What's normal?

[LatoyaLondon]

I have a 6 year old SD. I've been with her dad since I was very little. We are very close and spend a lot of time together without DP as he works nights a lot so has her in the evening before heading to work and I do putting to bed duty etc! If she has a nightmare she will get in bed with me. She will be in tears and genuinely believes there's a man in her room. I would feel cruel putting her back in there, and this only happens very occasionally so it's more than likely not an excuse to sleep in with me. We have lots of cuddles, she sits on my knee, we bake together, just the usual stuff! It's all great fun and as I said, we are extremely close.

Thing is, after speaking to one of my colleagues about her, she told me she would be furious if another woman acted like this around her daughter, that there are boundaries, and that I should think about backing off and not having such a close relationship.

I'm now utterly confused as the relationship I have with DSD is completely organic, not forced, and it just happened that way. Am I really out of line here?

If my young child is sharing a bed/bedroom with an adult other then his/her parents it is my concern & it is very much appropriate that it is discussed with me. A school would inform me, a scouting group would inform me, a youth group would inform me. This is no different.
I'm a dm & a sm & as a sm I would never have shared such an intimate space with my dp's youngest (when he was younger than he is now) without ensuring his dm was informed. She wouldn't sanction it as she's remarkably difficult but that's her prerogative as she is his dm.

Oh lord, please do NOT raise this with your DSD's mum. There is absolutely no need. Your relationship with your DSD when at home with you is your business. I doubt that your DSD goes home and tells her mum everything, there is a real position of trust, love and feeling reassured that is important to such a young child.

What you're doing is absolutely fine and ignore your colleague. Issues like this are more about her own insecurities and not about what is best for the children.

magda this isn't a stranger to the child. A school/ scouting group is not even a relevant example to give, it's so far removed from this. The SM may not be a 'parent', but she is completely fulfilling a carers role in the childs eyes.

Op, carry on doing what you're doing. It's lovely. x

@TooSassy - I normally agree with your stance on things but not in this instance.

I am absolutely not anti sm but I think in matters such as this people have to be very careful & it's not as straightforward as a parent to child relationship.
When my middle child was about 12 he came to me in tears asking me to ask his dad to get his sm to stop hugging him as it was making him really uncomfortable. He had tried speaking to his dad about it who got cross with him & told him he was being rude.
If he hadn't been able to come to me and tell me this I'd never have known what was going on or that my child was in distress & not loving a physicality that was being pushed on him by a well intentioned but frankly clueless sm.
I know that's not what's going on in ops situation but I think in matters of personal intimacy parents have a right to know what's going on.
If my child was having nightmares and getting so distressed that she had to get into bed with her sm then I'd like to know & I think most parents would. That would not be me interfering in my exh's household it would be me trying to help & support my young child.

Its your colleague that has the issue. Is she perhaps divorced and coping with the horrible feelings of jealousy from another woman looking after her kids?

It’s not fun watching someone else get the cuddles and having a close relationship with your kid BUT you have to can the emotions and remember that your kid being looked after is what’s important.

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship and glad your step daughter can turn to you like that. Don’t spoil it because someone else has their own issues

I agree with some of the other posters that your colleague is projecting her insecurities onto you. I don't have children of my own, but I suspect I'd be very jealous and insecure if my children adored their stepmother. But that would be MY problem to resolve, no one else's.

My ds has a SM and although it was hard having another woman in his life in the beginning it doesn’t phrase me 7years down the line but if my dd had a SM I might feel more threatened and jealsous of another woman doing all the girlie things with her that I would think was my role (I would also understand I was being unreasonable but a natural feeling) maybe this is how your colleague would feel and is projecting her thoughts.

OP no mother wants another woman mothering their child in an ideal world. Especially, if they did not instigate the split from their father .

However, I would far rather my DCS SM had given them a cuddle, reassured them, treated them like human beings, allowed their photos in the house and made them feel comfortable etc.

I personally do not want another woman doing what your do, but for the sake of my DCS I would like Magda has done, bite tongue and let them have a safe and caring relationship with their DF and his new family.

Never underestimate how many times the EX bites their tongue and takes the shit that their EX heaps on them for their sake of the DCS.

Keep doing what you are doing but do not lie to the mother, if she asks.