoever moves away to sort out the travel. It's not fair on the kids who miss out.

As a step parent... I can't even begin to fathom your thinking OP.
You're being utterly ridiculous.
Her income has absolutely nothing to do with contact and it's none of your business.
As your dp moved 2.5 hours away he should pay for and do all of the travelling.
I should bloody hope he's doing lots of time in the holidays so those kids see him properly.
As for the maintenance he pays them... he should probably pay double for such a dick move.

I don’t think you can expect the Ex to do the driving at all. Her job is the main carer of his children, she is bringing them up now with less input from the Dad because he moved away, so I do think you are being unreasonable.

He’s able to spend most of his days free to work and live in the knowledge that his children are being cared for, he needs to appreciate her in that role.

How long have you been dating? And how old are these dc’s. You have a look of dislike for a women you want to make you life easier for. And it’s hard for you to see it her way but that doesn’t mean you have to slate her, especially as you are going to be around their dc’s. You dp doesn’t seemed to mine the travel so why do you. It’s the least he can do and isn’t extra time they can spend together?

They are not just her kids

Except when it suits him to move 140 miles away.

I'd say the driving is down to him... but I understand how annoying the whole situation is because she's the one that caused the split by cheating... but on the bright side... you wouldn't have met him if she didn't leave him. So every cloud has a silver lining.

My brother got divorced several years ago and was offered a really good job some distance away. He couldn't take it because of his kids. Had he still been with her he would have taken it.

Sometimes you have to forgo career opportunities because of your DC....though from my experience...it's more women that make such sacrifices.

Their reason of splitting up as no relevance to you or the situation, however I think it’s causing you’re judgement here. A parent who works away but very much with the other parent and part of that unit and home for holidays isn’t comparable to a parent who is no longer living in the same household op. Due the situation he needed to try harder to maintain a strong relationship with his girls. All he is has done is move 2 and half hours which is a lot reduced contact further for work and his new gf of 2years, that sends a message straight to his girls where they stand on his priority list. Their dm should not be having to do the majority of the parenting then incur travel time and costs due to your dp relocating.

Also, you say that he was headhunted and that his job was the main reason for the move, but in your OP, you say that you moved to be together. It does sound like the primary reason for the move was for you and him to be together, and doing it in such a way that you could keep your job and the offer of the job for him made it easier, rather than taking the opportunity of the new job to consider moving in together.

That is most certainly how the ex will see it anyway, which is most likely the reason why she is not prepared to do anything to make his/your life easier.

Sorry but if your boyfriend is paying the debts then there would have been no court case and no bankruptcy for anyone? I'm calling bullshit. Creditors would have gone after them both as joint debts, if she couldn't pay they would have gone after him, not taken her to court.

My ex did the same after our split. Luckily he came to his senses and moved closer (he's gone from 3 hours to 40 minutes away). He enjoys driving but the kids did not like spending so much time in the car and he was picking up on Saturday morning which compounded the problem.

I think that your partner is being a cf asking her to do an hour of driving. (Did he even offer to pay petrol?) The ex's cheating ended his marriage but surely he sees the silver lining (being with you)? Didn't he factor in the driving EOW when choosing where to move to? 10 hours of driving in a weekend is a lot but the ex shouldn't have to enable the choice that he made?

OP. If I was your DP’s EW and this is what happened to me, my response would be something so rude that it’s not fit for public consumption.

I always try to be the voice of reason on threads on this board but I’m flabbergasted at this.

1. I never wanted to live where I live. And if it was down to me I would relocate with my DC’s in a heartbeat.
2. I have had amazing job offers which would also involve a significant relocation and those too have not been entertained.

Why? Because my EH is a 5 min drive from where I live and it’s brilliant for our children. If he upped sticks and moved away and put this amounts of difference between us, there is not one thing I would do re the travelling.

His poor DC. He now only sees them once a fortnight? Do you have any concept of how long that is for a child? I’ve been apart from my ex about 3 or 4 years now and we still don’t holiday with the DC for longer than a week because they just miss the other parent too much.

Dick move OP. You could have sucked it up/ compromised for a few more years. He will never get this time back and he will bitterly regret this decision in years to come