Is DSD a bit clingy to dad?

[NorthernSpirit]

Can I ask some advice from other SM’s?

Been with my OH 4 years. Have known the two SC (almost 10 & 13) 3.5 years, we’ve lived together for 2 years.

My OH sees the kids EOW & has them for half of the holidays. This is a result of a very bitter battle with the EW (who used the children as weapons for 2 years). Long story but i think the context is pertinent here.

So the challenge.....

His daughter (almost 13) is really clingy. Won’t let him out of her sight. And I think my OH - because he sees her do infrequently likes it.

We make sure the kids do stuff with dad on their own (i’m conscious they must miss dad and I think it’s important they do stuff without me).

But the daughters clingyness is reaching new extremes. I’ve raised it with my OH that I think it’s getting worse and he should have a chat with her (i’m concerned she’s feeling insecure). My OH doesn’t think there’s an issue, he thinks overreacting, i’m the adult and should deal with it. This isn’t about my feelings, I want to make sure she’s ok.

An example..... We went to a friends of my OH BBQ yesterday. Loads of kids there - bouncy castle & trampoline in the garden. Kids all playing together. The boy runs off to play with the other kids. Boy runs off to plan with the other kids. The girl sits on dads knee with her arms around his neck all day (I mean all day). Wouldn’t move. We were trying to have an adult conversation and I was conscious some of the topics weren’t child appropriate so I suggested she go off and play with some of the girls. She got up made a drink, came back 2 minutes later and sat on dads knee with arms around his neck again. She was sat on dads knee from when we arrived at 3:30pm to when we left at 10pm. I normally wouldn’t have such an issue but i’m concerned she’s feeling in secure.

On reflection this morning, i’ve realised that every social event we go to is the same. If my OH does manage to peel her off she says she’s bored, a massive silk ensues and we have to go home as it makes things pretty miserable for us all.

I didn’t know anyone there yesterday and spent the day on my own (OH couldn’t get up with his daughter on his lap to chat to be or get me a drink). I appreciate i’m the adult and can fend for myself, but is this normal?

When we are at home, she has to sit next to dad on the sofa. Same if we go out. Not got an issue with it as am conscious she doesn’t spend a lot of time with him. But if for any reason the seating arrangements don’t work out her way a sulk results.

With a push she’ll do stuff with me, I take her to have a nails done, we go shopping etc. But i’m woundering if this clingness is something to be concerned about?

Any advice? Thanks

She has a brother - 3 years younger. Socially very confident and more independent. Dad tries to spend equal time with them both. Although there is definitely a special bond between him and his daughter.

Personally I think it’s odd. I know I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near my dads lap at that age and in the same situation i’d of been told to go away and play with the other kids (but I lived with my mum & dad.... and my dad would of wanted some adult time with his friends).

THis seems strange to me a 13 year old clinging to her dad to the extreme. This is the age your developing a bit of independence and trying new things. Even if your shy you just stick to people you know you don’t sit in someone’s lap. The fact she can’t leave her dads side at all is a bit worrying. Where is her brother in all this? It’s like ones is craving all the attention and the other one hardly gets any because of it.

I think personally the issue with the contact arrangements and it being refused may have something to do with it.

We’ve had a similar situation happen and my 14 year old step daughter is similar but not as extreme as yours. She doesn’t really see friends and would rather stick to the routine of seeing her dad every weekend now she is allowed. She still asks for piggy backs down the stairs and if we are out somewhere she has to stick by her dads side even on the odd occasion she has a friend with her. She’s not allowed to cook herself anything in her mums either so is reluctant to do anything here either.

Doesn’t have any friends at ours (we live an hour away from mum). We’ve tried but she’s not interested. I’ve suddenly realised she won’t do anything on her own. Would spend all day on her phone if she could.

So she’s a young teenager, thrown into an uncomfortable social situation where she told you she was bored. I can’t blame her for wanting to be with her dad rather than a bunch of random kids. She was probably hoping he’d take the hint and get her out of there.

I think you should definitely stay out of it. It will be a phase. She doesn’t want friends over that way who she’ll hardly see anyway. She just wants her dad. EOW isn’t that much at that age. If you push it she will take it to mean you don’t want her around. Enjoy the time you have alone with your DP (which is most of the time) but when kids are there they need to come first.

Yes it is a bit odd behaviour. Yes you were right to bring it up to your OH because sometimes you don't see things when you're involved in it and an external eye can be more objective.

But your OH doesn't agree with you and think it is fine and normal so nothing more for you to do. He is entitled as her mum to raise her as they think is best and challenging this will only make him defensive. She will turn out the adult she will become and you are not responsible for this process.

Dis she know the other kids? You mention an 8 year old boy being one of the kids, were most closer to her age? What were they doing? My teen dd wouldn't go on a trampoline in a dress and would find playing footie boring. I'd expect a girl her age to at least sit in the corner on her phone. 13.5 and 8 is like babysitter territory.

13.5 was peak embarrassed about parents stage. No way would they sit on our laps 😂😵 You have a dh problem here. He has conditioned his dd to behave like a helpless baby.

The brother is 9 (almost 10). DSD is almost 13. There were around 20 kids - a mixed group from age 8 to 14. A mix of ages. No, they didn’t know any of the kids. I also didn’t know anyone there. Her brother ran off straight away to get involved. Conscious DSD is more introvert so I went over to the girls her age with her but she wasn’t interested and ran back over to dad. I mentioned to her dad a couple of times he needed to get her involved, but it was ignored.

I have an OH issue. I probably need to let it go.

Some kids do like the company of adults more than other kids. I had quite a few friends whose kids would rather seat with us than go and play with kids of the same age (usually around 13yo or so). Personally, I did find it annoying for the same reasons, ie. not being able to talk about 'adults' things, but their parents didn't mind and to be fair, some of them had interesting comments to make and joined well in the conversation.

I find this to be more common in other European culture. So this in itself isn't worrying. It's the seating her on father's lap at 13 that I do find odd. How small is she? Surely at 13, she must be getting a bit heavy. Didn't your OH at any time made a comment to that regard? I'm only a bit over 8 stone and if I sit (as lightly as possible!) on my OH's lap, I'll be lucky if I get to stay there for 30 seconds until he tells me I'm giving him pins and needles!

@Swing - DSD is very immature and can’t socialise with adults. I don’t remember her saying a word all day. That’s why I was keen to get her involved with the other kids as she can’t communicate with adults. You can imagine as the drink flowed the conversations and language just weren’t appropriate for a 13 year old but she wouldn’t budge.

She’s tiny - has just stating wearing an adult size 6. Hardly eats. The fussy eating is a whole different thread though......OH made no comment. I think he likes the closeness as well as he mentioned sees her. I’m not saying for a second there is anything untoward going on.

My DSS is a bit like this. Although not as extreme, he would behave like this if he had the opportunity. He's big for his age too, so it looks a bit embarrassing when he's constantly holding his Dad's hand, sitting on his knee, cuddling him etc. He is constantly finding ways to be the person who sits next to or walk next to DP. I feel a bit sorry for DSD who consequently gets less time with her dad because it is always being monopolised. It's just an insecurity thing, if your DP isn't on the same page as you, there's not much you can do aside from let them get on with it. I have detached from the Disney parenting because it was just so annoying!

I think that age is tricky, especially if your a bit shy or socially not that confident. 9 year olds they play there's no awkwardness just do it but the pre teens they feel to old to play but not confident enough to start up conversation with strangers. It's hard so her sticking close to her dad pretty normal I think, I also think the wanting to sit next to him ect is pretty normal it's probably 50:50 being insecure and a preteen power trip.

The sitting on the lap literally clinging on though that seems strange. It's not what I would expect from a nearly 13year old. My feeling is your OH quite likes it probably wants to keep her young feels like he is catching up on missed time ect and she's playing into it when she's insecure.

I don't think you can really do anything about it with her. I think your OH needs to adjust his attitude and start supporting her in growing up and gaining independence but that's easier said than done.

I think if it happens another time you could maybe fetch her a chair of her own to sit on. Not sure the eating thing is unrelated - it could be all about wanting to stay small and a little girl

To me it sounds extremely odd.

However. 1. I think it is quite normal for a 13-14yo not to want to hang with younger kids on a trampoline etc, it's an awkward age and they often shun younger kids.

1. Added to that she was with a bunch of strangers which must have been uncomfortable.
2. Seven hours is a bloody long time to be stuck at strangers' (to her) bbq. 4-5hrs would be plenty long enough, 3 better
3. Adult size 6 at this age isn't "tiny" at all, quite normal.
4. Not wanting dad out of her sight is very odd, it does sound as though she/they'd benefit from professional help.

BUT if she & dad see no problem, then it's up to you how you manage this very awkward situation. Dad may like it because he feels validated. Seems terribly unhealthy though, such a shame.

Did she know the kids? I remember going out with my dad and SM to family/friends where they all knew each other, but I didn't know them and I did find it hard to join up. Even when I tried and they were nice, I felt excluded as they talked about things that meant nothing to me. I struggled with these gatherings especially when they were they were long.

Is her brother younger and in primary school by any chance? At primary school age, playtime involves running around, ball games etc. It's easy to include strangers and usually it's better to have more people than fewer. At secondary there are kids who play sport but generally there's a lot of chatting, checking phones etc.

If I were you, I'd be curious how her social life in and out of school was. If she's happily hanging out with her peers there, her behaviour with her Dad would be a little less worrying than if she's not getting along with school friends. Do you know if she's like that with her mum?

Thanks all, appreciate your feedback.

I’m a really strong independent woman and I guess I want the same for her (or close to). We know her mum keeps her young (which is her decision) so you think my OH needs to step up, stop babying her and help her gain independence. I think he (as one poster said) needs the validation.

Thanks, food for thought....

@Raincatsanddog - mum and dad don’t communicate at all. Very bitter divorce and my OH had to fight through the courts to see the kids. So it’s no good asking mum if everything is ok at home. But I do think she’s probably clingy to mum.

Yes, younger brother is still in primary. Understand what you are saying there.

I do know that the mum is extremely close to her own parents (my OH’s family and told me some things that I find a bit strange). Maybe a bit close. From what I have heard the mother lacks independence. But i’m the opposite end of the sorecteum in that I left home at 18, lived abroad and am very streetwise and independent.

She’s used to join lots of things and not stick with them - which I started to get a bit concerned about. She’s now joined something that she’s sticking to (with girls her age). Not sure about close friendships though. Could be with probing into that.

My teens hug me, kiss me on the cheek and tell me that they love me but it's only within these 4 walls. They haven't even been in the local supermarket with me since 2016 because they might see someone from school. 😂 They can get around on their own and are as independent as I was (except that I am more generous with lifts than my mum-lol)
Has your dsd been away with school or her weekend activity so she can practice being independent in a safe environment? Before you know it, she could be leaving for university.

Just wondering did your DSD have any counselling when the spilt occurred? I am aware there are groups / clubs (feelings groups) for children from broken marriages can attend; normally they are referred by school or a GP.

I don't think it sounds healthy at all ... and there could be some underlying issues here. Emotional attachment disorder?

It really worries me when I hear 8year plus can't not carry out basic life skills. If the child acts the way you have described at school is she being bullied? Sounds like she could be an easy target.

@Moondance - Daugher would of been 7 when the split happened. The plan was mum & dad would do it together. But mum did it without telling my OH. So he’s no idea what was said. The split was very acrimonious - with mum stopping contact for weeks before the contact order went through. I do think my DSD has some issues but my OH won’t face into it.

I’ve tried to talk to my OH about it but it usually turns into my OH getting defensive and i’m told to back off. This particular example is an example - apparently i’m The adult and jeleous of a 13 year old (which isn’t the case at all). It’s turned into a heated row and my OH won’t listen to a word I have to say (I don’t have kids of my own so what do I know)?

I feel the same on not being able to do anything. Mum does everything for her at home (fair enough if that’s what she wants to do). I work over FT and have a long commute and its not going to be the same here. We agreed the kids woukd make their own beds, I discovered afterwards that dad was doing it for them. I commented last week that the children treat our home like a hotel and restaurant. They will sit in the sofa and wait to be fed. My OH’s response is that he sees them so infrequently he wants things to be nice. I know..... Disney Dad.

It’s all got a bit much for me this week. Not sure I can do this SM thing anymore. I’m treated like a scivvy with no thanks or anything in return. Sorry for the rant.....

Thanks for the advice.

Believe it or not @NorthernSpirit I see you as a role model regarding step parenting. With your responses you always appear to take a measured approach and always appear reasonable.

Personally I would take a huge step-back and sadly not be around at the weekend the DSC are there. Maybe you need to be cruel to be kind to let your DP experience DSC on his own ... as the hard reality he might be left to care for them all on his own if he doesn't up his game.

Don't give up on your DP ... and the dreams you have made with him.

@Moondance - thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate that.

My dd is a year older and my first guess would be something bothering her at school or with friends.

My dd becomes more clingy/ physical when something is bothering her. Admittedly she'd never act like your dsd, it's more clambering on me to talk or watch tv at home. She'd only sit on my knee in public if there was nowhere else and no other teens in sight. And certainly only as a chair, not with her arms round me. But, my dd is independent and mature, and she lives with me so she can pick her time.

And I'd suspect that however undeserved or unnecessary it is in your case, if she's feeling insecure about some external issue, visibly demonstrating her claim to her dad for your benefit will be a weird teen way of reassuring herself.

@Thehogfather - my OH has asked her about school but she says everything is fine. Mum refuses to let my OH attend parents evening (that’s a whole different thread and school hardly communicate with him as he’s the NRP). That’s a whole different thread and something he’s fighting.

In the laying a claim. I think you are right. When we go out she has to hold his hand, she has to sit next to him. I let it go as i’m Conscious she must miss him. But as I say to my OH - he has 2 children, not one and he has to divide his time.

I literally couldn’t peel her off him on Saturday and the more I have thought about it the more frustrated i’ve got. I didn’t know anyone there in Sat. I wasn’t introduced to anyone) as his daughter had laid claim to him by then) and I had to fend for myself all day. I’m now feeling a bit put out.

And I should add that there were free chairs either side of my OH - the DSD could have sat on one of them. At one point when she went off to the loo I sat down next to my OH so she couldn’t get back onto his lap. I encouraged her to play with the other kids. She literally claimed over me to get back on. I am worried there are some attachment issues.

It sounds very challenging and in fact I don't know how you can put up with it.

My immediate reaction is how unhealthy this is for the daughter, she sounds worryingly immature. But if your husband isn't on board with making changes it is difficult to see how this situation can improve. Sadly I think that you need to look out for yourself by physically removing yourself for at least chunks of the time when the children visit, otherwise you'll go nuts.

Personally I think I'd be considering calling it a day 😔