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Original poster

What do I do

141 replies

ferry655 · 29/04/2018 18:03

I have agreed with DP to have DSD for his usual contact weekend next month as he is going to be working. Backstory is he has been out of work for a while (self employed) and this job is a Friday- Tuesday staying away and is worth a lot of money to us that we desperately need.

All was fine until yesterday I received an invite to my nephews christening which is the Sunday of the contact weekend. It is a 3 hour drive away from our house and I would have to take my mum as she does not drive as well as my kids, there would be no room in the car for DSD. I have asked my partners mum but she is unable and DSD mum wont swap the weekends to the week before or after.

We really need the money (currently struggling with mortgage payments and bills) but on the other hand I don't want to miss out on this event and my mother would struggle to attend without the lift from me.

What is the best way to handle this!?

OP posts:
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feelinggoodinspring · 30/04/2018 14:37

Well I don't get it then. Most 14 year olds are capable of entertaining and looking after themselves without their parents for a few hours. I think you should just stick to your guns to be honest because the mum sounds like she is just being awkward.

Original poster
ferry655 · 30/04/2018 14:41

@lunar1 my partner already said he will be going to work regardless. He said he will speak to Sd and likely she would not want to come anyway as 1) he will not be there for the whole duration of her visit and 2) she won't want to come to the christening. So if she is fine with not coming I am going to offer to have her Friday and Saturday or she can come on a different occasion.

@feelinggoodinspring I agree with you 100%

OP posts:
KnittinKitten · 30/04/2018 15:20

I get that but if I knew my child was going to be in an awkward position then I couldn't just shrug my shoulders and say not my problem whether working or not.

But the dad can? Why is it ok for Mum to lose her wage on dad’s contact weekend because dad booked work? Why is it Mum that has to lose the income because of his mess up?

KnittinKitten · 30/04/2018 15:23

Oh she’s 14? She can come and just stay at your house while you go to christening.

feelinggoodinspring · 30/04/2018 15:31

But the dad can? Why is it ok for Mum to lose her wage on dad’s contact weekend because dad booked work? Why is it Mum that has to lose the income because of his mess up?

If the dad won't budge then as the other parent I would not say that it's not my problem just because it's not my weekend. Not ideal financially but someone has to be there for the child don't they?
But she's 14 so unless it's a night shift then it wouldn't matter anyway. You can leave 14 year olds at home while you go to work.

Smeddum · 30/04/2018 15:37

But the dad can? Why is it ok for Mum to lose her wage on dad’s contact weekend because dad booked work? Why is it Mum that has to lose the income because of his mess up?

It isn’t, but it shouldn’t be the SM who is juggling all this shite because neither parent will budge.

KnittinKitten · 30/04/2018 15:40

No it definitely shouldn’t be stepmum. The dad has made this mess. He needs to fix it.

pinkhorse · 30/04/2018 15:56

The mum doesn't work in this scenario (I think that's what op said)

MarvelleGazelle · 30/04/2018 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KnittinKitten · 30/04/2018 16:16

I know this mum doesnt work, I was responding before I knew that.

swingofthings · 30/04/2018 16:26

If she can't then she will have to stay with her mum for that weekend
And what if mum just goes away for the whole week-end? Will you drop her off and tell her to look after herself overnight? She said she had no plans, but maybe like you, that might have changed since she's spoken to you.

I know on occasions she would rather see friends than come to us but mum insists she has to come
Well after she is made to feel so unwelcome, that is probably what will happen and then you will come here to post how your sd has stopped coming regularly and it is bound to be because of her mum.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 30/04/2018 17:44

It does sound like you need a bigger car in case you ever wanted to anywhere as a whole family, 4 kids, 2 adults. (I know that's easier said than done especially with money and work as tight as it is!!)

SilverBirchTree · 30/04/2018 17:58

That poor girl... she must feel like a spare part in her own family with all the adults treating her like this.

I feel like you’re not actually looking for ideas or advice about what to do, OP. You just want people to agree with you that ditching her is OK.

NorthernSpirit · 30/04/2018 18:08

I’m going against the grain here, and will probably get flamed, but.....

A 14 year old child doesn’t take priority over a sick mother. Since when were kids more important than other family relatives? Especially sick, elderly ones.

You agreed to have the DSD knowing your OH was away (very good on you). The mother won’t swap (and why should she, it’s your contact weekend). So you need a solution that accommodates all:

Could someone transport your sick mum?
Can you borrow or hire a bigger car to take everyone?
Can you take a train or public transport?
The DSD is 14 - can she be left on her own?

I don’t think your OH not working is a solution. I bet the mother would be up in arms if the maintenance was cut as a result!

Mummingainteasy · 30/04/2018 18:16

I don't get how this is the dad's fault?! He organised something so that his DD was still at his house on his weekend (true, he's working so not there but isn't cancelling on ExP). It's not his fault that the OP is going back on her word after receiving this invite!

ohreallyohreallyoh · 30/04/2018 18:25

I bet the mother would be up in arms if the maintenance was cut as a result!

I am not sure why you would write this? Why is it unreasonable to expect a parent to a) support his children financially and b) make good arrangements for care on agreed dates for contact in the event that he has to work or do something else?

I don't understand why the other parent should have to feel bad about expecting this? As a parent with care, I manage to do this every single day and my ex expects me to support our children. He's not about to give me extra cash if I can't work - child care arrangements are my responsibility on my time. Why should it not work both ways?

swingofthings · 30/04/2018 18:50

What I find incredible is that it would seem no-one has yet bothered to speak with the 14yo about the situation. Maybe she can give direction as to what to do. She might say that she could care less about the Christening and be the one putting pressure on her mum to stay or if mum won't have it even when it comes from her daughter, she might herself ask a friend if she can stay over.

If however she burst into tears, say that she feels excluded, then surely it becomes her dad's responsibility to sort things out with OP, rather than expecting OP to take the lead? Why should it be left to you OP to speak with sd's friends' parents? He should be the one speaking with his daughter, her mum, her friends' parents, other family members.

NorthernSpirit · 30/04/2018 19:21

Ohreallyohreally - my post on maintenance was in answer to other posers who suggested that the dad not work. The OP has stated the father has been out of work for some time and money is tight. Yet he has maintained maintenance. Him not working isn’t an option (in my opinion). I don’t for one minute suggest parents shouldn’t pay maintenance.

greenlanes · 30/04/2018 19:48

Well. Your decision obviously. But you made a commitment to have SD first. I dont think much of people who dont honour commitments. Your family havent done anything to deal with this. I agree with pps - your brother sends out late invites, wont help with transport arrangements for your mum, so the person who gets the raw deal is SD. #crap.

I agree that she wouldnt want to go to the christening. Probably realises what your family think about her and her place in your family.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 30/04/2018 20:28

I don’t for one minute suggest parents shouldn’t pay maintenance

Your comment was made with a glib tone along the line of ‘greedy PWC expecting maintenance’ which we so frequently see on here. I appreciate it may not be what you meant.

Candlelights · 30/04/2018 21:05

If DSD doesn't particularly want to go to the Christening, and the car isn't big enough to take everyone, then it seems completely sensible to leave her behind for the day. She's 14 so ought to be able to fend for herself for a few hours. I'd say exactly the same if she were your own DD - she's a teenage, old enough to be left alone and to be allowed to opt out of a family event that isn't really her family anyway and involves 6 hours in a car. And if it makes more sense for her to be dropped back at her mum's than to stay at yours for the day, that sounds sensible too.

In the long run, OP, you might want to look into getting a 7 seater car, now that you have a family of 6 most weekends. But not easy when money is tight I know.

Stepmumsy · 30/04/2018 21:43

There are many If you suggesting that it's okay to leave a 14 year old by themselves and I agree it is. BUT, If the OP is a 3 hour drive away (that is quite some distance) and her husband is working away then who is the responsible adult that the sd can contact in an emergency if her mum is also not available?

Dancingmonkey87 · 30/04/2018 22:57

What I don’t understand if money’s so tight why would you not factor your dsd when starting your family? I have ds from previous relationship and gone on to have another two dc , so three dc in total which is affordable but also means we can get everyone in the car for days out as family. I think your dp needs to find suitable work that caters around seeing his dsd.the fact you agreed to it then gone back on it is wrong she should be considered part of the family and one of the dc especially when she shares siblings. I’m just baffled because dh would never think that this when I’ve gone away if ds was at home that weekend he would just look after him in the same way he would his own two dc.

swingofthings · 01/05/2018 06:20

I think the issue about sd staying at her dad's for the day is that OP planned to come back the following day. Surely the obvious solution then is that DD stays at OP's house (and maybe informed the neighbours) and she comes back that day after the Christening rather than the following day. If her mother wants to stay, her brother can bring her back.

OP, you made a commitment to your OH and you need to honour it. This way, you both get to keep it and to be at the Christening, even if it's not exactly what you would have wanted.

BrandNewHouse · 01/05/2018 06:29

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