What's normal?

[LatoyaLondon]

I have a 6 year old SD. I've been with her dad since I was very little. We are very close and spend a lot of time together without DP as he works nights a lot so has her in the evening before heading to work and I do putting to bed duty etc! If she has a nightmare she will get in bed with me. She will be in tears and genuinely believes there's a man in her room. I would feel cruel putting her back in there, and this only happens very occasionally so it's more than likely not an excuse to sleep in with me. We have lots of cuddles, she sits on my knee, we bake together, just the usual stuff! It's all great fun and as I said, we are extremely close.

Thing is, after speaking to one of my colleagues about her, she told me she would be furious if another woman acted like this around her daughter, that there are boundaries, and that I should think about backing off and not having such a close relationship.

I'm now utterly confused as the relationship I have with DSD is completely organic, not forced, and it just happened that way. Am I really out of line here?

• been with her dad since SHE was very little

Not out of line at all, this little girl is close to and comfortable with one of her main caregivers.

She was really adamant that I was out of line and should know my place. That it's inappropriate for SD to sleep in my bed. Made me feel like a weirdo!

I think your colleague was projecting.

I really like DS1s SM, in fact I was grateful when she came on the scene because I know she cares deeply for him and that he’ll be cared for properly!

I don’t see the problem, are you supposed to leave a wee girl scared and upset in the middle of the night? If I was mum I’d be angry about that, not that someone comforted her!

Has the mum complained? There is no right or wrong. Some mothers will feel devastated at the idea that another woman acts like a second mum to their child, other mothers will be delighted that someone else is looking after her child so well.

I don’t think so.

I assume the mum knows dad is working and that you have her? If that really can’t be avoided, then fine. I’d want to know my DS feels loved and safe without me or his dad there.

My DS is 13 now and his SM has been around for almost 9 years. He bought her a mum card for Mother’s Day (which my ex respectfully told him wasn’t appropriate and had him give an alternative). Knowing him, he probably just couldn’t be bothered looking for something else , but I thought it was quite sweet that he felt comfortable enough not to see it as a big deal.

We were all at a mutual friends birthday one night and technically DS, about 5/6 then, was there with his dad and not-yet-SM, and I came out the kitchen to see him sitting on her knee, having a cuddle. It was nice to see!

I’m totally against kids being forced into new relationships at break neck speed as is the case on here so often, but I’m totally all for them having as many people committed to and loving them as possible. Far better than some of the bitter, resentful situations that get posted about here!

Some people are just arseholes OP!

DS's stepmum is ace but my only requirement of her is that she's nice to DS & he likes her - I can't ask for anything more but as DS lives with her & ex-p I'm aware that she's essentially his primary caregiver & they do all of the things you mentioned, I really couldn't spare the energy to get arsey about him climbing into bed with her after a nightmare.

As long as you, DSD, your OH & her mother have no issues with your relationship then ignore the colleague & carry on as you are - my DD's had a shitty stepmum so good ones like you & DS's should be praised to the hilt as far as I'm concerned

My DSD is always wanting cuddles. If anyone other than her said I couldn't cuddle her I'd ignore them. Imaging how rejected your DSD would feel if she came for a cuddle and you said no.

You sound like a lovely step mum so carry on what you're doing and ignore your weird colleague!

Your colleague is out of line judging you and your relationship with DSD. If it works for her, dad, you, bugger what anyone else thinks.

My DSC are older than yours and we’re very close. I’m not a second mum but I am an extra parent which has come entirely from them. One of them told me out of the blue one day what a lovely parent I was. Not something I’d imagined as my own SM while a nice woman was never any sort of parent to me.

It’s grown organically over the years we’ve all been together, I always take my lead from them and all anyone ever says is how lucky we all are to have such a nice family unit.

Keep doing what you’re doing OP. You know what it’s really like and your daft colleague is projecting. I wouldn’t discuss anything about your life with her again.

Despite the much loved “you knew what you were getting into” crap that people spout, stepparenting is something you can’t imagine until you do it. Even if you had a step parent. Every family, every child is different and if you’re listening to them, meeting their needs - whether that’s lots of cuddles or space, which can vary by the hour - and doing your best by them, you’re doing a good job.

I wouldn't like the idea of my daughter being treated like that by another woman other than me but I would deal with it because it's not about me and I'd want my daughter to be happy. You sound like your doing a great job, I wouldn't let what your colleague said change anything.

I would rather my dd be in bed with sm having a cuddle and reassurance than being left on her own and scared.

My DD is very anxious, she has ASD. She has been on camping trips with her scouts group and got very upset and one of the leaders spent a lot of time giving her cuddles and reassurance after a nightmare. I would have been very upset if I thought my DD was left without care and kindness.

You are doing the right thing.

I’m interested in the women who don’t want their child’s SM to have this sort of relationship with them. Does it apply to their own partners or husbands, if they have them? Are those men not allowed to cuddle the child, tuck them into bed etc because dad might not like it?

Dsd is very lucky to have a sm like you. Your colleague is crazy (and I bet that she's not got a child with an ex) It sounds like the two of you (dsd and you ) have a lovely, warm bond which is fantastic.

@AnneLovesGilbert I think that the only reasonable answer to the question is that the mum would rather their child be at home with her if Dad was at work during contact time.

Everything I've learnt about being a step mum is as long as the child is happy and the parent is happy. It doesn't matter what other people think. Having an organic and loving relationship with your dsd is brilliant and something to be cherished. Enjoy and ignore the interfering co worker.

You’re doing the right thing

Your colleague is the weirdo! Even if it was your DSD's mum that had a problem with your closeness..you still aren't doing anything wrong. You and your DSD are family..as long as she is happy anyone else can butt out.

You are a great step mum. Your oh and dsd are lucky to have you.

Honestly we can't win can we? Be over involved and we are judged. Don't do enough.....we are still judged. Either way, we are doing it wrong.

Makes me wonder if it's all worth it at times.

You can probably tell I'm just getting over a crappy weekend with my step children.

Well done for being such a lovely parent op, you are doing nothing wrong.

And that little girl is going to grow up with the best memories of you. I think that's amazing to be honest x

It sounds like she's projecting how she would be feeling. I would hate another woman to be 'mothering' my children like that when it should be me, so would be jealous, but not angry.

If I was in a situation where they had to have another woman in their life then I'd much rather her be showing them love and care than leaving DC upset, even though it would feel a bit upsetting to think of someone else acting like they are DC's mum.

No problem whatsoever..

Personally I'd talk to the dm about how she feels about this. I had a similar situation with my dd & her sm. I did object for 2 reasons. Sm was sleeping in dd's bedroom when dd was sick/scared while dd's dad (my exh) was catching a full nights sleep! I felt this was not fair. I know it's their house & their rules but dd wanted her dad not her sm but felt she wasn't being listened to.
Secondly I knew that if it was my dp who was sleeping in with my ds's when they were sick my exh would have hit the roof & I wasn't going to support his double standards. Just because it's sm to dd it doesn't mean that it's more appropriate than sf to ss for example & there are many parents & kids who would find this inappropriate.
I know the above egs are not relevant to you @LatoyaLondon as your dp is out working at nights & you're the one in the house doing the parenting, but I'd still take the dm's pulse on this as it's a sensitive issue for a lot of people and it's only fair.

I just wonder what happened before you came along, I presume your DSD did not stay nights?

I guess if it hasn’t been a problem in all the years it’s unlikely to be an issue now? Especially if it was an understandable ask from the kid e.g, I’m scared. For me it’s more of an issue if a step pushes closeness e.g. I’ll do your bathtime.

I wouldn’t have wanted this for my oldest DS, however I didn’t arrange for overnights if his Dad couldn’t take him. However if he was scared in the night I wouldn’t have been surprised if he ended up in their bed. But if SM was having to do this a lot I’d have sorted out less time with Dad. Even now I’m careful not to put the main parenting onto DP for his step son, my eldest.

You don’t say how often you have her?

I think that's so lovely how you've built such a strong bond with your SD! I split with my daughters father and have a new partner who is slowly building that bond with my daughter too, he doesn't do anything too personal like bathing her etc (he just wouldn't feel comfortable with that as she is a little girl/not his biological daughter) but I respect that.. like you have said it has all been at my daughter's pace and never forced anything, but at the end of the day he is one of her main caregivers and I want that step father figure for her! I want her to feel safe and loved in her own home and to know that if for whatever reason as time goes on and I'm not there, that she can go to him if she needs him! My daughters father has a new girlfriend, she has been introduced to my daughter, and if things get serious and time goes on to her moving in with him then when she goes on a weekend I would be quite happy to know that she has another female figure there (or step mum) to help look after her and tend to her needs.. as long as my daughter feels safe and happy wherever she is at the time then that's what is most important to me 😊
So I wouldn't think too much into what she has said to be honest, as long as your DP's daughter is happy and feels safe and loved then I think you're fulfilling your step mum duties! 😊 x

I don't think there's any need to contact the mother to be honest. This has only been brought up because someone mentioned it to op. Talking to the mother might open a massive can of worms.

As long as the child is happy (which she clearly is) then that's all that matters.

My ex has a girlfriend and she seems nice enough. I hope her and my dcs manage to get a close bond. At the moment, she doesn't see them enough in order to do so but I will never get in the way of it. My owns dhs ex has made things hard so I know how it feels to be on the other end of it.

I think it’s natural that a mum’s first reaction might be to feel uncomfortable with such a close relationship between father’s partner and her child. But most mums would also be sure to recognise that this is good news really for their child.
Ignore your colleague. They have no idea of realities of life as a Stepmum or how a child rationalises all the relationships in their lives (my boyfriend’s daughter and i are very close but she is incredibly clear on Mum and dad roles and how I am not either of those) Do it your way.
I don’t think it is appropriate/necessary to discuss this with the Mum either.