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Original poster

Step parents and maintenance

430 replies

Anon197 · 01/06/2018 15:58

Just a quick one...

My DH recently lost his job and is struggling to find work. My income is the only income (no support benefits wise).

We have two very young children together and he has a child with his ex.

They share custody and when my step child is at ours I pay for everything.

His ex has thrown a wobbler because I won’t pay a proportion of my wage to her.

What would you do?

OP posts:
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Pleasebeafleabite · 01/06/2018 21:31

How much was he paying previously?

Blankscreen · 01/06/2018 21:32

The child's father has lost his.job so obviously it affects the sdd's standard of living in the same way it is affecting the op's children's standard of living.

Op has stepped up to work to bridge the gap and provide for her children. Why can't the ex step up and work more to provide for her child? Why should op subsidise the ex?
They've offered the ex free childcare so that can't be used as a reason.

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 21:33

£100 a month plus half towards school uniform and other pre arranged essentials

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 01/06/2018 21:41

Why would you be offering to have DSS “full time” when you are struggling to make ends meet? Surely you can’t afford to feed him “full time” ? Or if you could afford that then you can still afford to pay at least a contribution by way of maintenance but are choosing not to.

how hard is he actually trying to find work? Because it sounds like you guys have found a clever way to avoid paying his ex anything. It’s not about his ex it’s about his son! And that son deserves a life with both parents not you two withholding
maintenance (by whatever means: SAHD/ “offering to have him full time”)in a bid to blackmail his mum into barely seeing her son.
If you could afford to have him “full time” then you can afford to help her out. So the pair of you need to do the decent thing and stop using this as a stick to beat her with until she changes the custody arrangements

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/06/2018 21:43

If my husband lost his job, I probably would be able to pay his ex maintenance but I still wouldn't. I make big financial contributions to my DSC in their life with us, having kids costs a fortune and I pay a mortgage on a house far bigger than I'd need if I was on my own or DH had no DC, they're burning through clothes and shoes, days out cost more, it's a constant stream of costs. But they're costs I happily meet for him and them and our family unit. Nothing on earth would convince me to pay a penny towards her life with them from my own hard earned wages. DH currently pays nearly £900 in maintenance, spousal and childcare costs so she'd definitely miss it, but it's dependent on him earning so if he wasn't then she'd have to find a way to cope.

NeverTwerkNaked · 01/06/2018 21:43

(Sorry, just realised it’s step daughter not step son, but the rest of my message still stands. And I say all that as a step mother myself. A step mother who works many more hours that my fiancé’s ex, and pays for many extras for his children. But we wouldn’t dream of him becoming a “stay at home dad” so he could evade his responsibilities.

Blankscreen · 01/06/2018 21:46

If OP already has regualer access with sdd thenpresumably they are already set up so won't incur a lot of extra expense by having her more.
Feeding a child doesn't cost £100 a month when they are little!

I interpreted the offer to have add more was to enable the ex to work more like the op is.

Pleasebeafleabite · 01/06/2018 21:46

She is not living it up every weekend and funding her holidays on £100 a month

Would it not cost you more to have dsc to stay with you? It wouldn’t even pay for my child’s school lunches never mind everything else

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 21:48

nevertwerknaked
Have you even read the original post?

Have you separated from your children’s father? Would you expect his current partner to pay you to feed your own child?

We could afford to have SD full time as we currently have a house big enough for her to have her own room and we would have to pay the fuel cost to do the pick up/drop off every week. We do a food shop for the children we have together and feeding one more mouth isn’t a huge stretch. We already have to provide clothes/shoes/coats for her when she is here.
Why isn’t she doing the decent thing any supporting her own child?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 21:51

Wouldn’t**

OP posts:
Brazenhussy0 · 01/06/2018 21:52

If my DP lost his job I wouldn’t be able to afford the maintenance payments for DSDs, and DP’s ex wouldn’t expect me to pay it. Because she’s not batshit, fortunately.

OP, you know you’re right on this. You’re doing your best in what is an all round shitty situation for everyone. Time for the ex to put on her big girl pants and make a similar effort.

If she tries to stop contact, get some legal advice asap.

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 21:55

Brazenhussy0 “because she’s not batshit” 😂

OP posts:
Pleasebeafleabite · 01/06/2018 21:55

If she tries to stop contact, get some legal advice asap

An hour of legal advice is three months’ maintenance in this case. Easier to have carried on paying

tryharderrepeat · 01/06/2018 21:57

Tbh though my view may be unpopular- children are not at fault when parents split and I would support if I could financially any stepchildren I inherited. I wouldn't be able to respect a man who would prioritise some children over another just because they aren't with me.

TwoDots · 01/06/2018 21:57

£100 a month wouldn't pay for school lunches?

Yes, but it would pay for half I'm sure

tryharderrepeat · 01/06/2018 22:00

I also wouldn't ever suggest a child be uprooted from its usual carer simply for financial reasons.

Don't understand why people can't maintain their responsibilities towards children they've created or take them on if they choose to get involved with the parent of a child/children

Adults should bloody be adults and prioritise Chilrens needs above their own desires for relationships

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 22:01

tryharderrepeat he isn’t prioritising any child over another.
He has no income until he finds a job that can cover childcare and my current overtime.
I get the impression that people think me and DH are day at home laughing and having a jolly old time. We are constantly stressed out about how to keep our household afloat. So should we sacrifice a household that is home to 3 children so that his ex doesn’t have to budget?

OP posts:
Blankscreen · 01/06/2018 22:03

Tryhard the child's father has lost his job. If the parents were still together that would be a big drop in familial income so why should it be any different if the parents are separated.

Why should the op subsidise someone else's children

NeverTwerkNaked · 01/06/2018 22:04

feeding one more mouth isn’t a huge stretch . ... well then it’s time to QUANTIFY that “stretch” and pay that over. That’s the least you can do after daring to bring “full time” residence with you two into the argument.

And those clothes and shoes etc you have... why not let them move between houses as another way to help....

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 22:06

Sorry should a father not want his child to live with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 22:09

Oh yeah I forget a single mum has more rights than anybody in the planet.
God forbid the ex she left behind should find a new partner and have a family that includes the child to his ex.
I know people who don’t pay a penny towards their step children even when they are all together as a blended family.
I pay for my SD when she is here. Why can’t her mother do that when she is there?

OP posts:
Pleasebeafleabite · 01/06/2018 22:09

twodots my point is for £100 a month, for what was presumably expected to have been a few short months, better to have continued with the arrangement.

Relationship now deteriorates further for the sake of a few hundred pounds plus insult to injury in offering to take her child full time

Original poster
Anon197 · 01/06/2018 22:10

HIS child

OP posts:
Blankscreen · 01/06/2018 22:11

If it's only a few hundred pounds then why is the ex being so insistant on it??

tryharderrepeat · 01/06/2018 22:11

Yeah you should imho stretch because there are 4 kids not 3 regardless how you share them out.

Could never respect a man who didn't view all his kids as equal in priority