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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My partner and his kids

26 replies

Myboys2018 · 04/06/2018 10:46

My partners two kids live - whole hour train journey trip for him which involves changing on the train. It can get costly and expensive especially when he is seeing them with all they want to do and eat.

He has been signed off work sick this week due to depression again. (Speaking to his mum he quite often does this when work has got too much and he wants time off.) he has literally just slept the first few days of being off. He struggles accepting that he has to work and also having to work and sometimes he can't have any money out of his wages for crap when we have bills to pay for and him to see the kids. He just wants to be at home all day with me and our resident kids. I think sometimes he does the depression thing for attention and others it genuine so you never really know which way to take it.

So he was due to see the kids this weekend gone and he didn't. He told me and his mum if the ex wife asked he told her he hurt his leg st work and couldn't get the train up. Originally she was going to bring them down and then changed her mind.

He didn't seem that fussed he didn't see them, other weekend he has contemplated not seeing them if it meant we could go out (which I obviously didn't agree to so he still saw them.) the kids aren't allowed to stay atm but he doesn't seem to be fighting for them to be allowed to stay. He doesn't care if they come on holiday or not with us. He doesn't remember to always ring them and only ever wants to go up the day he is meant to: his mum has said though he will take the kids to her house sit on his phone, whilst the kids sit and watch tv or play on her laptop etc. He will want to pay the minimum on csa as he hopes it means we have more money: he never use to be like this and I can't fault him when it comes to the kids living with us. When he first moved he paid double the csa amount, wanted to visit as much as possible etc:
Usually he can take either of our kids on the train with him as I work and can't drive up. My question is do you think maybe he is being like this with the kids up there to protect himself, because he wants to stop contact overtime or maybe he is genuinely feeling a bit depressed.

His mum is coming to visit and She is on about having words with him but I don't think it will help. What would you say to him?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lunar1 · 04/06/2018 10:55

If he's not too depressed to have a life with his new family he's not too depressed to see his first children. He's choosing not to bother with his first family.

The only positive is that you and his mum can both see how wrong his behaviour is and want to address it.

funinthesun18 · 04/06/2018 11:55

He's choosing not to bother with his first family

He doesn't have a first family. He just has a family, and that consists of all of his children plus the op.

NorthernSpirit · 04/06/2018 12:06

I’m going to be frank....

Your OH needs to pull his finger out. Some EW’s stop contact, in this case that hasn’t happened and your OH can’t be bothered.

Contact is for the kids, not him. What about their wants and feelings?

He has to get a train for an hour and chsnfe. Boo hoo. We live 13 miles from mum - it’s a 75 min drive. Mum won’t do any drop offs or pick ups. My OH works in town and has to take the train. So you know what he does? We wakes up at 5:30am on the Friday, he drives 75 mins across town (to where the kids live), he parks the car, walks to the train station and gets the train into work (50 mins). When he finishes work he gets the train back (50 mins), walks to his car, picks the kids up and drives the 75 mins to ours. He does it without complaining because he is desperate to see his kids.

Your OH should be having overnight contact.

How much of this is depression and how much is it he can’t be bothered?

Original poster

Myboys2018 · 04/06/2018 12:18

Northern spirit I don't know how much is
Depression etc. I am going to sit down and talk to him at some point this week. I haven't spoke to him since he got signed off as we are now £250 short for our bills, his work has said he will only get 3 days ssp. Which will barely cover anything. It's not like csa will say he can pay less as he is signed off for a week. I wish I knew what to say or do. I daren't message the ex wife myself and ask for overnight stays as she will just send me abuse.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 04/06/2018 12:21

Your OH should be dealing with the EW, not you.

Maintenance and contact are completely separate.

If they can’t agree a contact schoyhat they are both happy with and stick to then he needs to go to court. He should be having overnight contact with his own children.

Dancingmonkey87 · 04/06/2018 13:10

He sounds like a prize op why are you with him?

lunar1 · 04/06/2018 13:13

He doesn't see himself as having one family though does he. He has a current family and a disposable one. I didn't mean first family as in they should be more important, I just said is because he obviously attributes different levels on importance to his children.

For men like this it's often about connivance and he can compartmentalise the ones he doesn't live with into not mattering.

DuchyDuke · 04/06/2018 13:14

Are you working too? If not then with him being like this, I don’t think you can afford to stay at home. If you do work, try and get a better paying job to plug the difference.

tiktok · 04/06/2018 13:16

There may be reasons why the court has not permitted overnight contact. If both partners want it to change then it can be changed. But it is not appropriate for the new partner to ask for it - why would you do this?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 04/06/2018 13:17

Those poor kids must feel so rejected.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 04/06/2018 13:20

Sounds like my exh. Depressed when it came to work /housework /dc but fine for pub /pool /golf.
Doubt he will change op while you /his dm /ex do all the running around.

Original poster

Myboys2018 · 04/06/2018 13:24

I do work, and usually I would have done overtime whilst he was
Signed off sick However now we get paid monthly not weekly and I got paid today I wouldn't see that extra money for a month to cover his sick. I just wish I could make a grown man see sometimes he has to sacrifice things in life.

My ex's partner has occasion contacted me for contact with our son as a surprise and I think
It's good if we could all get along.there is no court order at the moment x

OP posts:

Dancingmonkey87 · 04/06/2018 13:27

If he’s messing the kids about are you surprised his ex wife isn’t happy and that she’s not encouraging over nights?

Original poster

Myboys2018 · 04/06/2018 13:54

He wasn't like it when he was allowed then over nights.

OP posts:

Original poster

Myboys2018 · 04/06/2018 14:03

She isn't allowing him overnight as apparently

Schools can't cope with their behaviour when they got home from a visit, as because they want to live with daddy

He didn't have Christmas with them (but he didn't have Christmas with us either)

He didn't buy them Easter presents, but we didn't buy resident kids ones either as they had plenty from families.

He is allowed them potentiinallh school holidays if he takes 3 weeks off in the summer. Which can't happen, but I would have them u til he got home but that's not good enough.

He didn't buy her a Mother's Day Card

And he won't buy the girls a toy each they wanted .

OP posts:

Dancingmonkey87 · 04/06/2018 14:42

So this is a man who can’t even get his kids an 1.50 Easter egg? Couldn’t be bothered to have Xmas with either sets of kids? Yeah course the kids want to live with daddy. They are likely unsettled due to the disfunctional set up you got going on.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 04/06/2018 15:12

If they genuinely do want to live with him it's likely to be because they feel responsible for him, worried about his lack of coping skills to deal with his depression and they think they can help. It's likely to be the case that he engenders this feeling in them because he's already got 3 women trying to compensate for his failings.
It sounds like emotional neglect tbh

LunaTrap · 04/06/2018 15:39

You've name changed slightly but are still recognisable. Your partner's kids have nowhere appropriate to sleep at your house. Your son (your partner's stepchild) sleeps in a castle bed whilst your stepdaughter sleeps in a sleeping bag in the hallway. He is a disinterested neglectful father to them. In their mother's position I wouldn't be sending them for overnights either.

LunaTrap · 04/06/2018 15:41

And they probably tell him they want to live with him because they are seeking his love and approval. He already has form for cutting contact with them for months at a time. I imagine they are very insecure about their position in their father's life and family unit.

SilverHairedCat · 04/06/2018 15:48

Is the resident child his child?

Frankly, time to throw him out and send him home to mummy -if she’ll have him,as it sounds as though she sees right through him even if you don’t. He is behaving appallingly all round and needs a good kick up the arse. It doesn’t sound as though he has actual depression l, from what you’re saying anyway, and just fancies a week off.
Time you dealt with this and looked after yourself and your own kid(s).

He can’t look after his own children now, so why should their mother permit additional contact?

Oswin · 04/06/2018 15:49

Yeah my kid wouldnt be staying somewhere where she sleeps on the landing.
Hes a shit dad Op. Yeah he was ok with your kids when you broke up once. Because he wanted you back. Hes the type who if hes not shagging the mother doesnt bother with the kids.

DuchyDuke · 04/06/2018 16:03

Oh yes Luna, I remember the OP now. Replace your son’s bed with a bunk bed you loser.

Dancingmonkey87 · 04/06/2018 18:47

Oh god it’s you and your precious sons! I didn’t realise. Why are you not surprised he’s a waste of space

lunar1 · 04/06/2018 18:51

Oh FFS!

bonnyshide · 04/06/2018 19:29

Your DP sounds like a real catch, wish we could all find ourselves one like him.

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