Is my HUDBAND his CHILDS BIOLOGICAL DAD?!?!

[Miramar321]

Hello,
It’s very difficult for me to write this but I have no where else to turn for advice or a different point of view on this situation.
I’ll try and begin where I feel is best but firstly I would like to point out I’m early 20’s and my husband is 50, I mention this because it may get confusing if you didn’t know.
Ok, so let just say for arguement sake my husband has only ever had 3 serious relationships, including his marriage with me. As these are the only relevant relationships.
When my husband was in his late 20’s/ early 30’s he was with, who I’d say was his first love, let’s call her A. I believe A was late teens and was desperate to have a baby! They were together for a few years and they tried so hard to have a baby but it never happened, she then started having awful pains and large cycsts in her ovaries where growing. They were removed and she had the all clear, but still no joy in falling pregnant. At this point they assumed her cysts was why she wasn’t falling pregnant. Over a year later, she still wasn’t pregnant. A then started buying baby clothes, my husband and A decided to go their separate ways as it was tearing them both apart (I found this sad) however, not long after they split - A had been dating a different man straight after and announced her pregnancy within 2/3 months. (I feel this is important as you may look at this differently to me.)
Anyway, my husband then went on to marry his first wife, lets call her B. After 3.5 years of trying they welcomed their son (my step son). Now I need to mention this, because this has a lot of people guessing - B was known in the area for being very flirtatious and had cheated previously, bareing in mind everyone knew my husband and A couldn’t get pregnant, then of course she did get pregnant pretty much straight after her split with my husband, a lot of people assumed my husband was the problem (except my husband himself). B had always told my husband she can remember exactly when their son was conceived, what they were doing, where they were... meanwhile my husband can’t remember, even when she told him this soon after they announced their pregnancy he said he still couldn’t remember, but she told him he must of been too drunk.
I didn’t think anything of this until my husband told me that he didn’t
Want anymore children with B because everything changed after having their son for the worst. He then went on to tell me that it was strange because even though he didn’t want anymore children neither him or B used any precautions! Many years later, and after they’re 15(ish) years of marriage they divorce (because she cheated, again) - still only having one child. Now, I think my step son was either an absolute MIRACLE CHILD or.... I don’t want to say it.

Now onto myself. Me and my husband have been married for 3.5 years we’ve have been actively trying for a child since day 1. Nothing.
I’ve been checked, everything is fine with me.
I have tracked my periods, my fertile window, my temperate, my CM, when we have sex, how often we have sex, we’ve taken up more excercise, we’ve drastically changed our diet over a year ago. We are super duper healthy. And I’m sitting here putting all of this together.... thinking this isn’t happening? Am I going over the top?
I’ve mentioned to my husband in conversation, not nastily of course, but just in conversation. I said- I just don’t think you son is actually yours, and he didn’t reply, in which I left it at that. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but B has done a lot of illegal things against my husband and he’s let her get away with it because she’s the mother of his child. I also need to mention my husband is very comfortable... and my husband has always said B is driven by money.

I don’t know what to think.... is he a miricle child? Did she do the dirty on her husband at the time? What do I do? My husband is still paying for him and always has done (his 16 nearly 17 now) although every year she gets lump sums of money from my husband, for their son also.

All I’m thinking is, did she know what she was doing?

I would REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate someone’s input on this! Even if it’s just one person! I would be so grateful!
Thank you!

Why meddle? What do you get out of it? Do you feel good about casting these doubts on this child’s paternity? Does it somehow make your own situation better? If you are proved right, how will that change things for you?

I’ve mentioned to my husband in conversation, not nastily of course, but just in conversation. I said- I just don’t think you son is actually yours, and he didn’t reply, in which I left it at that.
Really, this was a cruel thing to say like that. What was the point of it? Did you not think how hurtful this could be to him? It's not like by acknowledging that possibility that he will feel less about the boy he raised all those years as his.

If your issue is your own fertility, than you should have tackled it that way. At worse, say 'well you managed it once, so clearly you are able to procreate but maybe it might be helpful to check'. If the issue is money, then no comment...

That comment was also quite patronizing because let's face it, unless your OH is an complete naive idiot, he probably didn't need you to mention it to him for him to have considered the possibility before. If he's done nothing about checking if he was his biological son, it's because he clearly didn't want to.

I have a miracle child, I could also tell you the exact moment he was concieved but ask my DH and I doubt he’d have a clue. Doesn’t mean he isn’t his though, he most definitely is!

The difference here though is that my DH has had his sperm tested. We know his count is very low and the likely reason that we have only concieved once in seven years despite actively trying for the majority of that time.

Don’t question your husbands paternity to his son (he has been his father for 17 years regardless of DNA). But do question why he hasn’t had a semen analysis as it is not fair for you to go through all the invasive tests without him being checked as well.

Was your fertility checked within this marriage as part of ttc? I'm quite surprised and unimpressed with the hospital that they would have fully tested you without your husband having been checked first. It certainly was protocol when I went through it all.

It's cheaper, non invasive and risk free as apposed to many of the tests women have.

As for you DSS, you need to apologise for even mentioning paternity to your husband, shut the door on it and never mention it again. It's not your question to ask and you had no right to go there. However it was said it was cruel of you.

Whatever your DH's fertility is now had no bearing on what it was all those years ago.

Are you threatened by the fact that you as his wife are the same age as his child?
How long have you guys been together?

It's funny because if this had been a woman posting that after 16 years she wasn't sure if her ex was the father of her ds or not she would be slated and told it was the right of the child to know who their biologival father is (or is not). But your just the curremt wife, and got forbid you think about it let alone say it. I personally would not go after the angle of the son initally but would get your husbands fertility checked out and go from there. Does he have a good relationship with his son? Even if it turned out he wasn't biologically related any decent man would still continue to love their child after 16 years. But if there is a high chance that your dh was not the biological father then I think both your dh and the son have a right to know.

Perhaps your husband does not want to know whether he is the father or not. If he does he needs a DNA test. It is his business, not yours.

If you are concerned about his fertility and you getting pregnant, he needs to do a sperm test, but that is irrelevant to the past as it will tell you nothing about his fertility 30 years ago.

The father is a big boy and got a bŕain of his own. Doesn't need OP to tell hìm under the circumstances that their issues with conceiving means that his son is unlikely to be his biologically.

How do you know A's child isn't also your husbands? Seems to be in the right window for it?

OP, I can understand why you're questioning whether the child is his given the issues he's had getting his partners pregnant and B's cheating history, but at this point you have no say. I'm sure your husband has had the same questions and, by his actions, he has made the choice to accept the child as his and support him. Let it go. Knowing the truth won't change the relationship.

But I really don't think this was the driving reason for your post. You've been unable to get pregnant and this is a frustrating time for you. You're questioning his fertility. So is he. In my opinion, the best thing is for you to arm yourself with knowledge. He needs to get tested. If he's infertile, then you know you'll need to adopt or use a sperm donor.

In the meantime, men can be very sensitive about their ability to get a woman pregnant. It's important not to treat him as less than a man or a failure. I'm not saying you are, but every time you get your period he probably feels like a failure.

I think based on what you say it might not be his biological son. I also think he probably has an inkling of it.

Is he willing to go for fertility tests?

It’s just as likely that he isn’t the bio dad, as that he is the bio dad for both ex’s children.
Why didn’t you suggest fertility testing for him instead of jumping straight to the son not being his?

Possibly and possibly not but whatever the case he is still your husband's son (whether adopted or biological) and should still be treated as a son. Even if B is a manipulative liar then your DH and B's son does not deserve to be treated any differently.

Your DH should have his fertility tested but if he finds out that he is infertile then he shouldn't treated his DS any differently. Also his fertility may (and almost definitely will) have changed over the years.

Of course he is his son although whether he is biologically is something only a DNA test will answer.

Many years ago a fertility specialist told me that some couple are completely fertile and able to have children but not with each other. This is why ttc can tear apart some couples who then very quickly go on to have children with a new partner.

As for B maybe she was taking contraception but pretending otherwise. Maybe they suffered from secondary infertility (very common) or perhaps your husband has fertility issues.

Would it matter to him if it wasn't biologically his son?
I'd keep out of it but concentrate on his fertility perhaps get him tested

Me and DH got pregnant naturally the first time we ttc - first month, no problems. Ttc dc2, nothing happened, got tested, turned out dh had low sperm count and v reduced chances of conceiving naturally.

Either dc1 was a miracle child or something happened to his sperm count within 2 years - we'll never know. But it can and does happen.

I always find it fascinating when people write a very long and detailed OP and then never come back.

What about the child? At least 1 possibly 2 people have possibly lied to him.

His mother knows the truth. She knows if she slept with someone else as well. She has possibly lied to him for 17 years, knowing that his 'father' might not be his father. What about the child's opportunity to know the other potential father?

I agree that perhaps OP husband has an inkling (or actually knows) he might not be his - perhaps he desperately wanted a child. Maybe they had that conversation when she realised she was pregnant and they agreed he would be his dad.

OP husband cannot tell OP he can't have kids now. This would confirm her thoughts.