Is DSD a bit clingy to dad?

[NorthernSpirit]

Can I ask some advice from other SM’s?

Been with my OH 4 years. Have known the two SC (almost 10 & 13) 3.5 years, we’ve lived together for 2 years.

My OH sees the kids EOW & has them for half of the holidays. This is a result of a very bitter battle with the EW (who used the children as weapons for 2 years). Long story but i think the context is pertinent here.

So the challenge.....

His daughter (almost 13) is really clingy. Won’t let him out of her sight. And I think my OH - because he sees her do infrequently likes it.

We make sure the kids do stuff with dad on their own (i’m conscious they must miss dad and I think it’s important they do stuff without me).

But the daughters clingyness is reaching new extremes. I’ve raised it with my OH that I think it’s getting worse and he should have a chat with her (i’m concerned she’s feeling insecure). My OH doesn’t think there’s an issue, he thinks overreacting, i’m the adult and should deal with it. This isn’t about my feelings, I want to make sure she’s ok.

An example..... We went to a friends of my OH BBQ yesterday. Loads of kids there - bouncy castle & trampoline in the garden. Kids all playing together. The boy runs off to play with the other kids. Boy runs off to plan with the other kids. The girl sits on dads knee with her arms around his neck all day (I mean all day). Wouldn’t move. We were trying to have an adult conversation and I was conscious some of the topics weren’t child appropriate so I suggested she go off and play with some of the girls. She got up made a drink, came back 2 minutes later and sat on dads knee with arms around his neck again. She was sat on dads knee from when we arrived at 3:30pm to when we left at 10pm. I normally wouldn’t have such an issue but i’m concerned she’s feeling in secure.

On reflection this morning, i’ve realised that every social event we go to is the same. If my OH does manage to peel her off she says she’s bored, a massive silk ensues and we have to go home as it makes things pretty miserable for us all.

I didn’t know anyone there yesterday and spent the day on my own (OH couldn’t get up with his daughter on his lap to chat to be or get me a drink). I appreciate i’m the adult and can fend for myself, but is this normal?

When we are at home, she has to sit next to dad on the sofa. Same if we go out. Not got an issue with it as am conscious she doesn’t spend a lot of time with him. But if for any reason the seating arrangements don’t work out her way a sulk results.

With a push she’ll do stuff with me, I take her to have a nails done, we go shopping etc. But i’m woundering if this clingness is something to be concerned about?

Any advice? Thanks

Ffs. No. 3.5 yrs absolutely fine. 13.5yrs fucking weird and surely the other people at the BBQ said something?

Are there special needs ? What about social life ? Does she see friends in the weekend she comes over. Does she have a 'normal teenage life' at 13.5 should be all snapchat /insta/ boy talk /make up ?

I have 5 dsc and 3 of my own. I swear to god the youngest two dsc have been preteen for 15 yrs. All encouraged by dad who loves the attention. At 14 and 16 I just tell them to knock it off when it gets too much. Sadly it's a major feature of Disney dadness. While they pretend to be young, he can baby them.
I actually had a full in rant though when DH couldn't let a 16yr old get in the bus into town on a Saturday morning because it 'wasn't safe ' and she was 'too young' arghhh !! I feel your pain OP.

... yet my own DD 16 (who he has lived with since she was 4) has magically managed the bus since age 11.

Sounds like she really misses him.

Advice would be to let her spend time with him as he and she see fit. Not up to you to interfere in any way - no one will thank you for it and quite rightly so.

Is there anything unsettling happening in he life?
My DSD was pretty much the same a few years ago and it drove me crazy. It’s calmed down now and when I think back it was when her mums boyfriend moved in although we didn’t know that at the time.

Missing your dad is one thing.
Sitting on his lap for 7 hours at a social function that catered to her age group - at 13 and a half years old is simply not normal.

Dad is doing her a serious disservice in not putting down some boundaries. She is a teenage CHILD who needs to be told what behaviour is and is not acceptable. That is his job.
This is way beyond missing.
This is 'he loves me more than you'.
It's not a competition. It's weird.

Maybe they should be spending some proper time together then and not wasting the little time they do spend together at social functions. Seriously. Seems obvious.

Connebert are you seriously suggesting that 7 hours in your fathers lap at a BBQ aged 13.5 is perfectly ok and doesn't need mentioning ? and in fact needs her to spend MORE time with dad. ?

Are you in a step family ?

It needs mentioning but not criticising. If she‘s missing him that much, contact should be adjusted accordingly. It‘s a delicate age and time and affection invested in the right way is important.

If I was dh I would have taken her to the other kids and encouraged/helped her join in by playing with them not allowed her to sit and hug him the whole time, surely he realises that is not normal.

My 8 year old isn't confident in new situations and wohld sit with me whole time if given the choice. I would have to make an effort to help her join in but after that she would be fine and have more fun that sitting with me.

I don't know what you can do to help apart from continuing to talk about helping dsd and not mentioning it being difficult for you as this may make dh think that you are thinking of yourself which I can see is not the case but if he is looking for a reason not to listen to you that will be it.

Don't agree. Too much pussy footing around reality these days. Time for father to get a grip and tell his daughter she is not sitting on his lap at a BBQ for 7 hrs (or any time for that matter) .

No matter how much she misses him. In fact if mine attempted this and then sulked if told no, they would be left at home.

She’s almost 13. Quite immature for her age (when I compare myself and what I was doing at that age but I think my mum was quite tough on us as kids and wanted us to be independent). She’s really close to her mum and I think her mum (and dad) babies her. For example even at 13 - she can’t fend at all for herself. Can’t get herself breakfast, make toast, etc etc. I think both her parents are keeping her young.

Yes, other people yesterday commented. At the time I let it go. I’m so conscious she probably misses dad. Today on reflection i’m wondering if there’s an issue?

No special needs.

Spends EOW and half the holidays with us. Kids have been with us all week - she won’t do anything without dad. Won’t leave the house. Doesn’t have any friends at ours (we live an hour away from mum). We’ve tried but she’s not interested. I’ve suddenly realised she won’t do anything on her own. Would spend all day on her phone if she could.

Yes, I think my OH does baby both of them - for example he still wants to hold there hands as they cross the road.

I’m not trying to interfere and I want them to have time with dad on their own (and i’m so conscious how difficult it must be for them only seeing dad EOW) but I don’t think this is normal. I don’t have kids of my own so it’s hard to judge she. It also does get thrown back at me - what woukd I know, I don’t have children. I honestly just want to help.

The family BBQ thing sounds like it might be more a lack of social skills and confidence than anything else. 13.5 is actually a really difficult age for coping in a big mixed age group some times - too old and to play with the kids. Too awkward and self conscious to mix with other teens. Not really able to hold her own in an adult conversation. My DSS would have stuck very close to DH at that kind of event when he was that age.

Is she like that when you're not around? It may be partly about laying claim to "ownership" of her dad against you (and possibly her DB too - sounds like he can't be getting much of a look-in with his dad)

I'd encourage your DH to see it as part of parenting to ease her into independence. Eg, at the BBQ he could have found her a seat to sit next to him, not on him. He could have gone with her to join in whatever other people were doing.

DSS is fine now. Still close to DH, but I don't feel they're joined at the hip when we go out now. He's got more friends his own age too and relates better to the other kids and to me, so it's all much easier. She will grow up at some point.

The physical closeness may be something your DH likes because he's missing her. Though that doesn't make it healthy or good parenting.

I think nearly 13 is a difficult age - perhaps feels too young for activities, but not old enough to fit easily into the adult circle either. She probably really misses him when he's not around. She may also know that this irks you and therefore do it more! I'd leave it and ignore it.

@Connebert - yo respond to your post about maybe they should spend time together, contact should be adjusted.

Dad picks the kids up at 5pm in the Friday. He takes the son to an activity and dad and daughter spend the 2 or so hours together in their own. He then drives them to ours.

On a Saturday, he takes the daughter at 8am to her activity (mostly the son goes as well). They spend until around 2pm together in their own and then come home.

On Sunday again at 8am dad takes the children off to their activities - he spends the day with them and comes home to me about 6pm.

So he spends most of the weekend on his own with them. Together and has individual time.

This weekend is different as it’s half term and the activities aren’t on.

Dad would love to have more contact with them but mum refuses. He spent 2 years going through the courts to see them. I won’t go into it all. My OH left his wife (I wasn’t the OH before anyone asks he was well divorced by the time I met him). EW used the children as weapons and stopped them seeing dad for weeks on end to punish him. I guess that’s why he wants to please them so much. He’s asked to see them in the week (as he thinks EOW is too long to go without seeing them) but mum refuses. He plans to take it back to court.

Mum has got another boyfriend, I think she’s been with him 6 months. Kids say he spends 2 nights a week at there’s. Could that have a bearing on things?

My youngest DSD went through a phase of this… when she was 5.
Eldest DSD is 14 and from the age of about 10 she’d rather sit on hot coals than sit on her Dad’s lap
She’s at the stage of wanting a bit more independence and a bit more space to herself, which is normal for that age.

We have them every weekend but 14 yo DSD frequently doesn’t come these days because she wants to spend her weekend with friends, and when she is here she’s always skyping her mates or on her phone. Again, all normal.
Younger DSD is now 10 and isn’t quite the social butterfly that eldest DSD is, however, she’s most content with her own company in general (think introverted 60 year old woman stuck in the body of a 10 year old!)

The way your DSD is acting isn’t normal at all, even if she’s a more reserved child or a bit insecure. Your DH needs to accept that, though I suspect his defensiveness is a sign that he already knows this isn’t an ok situation.
Rather than make a big deal out of it by sitting her down for a chat, he needs to distract her with other things and encourage independence in small steps.
If she goes to sit on his lap at another social event, he needs to laugh kindly and pat a seat next to him saying ‘You’re getting a bit big for lap-sitting now. Come sit on this chair instead.’
If she sulks, he needs to laugh it off and stand his ground.

The fact she’s 13 and can’t even make herself some toast is worrying.
You have to make him realise that this isn’t about you or your feelings, he’s doing her no favours by letting this continue.
The longer this goes on for the harder it will be to encourage her to be independent.

Thanks for the advice all - it’s good to hear your opinions, I appreciate your thoughts.

@Beazenhussy0 - thanks for the advice.

I haven’t handled it well this morning and it’s turned into heated words and for my own sanity i’ve left the house and left them to it.

I’m just trying to help, but he doesn’t see it as that. Sees it as me interfering into their special time. I actually leave them to it most of the time as I feel like an outsider.

I will take your advice on board though. Thanks

I don't think there is a lot you can do OP. It has to come from her dad. His behaviour has to change. He sounds slightly odd if he thinks her sitting on his knee for hours is acceptable, also holding hands to cross the road. She can make toast, she just doesn't. She didn't need to sit on his knee, he allowed her to. Good luck, I think you're going to need it.

I don't see what you can or even should do about it.
It's obviously not ideal and maybe she is insecure but sometimes you just have to wait these phases out.

Do they enjoy at all the activities? It sounds a very full on schedule for a weekend. Maybe DSD is craving a bit more relaxed time with her dad rather than spending most of her time in activities?

Ime, some kids with grasp independence with both hands whether you encourage them or not. But others will continue to behave like a young child for as long as you continue to treat them like one. They may even believe that they must be little and sweet in order to be loved, which is hard on them when they hit puberty and the rest of the world starts expecting them to grow up.

@Greendaynz - personally I think the activities are too much (not because I don’t see them) but they don’t get any chill time.

Mum signed the kids up for the activities which are in her neck of the woods (a 75 min drive each way). But both kids are insistent they do the activities (it’s one activity they both do - albeit in different groups). When they don’t get taken they complain. Personally I think it’s too much every weekend as we don’t spend any family time together. But my OH pushes back and says they enjoy it so he takes them.

Thanks for the advice.

13.5 is around the age I wouldn't leave my mums side. I have a cousin two years younger than me who was exactly the same with her mum. We were both pretty nervous kids and hated being teenagers - just didn't really fit in anywhere. Too old to play with the kids and too young to feel confident with adults so mum was my safety net. We both grew in to normal, fully functioning adults though.

If I were you I wouldn't do anything. It's a phase which will pass, you just have to wait it out.

My step sister used to be like this with my dad (so not her bio dad) literally until she was around about 14. She’s now 16 and just sits in her room on her phone and only gives more than a grunt when she wants a lift somewhere her Dad was flaky as fuck though, so I think it was for security. She was also like it with her mum, us, the babysitter (to the point she wouldn’t babysit anymore) but yeah she isn’t like that at all now and has grown into a really lovely caring secure teen! Very headstrong, but secure. I used to find it bloody annoying but I think she just had issues she was working through.

My DD is 14yo and many if our friends have children the same age....nope I've never seen any of them on a parents lap. It's weird.

Are the other children missing out on time with him because she's always clinging to him?