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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Bedrooms?!

27 replies

T2705 · 09/05/2018 17:46

Hi there,

New here and relatively new to the step parenting thing, my partner and I have 4 children between us - my 2 and his 2, mine live with me and he has his eow and 1 night during the week. we're talking about moving in together and i just wonder how other people work out the sleeping arrangemenrs?

Ideally we will be looking to move to a 4 Bed house, how do you sort out the Bedrooms?! There will be one big one medium and one small room, should his kids have the biggest room as they are sharing even though they're only there eow? Don't want to start arguments, genuinely just looking for other peoples experiences and opinions.

TIA

OP posts:
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NorthernSpirit · 09/05/2018 17:56

I don’t have kids of my own, my OH has 2 who stay EOW & half the holidays (not quite the same but.....).

When we moved in together my OH decided rooms so there were no arguments.

OreoMini · 09/05/2018 18:02

Suppose it depends on the ages and sex or the children involved

Aprilmightbemynewname · 09/05/2018 18:05

More info needed but if your dc are full time there they should choose their bedrooms - presumably his dc will have 2 bedrooms, 1 with each dp.

Candlelights · 09/05/2018 18:08

I think it depends on the ages, sexes and personalities of all you kids tbh. We had to choose two to share when we moved in together and decided my DS and younger DSS were the best match. If the DSC are part time then the room is only shared part time and the full time child gets it to themselves the rest of the time. It worked well when they were young, less well when DS hit his teens, became smelly, and wanted a bit more privacy. They got separate rooms when older DSD left home

Original poster
T2705 · 09/05/2018 19:24

Hi thanks for your responses, apologies for the lack of detail! I didn't want to bore everybody too much with my first post!!

Dsd1 is 12, dd is 10, ds has just turned 8 and dsd2 is nearly 8, for me the 2 youngest would share for the time being as they get on like a house on fire, go to bed and wake up at similar times and have lots of shared interests but their mum wont allow it, which I can understand.

OP posts:
OreoMini · 09/05/2018 19:28

I wouldn’t put the youngest two together as there boy/girl and it won’t be long til they want there own privacy. I can understand the mum not being happy about that.

I’d put both step daughters together in the large or medium room.

And your boy / girl have there own room. They also live there full time so will have more stuff and need there own space.

CoffeeOrSleep · 09/05/2018 19:33

I'd go, biggest bedroom - DD & DSD2, middle bedroom - DS, smallest DSD1.

Reasoning being the 2 sharing should have the biggest space, and of the 2 bedrooms left, the child who is in the house all the time should get priority on the larger room.

this way you don't have to take a bedroom away from anyone in a couple of years when you don't want DS and DSD2 sharing anymore. If DS and DSD2 get on so well, perhaps encouraging to play in his room rather than her shared one would be helpful.

Also this way, the older child has a bedroom to themselves when they need space to do homework away from younger siblings/step siblings, but you don't have a large room sat empty most the time.

choccybiscuit · 09/05/2018 19:34

I'd put your sc together as they are both girls and the gap between them is not very big.

RebelRogue · 09/05/2018 19:34

Can the older two girls share?

CoffeeOrSleep · 09/05/2018 19:35

Oh and this way, DD gets the biggest bedroom to herself 10 days of each fortnight, but you don't have arguments of it being "unfair" because she has to share when the step-sisters are staying.

lunar1 · 09/05/2018 20:02

What do all the children have now in their homes with each parent?

Candlelights · 09/05/2018 20:33

You could put your DSDs in together for now but my experience is that sharing becomes harder once one of them is a teenager and the other is very much still a child. So your DD and younger DSD might be a more durable pairing. And your DD would only be sharing on the nights when DSD is there.

Ember12 · 09/05/2018 21:00

Couldnt you just put some kind of 'wall' up in the largest room so you have 5 bedrooms? Then you and your oh take the second biggest room?

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 09/05/2018 21:08

Wen me and she got together 100 years ago, we researched loads about step families.

One thing that came across clearly was that people in step families needed more ‘pyschological’ space. I would expect some level of friction between all your dc when you do move in together at first.

We ended up buying a house we couldn’t really afford that had enough bedrooms for all 4 dc to have their own rooms. Although it skint us, it slowed everyone room to escape when they needed to. I know you don’t have yours full time, but when a family blends together, no matter how well they appear to get on at first, there will always be hurdles to jump. I would aim for separate room for each, or keep sdc and your dc sharing rooms with their own kin.

laloup1 · 09/05/2018 21:34

How does it currently work at your house for your children and your partner’s house for his children?

Original poster
T2705 · 09/05/2018 23:42

Hi all,

Currently my dp and dsc tend to stay at mine the weekends he has them, we started off with airbeds on the floor in each of the kids bedroom and it was fairly fluid as to who slept in which room and who with! but we recently bought a daybed and trundle for the dining room so that everyone has a proper bed. If so moves in here that's likely to be how it stays for now.

Unfortunately anything bigger than a 4 Bed is out of the question for the foreseeable future, but I think the idea of dd sharing with dsd2 is a really good one, thank you! The two oldest girls are both getting something out of it - dsd her own albeit small room and dd the biggest room - I think this will appeal to them both.

My dc don't have a bedroom at theit dad's, he lives with ex MIL so they have to sleep in ex SIL's room when they are there. Dsds each have their own rooms at their mums house.

OP posts:
Flowerpotbicycle · 10/05/2018 06:26

DP and I both have 2 children each from previous relationships, 4 bed house. Our set up is this
DD 8 (full time no contact with DF at all) has biggest room other than ours because she’s here full time and it’s her only bedroom.
DSD 13 and DSD 9 share the next biggest room as there’s 2 of them, here EOW and they don’t leave much stuff here as they prefer to bring clothes back and forth from mum’s etc. They have separate rooms at mum’s house so only have to share 4 nights a month.
DS3 has smallest room - he’s the youngest and goes to his DF’s 2 nights a week. He also has a large room all to himself at his DF’s.

fourplusfour · 10/05/2018 08:00

Following with interest. My DP and I are thinking of moving in together. We each have 3 DC, all girls, ranging from late teen to 7 years. He has his children every weekend plus holidays. Thinking about who shares is a minefield.

Original poster
T2705 · 10/05/2018 09:49

@fourplusfour I think a minefield might be easier haha!! What are your options sharing-wise?

@coffeeorsleep thank you for your suggestion (just worked out that I can tag you which I didn't realise earlier!) - it was something I had never even considered but I think you are absolutely right and the biggest win is that none of the kids will feel hard done by. Particularly as its the older girls that are a little more high maintenance at the moment!!

As some people have pointed out, I do appreciate that it may be better to keep "kin with kin" but if we do it that way one of the children will feel terribly hard done by (and my DD needs no extra help with this tbh!!). I don't imagine for a minute that it will all be plain sailing but I do believe that this could be the best option. Assuming DSDs mum does not put a spanner in the works which is inevitably possible!!

OP posts:
fourplusfour · 10/05/2018 14:27

We will have a 4 bed house so will just double up. The two eldest are my eldest DDs so will share, the next three are very similar ages and all get on well, then theres the youngest DD who noone wants to share with :-(
Seriously considering building something in the garden for the eldest two as well.

CurlyRover · 11/05/2018 14:07

I would go with the suggestion of CoffeeOrSleep

One question though, why are you / DP allowing his ex so much input as to what goes on in your home?

MeMyShelfandIkea · 11/05/2018 16:39

Is the large room big enough to put a screen/room divider up so that your DD and eldest DSD can have some privacy if needs be? You can buy some really nice decorative ones on Amazon.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 11/05/2018 16:41

*Sorry I meant DD and DSD2

fourplusfour · 12/05/2018 21:45

My youngest DDs share a room atm. We have this shelving unit dividing their room. Drawer/cupboard inserts on either side for storage. It works really well. I'd definitely recommend it if you have the room.

www.ikea.com/gb/en/products/storage-furniture/bookcases/kallax-shelving-unit-with-4-inserts-white-spr-39017486/

bitzy12 · 14/05/2018 10:46

I haven't read all the posts here but I'd never give your step children the biggest room. Imo, your children should get priority. It's a their main home after all.

When we moved, dsd expected a room to herself. She comes eow to sleep (though a teenager now and most weekends would rather be with her friends) and that ment my 2 dcs having to share.

Dh wanted her to have her own room too.

I put my foot down. Dsd has her own room at her house. Meanwhile my 2 dcs (boy and girl - one is autistic too) were expected to share while there would be an empty bedroom most of the time?

Dsd and my dd share. She has her own bed for when she comes.

I'm so glad I said no to this.

Call me a wicked step mother or whatever but sometimes I think you have to remember that the step children have their own home. You shouldn't sacrifice your own children's needs for step children who only come every other weekend. And I mean this in the nicest way and I'm not being a bitch either. I just think whichever children actually live full time at that home should get priority.

Good luck 😊

Sorry to rant on, I've just had a crappy weekend with my step children and I'm using Mumsnet to let it all out :-)